4 yrs post-op & now my mind's messing with me

Kinda long - sorry, just need to get this all out and I don't have anyone else to talk to. Feel like if I get it all out somewhere where no one will judge me, I'll be able to feel better and maybe get my head back in a good place.

I'll be 4 years post-RNY on Wednesday (Oct 26). I have my post-op checkup with my surgeon Dr. Hunter this coming Monday. I know he's going to expect that I'm happy with where I am because I have been for the past 3 year checkups, and he took out my appendix this past June (he's also a general surgeon) and I was happy and fine when he talked to me just before I went into surgery. My husband told me that while I was in recovery, Dr. Hunter went out to let him know the sugery went fine and Dr. H said he was so proud of how well I've done and been able to maintain. 

But now I'm not fine. During the first 2 weeks after my appendectomy, I lost 15 pounds. At first I figured, no big deal, it will come back, was just probably related to the surgery, even though I'd been eating normally. I had maintained my weight loss since I reached my goal 8 months after surgery. I'd fluctuate up or down a couple of pounds, but I was at a happy weight, was eating well, was stable and felt in control, so I was sure I was fine.

But I weighed one morning and saw that I  had gained almost 5 pounds back in a week. For a few seconds I thought - wow, that's good, because my family and some friends at work had been asking if I was sick because I kept losing weight and my face was looking really sunken. Then that thought left my mind and I freaked - I'd gained 5 pounds in a week without even trying, just eating normally! Was I eating wrong, was I doing something wrong without knowing it? I started writing down everything I ate or drank. Everything seemed appropriate and I looked at old food journals and was on track with those foods and amounts still.

Since gaining back that 5 pounds, I feel like a total mess and I'm driving myself insane - I keep weighing myself every morning, then when I get home from work to see if I've gained too much during the day, then before bed so when I weigh in the morning I'll know if I gained overnight because I ate the day before. I hate myself all day if I gain 1-2 pounds and yet I hate myself if I lose 1-2 pounds, because I know I can't continue to lose, but I'm afraid to eat and gain because what if I can't make myself stop once I get back to my healthy weight. What if food takes over my mind again and I just keep gaining. I'll go for a day or two staying full on liquids, then I'll make myself eat because I know I have to eat, then I feel guilty for eating and will go back to liquids and back and forth. I feel stuck in between the two places.

For the first time since my surgery, food is ruling my mind again. I think about it constantly, should I eat, should I not eat, can I be "normal" and put on the few pounds I need to, or will I fail and gain a lot of weight bac****ep telling myself to knock it off, but that's not really helping. I hid the scale for a few days, but my husband said that was stupid and that if I'm not sneaking food, that from what he sees I'm eating healthy still so he'd feel better knowing the scale's there and that I'm making sure I don't get obsessive about food again.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it through my checkup Monday without crying if Dr. Hunter says he's proud of me. He told me last year that between years 3-5 is when lots of people start having trouble, so if I felt like I was starting to have trouble, to tell him and he'd help. But right now I feel like if I tell him about this on Monday, he won't be so proud of me anymore and having him be proud of me is so important to me.

But I don't have anyone else to talk to. My husband says he's scared I'm starting to obsess over food and that I'm going to end up gaining all my weight back. Three of our friends had the RNY and they've all gained their inital weight plus more back - which was why he didn't want me to have the surgery in the first place - he said he felt like if I couldn't stick to a diet, he wasn't sure I could maintain a weight loss even with the surgery. And now he's thinking he was right because I'm having trouble right now.  My mom and sister just tell me I look sick and to put some weight back on, and when I try to talk to them about how I'm feeling, they tell me to get over it, and say that at least I don't have to constantly struggle with my weight all the time like they do.

I came right out of RNY surgery expecting to have to deal with food issues, but instead I woke up without having a doubt and my mind was totally in the game and I"ve done great until recently, so not sure where this is coming from. I don't know if this is normal at this point in time to start doubting myself and picking apart every feeling I have about eating and food, and this will pass and I'll get my head back in the game.  Or if I'm just being an idiot right now. 

So, that's about it. Now I'm going to lurk around on the site and read other people's posts and see if that makes me feel better. Sometimes that helps!

I can relate to your post.  I am in a similiar situation as I've lost additional weight this year from a divorce and my Dad is very ill so food just hasn't appealed to me.  I KNOW I am too small and need to put on a few lbs but like you the thought of doing it scares the heck out of me.  I wish I could offer you advice on how to deal with it, but being in the same situation I don't have answers.  Hopefully someone else will give us a bit of advice to help us both.

