My brain is broken and my body too......

As some of you know, I had lost too much weight last summer and have had to work to gain it back. The good news is that I am back up to just under 125 pounds. Woo-Hoo, right? Yes and no. After years of obesity, gaining weight = bad, thus the broken brain. I feel better physically, but feel like I've gained too much and am just going to end up back where I was. I know that I won't because this gaining was difficult. I look at myself and feel big because I got too used to being underweight, grrrr. I know that I will get used to being a normal weight again soon, thank goodness!! I guess that it doesn't help that I decided that being a size 2 isn't fun trying to find nice clothing and I want to be a 4.

Ahhh, the body. I wa**** hard in a rear end collision 8 years ago with ongoing neck injuries as a result. I used to think that this was something ambulance chasers made up. Nope, it isn't. It is painful and horrible. I have been injected with all kinds of steroids and even Botox (which would have been better served on my face, LOL). I've had surgery, become addicted to pain medication and now have an arm that is numb and hurts all the time. It doesn't make sense to me that a limb can be numb yet hurt like a toothache, but that's the way it is. I have permanent nerve damage from compressed nerves in my cervical spine. 

I have finally given in to the fact that I am permanently disabled and applied for SSDI. My depression in the past year has been terrible, so I have waited to do this until I thought I could handle it. I thought that I was OK and took the plunge. After spending 6 1/2 hours filling out the initial info on-line I fell apart. It feels like I have finally given in to the fact that it really isn't going to get any better. One of the big reasons that I even had WLS was that all of the Drs I saw about my injuries told me that my weight wasn't helping in recovering. The weight loss has helped my knee pain, but not my neck. Since sending that initial long disability report, I have had many more pages to fill out. The online part is easier, I can type with one hand. The rest is on paper, I am right handed and my numb arm is my right one. UGH!!!

I haven't been on here in a few weeks because of all of this. I don't personally understand how being active here, weighing every day and gaining weight could go together. I felt like too much of a failure to participate on this forum. I had a long talk with my therapist about this on Wednesday. She suggested that I come back and set my goals "out loud" here and go forward with my support system that I have felt such a part of for so long.

So, there it is.....I am back! I have missed you all SO much!!  

Martha 

I've been on SSDI for almost ten years now and I still remember how stressful and depressing the whole application process was.  I feel for you.

Thank you Kelly, I had no idea that I would have this reaction to the process. I'm glad to know that it's not just me.

Martha 

Oh, it was awful.  I actually spent many, many weeks of therapy sessions talking about it.  I got disability for depression and PTSD and I felt like I had to focus so much on everything that was wrong with me, on all my problems, because of course that's what you get disability for, but it was depressing.  And kind of embarrassing, because there were problems I would have preferred not to discuss with complete strangers but they were things that made it difficult for me to work and I needed the disability people to be aware of them.

I spoke with an attorney that specialized in disability law, and he advised me to get copies of all my past medical records that I could because he said social security usually just requests copies of your most recent records, but they have to consider all the info you send them, and of course, having records from 12 years of treatment would make my case look better than just records from my last hospitalization.  So I tracked down all the records I could and got copies of them, and I looked through them before sending copies of them to social security.  That was upsetting, too.

I have missed you tremendously and I am so happy to see you back on the board! I know you have been going thru a lot, and totally understand your need for some time to yourself! I hate knowing you are in pain, and I know we live a world away, but if there is anything I can help you with, I'm here for you! Welcome back!

Thanks Calla,

I have appreciated you checking in on me. Funny, I know we live far apart, but it doesn't feel that way!

Martha 

Glad to have you back!

Thank you Katie

Hugs...one day at a time.... And hope for better days..,

Thanks Hala, gotta hope for better days