Should be.

I should be jumping for joy.  I should be rejoicing in the wonderful life I have.  I should be happy.  But today, one and a half hours into the third anniversary of my bypass I am not happy.  I'm not sad either, I'm just blank.  I'm disappointed.  Is that a better word?

I'm upset that I'm still obese, I've never seen a one at the beginning of my weight.  Two hundred has always been the first two words since a year post op.  I'm jealous of many for a minute and then rejoice in their accompliments, but I still can't shake the shame.

I had my plastic surgery already.  My pannus was removed... the doctor took 15 pounds off and I saw 210 on the scale all of two weeks, now its back up up up.  I still have skin.  My tummy tuck wasn't cute and easy like others, my body decided to have excess rolls of fat all over and I'm stll stuck with side skin- 2 on one side and 1 on the other.  It wouldn't be so bad if it just looked like a muffin top and not part of my back skin.  But then I wonder why am I complaining?  I can move again.  The skin isn't in my way, I'm hygenic, I can dance, I can walk.  And still I'm ashamed.

It took me two and half years to get into therapy.  I started seeing the school therapist for my crazy body dysmorphia.  No matter what I have on, I still see the skin... my new years dress?  Took all the guts in the world to go out that night, sequins show everything don't you know. I have such major head issues, my doc and I have yet to cover the dysmorphia... turns out I have too high of expectations for myself and people, set myself up for failure and other things that don't help a girl love herself.

I'm watching Oprah's show about her weight right now.  Yes I agree with everything everyone says... but geeze how in the world does one really love themselves?   Carnie says it isn't about the weight or the scale... but I was nothing more than to 199 instead of the 221 I saw this morning.

Shouldn't I be amazed at how I went from a ballooned 393 pounds to 221?  I was smaller once... why can't I still be happy I no longer am four hundred pounds?  I can move.  I can show livestock like I've never shown them before and for all of this I'm still upset?  Makes no sense to me.

I want to look in the mirror and appreciate what I've been through.  Appreciate the lessons learned.  Love me for me.  Drop the evil past- the past of hellish kids, mean girls, ******* men and evil employers.  They don't own me, and yet they still have that grip.

My goal for the new year is to love me.  To put me first.  To appreciate the capabilities of my body.  I can't rely on others to make me happy.  I have to do that for me.

I know I'm generally a happy go luck poster... and normally I am!  Today is just a gloomy day and I'm sure I'll be back to normal soon.  Thanks for reading.

What a great goal Jaci --I love it.  " My goal for the new year is to love me.  To put me first.  To appreciate the capabilities of my body.  I can't rely on others to make me happy.  I have to do that for me."

I also, I worry that my weightloss will just stop and I will never see those 1's either.   Sometimes I feel vain for thinking that way or that I am cutting myself short, so I try to focus on what I need to do today--because I can't worry about the future or the past.

Great post, and keep your head up!!!~ Leslie

 *hugs*

I know exactly how you feel.  I think everyone has these issues, no matter what weight they are and personally I think it's worse when you are obese to begin with.  I know I'm my own worst critic, even when people give me compliments, I can still bring myself down just by looking at myself in the mirror.  

Whenever I worry about not reaching my goal or not thinking I am where I should be in my weight loss, my husband tells me not to worry about things that don't exist yet.  It's so true.  I'm so worried about things that may happen, I forget to look around and see all the things that have happened.  I also tend to be a people pleaser and, like you, don't put myself first. 

I think your accomplishments with your weight loss and plastic surgery is astonishing.  Just to even make the decision to do it all is huge.  The only thing I can say is congratulations to you.  

I hope your day will be a little brighter as it goes along! 

~Emily~

Hi Jaci,

I know a little about how you feel. I'm not that far into this, but I lose weight slower than others even though I work my butt off. That really is true. However, I make bad choices more than I would like because I have head issues. I think I am moderately depressed and don't realize it. The only way I know that is because when I have a really happy moment, I don't give a crap about food, but generally I do. I look for reinforcement from others- that's what makes me happy. Unfortunately, the 99% of the time that I don't, I guess maybe it makes me sad.

Anyway, I saw the same show. I 100% beleive that the secret is to love yourself more than anyone else can. If only there were directions on how to do that. Knowing is the first step though, and for the last couple days, I've made it a point to wake up and think about this. I think we can do it, and I think you are amazingly successful and beautiful.

Congrats on your self awareness and your desire to change your outlook.

Kat

Look how far you have come!  All the way from almost 400 pounds, thats amazing!!   Personally, I think you look great and should be very proud of all you have accomplished, but I know how hard body dismorphia is!  Before surgery I would look at myself and see a much smaller person that I was.  Honestly, didnt see it until after surgery and now looking back at older photos.  So in that way I had a bit of reverse body dismorphia.  We are our own worst critic.  I dont know of one woman that looks in the mirror and loves what they see, we always seem to find the littlest things wrong with us.  I'm glad to hear u are seeing a therapist, that has helped me tremendously over the past few years and as far as I've come in 2.5 years, I still have a long way to go!  

Know that we are always here for you and I am personally in awe of all you have accomplished!  Happy Surgiversary!!!!!

Hey girlie,
I know that stuff might feel bad right now but, think of all you acommpished. I did the math and you lost like 172 pounds!!! :) How awesome is that? Not to mention you are a gourgeous girl. You just need to think of where you were and where you are now!
Carmen

I have found for me that if I am waiting on a certain number on the scale or a certain size in pants to make me happy, it is never going to happen. You are setting yourself up for a disappointment, because there is always a lower weight or a smaller size! For me I have to focus on how healthy I am. Am I exercising? Am I making healthy choices about which food to put in my mouth? Am I trying to give my body nourishment, instead of trying to feed my emotions? This is what I am focusing on. Good luck, this year is going to be good for you!

I'm really sorry you are struggling hun....I know how you feel...what usually helps me when I feel that way (which is most of the time)...is looking at pictures of me right before surgery...then I can actually see the positive changes I have made.  I think sometimes we forget how we were before and just focus on the negatives of now...not how far we have actually come.  I've been thinking about putting a picture of me pre-op hanging in my bathroom so I can look at it every day and see the accomplishments made thus far and try not to focus on my crazy body issues I'm dealing with now.  Something else that has helped me is hiding my scale...I don't even remember the last time I weighed myself because every time I would I would just get depressed because I would be the same weight, if not more.  Stay away from the scale!  

Sorry again you aren't feeling good today...just think about all the positive things!!!!  You have come so far and look great!

Also...you totally should drive the 2 hours for my body image workshop!!!!  I think I might talk to my teacher about having it all in one day now instead of 3 different sessions, because I think more people would be able to attend if it was just an all day workshop.  I will keep you posted for sure!!!  It would probably be a Saturday or a Sunday....and it's FREE!!!!  :)

Happy Surgiversary girl!

hey girl, i CONGRATS FOR YOUR ANIVERSARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  know its hard. but we have to deal with self image issues. i steel feel really fat!. and i hate to see people here in my home town. who had rny 1 year ago and they are beyond skini, i wi**** was me!!!  i knw its no fair. but its worse to be like we used to soo its good thing as you said.
but look at your old photos and try your old cloth it helps alot. and sometimes its better to vent.
see ya around
hugs!!!
mariana

I am new to the site and honestly I look up to your accomplishment and salute you for all your hard work!  I hope you see all the positive that you  have come to accomplish and see that and learn to love yourself again!!


I saw your myspace and tried adding you on there!  You are truly a beautiful girl and keep your head up and keep on trucking!


Cyn