So, we decided not to really tell anybody about me looking into and probably having surgery.  At this time I'm just waiting on the final ok for financing.  Well, he told his boss.  :/  I live in a really tiny, very rural town and did not really want it 'getting around' about this.  We are fairly new to town and I'm kind of an 'outcast' as it is because we are out of towners and I am pretty shy.  He doesn't understand why this is a big deal.  I don't know, maybe I am overreacting about it but I'm mad.  I think he could have just said he needed some time off at the time of surgery to help me out and didn't necessarily need to go into detail about what surgery I am having.  I just see his boss will obviously tell his wife, who will tell her cousin/friends that my kids go to school with and around town it'll go.  Not thrilled about that prospect.  Guess I'll get over it but I just feel like he doesn't understand.  He doesn't think this is a big deal but honestly, I'm kind of embarrassed that I am having the surgery in the first place.  Feel like people will see me as 'weak' and a 'loser' for not being able to lose the weight and keep it off 'the hard way.  I know this isn't 'the easy way' or a quick fix but so many people see it that way.  

 

I will say hubby is all for this and super supportive... it's just this one 'slip' that I am not thrilled about.  

I don't know if anybody here lives in a little rural, clicky, gossipy town to understand what I am saying... I think you'd have to live in a similar place to know what I mean.  Anyway, just wanted/needed to vent and since I'm not really telling anybody don't have another avenue to do so.  Thanks for 'listening'. 

 

I'm sorry he told his boss.  Maybe he didn't understand how important it was to you to keep it a secret.  It's kind of hard for me to understand, even though I know many people do prefer to keep it a secret, because I don't really look at it as being any different than any other kind of surgery.  Would you be embarrassed if he told his boss you had to have your gall bladder removed or a hip replaced?  Maybe you would and would want to keep any type of medical treatment a secret.  I don't know.

I don't know why it would make you weak or a loser for not keeping weight off the hard way.  I do most things in my life the easy way.  For instance, tonight I cooked my dinner on the stove instead of chopping wood and then cooking over an open fire.  Using the stove is a lot easier!  I had an appointment this afternoon that was about 40 miles a way and I drove there because that was a lot easier than walking.  Yesterday when I did a load of laundry, I use the washing machine because that's a lot easier than scrubbing my clothes on a washboard.  I don't think that means I'm weak or a loser, though.  Do you?

Hi poet kelly, I've been on this site since last may i think, just when i started to think about WLS. I read many, many of your posts and they all seem so grounded and level headed. I like your version of advice and I like how you word it. I hope one day I'll be on the recipient side of your wisdom.

I'm 60 yr old man who has constantly gained weight for the last 30 yrs or so. I'm 5' 11", current weight is 289. I was about 316 when this started taking shape. and now im down to about 289. my current bmi is about 41.

my sleeve date is jan 6, 2014. I hope you dont mind me dumping all this on you, I geuss i'm hoping for some gems of wisdom from you.

 

I'm a new fan of  yours,

 

lciarlo

I do live in a small town. I can't imagine one of my employees telling me something like that though and then me telling anybody else. It's unethical and a complete violation of trust. 

 

I live in a fairly small town, and I work in healthcare and see hundreds of patients a year -- so I have had people that I have not told come up to me in the drug store and ask about my surgery.  People talk.  I decided to be very open about it. I have been obese my entire life.  I felt like I needed to give credit to WLS.  So -- honestly when I am proud of my decision the people I tell pick up on that vibe.  Don't be embarrassed, be very matter-of-fact and you will get support.  I usually say, "I tried every other diet known to man over the past 20 years, so I decided it was time to try something that works."

However, I would be TOTALLY PISSED at my husband if I had told him not to tell!! :-)

Don't be embarrassed ... would you be embarrassed if you had appendicitis and needed an appendectomy?  

People who think it is the easy way out haven't tried for years to lose weight unsuccessfully.  

 

I like your answer.

I get where you are coming from. We just moved 6 months ago from Atlanta, Ga to Fredonia, Wisconsin, which has a population of 1900 people. The elementary school, middle school and high school are in the same building. My husband left law enforcement after 15 years to take a job with the Medical College in Milwaukee. Even though having this surgery is nothing to be ashamed of, I didn't want to announce it to the world. I have only told a handful of my closest family and friends. Like you I didn't want people looking at me like I was lazy or taking the easy way out. Nothing about this is easy, however people look at as if we would just diet and excercise, we would be fine. Of course that could not be further from the truth. Good luck with everything and I am sure your husband wasn't thinking when he told his boss.

I think this will be less ofan issue than you think. To generalize a bit, most men would take away 'surgery' and 'so and so needs time off'. His boss will likely not remember what the surgery is if he mentionsit, which I doubt. Also, I discoveredthat since I am happy for me, other people are too. Above all, do not be defensive. You have nothing to defent. It is a surgical treatment for a medical problem. Good luck!

I completely understand why you would be angry with your husband for telling his boss about your surgery.  I would be, too! Men often don't think about the emotional aspects of these types of things, though, and men in general are not as gossip-prone as women, so he probably didn't think it would be a big deal.

I also understand feeling embarrassed about getting to a point (and weight) where you need WLS.  It was that very thing that kept me from pursuing RNY a year before I did (only to find out that my insurance didn't cover it, so I ended up having to wait another year when my insurance plan changed). It is also the reason that Starr Jones gave for having lied repeatedly for months and months about having had it.  

I think it is important for your OWN mental health and self-esteem (screw what anyone else thinks... there are always going to be "haters" and Negative Nellies and people who are just plain ignorant/clueless about weight issues) to get to a place where you don't see yourself as weak or whatever else for needing surgery. MANY of us are genetically predisposed to obesity, so it isn't just a matter of eating less and exercising more when your body is working against you. Yes, it embarrassing to admit that your eating is out of control, but one of the things that many people gain from having WLS (when they are able to keep the weight off) is a sense of control when they seemed so OUT of control for so many years where food was concerned!  

As others have said, it isn't really THAT different from signing a surgical consent form to have your appendix or gallbladder removed when it becomes diseased.  It also isn't very different from someone with an alcohol or drug problem (whether a junkie living on the streets or a housewife addicted to pain killers or anxiety meds) admitting that they need help to break the addiction and get healthy.

just make sure your husband knows that you are upset, and that you would prefer that he not tell anyone else.

Lora

Yes, I live in a small town. Very rural. And I didnt want anyone to know. Felt the same way. At first I just said that I was exercising alot. Then I became more open about it. There are the ones that say they "dont need surgery to loose a few pounds" and they say this everytime I am around. I just laugh now and say "then why havent you lost it yet?" They get this shocked look on their faces like they cannot believe I said that. I dont think alot of people stand up to them.   I have decided that half the town thinks I am on speed and the other half thinks I cheated. I dont care anymore. I mean, come on! If they cannot think of anything else to gossip about then they must be pretty dang jealous! lol   There are a few that snicker, but I believe in Karma. And its going to bite them in the hiney some day. And while I am prob more attractive than them physically now (body size way) I want to be more beautiful on the inside than them too! So I just ignore what I can. The ladies at the feed store here are really mean, so they dont get my business. And I would love to flatten their tires, lol. So I totally understand where you are coming from and about your concerns. But it will pass. They will find someone else to talk about soon enough. Hang in there!