Don't Ask Don't Tell?

I thought my family had worked past their doubts and animosity toward my having this surgery and were finally on my side. Then yesterday when I was sharing my latest weight loss success my father started in again with his belief that if I can lose the weight both before and after the surgery then there was no reason I couldn't lose it without it all together and he would NOT let up on it! I got so defensive so fast that I couldn't think straight and my arguments came out sounding lame and even whiney. I didn't handle it very well. I was so glad when the subject was finally changed. Now I'm back to being afraid of heralding my successes and that makes me both angry and sad.

 Yikes…dad…what’s up with that?

Yeah, you do have to sort of wear armor in this process. But here are a few points of encouragement for what they are worth.

1.     1.  Your dad’s tirade probably had very little to do with you. Our weight loss, being as rapid as it is, sort of acts like a magnifying glass to others. They begin to see how unhealthy, unhappy they are and then get mad at us for changing. Or because we went out on a limb and dared to shake things up when they won’t. So in the future, even if someone hounds you, realize that’s their deal, not yours.

2.     2.  I will sound like a broken record if I have to but there is absolutely NO (inherent) merit in doing anything in life the hard way. Not that WLS *is* the easy way out but to me the basic logic behind the “easy way out" slur is faulty. I mean, is there more merit in pounding nails with our fists than with a hammer? Or cooking over an open fire versus a stove? C’mon! We use tools all the time. WLS is simply a tool to lose weight. So that’s internal for you. Stay encouraged. All those naysayings are silly nonsense.

3.     3.  I wouldn’t stop sharing your successes. Firstly, because you’ve earned them and you have a right to brag, but also (and this is something I wish many celebrities would embrace) you control the official version of your success story. Yes, people will think what they want in the end, but if you mute yourself, there is no chance that people will get the truth behind what hard work goes into this process. They still may not even if you do share, but it may be worth sharing. Society needs to hear this stuff.

In the end, keep your head up. I wouldn’t blame you if you kept mum about your process, to tell you the truth. With your family acting like that, who needs to invite the rest of the world in?

I'm sorry your family is not supportive. I am lucky that my family is supportive, except I didn't tell my Dad since I haven't seen him in years anyway. If I were you, I wouldn't talk about it to the ones who you know aren't going to be positive. It will only upset you and you aren't going to change their minds. Don't share any of it with them and just let them see  you shrinking. I am sure I would have reacted the same way you did since I do have a quick temper, so I know it's hard to do. Just try not to bring it up or limit your time with those relatives if you can. I am sorry. You know you are doing something great for yourself and it took a lot of courage for you to have the surgery. Just keep reminding yourself of that!

Maybe you could print off a couple of articles written by doctors for him to read. You could even mail them to him so you don't have to be there when he gets them.

Congrats on your sucess thus far. I know that it's hard to hear negative words from the ones that you love the most. No matter what anyone says, you did this for yourself just like we all did. Be proud of the road you are on and let us know if there is anything we can do.

I'm so sorry you don't have positive support from the family-but like Nik said, that is their issue, not yours.

First, I recommend not telling them anything about it unless they ask.  IF they do ask, then answer them, and IF they derail into negativity, then politely but firmly tell them this:

You obviously have some kind of personal issue that bubbles up when we discuss my success.  Since this is an issue for you, please do not ask me about my surgery journey-this subject has to be off limits unless you can work out your issues and we can discuss me as adults in a positive manner.

You are strong and smart.  You did what was best for YOU.  You owe NO ONE any explanation or excuse.  YOU are accountable to YOU.  PERIOD.  As you change your body, please change your mind too and be strong and confident about your decisions and your success.  Hell, even your failures-because you will drop the ball every now and then.  The most important thing you can do when you drop the ball is to pick it back up....and learn from your mistake.  Every day in this journey you will learn something-but the most important lesson you will learn is to love #1 (you) and to trust yourself.

Hugs.

I only show how excited I am to others who have had the surgery EVERYONE else who says wow you sure are loosing I just say yea I guess so. All my friends and family know how AGAINST this surgery I was 6 years ago when my daughters had it, and i guess I am a bit embarrassed that I had to go this far and have a second surgery , a part of me was relieved when my doc said bypass only , like I didn't have to or get to make the decision myself ( which we all know isn't true)
Sorry your dad wasn't more supportive , but us parents of adult children can be pretty opinionated and dumb. We really are REAL people but usually our kids don't think of us that way.
keep up the good work!!

This is why support groups are made....it easier to share your victories and concerns with supportive friends. Family sometimes can be your worst enemy for whatever reasons. They mean well, usually, but don't always understand and can be the first to judge. But I bet when your journey reaches goal they will have come around and will try to take credit for your success. In their minds they will have been so supportive and there every step of way...lol.

Hang in here with us, we do understand and will celebrate your success!

Nancy

 Here's what my nut told me: when you reach a certain weight, you are like a rusted out, broken down car. You can change the oil (food), but the car still isn't going to run right unless it is overhauled. We get to a certain point the body will not lose weight at all, despite all efforts. I know I was there.

Surgery is whole body overhaul of sorts. It takes the broken parts of our system and changes it- the way we process food, eat, and what we can ingest. 

Your father does not see this as a whole. He sees is as a weakness that you couldn't lose weight without surgery. But your body was broken. And the surgery "fixed" the physical issues. You know that, I know that, we all know it. But if he doesn't, nothing you say will convince him. So all you can do is be happy and let it go. 

Hugs. 

I wonder what the point is for your dad doing that. Looks like you've already had the surgery, it's not like it can be undone,