OT - relationship stuff - I need some advice
Gee whiz...this is a sticky situation. You ask if you should cancel your apptointment but it seems like you are really trying to sort out what is actually happening and justify your feelings.
If he just took this job, his employer may not be happy that he is taking the day off so soon and he may be uncomfortable there. Knowing that you need help too is another conflict. I would give him some slack. Relationships are a two way street. If you have decided to leave then you need to keep things together long enough to make wise decisions and not under stressful conditions. It isn't going to help your pain if you're living with adversity. My advice is to cancel your appointment. I seem to remember your post when you made the appointment and realized it was going to be a problem for him to take time off work. So It seems to have come back and hit you in the face. The 3 hour ride may be uncomfortable for both of you so I would cancel and try to locate someone else or alternative way to get there. I'm sure you aren't going to like my opinion but there it is.
If you need a lot of medical care then you should move closer to your medical providers or find a doctor in your county. I've had serious back pain and do understand your position. I gained 70 lbs the last time I was incompassitated with it.
If he just took this job, his employer may not be happy that he is taking the day off so soon and he may be uncomfortable there. Knowing that you need help too is another conflict. I would give him some slack. Relationships are a two way street. If you have decided to leave then you need to keep things together long enough to make wise decisions and not under stressful conditions. It isn't going to help your pain if you're living with adversity. My advice is to cancel your appointment. I seem to remember your post when you made the appointment and realized it was going to be a problem for him to take time off work. So It seems to have come back and hit you in the face. The 3 hour ride may be uncomfortable for both of you so I would cancel and try to locate someone else or alternative way to get there. I'm sure you aren't going to like my opinion but there it is.
If you need a lot of medical care then you should move closer to your medical providers or find a doctor in your county. I've had serious back pain and do understand your position. I gained 70 lbs the last time I was incompassitated with it.
(deactivated member)
on 7/16/12 2:16 am - WA
on 7/16/12 2:16 am - WA
Because you posted
Um... any other advice? I don't even know what else I want to ask advice about. My head feels like it's going to explode"
You must have already made your decsion about the appt as I am posting this in the AM. As for the relationship My advice is: You have invested 9 years in this relationship, do you really want to walk away without trying to fix it? He may not want to work on it but you could try to work on it on your own. The worst that could happen is you would grow. He obvously loves you because it took him so long to tell you. If his feelings changed and he did not tell you right away then instead of lying to you he was probably wrestling with his feelings, hoping they would change or grieving at the thought of a lost relationship. I think if he were lying to you then he would not take off time from his life (new job) to help you. Why would someone who was ok with lying not be okay with making up excuses not to help you. You say you cannot trust him anymore but that is your hurt feeling talking now don't you agree. You trusted him for 9 years and he did not cheat on you or beat you or steal from you.
He tells you he does not want you to move out yet. That alone shows he still cares deeply for you. And that speaks volumes. You could proceed with the relationship trying to work on it on your own thru counsling while at the same time possibly developing a life time close friend who will help you when you really need it (ie rides, place to stay while you get on your feet, etc). You should accept his offer to let you stay until you are able to move and maybe even ask him to help you move.
His feeling could change back to wanting to work on the relationship while you are waiting to be able to move. The the decision would be yours alone to make. But don't you feel like he has a right to have his feelings. Just as you have the right to feel distrust he has his feelings as well. As far as the dis trust, this is your issue (you have said) and if you work on changing the distrust of him for this instance, you would feel better when you move out. You have every right to feel as you do, how could you trust someone who would let you down when you need them now. But people do learn to get past that. I would say make sure if you stay that you have an exit plan in place even if things start to work out for the two of you.
Um... any other advice? I don't even know what else I want to ask advice about. My head feels like it's going to explode"
You must have already made your decsion about the appt as I am posting this in the AM. As for the relationship My advice is: You have invested 9 years in this relationship, do you really want to walk away without trying to fix it? He may not want to work on it but you could try to work on it on your own. The worst that could happen is you would grow. He obvously loves you because it took him so long to tell you. If his feelings changed and he did not tell you right away then instead of lying to you he was probably wrestling with his feelings, hoping they would change or grieving at the thought of a lost relationship. I think if he were lying to you then he would not take off time from his life (new job) to help you. Why would someone who was ok with lying not be okay with making up excuses not to help you. You say you cannot trust him anymore but that is your hurt feeling talking now don't you agree. You trusted him for 9 years and he did not cheat on you or beat you or steal from you.
He tells you he does not want you to move out yet. That alone shows he still cares deeply for you. And that speaks volumes. You could proceed with the relationship trying to work on it on your own thru counsling while at the same time possibly developing a life time close friend who will help you when you really need it (ie rides, place to stay while you get on your feet, etc). You should accept his offer to let you stay until you are able to move and maybe even ask him to help you move.
His feeling could change back to wanting to work on the relationship while you are waiting to be able to move. The the decision would be yours alone to make. But don't you feel like he has a right to have his feelings. Just as you have the right to feel distrust he has his feelings as well. As far as the dis trust, this is your issue (you have said) and if you work on changing the distrust of him for this instance, you would feel better when you move out. You have every right to feel as you do, how could you trust someone who would let you down when you need them now. But people do learn to get past that. I would say make sure if you stay that you have an exit plan in place even if things start to work out for the two of you.
