Father's Day...so many emotions

I find this forum therapeutic in so many ways...reading, posting, and just knowing that, with a few exceptions...no judgment.
Father's Day is such a time for me, as it's a huge mixture of emotions.  I watch my husband with his two daughters, throughout the year not just on Father's Day, and think what a wonderful father he is to them.  They sometimes complain about him, and it makes me so angry that I could scream.  These girls have no reason to complain.  I understand that it's normal for them to do so, but if they only knew how good they have it.  For the most part, I know that the girls appreciate him, love him dearly, and show it most of the time.  He is a FATHER and a DADDY. 
My father, who has passed away, was not really much of a father or daddy.  He did pretty much what the law required him to do for his children.  He worked hard to provide for 5 children and a handicapped wife, but he was mean. My father was physically, emotionally, verbally, and spiritually abusive.  He, I believe, played a HUGE part in the weight/emotional issues that all of us deal with.  Yesterday, as I watched my husband hug his two daughters, all I could hear were the words of my father, "You will never find someone to love you.  You are too fat!"  I know that I was probably 9 or 10 years old when he first started telling me that.  From time to time, he'd say it...usually as we were eating or finishing up a  meal.  My mother was overweight!  I'd often think, "Do you love her?" As I watched them together, I realized that he didn't...they married because they were the last two in their "circle" to not be married, it was the thing to do, their families pushed them to marry, and neither was really happy with the other.  My mother used to tell me stories about the man that she loved, he moved away for a job, and she was left with my father in the neighborhood.  So sad. 
Anyway, Father's Day brings about so many memories, creates new memories, and hopefully the new ones will blanket the old ones. 
Needed to vent a bit.
I love my husband

I find Father's Day difficult, as well.  My father was very abusive when I was growing up.  I haven't had any contact with him in more than 20 years now, and that's the way I want it.  But it's difficult for me to hear everyone going on and on about how great their fathers are.

The fact that your girls don't realize how good they have it is actually a good thing.  They don't realize that some fathers are abusive because theirs isn't.  It's supposed to be that way.  They complain about the little things because they don't even grasp some of the big things some kids have to suffer through.  Some day they'll get it and appreciate their dad even more.

The oldest daughter is my stepdaughter, she has two children (twins), and is divorced.  Her children have visits with their father, but he's not the greatest dad.  Our daughter is a teenager, so complaining is part of who she is right now. 
I know that my daughter has friends who have abusive fathers, absent fathers, or fathers who have passed away, and she is aware that her dad is very good to her.  Her friends talk to her and she shares with me.  If there is abuse, I will report it...she is fully aware that I do so.  I have to.  Or, as in the past, there were a few suicide threats by her friends and I had to report that.  So, I think she knows her life is different than some, she's just a teenager. 
I think part of my frustration comes from a bit of envy?  As I feel this, recognize this, and think about it...I then feel a bit ashamed of being envious of the girls.  Crazy! 
When my father passed away, I had been in therapy for years.  The therapist suggested that I write him a letter, telling him everything that I felt...good and bad...and tuck it into his jacket in the casket.  I did that.  It felt good. Feelings/emotions still surface from time to time and it's just difficult.  Maybe I need to write more and send it up in a helium filled balloon!  :)  Or down? 

Janet

Well, I understand being envious.

Maybe writing another letter would be good.

I think sometimes people underestimate the effect of the father-daughter relationship. It makes complete sense to me that Father's Day is difficult for you.

I, too, find Father's Day to be very emotional.  My dad died a few years ago after several years of rapid decline caused by uncontrolled diabetes and early onset dementia. For the last two years of his life he spoke very rarely and spent 90% of his time just staring into space.

My dad was a Marine (he was given a medical discharge early on, but there is no such thing as an ex-Marine!) and he ran his household like a Marine.  He was gruff, often yelled when it wasn't called for, was stubborn, and -- during the time that I was in Junior High School and early High School during the 70's and the economy was SO bad -- started drinking too much while unemployed, and could be verbally mean. Although he never actually touched my mom or any of us, when he had been drinking he behaved in a way that terrified us that he WOULD hurt us.  His gruffness was a constant source of contention with me, and his lack of interest in anything i was involved with in school (theater and music) compared to his considerable interest in my brother's sports activities made me question whether or not he loved me.  We butted heads frequently because I inherited his stubbornness. He would also make cruel jokes about my weight when I was merely "chubby" in Junior High and when I gained SO much weight after two significant traumas, I could see the "disgust" in his eyes when he looked at me.

