"To tell or not to tell" with apologies to Shakespeare

 I think the important decision is WHY you're keeping it a secret.  As I mentioned in my post abovem if there is an emotional risk that can come back and bite you during WL, start getting a grip on that early on.

If you are just wanting to avoid conflict or judgement, thats a case by case thing that everyone has to deal with.  I am an advocate of the situationally sppropriate level of detail.  Depending on the situation when someone comments on my eating pattern at a business event I will use the recently had abdominal surgery or recently had weight loss surgery.  In anpther situation I may go into more detail.  I might also give more detail if asked.  A number of times people have asked to know more about why I made the decision I did.

I also look at a lot of the conflict/avoiding judgement discussions as a chance to educate people about obesity and the struggle you face losing bariatric levels of weight.  I had a number of those conversations with people before my surgery.  They were mostly caused by peoples fear of surgery.

For the most part people are more supportive that you fear when they are given the facts and you trust them to be.  I haven't had a single continued negative reaction.

Where I have no sympathy is the "I don't want to lie but I dont want to tell" thing.  Theres a simple answer if you don't want to lie, don't.  I also have no sympathy for the poster the other day who was pissed at her coworkers for not commenting on her weight loss when she clearly sent do not discuss signals to them before weight loss.  You can't have your cake and eat it to.

Lastly, I think avoiding the topic is just condescending to people.  It assumes they are too stupid to put the pieces together.  There are so many outward signs of what we have done - the rapid weight loss is just the first.  When you combine that with the ha*****anges (always sipping, eating high levels of protein, not drinking with meals, suspiciously small quantities) you are wearing a sign that announces "I HAD WLS".  The scarlet letter isn't sewn on our clothes, its spelled out in our bahvior.  Better to just handle it up front than have people talk behind our backs.

Rob,
In my case, I just didn't want to deal with the BS.  Maybe I should have been more specific in my post but it was really just 1 person who I didn't tell and she was my former friend at work who is MO.  I mentioned to her the previous year that I was looking into WLS and she completely flew off the handle.  Instead of saying WLS isn't for her but that she would support me, she flat out told me I was an idiot for going the WLS route.  I tried time and time again to explain my reason to her but she didn't listen to me, period.  This is a gal who always talks over me and I cannot get a word in edgewise.  For me, I just didn't want to hear it, that is all.  It was no emotion or deep rooted issue for me.  I planned to tell her right before my surgery but someone else that I told beat me to it.  I believe that was part of the reason our friendship is strained today.  So I can see how & way this can come back and bite us in the ass.  I had my agenda planned out to tell her when I was ready but I screwed up by putting it off.  We are slowly re-building our friendship now but it probably won't ever be the same.  Even though I didn't tell her earlier, I still don't regret my actions with her.  I had my reasons and I back them up.  In my eyes I still told her I was having WLS because I already planned to at the start of my journey; I never told her I wasn't going to go thru with it.
I just told the poster that I agree with her having a choice, because she does Rob... she has choice.  No one has to tell everyone if they don't want to regardless of any deep rooted emotional issues.  I get what you are saying though.  You are one of the lucky ones to have not dealt with much negativity. 
The people who pass me in the hall at work who comment on my weight loss, I will just thank them and be on my way.  I don't say, "Hey, I had WLS, that's why I'm  110 pounds lighter".  I don't feel weird for not telling them the reason.  These are people I don't even know, just people who know who I am because I work in the same building.  One MO gal I didn't know commented on my weight loss.  I didn't even know what floor she worked on in my building.  I was in a hurry but I still managed to ask her name and where her office was.  When I got the chance, I visited her and told her about my surgery.   Everyone else that I personally know, knows I had WLS and if anyone asks me directly if I had WLS, stranger or not, I tell them yes.
 

 Jenn,  


Most of that reply was in reply to the general thread, not you specifically.

My point about th emotional issues is that if those are the reasos you don't wnt to tell people, you need to work on those.  Its exactly those dark emotions that poison us in the long run.  I say it over and over again, it's the emotional issues that are the hard work.

Everyone has a choice.  They just need to be sure that they really know why they are making that choice.

I also don't tell every person I pass in the hall that I had WLS.  I don't go out of my way to prevaricate it either.  I dont spend hours trying to figure out how to handle it.  If it comes up, I handle it in a way appropriate to the situation.  My sleeve is as much a part of me as my stomach was before it.  

