Even if it's true, it still hurts sometimes
This guy has done a number on you because, from your picture, you are beautiful! Everytime I see one of your posts, I think, "Lordy, if I can only accomplish looking a quarter of that good"; because you look amazing with an amazing weight loss besides!
But even if you were the worst looking person alive, there is ALWAYS a lot of pretty features on everyone. Someone who loves you cannot help but see them and compliment you on them. Everyone deserves that! Besides, we are who we are. If someone can't see past the fat, the wrinkles, the sags, the hanging skin to see it, they don't deserve to be any part of your life.
Good gosh, we don't even know you and we all can see it! Move on with someone who sees it everyday and doesn't have issues telling you. In any relationship (serious or just friends) it isn't a relationship at all if both of you aren't building up each other rather than being torn down. Compliments not only build each other up, but it's just downright rude not to find them and give them!
Hugs, sweetie and ditch that idiot and whatever his issues are. You're much too valuable to have someone like that in your life and your home.
HW 304, SW 291, GW 160, CW 140 H-5'9.5"
on 8/2/12 4:29 pm - OH
This is hard to talk about because it hurts and it’s embarrassing. And I may not be making very much sense here.
When my partner and I were together, I always felt that he loved me. However, I never thought he thought I was very attractive. Physically attractive, I mean. He never told me I was pretty or anything like that. What I thought was that he loved me for who I was, that he didn’t care what I looked like. Which was mostly OK with me because I’ve always thought wasn’t particularly pretty and I didn’t want someone to tell me I was pretty if they didn’t really think I was. It was OK with me that he loved all of me and that the fact that I was overweight and not very pretty wasn’t a big deal to him.
Occasionally I felt bad as I lost weight, because he never commented on how I looked thinner. Never said I looked good or anything. If I told him I’d lost another ten pounds he’d congratulate me and tell me I was doing a great job, but I would read online how other people’s husbands or boyfriends would tell them how good they looked, and I was kind of disappointed that I never got that.
I’m not fishing for compliments here. I’m really not.
Tonight my ex and I were eating dinner. He has really blue eyes and was wearing a blue shirt that really brought out the color of his eyes. I said, “Your eyes are so blue. They look really pretty. I think that shirt really brings out the color." He looked at me and said, “Your shirt doesn’t."
He said what he meant was that my shirt was purple and since my eyes are not purple, my shirt did not bring out the color of my eyes. I wasn’t trying to get him to tell me that my eyes were pretty. But somehow it just really hurt my feelings. Good grief, can’t I even have pretty eyes?
I’m not overweight anymore but I have saggy breasts (think tennis balls in tube socks), I have some saggy skin under my arms and on my belly and on my thighs, I have a lot of scars in various places (when I was having the procedure on my back last week, the nurse starting my IV asked me if the scars on my arm were due to burns, which they aren’t, but apparently they look like that), I realize I am not pretty. I actually kind of thought my eyes weren’t bad, though.
The truth is many people don't know themselves well. It takes some 'inner' work to begin to understand who we are, why we do what we do, what is truly important to us and how we relate and interact with other people and why.
Most importantly, I am sorry that you had a need that wasn't filled - I'm sorry that you felt hurt.
It would be wonderful if people knew what our needs were and said/did what was needed, especially someone who is close to us. In the OP and some of the responses, I'm sensing that it is assumed that he doesn't think that you're pretty, because he hasn't said so. IMHO that is a very big leap. People are different and come to the table with different experiences and expectations. He may not feel like compliments are important. It didn't seem like he got any particular pleasure out of your compliment, since he didn't respond to the compliment segment -but rather went for the benign comparison to his shirt color (prompting his remark about your shirt color).
This reminds me of the occasion when one partner (A) freely says, "I love you," and the other partner (B) never responds similarly. Partner A assumes that they're not loved. However, if questioned on the topic, partner B believes that partner A should know that they are loved - based on other things (ex: their presence, committment and provision for partner A).
You're in the best position to know what your interactions with him were like, when you were a 'couple.' However, I wonder if he may have previously tried to compliment you and the compliment was rejected, because you weren't able to receive it. Sometime, we're not aware of the vibe that we're transmitting and we have the capacity to create some of the very things that we fear.