On the other hand, he was always there to fight for any of his kids if someone was mistreating us or taking advantage of us.  I knew the meaning of "got your 6" early on.  I think he would be really proud of me finishing my PhD.  It makes me sad that he didn't live to see it.

It was a complicated relationship, and Father's Day just brings all of those clicked feelings back, even though I am 50 years old.  Hopefully, your daughters will recognize how much of a "daddy" your husband is while they still have time with him.

Lora

I am so sorry you do not have the  best memories of your dad while I am sooooooooo glad that your daughters have such an awesome dad in your husband... ((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

I am SO GLAD you are able to move on and rejoice in the happiness that your husband brings to you on Father's Day when the memory of your dad brings you some sadness ... these are powerful words you say here and they most definitely will carry you through as each day new awesome memories blanket the old ones so much so that those old memories will no longer have the power to hurt you ... these are your words ... these words will bring you strength "Anyway, Father's Day brings about so many memories, creates new memories, and hopefully the new ones will blanket the old ones. "

I have found in my personal experience and I can only speak to my situation that healing starts when letting go of  negative emotions ... when I learn to forgive and move on ... when I learn to let the past not control us but to be able to testify about a place of the past where I am no longer at and where I give the past situation no power to hurt me anymore ... I refuse to wallow in dark places that I cannot change for too long if at all because I know that I can change me .... I find happiness rejoicing with others and not coveting what others have ... 

Continue enjoying the better part of your memories my beautiful sista .... let the past go and be blanketed ... and never allow bitterness to empower you and govern your most awesome life now.

Thanks for sharing.  I leave you with these powerful words that were shared from the Purpose Fairy daily quotes ... this was in my inbox this morning ... and I find that I can most definitely learn from and apply this to my life daily too:

"The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Only your grievance about the past can do that. What is grievance? The baggage of old thought and emotion."  ~Lao Tzu

Yeah it's not a holiday for me either, my father abandoned me after he left my mother for his secretary and went off to live the high life about 10 miles away all the while ignoring he had a young daughter.  He had the nerve to contact me 30+ years later after she dumped him, apparently he does remember my name after all.  **** him.  I will **** on his grave when he dies.  I will leave it at that.

My ex husband sucks as a father also.  I chose badly.  I was not MO when I met him, I was normal, but felt abnormal because I grew early and developed stretch marks and felt disfigured, he was the first guy I dated when I was 16.  I married at 20 and basically ruined my life.  My son now has to suffer the consequences of my bad choices.  I, of course, feel guilty so I pay for everything to make it up to him, house, car, money anything he wants basically, while his father doesn't lift a finger to do a thing, he is licking his wounds because his second wife just divorced him.  He sucks.

And when my grandfather was alive he was the person who judged me so badly based on my weight that he actually turned a picture I had given him and my grandmother to face the wall.  He said he wanted to remember me like I was in my high school yearbook picture that sat on top of the tv, not how I really was.

Hmmm and people wonder why I am the way I am.  Not too hard to understand really when you see my history.

The sad part of this entire story is my boyfriend had an amazing father, who he loved more then life, who he cries over on fathers day who died 16 days after a tragic car accident when he was only 44.  My boyfriend was a senior on high school at the time, and he watched them hack off parts of his father, both his legs, to try to save his life.  Mercifully he never regained consciousness and passed away after they pulled the plug.  I don't know I could or would trade 17 great years for 17 non-existent years.  I have often thought I would rather have a beautiful father to remember, but when I asked my boyfriend yesterday about it, his accident and death are what he remembers most.  So really there is no way to decide what would be easier.

