Even if it's true, it still hurts sometimes

This is hard to talk about because it hurts and it’s embarrassing.  And I may not be making very much sense here.

When my partner and I were together, I always felt that he loved me.  However, I never thought he thought I was very attractive.  Physically attractive, I mean.  He never told me I was pretty or anything like that.  What I thought was that he loved me for who I was, that he didn’t care what I looked like.  Which was mostly OK with me because I’ve always thought wasn’t particularly pretty and I didn’t want someone to tell me I was pretty if they didn’t really think I was.  It was OK with me that he loved all of me and that the fact that I was overweight and not very pretty wasn’t a big deal to him.

Occasionally I felt bad as I lost weight, because he never commented on how I looked thinner.  Never said I looked good or anything.  If I told him I’d lost another ten pounds he’d congratulate me and tell me I was doing a great job, but I would read online how other people’s husbands or boyfriends would tell them how good they  looked, and I was kind of disappointed that I never got that.

I’m not fishing for compliments here.  I’m really not.

Tonight my ex and I were eating dinner.  He has really blue eyes and was wearing a blue shirt that really brought out the color of his eyes.  I said, “Your eyes are so blue.  They look really pretty.  I think that shirt really brings out the color."  He looked at me and said, “Your shirt doesn’t." 

He said what he meant was that my shirt was purple and since my eyes are not purple, my shirt did not bring out the color of my eyes.  I wasn’t trying to get him to tell me that my eyes were pretty.  But somehow it just really hurt my feelings.  Good grief, can’t I even have pretty eyes? 

I’m not overweight anymore but I have saggy breasts (think tennis balls in tube socks), I have some saggy skin under my arms and on my belly and on my thighs, I have a lot of scars in various places (when I was having the procedure on my back last week, the nurse starting my IV asked me if the scars on my arm were due to burns, which they aren’t, but apparently they look like that), I realize I am not pretty.  I actually kind of thought my eyes weren’t bad, though.

 Aw Kelly. This post made my heart hurt. 

Knowing what I do about your partner, and having watched what you've been going through this past month, I think I can safely say that he sounds like a bit of a douche. With all due respect, of course. I just...in situations like the ones we've known, a lot of guys tend to feel really empowered when their partner is perfectly happy being "lesser".  The fact that you've done a lot of work, not only physically, but mentally as well, from the sound of it, to be in a healthy place...perhaps it intimidates him and he doesn't like that he's looking at a woman who IS pretty and deserving of the compliments he's unused to giving. Who does respect herself and demands respect in return. Who knows and values herself enough without having his approval. 

I'm not implying that you ever didn't do these things, but perhaps they're more obvious to him now. 

Or I could be completely off base altogether. 

But whatever the situation, you deserve better. You deserve someone who not only acknowledges but appreciates how beautiful you are, inside and out. And as for him? He and his pretty eyes can go jump off a bridge. 

 Charlie....I couldn't have said it better so, DITTO!!!

((((hugs)))) I am sorry. It was an insensitive way for him to treat you, both tonight and while you were losing weight.

I have seen your picture. You are pretty. Better even still is that you are a lovely person. You are kind and caring and work hard to give back in your community. You work hard to treat others as you wish to be treated. You are a good pet parent. You write funny and informative things for us. You reach out and give support.

I don't mean that as the version of but-you-have-such-a-pretty-face but more to let you know that you have so much to offer the world in addition to your pretty face.

 Ah, sweetie!  You need to have a talk with your man about him remembering how to treat a lady.  He needs to tell you that you are pretty at least once a month.  And you need to start letting yourself believe it!  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and you need to start beholding yourself a bit more and insisting that there is a smoldering beauty in you that has been under appreciated and under celebrated.   And now its time to change all that....Treat yourself to a spa day, get some new underwear or clothes, a new haircut, challenge yourself to get some glamour shots....whatever it takes to get yourself to feel more in touch with your own beauty!

 It will also mean moving out of your comfort zone.  You have bought into some idea that your own beauty is questionable.  Why?  I think you may have to answer some painful questions about what is behind these beliefs...but its the kind of pain that will make you grow.

Good luck on your journey to finding your own beauty!

 Don't eat dinner with that inconsiderate idiot anymore.

My thoughts, too - reading this made my heart hurt and made me want to slap the fool out of someone (and it wasn't you).  Sending hugs from North Carolina - hope you can feel them.

Kelly, i'm sorry that you don't/can't get what you...and everyone...needs and deserves from a partner and friend.

His response strikes me as especially awkward and unaware.  It doesn't seem like something who wants to be hurtful would say. Nor does it seem just uncaring...i'ts actually quite odd, I think...as if he just doesn't have a clue about the usual social interaction on this sort of thing.. So  I find myself wondering if....(and I know this is absurd on the basis of one anecdote)...but could he have some degree of Asberger's? 

 I was thinking the same thing! Asbergers

I am  Therapist and that was the 1st thing that I thought of also...Asbergers!