This reminds me of the occasion when a person is afraid that they won't fit in (socially), but really wants to interact with a group. In this example, while they want very much to be included - the messages that they transmit are contrary to what they want. An awkardness ensues and then they don't fit in. Sometime we just 'click' with people, sometime you can relate because of a common, life-changing experience, sometime though we 'teach' people about us - what we like, don't like, want, need and hope for.....(albeit sometime remedial classes are indicated).
As far as significant life-changing experiences, what we think about ourselves is so interconnected with what we feel our worth is, what are expectations are and what we'll accept from others. Conversely, the people in our lives can have questions about what their roles now are and what is expected.
This reminds me of the occasion when an obese partner may believe they don't deserve a caring and loving partner, so they draw or accept someone who treats them according to the vibe that was transmitted - which reinforces that belief. The other occasion is when (for whatever reason) someone has a need to be a rescuer, needs to be needed or has their own low self-esteem and finds comfort with an obese partner. In each of these examples, the possibility exists that the relationship is fundamentally challenged - because of the transformation of one of the partners.
One thing that I particularly wondered was: What would you think if he did start complimenting you now, if he never did before? (No answer needed - it inevitably would have reinforced what you thought of yourself before)
These are just some things to think about, whether you return to this relationship, are not in a relationship and before you get into another relationship. I hope that I am able to convey this to you: While it may be nice to receive a compliment, the 'inner' you needs to find healing and peace - so that you will know, because you know, because you know - that you are beautiful.
Feel better soon.
20AUG12-8AM SURGERY AT ST.JOES IN TORONTO W/ DR SMITH 
Let me give you my example... my husband told me that even though we had discussed saggy skin and floppy boobs, that he didn't realize how much there would be. I had to laugh because I was so excited that there was way LESS than I thought there would be.
So I asked he if he still found me attractive - his answer was "you look good with clothes on", and "I have gotten used to the saggy skin and flat boobs." It is "his way" of expressing himself. It sucks... but after 16 years I have learned not to take it personal, otherwise I would have been a statistic by now.
I said this not to dismiss the pain you felt from your partmer's reaction, but to let you know that there are a buncha folks out there that don't have a clue how to communicate.
Sending love and hugs.
Your post makes me want to cry. You are a wonderful and beautiful person inside and out. You don't need him to validate that. Some people have a hard time giving compliments. My boyfriend, as much as I love him is the same way. I have to ask him if I look slimmer all the time. He doesn't say anything...well he also didn't say anything when I put the weight on. I'll tell him, "babe I've lost 50 pounds!" and all I'll get is, "good job dear". (So....I understand how you feel!)
Anyway, men sometimes make really insensitive comments and open mouth insert foot. It sounds as though he is a jerk....really. He was lucky to have such a kind, wonderful, and compassionate woman who loved him!
I think you need to do something to make YOURSELF feel beautiful...because you are! Though it may feel nice, no man should ever be needed to validate our beauty as a woman. As for your saggy breasts...I think much of the female population has saggy breasts...I'm 29 and mine aren't perky, they face the floor too! We all have our little issues that may make us self conscious, EVERY WOMAN IN THE WORLD DOES! I can shake my arms and almost feel like I'm going to take flight, they are like wings, and FORGET my thighs WHOOOO those puppies need a few dozen jazzercise sessions. Does this mean I'm not beautiful? NO! Same for you! Celebrate your imperfections! And DON'T LET THAT MAN GET YOU DOWN ANYMORE!
HW: (265 in 2007) Consult weight: 247 SW: 221 CW:151.8 GW:140 
on 8/3/12 7:15 am
You are a wonderful soul and if he can't see it painful as it is time to move on and find someone who will treat you the Goddess you are !!!
I think you should get yourself dressed up and put makeup on, go out with some girl friends, have a few drinks, and find a guy to have a one night stand with. Ive only done this once in my life when I was feeling really down about myself and my situation......and ive got to tell ya, stella got her grove back. Go have fun. Get out of the house away from that ass. He is your ex, and now you are free to live it up.
Thanks,
Jessica K