Hi Kelly - I want to let you know that my heart goes out to you and I wish I could hug you in person. I think you should go to your appointment and let him take you. This might just be the procedure that helps your back problem, hoping so.
As for the overall situation I will tell you this. My husband of 10 years told me that he no longer wanted to be married to me and that he was no longer in love with me. This was after a YEAR of me realizing that something wasn't right, and him denying it. Long story short - he was going through midlife crisis. He got therapy, we got therapy and we did a lot of working at it... that was 5 years ago and we haven't been happier since. It took a long time for the trust to return.
I am not saying this will happen with you, but I just wanted to share what happened to me.
I think it is going to be very difficult for you to stay in the house with him even if you are sleeping in a different room. There is too much pain and anger. Whatever you decide it will be the right choice for you.
Let us be here for you...
As for the overall situation I will tell you this. My husband of 10 years told me that he no longer wanted to be married to me and that he was no longer in love with me. This was after a YEAR of me realizing that something wasn't right, and him denying it. Long story short - he was going through midlife crisis. He got therapy, we got therapy and we did a lot of working at it... that was 5 years ago and we haven't been happier since. It took a long time for the trust to return.
I am not saying this will happen with you, but I just wanted to share what happened to me.
I think it is going to be very difficult for you to stay in the house with him even if you are sleeping in a different room. There is too much pain and anger. Whatever you decide it will be the right choice for you.
Let us be here for you...
I am so sorry you are going through this. Honestly, I would keep the appointment. I understand your doubting keeping it, but you HAVE to take care of your pain.
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HW:288 CW:146.4 GW: 140 RNY: 12/22/11
My heart is with you. I wish I had something to say, some way to help. I think you do need him to take you to your procedure. Honesty is one of those things that is cardinal in my life too, and while my hubby is super-awesome, he doesn't quite hold it in the same place in his mind that I hold it and it's been a sticking point, a point that has made us come almost unglued.
I would have to say that this was (and continues to be) the toughest part of our relationship. I can't MAKE my husband have the same sense that I have about personal honesty and integrity, and I know that my bar is VERY high for that. What makes it work for the two of us is that we're always working on it. We ARE honest about our feelings, and when something bugs me, I keep digging at it within my own mind so that I can figure out why it bugs me, and then share it with him. I know, however, that this difference in our approaches to life might ultimately interfere with the long term success of our marriage.
I do hope that you have great luck in finding a good balance spot in your personal life that brings you happiness. I understand that with the difficulties facing you, it's twice as hard.
I would have to say that this was (and continues to be) the toughest part of our relationship. I can't MAKE my husband have the same sense that I have about personal honesty and integrity, and I know that my bar is VERY high for that. What makes it work for the two of us is that we're always working on it. We ARE honest about our feelings, and when something bugs me, I keep digging at it within my own mind so that I can figure out why it bugs me, and then share it with him. I know, however, that this difference in our approaches to life might ultimately interfere with the long term success of our marriage.
I do hope that you have great luck in finding a good balance spot in your personal life that brings you happiness. I understand that with the difficulties facing you, it's twice as hard.
~Lady Lithia~ 200 lbs lost!
March 9, 2011 - Coccygectomy!
I chased my dreams, and my dreams, they caught me!
I feel your pain. But maybe not quite: I've never been in a relationship with a man for over four years, and in each one I realize I stayed too long. Eventually every partner bailed when things became uncomfortable for him. Trust issues? Don't get me started on trust issues. I have a decent brother and son, but other than those, I've never personally known a man I would trust in a relationship with a woman. (Anyone who takes umbrage at this statement, No, I don't mean your man.)
Kelly, girl, land on your feet.
This is going to feel like walking a tightrope. Not only are your feelings hurt, but having financial limitations makes everything much trickier, as always.
I think you're quite right to interpret his behavior as betrayal and dishonesty. After the support you gave him, he is not willing or lacks the character to give in return. Probably, as others have said, his waiting so long to admit his feelings is as much a result of guilt and residual love as dishonesty--but that doesn't change anything.
Are the cats yours???
Take care of yourself. And I don't mean be less dependent on him. I mean I'm rooting for you to see to it that your needs get met. You have a right to that.
Be strong and carry on.
Kelly, girl, land on your feet.
This is going to feel like walking a tightrope. Not only are your feelings hurt, but having financial limitations makes everything much trickier, as always.
I think you're quite right to interpret his behavior as betrayal and dishonesty. After the support you gave him, he is not willing or lacks the character to give in return. Probably, as others have said, his waiting so long to admit his feelings is as much a result of guilt and residual love as dishonesty--but that doesn't change anything.
Are the cats yours???
Take care of yourself. And I don't mean be less dependent on him. I mean I'm rooting for you to see to it that your needs get met. You have a right to that.
Be strong and carry on.
Thank you so much. What you said really struck a chord with me, about taking care of myself, not meaning to be less dependent on him but to see to it that my needs are met.
One of the cats is mine. the other two are his.
One of the cats is mine. the other two are his.
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
HW 304, SW 291, GW 160, CW 140 H-5'9.5"
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