My Husband is Acting 9 Kinds of Crazy - Help!

Tears roll down my cheeks as I read these responses. I know at the end of the day you guys are right and our marriage is dead. I am exhausted from trying but am scared of being on my own with our children. The grass isn't greener on the other side and I am terrified of dating (he was my HS sweetheart and my first date). The dating world is foreign to me.

Financially I am secure as an individual and have a wonderful career that will sustain our family. My concern is stability. My parents have been married for 34 years, it is all I know. I realize the example he provides now isn't great and our home will be much happier when our kids get to be kids and play with their toys (he doesn't let them get them out), and can play in the house without getting yelled at.

One of my concerns now is that he is always telling me that I am going to leave because I am a who**. Mind you I have never once looked another guys way much less cheat, on the other hand he has and I raised the child from his affair; so I think they are his securities screaming out. Deep down I want to run. I know he is going to turn my motives for getting the surgery around in my face and that scares me because he is going to degrade my character. It is such a hard spot, thanks for being there for me.

I had to look at it differently. I had to decide that I will NOT tolerate mistreatment. I didn't look at it like all or nothing. I looked at it like I will expect and demand fair and loving treatment. If he doesn't provide that then HE made the decision to end the marriage.

It would be the same if someone had cancer. If they abused you and suddenly got sick, are you leaving because of the cancer? No, you leave because they abuse you. They can turn it into any guilt trip they want. The reality is that he is choosing for you, don't let him put that burden on you. You having surgery is extraneous to being abused. It's a nonfactor.

I'm so sorry for the situation u r in  But from what u've said, if u know ur marriage is dead, y invest anymore time & energy in it... I know it's sooo difficult to walk away (esp. when their r kids involved) but when it is to benefit your children... so they can actually play and BE children!

U have to do it for ur kids... they've been through enough and they deserve better than that...

Being alone is scary, but ur kids r more important than a little fear... and when the time is right and ur focused on u, someone will come along and love how well u take care of urself and the value and respect u have for yourself and LOVE it!!!

As for him saying ur a ***** F him and his drunk self!!! U know ur motives for surgery and u know ur character... that's all that matters!!! Ur kids will know a healthier, happier Mommy and will not grow up in fear of playing with their own toys or wondering what else is going to set daddy off and not grow up thinking that abuse is part of a "normal" relationship...

RUN RUN RUN!!! However you decide to handle it tho, I wish u n ur kids the best... good luck and keep doing what u have to do for u n urs!

So what if he feels he's right that you would leave him? Nothing you say or do will change his mind. You may as well get out and on with your life and be HAPPY!

I'm pre-op. Fortunately, my husband IS supportive, but he said he worries because he hears of marriages ending after the spouse loses weight. I tell him: "they were not happy in the marriage to begin with."

This is your time to be happy and, as a result, your children will be much happier and, believe it or not, will respect you so much more for not putting up with his crap.

I wish you all the luck in the world; you deserve it!

Can I ask you a serious question???

You are worried about him degrading your character? Because HE thinks you're leaving because of your pant size, but YOU are not worried about your character being degraded by staying with him and allowing your children to witness this???

Who gives TWO ****S why the hell you are leaving or what he thinks the reason is, you're leaving because he's an abusive, alcoholic asshole.

As for dating, really?? All you've known is ****ty behaviors from a partner YET you know that it is NOT normal or acceptable. Let's worry about your mental and emotional stability before you consider dating. You know you can be a complete person without having a partner. A lover, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner should COMPLIMENT you in your life, mesh well with your lifestyle, your morals, beliefs etc etc NOT COMPLETE you.


I'd be more upset about what my children think of me than what he says about you. He's already telling you horrific things, he's already being a horrific example of a man to your children. . He's already calling you vulgar names, beating you over and over verbally, he's mean to your children, and YET you're worried that he's going to degrade your character because he's going to say you left because your a skinny **** now??? That's what I'm assuming you are worried about from what I can infer from your comments.



As for the serious question:

What would you say to your daughter, sister or best friend if she was in this situation? If it was to get out and have a backbone, why can't take that same advice?

P.S. It's taken me years upon years to forgive my mother for staying. I've now been estranged from my father for over 5 years. I can not and will not ever understand how he chose women, booze and dope over his children. And, it took me years to forgive my mother and not hold anger and resentment towards her. Don't make your children suffer because you're afraid of being alone. You know being Happy, safe and content while being ALONE is way better than being abused just to say you're with someone.

 I would add a question to this....what would you say to your son if he were treating a woman this way?

Ultimately, by staying, you are teaching your children that this behavior is ok - you're teaching them it's ok for a man to treat a woman this way, and a woman to be treated this way.

And USAF Wife...sorry this is going to look like I replied to you, but I couldn't think of a better way to tag on to your very well spoken commentary.

 Ok, it is huge that you are finanically able to sustain your family.  I do not agree with the posters in that you pack your bags today- it is a marriage.  BUT, if after setting those clear bounderies and giving him at least a bit of time to adjust and he still continues to be an ass then please allow me the honor of coming to your home and helping you pack your bags.  I would go to a therapist immediately though to have someone to help view what is going on objectively and to advocate for you and your kids.  If he goes great, if not go anyway.  

In the meantime start educating yourself on divorce.  I have two women close to me that got utterly screwed in the process.  Both though are happier and in better places then where they were.  I know here in Michigan whoever files first gets custody, so if it were me you can bet your a$$ I would be filing first.  Close out or eliminate your name that has joint credit so he can screw that up for you.  My sister-in-law had for years been the one to pay the credit card bills, food, and provide for the kids needs- the BIL paid the mortgage and car note.  She got all the debt from the marriage and he got the house and car as a result.  Shameful.  Think it through and educate yourself if this is the path you are heading down.  

 " I do not agree with the posters in that you pack your bags today- it is a marriage"

I beg to differ.  A marriage is a partnership, not always an equal one, but a partnership, nonetheless.  What the OP has described is not a partnership, not by any definition.

Skinny jeans, he's already abusing the kids by not letting them play and screaming at them. Hello? Kids play. Not letting them do their thing is just wrong. Also, the guilt trip crap--you're a ***** blah blah blah--is just a mind game he's playing with you. He's using that garbage to control you. It's typical abuser behavior. They do it to keep you in line. When he says **** like that, you've got to think to yourself "he's lying & making stuff up to control me." Don't for a second believe it--remind yourself it's all part of his game. I was in an abusive relationship (never married the guy, thank God) for 4 yrs. It was verbal crap very similar to what you described. He wouldn't let me meet his friends because he was "ashamed" of me, that kind of garbage.

I went through training for volunteers at a women's shelter years ago & I remember them saying men like him rarely change. Why should they? They're getting everything their way. Oh, another thing--that stuff where he insults you and later apologizes is typical of abusers, too. I think if you remind yourself every time he says something nasty that those words of his are a weapon for controlling you, it'll make it easier for you to leave. When he spews abuse, think "he's making **** up to make me feel bad so he can control me." Don't confront him. It won't teach him anything and it might provoke violence.  Just go.