I'd love to celebrate these NSVs...but I just can't...

...and now, you'll see just how difficult I can be...today was full of NSVs but I can't allow myself to celebrate them because I am that self-defeating, shallow and petty...

NSV 1: This is me at the finish line of a 5K walk for CF (I didn't raise any funds...I participated to contribute to my team's points in my employer's own Biggest Loser-type challenge)...completed it in just over one (1) hour and twenty (20) minutes...

Great, right?

Except for the guy in the image...down over 30 lbs and he's still fat...as Verbal Kint would say, "...orca fat..."...I say, man boobs fat....wearing a t-shirt (3XL) much like all the other ones I wore pre-WLS and still do as I haven't replaced them because they still seem to fit...I like roomy shirts and these are...


Yes, Dan...ignore the fact that you finished...ignore the fact that it wouldn't have even occurred to you to try this pre-WLS...ignore the fact that you even participated (NSV 2)...ignore all of it just because even though you're not as heavy as you once were, you're not Mr. Svelte at just over 2 months post-op...ignore all of it because you just can't admit that your expectations are freakin' unrealistic...

I'm pathetic...

NSV 3: This is me at home wearing the t-shirt I received for participating...


It is a 2XL and according to the young woman who handed it to me, it tends to run a little small...my wife tells me it looks like it fits...like it is comfortable...the man boobs aren't nearly as noticeable so it appears to be a more favourable image...why can't I trust it? I'm inclined to regard the first image as the default...that's what people see....

I'm such a mess inside my head...

My therapist will never have to retire...he's going to have a revenue stream for the rest of my life...

Congrats on finishing the 5K.  That is something I still cannot do.  I'm not even sure if I would want to but I'd like to be able to, if that makes sense.

I'm such a mess inside my head...

Aren't we all in some way or another?

Yes, you are being hard on yourself. Body image is a tough one.  I'm sure you've read enough threads where we post about how we don't have a good concept of what we actually look like.

I have a fear that I will wake up in the morning and have to go back to my preop clothes. Rational? no. My logical brain knows it isn't possible to gain it all back overnight, but there it is.

So anyhoo, congrats on your NSVs and your progress. Your brain will eventually catch up with reality, and we'll be here to celebrate with you when it does.

It's okay lesserman - we understand.  Even though you might not be able to celebrate just yet, please allow me and hundreds of others on here to do it for you.  Whoo hoo!!!  And we don't see Orcaman (well, sometimes I do when I look in the mirror) - we just see lesserman - and less and less of him.

Congratulations,

Stan

I figure I will keep a whole team of therapists in business for life.

Here's what I am thinking.  You are a big guy, you're right about that.  You're not skinny yet.  But you are also down 30 pounds and you are wearing a size 2X shirt that fits and you just finished a 5K.  It's true that you aren't skinny yet but all those other things are true, too.  So try to make room for all those truths.

and google an image of an orca and you'll change your mind about being orca fat.

Well I for one am totally in awe of what you have accomplished !!! Keep up the good work.

*hug* Congratulations on participating, finishing, and recognizing that you've made a LOT of progress, even if you don't give yourself credit for it. 

Recognizing that you've made that progress, and that you are, in fact, doing great is a big step towards being comfortable celebrating it. 

You know, it's funny... I started out at a size 22 or an XL.
I'm in a 16 now, but I still fit comfortably into an XL half the time.  It doesn't make sense, logically--you'd think, 4 sizes down, things would start to fit differently across the board, but that's not the case.  As much as I like to measure my progrss by my clothing size, it's just not that reliable, as things come in different sizes depending on the manufacturer, which I'm sure you already know. 

Keep your head up--you're doing fantastic. Just think of where you were on this date last year. 

I haven't had my surgery yet and can't even fathom doing what you just did. It's a major accomplishment. I can't wait to get to the point where I can even entertain doing something so physical. Hopefully, you'll feel as proud of yourself as the people on this board are of you!

 You know what I'd be thinking about if I saw you at that 5K race?  I'd be thinking how great it was that you were participating and participating well!  
  
You gotta get out of the appearance mindset, because I know that appearance was only a small part of the reason you had surgery.  Honestly, I didn't really see a difference in my appearance until this morning, despite the fact that I am down between 4-5 sizes.  This morning, I just realized that I look good in my shorts!  Yay!  I'm pretty sure I'd still see a fat person if I looked at a picture of myself.  I'm also fairly certain that I'm going to have body image problems for a long time.  But I'm going to celebrate every NSV, because there is no one step forward and two steps back in this (at least not yet).  

I like and respect you, Dan...  which is one reason I want you to succeed, beyond the fact that I want everyone here to succeed.

BTW, the Twins have done slightly better in the last week or so.  My brother says it's because Mauer was on the bench.  That's heresy for most Minnesotans, but I think I agree with him, having seen him hit into a ridiculous number of double plays this season.

The Twins being better with Mauer on the bench...now THAT'S funny....priceless, actually...

I understand his being kinda bitter, though...

Surely, your brother realizes that the biggest reason is that the starting rotation isn't spotting the other team 4+ runs in the first inning anymore...were I in Terry Ryan's job, I would not hesitate to build my starting rotation around Diamond and Walters...