Its no different in my mind really tha turning down sweets when I was diabetic.  I would simply explain that I couldn't have sweets and why.  

Im sorry you had a bad experience with your friend.  I think it sounds as if she has her own issues she needs to work out and pushed her crap on you.  In general, I would think she's the exception that proves the rule.  I also firmly believe honesty is the best policy.

 Thanks Rob, & I agree with everything you say here.  

I have told some people that I was specifically having wls. Others I just said I was having some stomach issues and having surgery to correct it. For me, it came down to how well I knew them and what kind of person they are; positive or a fun-sucker. I don't want others to bring their negativity into my life. If their negativity is just due to ignorance about WLS, then I can use this opportunity to educate them. But if that is just they way they are, then I choose not to tell them.
I think it is a personal choice, not a "head issue" or a reason to examine yourself. People's health is very personal.

For some this may be an issue of shame but just because you don't tell others doesn't automaticly mean you are ashamed. I was very, very open about getting surgery with everyone. But once it got out I had several people tell me not to do it including 4 friends & my shrink. This act alone has made me question everything which has made my journey harder - and it's hard enough on it's own.

Also, I do a lot of weddings & some weddings were affected by the surgery. Clients asked why I had to take time off & what kind of surgery, they gave me a lot of grief that my "elective" surgery which was a "choice" and not an "urgent medical condition" is the reason I was "wrongly" messing with their wedding.  They litterally complained that I was having weight loss surgery - if it was "real" surgery like I broke my leg or cancer or something that they would have understood but the "elective weight loss surgery" wasn't ok with them as their wedding was more important (that's a bride for you.)

Now that I'm back at work & at weddings people are offering me champagne & cake, etc.. and I would tell them I can't because of surgery & then it leads to questions & akward situtations. So now, I just tell them I'm not allowed surgar & they usually leave it alone. I guess they assume I'm diabetic or something but it's much better than going through the whole surgey talk at every event which is very inappropriate.

After surgery, my husband had to take time off to take care of me so he had to tell everyone at his work - people I never met before. So, when I went to one of his command BBQs after complete strangers who I never met where asking me about it. It really caught me off guard.

I am now in the process of moving from Hawaii to San Diego & have decided we are not telling anyone at all that I had surgery. My family & close friends already know but I really don't want to relive the hell I went through with clients, wedding & friends like before. I'm not ASHAMING - I"M PROTECTING myself. Maybe some people are ashamed & if they are then that's their issue - but their are several valid reasons to keep this very private matter private. My surgery has no place at my work, my weddings or with random strangers.

At the end of the day, don what is best for you.

I don't tell and won't tell, as I agree, it's no one's business.  I am almost 3 years out, and I haven't had any problems whatsoever.  There are a handful of people, that I specifically didn't want to share the information with for personal reasons, but you can't tell some people and not others (especially in a small town or big office).  It just doesn't work that way, so I've kept it to myself and have no regrets.

Don't let anyone make you feel like you are doing anything wrong making this choice!

Another perspective on this- I have conducted staff development presentations on introverts and extroverts. One thing to know is that extroverts are very open and have the same persona most of the time. Introverts will have a different persona--such as a public face and a private face--depending upon how comfortable they are with a person. I have a close friend who is an extreme extrovert. She tells everybody all of her business. I am an introvert and I only tell my personal business to people I trust and am close to. So another factor that might affect whether a person is comfortable telling others about their surgery is whether they tend to be more extroverted or more introverted.

Amen!

I told only my two sisters and my mom.  My skinny sister outed me at a family funeral and then I became the center of all the talk and not my dead uncle. It was horrible for me as I was not prepared for this. -

I have no problem talking about my WLS with strangers but family is just too judgemental.  I do not want to be watched and commented on.  I have been overweight for most of my life and I have a hard enough time accepting that I am going to be successful without having to explain it to a million skinny relatives who have never struggled a day in their life. If this is shame so be it.

If someone was overweight and has struggled I would have no problem talking about my surgery to them but it is all the nosey parkers that I am trying to avoid.

I guess the bottom line for me is if you ask me one on one and I know you are not just nosey then I will spill.

I think maybe for me the length of time I have been overweight and my current age (50's) has an impact on what I want to share and with whom. Maybe I would be more open if I did the surgery in my thirties.