Marital separation before surgery or a few weeks/months afterwards?

 Hi--

New to this forum, first-time post. My question in the subject line probably sounds crazy, but the short version is that my husband of 23 years and I decided about a week ago to live separately for what we hope is only temporary.  We'll see. Things are still polite...we're not fighting, but we have no relationship/friendship, either. It's pretty much strictly roommates (and yes, there is anger and pain beneath it all).  This is sort of the last-ditch effort to save our marriage. We haven't told the kids yet that there dad is going to move out for awhile. 

I made my appt for sleeve surgery today (mid October). He is supportive and intends to make the trip with me when I have it.   I'm wondering if the lifestyle change of the sleeve is extremely stressful at first and if we should put the separation on hold. I was a stay at home mom for 18 years--I went to work full-time almost two years ago due to things that he has done.  His job situation is flexible, while mine is not, so he has more of the house/kids responsibility than I do. Of course, when he moves out, I will have to adjust to being a full-time employee of a somewhat stressful job and a single mom. That in itself will be difficult--while still trying to maintain a sense of normalcy and stability for the kids. He will still be around, but the bulk of the responsibility of parenting will be mine.

For those of you who have had the surgery, how difficult is the adjustment period immediately following the surgery?  Would it be better to wait until sometime after the surgery to separate?  The kids also start school on Monday. We were talking about him moving out this coming weekend or next week. How important is the stress-level when making this lifestyle change from the surgery?

Hope this makes sense. I'm not looking for marital advice. I'm n






Poo

Sorry for the cut off! Had technical problems.

I'm not looking for marital advice---that's a whole "nuther" forum! 😉. Just need advice about how stressful the lifestyle change is while dealing with other major changes. My husband would be willing to postpone the separation.

Thanks!

 Well, it depends on your relationship with food right now - it's definitely going to be a difficult transition if you havent worked out those issues. For the first couple weeks, I'd say it's hard but not stressful - learning how to eat/drink, getting on a schedule, etc. My ex husband and I split for good a couple weeks before surgery, and while it was a little bit of an emotional shock, the relationship had been more toxic than beneficial, so ending that relationship was definitely the best thing i could have done right before my surgery. It's a little bit different bc i didnt have kids to worry about but I think ultimately you need to decide whether he's helping or hurting you and your emotional health by being around...

 I'm not really a grazer. It helps that I'm at work and not around food. He does the cooking...and I will have to start doing that when he leaves--not looking forward to cooking after work. 

Anyway, the relationship has been extremely damaging to me. As long as I stay busy (and numb), I can keep going as I have been...functional. Not happy, but I appear that way to those who don't know me well. It's not for the sake of pride, but rather, to just keep functioning.   Working outside of the home has been very helpful for my self-esteem.

 One thing I will tell you is that WLS is going to be more than changing your stomach size and weight - this is a time where you have to learn to love yourself, and take care of you. Getting rid of toxic relationships - while it might make life a little more difficult - will ultimately help you during this process of discovering who you are and what you want out of life. 

 That is something I will definitely have to learn.  My relationship with him has broken my spirit, and I have always been a lively gal.  I'm much better than I was a year or two ago, though, thanks to a work environment that has been enjoyable and affirming. 

 My husband and I separated the September before I had my surgery this June. I hadn't thought about the surgery yet. I received my divorce papers in the mail the Saturday after I had my surgery. He purposefully had them sent that week. The period after my surgery wasn't the cause. And I believe if he had been serious about working things out we could have with or without the surgery. What he did was vindictive because he thought I was putting more attention into the surgery process than trying to save our marriage. Which is bull. Anyways. I didn't find the postop period anymore stressful than any other life situation. 

 That's totally uncool!

I ended the relationship with my ex boyfriend (the first time lol) May 26th.  At my 6/8 surgeon appt, he offered me a slot on 6/21.  I took it and am so glad.  I was really worried about adding the stress of surgery on top of my already weakened emotional state (plus my best friend was moving away, my sister moved away, and I was unhappy at work - so lots of stress).  But in reality, it gave me a chance to be home for 2 weeks reading, sitting by the pool, watching TV, crying whenever I needed to, and spending as much time as I needed taking care of myself. 

We weren't living together, so that wasn't an issue.  I just wish I could have 2 weeks off to take care of me and only me whenever I have a heartache!    I never had the urge to eat something off plan or overeat because I was just focused on myself and learning my new lifestyle.

 Ooooh, wish I could take that time! I'm planning to go back to work one week post-op.