And for the record I hate Mother's Day also, my grandmother died after years of smoking and 8 years of strokes.  My grandfather died two years after, the day after he died my mother was in a terrible car accident because she was severely diabetic and her blood sugar crashed so low she became unconscious and hit a telephone pole and had to be lifestarred for emergency surgery.  I went to my grandfathers funeral with my Nigerian friend, to my amusement, a big black 400lb guy.  My grandfather was a horrible racist and this was a giant **** you to him. I was recently divorced, so I wasn't asking my ex, my best friend had to work as she spent the night at the hospital with me and that left my friend from work.  He was scared ****less about going, I let him drive my car and my grandfathers family thought he was my boyfriend.  I never corrected that assumption as I hate racism and honestly I loved thumbing my nose at my grandfather, although at the time I was devastated.  I was standing on the steps of my grandfathers funeral and my grandmothers sisters comes up to me, she had been estranged from the family for 16 years yet she shows up for this, and she says to me Heidi this is it, this is going to kill your mother, she lost both her parents (whom she lived with) what will she have to live for now.  This was on the steps of my grandfathers funeral, apparently she didn't notice I was standing there crying and shaking virtually alone.  But wtf, lets throw salt in the wounds.  My mother did recover, never to walk again but went on to live 2 more years (do you see a pattern, they all died 2 years apart) and I found my mother dead, well I didn't the paramedics did, it was another horror show.  My life is a series of nightmarish episodes that make me realize the fact that the only mental illness I have in a panic disorder is really a miracle.  I could go on but its starting to sound like I am making **** up, like the guy I was dating at the time had a wife that had wls and left him to date doctors at the hospital she worked at, he had me meet his kids and she got jealous and tried to committ suicide, he went running back.  Turns out everything he ever told me was a lie, including the number of kids he had.  I guess he didn't want me to do the math on his real age, turns out he was 10 years older then he said and that his wife was very young, like really really young when he got with her.  That's because he was a pedophile and I know this because after the lies unravelled and a few years passed one day came into work and picked up the paper only to read a headline story about him getting arrested and convicted of trying to meet a 15 year old girl for sex, but it was a sting operation. He guy had a daughter older then that.  OMFG.  Can I pickem or what.  lol

I met my boyfriend that same year, the nicest guy on earth......we have been together ever since.

WOW! MyLadyHeidi! I feel for al that you have suffered and can relate to some of the incidents which occurred in your life.  BUT look at where you are now!!!!  You succeeded where those who should have had your back told you basically you would never reach this point.  Kudos to you and keep on holding your head up!  You rock!

Thanks!  It reads like a freaking soap opera, I keep thinking write it into a book before its too late and I start to forget the juicy parts.  I still do hate my father, because honestly I don't care where your children are or how old they are, you should be their parent until the day you die.  My son had a job interview today, he called me on the way there and the moment he left there, and I mapquested the address to help him find the drug testing place and had it texted to him and for sure he will call me before he gets there because it is in a town he is not familiar with.  He knows mom is always here for him, and I will have it no other way, no matter what that means I have to sacrifice, when I had a child, my commitment was for life. 

Father's day was a mixed bag for me as well. My dad wasn't the greatest although I remember some good times, I remember more bad. I lost him when I was 15, he basically drank himself to death after leaving my mom and us. He had another daughter with the woman he left my mom for, she was only a few months old when he died. So she has no idea what he was, I won't be the one to tell her. I was fortunate that his oldest brother stepped up and acted like a grandpa to me and did the "dad" things with me. I always knew he loved me and he was my rock. I lost him as a young adult to cancer. Yesterday I spent the day as I have many others, with my husband and our kids, and also celebrated my brother's birthday which is on the 18th. I watched as my son's ran off at the campground to be with their friends rather then spend the time with their dad. It hurt me as I know they don't realize what they have. I figure one day they will though, I just hope it's not too late.

I did something different this year though. I went to the cemetery and I sat cross legged at my father's head stone, and I forgave him. Not for him, for me. I laid my head on his stone and I cried. I told him everything I had to say from my heart. I told him I forgive him. I told  him how proud he would be of his children and his grandchildren he never met. I told him how much my son, his namesake would have loved going up in the airplane with him and how he loved guns just like his grandpa. I had a good cry and a great talk and I felt the pain and the hate lift from my heart. It's been 29 years since he died and for the first time I was able to love him without the hate. It feels good. I knew when I had this surgery I would need to forgive him if I ever wanted to remain successful at the weight loss. I've done it. Now I need to look at the other demons and pain I was avoiding so I can deal with them.

I hope one day you can find peace, until then I hope you can continue to enjoy your husband on father's day!