Lack of support/insensitive spouse

on 12/16/17 3:36 pm
RNY on 12/11/17

Please forgive me for this rant but I don't know where else I can tell this and be understood. I'm 5 days out from surgery and I'm really struggling emotionally with the lack of solid foods. Tonight my husband decided to cook pizza (my favorite food and one I've been craving) for dinner for himself and the kids. This was after riding around in a car sitting next to him while he ate peanut brittle from my favorite candy store (had to go there to pick up a special Xmas gift for my dying mother). Last night he pulled out my favorite chips and sat on the couch eating them and passive aggressively apologizing. (But still engage in the food torture.) I'm so far at the end of my rope that I actually grabbed a piece of pizza, chewed it then spit it into a paper towel. He just smiled at me. What's going on here??? My marriage wasn't great to begin with and I was pretty sure that I was going to end it once I got my health back, but this pretty much seals the deal. Who treats their wife like this??

Thanks for letting me get that out!

on 12/16/17 5:00 pm - Philadelphia, PA
RNY on 04/28/15

I wasn't there, so I'm not seeing what you're seeing. I'm seeing your husband and kids living their life the way they have always lived it. They are marching on business as usual.

You made the decision to have surgery- they don't need to walk lightly around you. Rather you have to develop the thick skin and cultivate will power like never before.

Sorry if this truly the start of the end of your marriage. It's an unfortunate statistic of WLS.

5'6.5" High weight:337 Lowest weight:193/31 BMI: Goal: 195-205/31-32 BMI

on 12/16/17 6:57 pm
RNY on 12/11/17

The problem is that it they aren't living their lives the way they've always lived it- My kids actually hate pizza and begged him to not cook it because the only one who ever enjoys it is me. Then he smiled at me when I broke down in front of him. I really think this was his way of punishing me for trying to gain some independence beginning with my health.

on 12/17/17 2:52 am - Philadelphia, PA
RNY on 04/28/15

He won't be the first person to relish in your weak moments. Lots of people will want to see you fail to be able to say I told you so. But you should be able to expect a level of understanding from your life partner.

I don't look to my husband for support in this. It's not that he doesn't, it just wouldn't come in the fashion I would prefer. And I had enough to figure out in this process without being his tour guide on how to support me. With men sometimes you have to paint a very clear picture of what you need. Outside of the early post-op physical recovery stage, I didn't feel like painting. I used OH as my network.

Was your husband opposed to your having surgery?

5'6.5" High weight:337 Lowest weight:193/31 BMI: Goal: 195-205/31-32 BMI

on 12/17/17 8:34 am
RNY on 12/11/17

You make some good points, and I guess because I had the surgery less than a week ago I expected a little more support. He's actually wanted me to have the surgery for years.

on 12/16/17 6:18 pm - Canada
RNY on 06/02/17

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this.

Try to focus on why you chose to have this surgery. You did this for you! Flaunting food around you that you can't eat is clearly not nice, but you are going to be tempted by poor food choices for the rest of your life so maybe try to look at this as your chance to get stronger and stronger in your resolve.

I wish you all the best and hope that you find some good support going forward.

Surgery Jun.2/17 at TWH ----- HW 215 - SW 197.2 - GW 125 CW 124.6

Pre-Op=8.8lbs --- Optifast= 8.4 (was on it for 9 days due to cancellation)

M1 - 20.6... M2 -10.2... M3 -8.0... M4 -5.8... M5 -9.0... M6 -5.2... M7 -7.0... M8 -2.2... M9 -0.9... M10 -2.6... M11-0.6... M12-2.0

on 12/16/17 11:11 pm

Sorry about your marriage, like above, you will have lots of triggers, you just need to be strong and over come it!

Highest weight: 265, surgery weight: 245, surgery date: 9/11/17 RNY m1: - 26 m2: - 14 m3: -15 m4: -10 m5: -8 m6: - 4 m7: -6.5 m8: - 1.5 m9: -3 m10: - 0 m11: - 2 m12: -0

Shannon S.
on 12/17/17 6:40 am
VSG on 11/07/17

I still have to cook, my husband and kids still order out, and I pack lunches. Food is part of our daily lives. We have to exercise our willpower despite the triggers around us. The fact he's taunting you is probably what is bothering you. All I have to say to that is the best revenge is success. He's taunting you, and he smiled because it worked. You fell for his plan. Don't give him the power, and once he sees how strong and unwavering you are in your weightloss efforts, watch how the roles reverse as you become the woman he fears you will become. Keep at it! You have this!

on 12/17/17 8:36 am
RNY on 12/11/17

Thank you for that advice!!

on 12/17/17 6:42 am
RNY on 03/20/17

Question... Is he also obese ?