I have had a revelation....I AM FAT!

All my life I have been fat. At 8 in the 3rd grade I was 130 lbs. My goal as a grown woman I weighed that at 8 SMH. I have always felt skinny looked in the mirror and never really felt that big. I would literally see myself and think I make this size 2x or 3x look good. I have such confidence my mom jokes after surgery I am going to be out of control. But we are on our Spring Break vacation in Myrtle Beach. I am seeing women, girls, tweens in bikini's that should not be wearing them. But I joked just because it fits doesn't mean you should be wearing it. Don't take offense at what I say please it was part of my revelation. So yesterday we went to the Wonderworks attraction. They had tons of stairs. Before I would think stairs no big deal. But these stairs winded me. We are on the 11th floor everyone in my family takes the stairs but me and my 3 year old son. They race.....I race them on the elevator. Last night we went to eat at Friendly's we don't have one where we live so I got my last reeses pieces sunday. Driving to the hotel I realized.
1. Those bikini people felt confident just as I did in those short shorts with tights and a tank top at a size 18-20 my graduation night. No one could tell me I didn't look good....looking back it was horrific.
2. That Sundae wasn't really all that.....what will taste better is being able to do everything with my kids and family and not wait on the sidelines.
3. I am FAT. I am morbidly obese. No ifs ands or buts about it.....no matter what I see when I look in the mirror it is not who I really am.

I have been talking a lot about my surgery with my girls 12, 10. 7 and what it entails. The life changes that we will all be making so they don't have to have the same surgery one day. I also realized this walking down the stairs in Wonderworks.....I am having WLS after 10 years of looking and being afraid. But finally my head has caught up with me and I know I have to do this. I guess since it is getting so close I have wrapped my head around it. You don't have weight loss surgery if you are the weight I thought I saw in the mirror. I am finally catching up with the mirror image. Just as I am catching up with it I am going to change that reflection.......I will no longer be the fat unfit mom. I hope my family can keep up with me. I have a blog Skinny Under My Fat. I really feel that way the skinny woman in me is bursting to get out. I wanted to thank each and every one of you here for helping ease my fears about this surgery. 
THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart and my husband and children thank you!
Michelle

Hello...I will definitely be visiting your blog, but wanted to respond to your post first.

I also have been struggling with my weight since I was about 8  years old. Finally, at 30 years later, I grew tired of that uphill battle.

There have been times where I lost the weight, but keeping it off was always the hardest part, and I would soon gain it back with "friends." Where we differ is that I don't have the confidence you have with the weight on - never did. I think that comes from the fact that as I grew up I was teased about my weight, and when I would lose it - there seemed to be much to gain - male attention, job promotions, nice comments, etc. When I have the weight on and I am with my girlfriends hanging out - no one - and I mean no one - notices me. I am just the friend holding the bag while the other ones party, if anyone knows what I mean, that is the best description I could think of.

Anyway, after much debate with some of my friends and family who thought I could just do this on my own without the surgery, I went ahead and moved forward with my plan to have WLS. I studied all the different surgical procedures and finally decided on a RNY. This was difficult for me because other than having my tonsils and wisdom teeth removed at a very young age, I have never had any other major surgeries. So, to say the least, I was petrified.
 
Nonetheless, I ended up meeting the perfect doctor and moved forward. You see, I was at a point where I had to do something about my weight because it was costing me healthwise. I started having swelling, my cholesterol was up, my blood pressure was up, etc. I was not headed in the right direction. I had my surgery on Thursday, March 29th (yep, just last week).

I have always been morbidly obese. Even very very young. I didnt feel like I was. All the kids in school never let me forget. Even so when I was young I did what ever I wanted. I grew up fat so my body was used to moving with the extra weight. I played I did the things the other kids did. Now I didnt do so good at the presidential phys ed testing they did once a year but other than that I felt normal. I really felt normal. So I can relate a bit to what you are saying. Like I said I always had some bully that wanted to remind me I wasnt normal but believe me as I aged it was most apparent that my weight was anything but normal. I am glad that you realized you need the surgery. It is hard enough to adjust after surgery when you know you need it. It would be terrible to go through all the physical and emothional termoil without knowing for sure you need to have this done. Good luck to you. My prayers will be with you

Michelle-

Thanks for your story!  Much like you I've struggled with my weight my whole life.  As a kid, I grew up "normally" but when I hit 5 feet I just stopped - all the other kids grew.  When you are just 5 feet tall a single pound makes a huge difference - let alone the extra 130 I'm carrying right now!

For the longest time, I've been "ok" with my curvy figure.  But just in the last year I've started to feel serious pains.  My joints always hurt, I can't walk like I used to, my back is always killing me.  After seeing a ton of specialists and not finding anything I realized that I'm just fat.

So here I am.  Trying to get ready for WLS - but looks like I can't do anything until August at the earliest.  But I'm already working on my eating and such to get ready. 

 RNY is a game changer.  It ungrounds you from who you thought you were, and makes you face who you really are.  

I've been a mixture of that confident bigger chick and that scared fat kid.   Mostly, I removed myself from my weight... from my body... and lived in my head.   That way, I could be who I wanted to be when I wanted.

But here's the thing.  I couldn't look at myself in a picture.  I don't think I'll ever be able to look at myself in a picture.  The mirror tells me what I want to see.  The photograph doesn't lie.  Even at my thinner weights, I hated the snapshots.  My friends have very few pictures of me.  They complain about that.  I don't care.  I don't need to look at a picture that tells me I'm fat, even if I'm not particularly.

I decided to have the surgery when I realized that there would be no one to care for me as I grew old.  My husband is much older and my step children are disabled.  No, I'm going to have to manage for myself as long as possible.   Then there was that picture of me bowling at my stepson's birthday...

  Well said!

I get it. I have never thought I looked fat, even at 5X and 307+ pounds. I always thought I looked great. No one ever said anything about my weight, and I have many friends and I've always been super social. And as I lost the weight, I never thought I looked bad. When I look at these old pics, at 5X-2x I still see a good looking girl, but I am Starting to realize how big I was and in reality I still am. I got a long way to go, but I feel great and confident like always and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I may look at pics in the future and think, what was I thinking when I picked that outfit?! But for now I will enjoy.

 All of these posts have been the best I have read on OH. All of you said what is the truth, am there myself, and your attitudes will make your surgeries a success! Having R&Y May 7th, and I too need to get where I can take care of myself.  I am 59 and I don't have the luxery of time to put this off any longer.
Thank you all for your wisdom!  Jane in California