 How much do you want to weigh?

I weigh myself twice a week with a goal of 195 +/- 5.  I've seen numbers like 201 and think: if it's like this on Thursday, we need to make adjustments.  Often, it's back under 200.  Last time I weighed myself it was 197 so all is well.

If you gain 3 pounds overnight: ask yourself, Did I eat 9000 calories recently?  True weight will not move that quickly: water and, um, poop on the hand does.

Thank you! It's good to know I'm not the only one feelng this way.  I'd like to get back to the 155-160 range and that's just under the range my surgeon is happy with, so that would work.  Right now I'm hovering around 140-143 and freaking out if I see a 145.

LOL - nope I know I haven't eaten 9,000 calories in a day, so I'll go with the water/poop thing.

I'm taking a really deep breath right now, have decided I'm going to let me surgeon know how I'm feeling when I see him in the morning and start working on getting my head back in my happy place, knowing I can gain a little and stay in control so I can stop when I get where I want to be and get back to my "normal" I've been able to handle for over three years now.

This is just a little blip and I can do this!

 So - How did the Doctor's visit go?    I hope you were able to be honest with him and I hope that he offered the support that you needed to hear. 

As I read your post I noticed that you focused a lot on what other people think of you... your Doctor,  your sister, mom - the husband that appears to be waiting for you to fail. 

My wish for you is that you will recognize how how truly amazingly successful you have been.   You did this.   You could do it again if you accidentally lost track and put on a few pounds.   It won't happen in one day - so you could put away the scale and just bring it out once a week.     And success is measured in a lot of ways - not just via a scale. 

I encourage you to find a way to be proud of yourself regardless of what others think.  To know that you are in control of  your life - regardless of whether others think you've "got this".    Maybe you could benefit from some counseling, or just some self-reflection, but it's really hard on a person's self-esteem if you let others define your success. 

Best Wishes! 
Jody 

The doctor's visit went fine. I had to be honest with him - as soon as he walked in and said how great I looked and how proud he was of me maintaining (and losing 14 more pounds), I lost it and started crying like a big baby.  He suggested I let him refer me to a counselor to talk to for a little bit.

He recognized the same things you did - I'm thinking so much of what everyone else thinks, that I'm not even thinking of how I feel, what I've accomplished and that I should be more proud of myself than he is, since I should care more about what I think of myself and not worrying what other's think.

Thank you, Jody, for reinforcing in my mind what my doc said, too - that I do need to try some counseling and get some help realizing it's not selfish for me to be happy for myself and not let what others think be my primary concern. 

THANK YOU!

I am 4.5 years out and can totally relate.  I recently gained 5 pounds, I know why I gained it  and am doing what I need to do to lose it again.  But I am totally obsessed with the scale and what I am eating.  My friends all say 5 pounds is no big deal, but they have never been 135 punds overweight.

I am just calming down, weighing myself once a day and packing all  my own food again.  I started a new job as a mobile therapist about 6 months ago, and I realize that being in the car all day caused me to get back into the fast food way more than I can afford to.  So I gained some weight. But I realize that I can't freak out over it because that stresses me and I just eat more.  I am boiling eggs for my luch as we speak, have my greek yogurt and cheese sticks ready to go and am going to blow past the golden arches from now on.

I think that I will be ok.  So will you.

i'm 4 years out today and in the last 3 months have worked down another 20lbs weight loss, but it's true it never seems far enough away from where you started. I had a half glass of red wine tonight to celebrate and i'm already wondering how that will affect the scale tomorrow. But at the same time i know i'm overall making decisions that will work in my favor. I haven't gotten down to my goal, but  in the end, it's how you feel not the numbers always right? I find pictures can be an amazing wake up call. I went away recently and i looked at pictures someone else had taken and compared them to ones 20-30lbs ago and it made me see that i'm NOT the same person, and one glass of wine isn't going to make me 150lbs heavier by tomorrow.  We all know why we regain, and we all know what we can do to stop it. Everyone fluctuates and everyone indulges, just because we've had surgery doesn't make us superhuman and doesn't mean we're not allowed to make mistakes. The goal is to recognize when we're falling into bad habits and not let them run away with us, and making it 4 years and being under goal does not put you into that category.