Marriage after WLS???

This coming March, we will celebrate - and I mean CELEBRATE - 20 years of marriage.

The prevailing theory is solid. If you had a good marriage before surgery, you will have a good marriage after surgery. Sorry to the ladies above me, but MY husband is the best out there. Hands down. He is my rock and the single most supportive person in my life. He keeps me sane. He loves me and I love him back.

I would talk to him. Keep talking. If counseling is an option, go. Even if you go alone. He might be processing. Sometimes I have to let my husband be alone with his thoughts for a while.

Ask me what we're doing for our 20th anniversary? Paris? Nah. Hawaii? Nope. We're ditching the kids and going to Six Flags so I can ride roller coasters! Something I've never been able to do before! *laughing*

I don't have this issue so I am speaking from a purely speculative perspective. Your husband is probably very worried. For someone who doesn't know much about this surgery views it more like you are having major surgery to have your stomach removed. It maybe that he doesn't see things like you do. He may love you just the way you are and in general men do not like change. Instead of talking, get him to do the talking. Ask him how he feels about it, ask him if he has any concerns. I am assuming you have done your research and you will be able to answer him. 

A lot of people view these surgeries as a short cut or the easy way out. It is anything but easy. Your life changes drastically. You will eat differently. Half of your pantry will be consumed by stuff you never would have bought before. For the first couple of months you will obsess over what you can and can't eat, if you got enough water, if you got enough protein, did you take your vitamins, etc. You will be more self consumed than you ever have before. Not necessarily in a bad way. This is for your health, this is for your longevity. It will be a lot about you.

My best piece of advice is to include your husband in this process as much as you can and as much as he wants to be. I had my surgery in Mexico and was originally planning to go by myself and decided at the last minute to ask my wife to go. It was bonding experience that we both needed. Could I have done it without her? Absolutely, but her being there meant a lot to me and she was a huge help. She suffered through 4 days in Mexico stuck in a hotel or a hospital room with nothing to do. BTW she doesn't like to be more than a couple miles away from home, so it was huge.

I didn't have a great marriage, but it is a marriage that we both work at every day.  My husband and I dated 6 weeks before we got married...yes SIX weeks!  Stupid, I know.  I was graduating from college and had accepted a job in another state.  Actually I was training him to take my place at my college workplace...anyway...that was 23 YEARS ago!  Some good years...some really bad.  Not abusive or anything.  No cheating, just us neglecting one another, and dealing with secondary infertility caused by my gaining 80 lbs with our first child.  I wasn't overweight when we married either, although I had gained and lost for a few years before I met him. 

The weight gained continued until I had gained another 50 lbs on top of that.  Almost 11 years after our son was born and two years of fertility treatments, we had twins.  That was almost 11 years ago.  I continue to digress...my husband was not for my WLS.  He never made me feel bad about my weight except for the problems it was causing with my fertility.  Then he would ask when I was going to lose weight so we could have more children.

The weight never bothered him.  He always wanted me sexually, and he didn't think WLS was necessary for me.  He didn't say why at first, but over time he opened up that he was worried that there would be complications.  He was worried about losing me.  Since that revelation, our marriage has never been better.  My surgery was in July 2011.  I knew he appreciated me in ways he had never expressed.  Since we have been more attentive to each other and one another's needs.  So even though he was verbally unsupportive of my surgery.  When the time came, he didn't leave me while I was in the hospital.  He looked after me when I came home.  So far we have a happily ever after, and I've never been healthier in the 23 year we've been together.

Sorry for the rambling, but I felt like our story needed a 'backdrop'.  lol  Best wishes to you.  Hopefully you will both be able to come to terms with you decision. 

he is probably nervous and scared for you.   My husband kept telling me from about 3 weeks before surgery up until about a week before, I LOVE YOU THE WAY YOU ARE... until i finally got tired of hearing it and i told him, BUT I DONT... once he understood how i felt, he has totally supported me... he has commented on how well i am doing, and he even gives opinions on what i should eat and how...he has went online and thourghly researched the sleeve.  he is so supportive and gives me compliments every day, i love it, we have been married for 29 years and we are still going strong......tell your husband you need him to listen and to understand how you feel.  hand him some research on it and have him read it...but really, im sure he just is scared for you. 

Well I was going to boast and say my wife and I have been married for 28 1/2 years, but then Brenda went and posted before me. My wife was not supportive when I first wanted to have WLS, but she changed her mind over time when she did her own research about it. She still had some reservation, but we went forward with it. Now, my wife is 2 months post op herself. I have to say the most important thing in a marriage is COMMUNICATION. You have to work hard at keeping the lines of communication open or problems start to creep in. Good Luck and keep your head held high.

lol..sorry mike...lol ...  congratulations on the years of marriage. its awesome being married to your soul mate. and congratulations on her joining the bench with you, that is an awesome support team right there.  my husband is currently on a diet and it helps alot that he is losing weight with me.  and you are absolutely right, COMMUNICATION is EVERYTHING in a marriage

I agree that if your marriage is strong before, it will likely continue to be strong after. I'm not saying that even a strong marriage can't fall apart after WLS, but it's far less likely. My husband and I have been through so much in our 11 years together that this was just a drop in the bucket--so to speak. When we met, I was not overweight at all. He didn't agree with surgery at all at first but once he realized how much I really wanted to get healthy--he was supportive. He had seen me diet up and down with much frustration most of our marriage and I think that seeing that made him more understanding when it came time to do it t. When I had the surgery, he was my biggest supporter. He has been supportive and caring about everything since. But the months and weeks leading up to it--I know he was apprehensive. I think once the surgery was over--the fear of me being sick or dying from surgery was gone--and he cheered right up. We've been through so much that this was "nothing" compared to some of our other trials and tribulations. He has always been loving and good to me and he still is now. I am so lucky to have him. Communication is probably the biggest key to success in any marriage and especially during this time with WLS. Tell him if he has any concerns to tell you right away and you can both talk them out. GOOD LUCK!

Hi,

I was going to avoid this subject -- those who have read my posts understand why.  However, while I'm very happy for all those who posted before me that they all have either the best husbands/fathers/marriages and it's wonderful,  the reality is that this is not the case for everyone. 

If there are problems before surgery, you can bet there will be problems after as well.  I have been married over 42 years -- I wish I could say it was a great marriage.  It is not.  At no time has the spouse been supportive about this surgery.  I did not have this surgery to lose weight -- though that was an expected added bonus.  I had the surgery to save my life -- comorbs were going to kill me...........in fact, my doctors were surprised I made it to age 65.  When I told the husband that I was going to have the surgery unless he could show me why I shouldn't, he said to do what I wanted.  Well, I did just that.  He was "kind" enough to drop me off at the hospital on Thursday and picked me up the following Sunday.  He did "visit" a couple of times -- to ask about some household situation that needed immediate attention.  Once home, he did NOTHING -- not even bring a glass of water to me.  I took care of myself from minute one. 

Now, almost 5 months out and 61 pounds  and over 50 inches gone, he has said not one word about what I have been able to do.  Yes, I'm a slow loser, but what I have lost is nothing to sneeze at.  When I asked his thoughts at about 3 months out, he reminded me that he doesn't praise fat people for losing weight they never should have gained in the first place.  I laugh at that now because in my mind, I think "well, there's 172 pounds I should never have gained over 42 years ago!!!  Actually, he was only 135 when we got married.............hmmmmmmm..........he's gaining, I'm losing...........who is the winner here???

Seriously, nothing has changed...........he's still Sir Jerkwad and I expect that isn't ever going to change.  I do know (from a friend of his who can't keep a secret) that he's afraid I'm going to leave him once I've lost more weight.  Well, that's a distinct possibility and no one should be surprised if it happens.

Bottom line:  if you have a good marriage to start with, you will probably have a better marriage afterward -- YOU will be happier, and as most folks know........when Momma is happy, the family is happy.  If you have a marriage anything like mine, don't expect miracles.  With support, advice and encouragement from so many fine people here on OH, I've learned that I matter and this is about ME.........not anyone else. 

Sorry of this puts a damper on all the happiness from the above posters.  I don't mean to rain on anyone's parade.........just letting you know that things aren't always going to turnout in an idyllic way.  That being said, if you have communication going on, please use that tool to help yourselves deal with the surgery and the effects it will have on your lives. 

I wish you all the best...........it's been a great ride and I see it getting better and better as time goes one.  Good luck.......

Ree

 

 

 

I'm glad you posted this. People need to hear reality. Not all will make it through this with a happy marriage on the other side. My husband and I have been together for only 4 years, but we love each other and he utterly adores me and I him. He does not support my decision and though I know he is the sweetest and would never treat me badly, it was a fear in the back of my head. So, upon reading your post and fighting back tears, I read parts of it to him. I asked him if he would ever be like that to me. His response, "I don't support your decision, but I will always support you." I love him and am so thankful to have him. My heart breaks for you and I can see, while he fears you will leave him, he is really bringing it on himself.

My husband is disabled and has gained a lot of weight since his injury. While I would never mention to him to have the surgery, I hope that my success will encourage him to take a step in that direction, by surgery or some other means. He has a severe back injury and has trouble doing most exercise and sometimes moving at all. He went a whole month once in a wheelchair because he couldn't stand. He has good days and some bad. ANYWAY! lol! I hope I can encourage him to try something!

God bless you Ree and I hope that whatever may come and whatever decisions are made make YOU happy! Good luck!

I agree that if your marriage is good and strong before surgery, it will be that way after surgery.  I'm still a newlywed (next month will be one year), but this is both of our second marriages, so I consider myself well practiced at what a bad marriage looks like.

My husband was worried and uncomfortable about me having surgery, but he was more worried and more uncomfortable about the odds that he would bury me before our 5 year anniversary if something didn't give.  So, we did it in stages, and we did things together.  I quit smoking - he quit using tobacco.  I started going to the gym - we made it a date and went together 5 nights a week.  I changed what I was eating - he changed his diet and started helping with the grocery shopping.  When it was time to meet the surgeon the first time, he went with me and spent 2 hours asking questions I hadn't even thought of.

He wasn't able to be there when I had surgery, because he had just started at a new fire department and had to be there for 5 days of orientation time....but he came directly to the hospital after his shift the day after I had surgery, and was there to help deal with the poor nursing care I was receiving.  (That's a fun story, ended up with a letter of apology from the Chief Nursing Officer to me, and a call from the Director of Nursing to him)

And through it all, he's been my biggest cheerleader.  When he comes home from a 24 hour shift, he tells me where he can see a difference in the past day.  When I decided to start doing 5k walks, he decided to go with me....even though that's an easy run for him.  When I get lost in my head hunger, he talks me through it and helps me with making better choices.

This is definitely easier as a team sport.  I can't imagine the struggle for those doing this alone, or with Ree's Sir Jerkwad or his cohorts - and my hat is definitely off to those that accomplish their incredible weight loss and health recovery, even with those challenges.

My advice - talk to your husband, ask him to take this journey with you.  You're partners, you made a committment to spend your lives together, for better or worse.  This can definitely fall in the better category if you do it together!