kimberly S.

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So - today I weighed in at 185. That puts me officially into the overweight category and no longer any type of Obese category.   I am so excited since the last time this happened was about 20 years ago.  i fit comfortably into a size 14 bottoms M/L shirts depending on the cut and have more energy than i have had in ages.  I have 40 lbs until goal, hopefully I will see single digit clothing but I am really okay if I do not, this was never about getting skinny, this was about getting healthy.   

So, I am currently almost 4 months out.  I was at 205 this morning.   So, by the time December 9th rolls around I should be own 60 lbs  and half way to my goal.  I did end up owing a ton of money for this surgery, so I am going to make sure that I make the most of it.  I can almost not believe it when i look in the mirror or when I try on the size 16 jeans that I bought last month that are now getting baggy.  I do not have any pain in my knees anymore which is such a blessing, the arthritis in my hip now only flares up when the weather changes.  I also had my blood work done and my blood sugar was 86, right in the normal range.  I am happy with my progress and happy with the changes that are taking place.  I do get a little hungry now, but try to eat healthy things.  My hair is falling out like crazy and I wonder how long I can go on before I start to see the top of my head!  Yikes.  Anyhow, things are going good, life is good. 

Well, I am about 6 weeks post op and have lost 35 pounds.  Pretty amazing.  I got the bill from the hospital and yikes insurance did not tell me that there was a cap on my benefit so the surgery is going to end up costing me about $18k.  Not sure how we are going to pay for this, but I suppose we will manage somehow. 

So today I went to meet my co-workers at lunch.  The regions where I work have been re-structured and I got a new boss (old boss was demoted to Finance Manager from Director) and I feel really sad now.  I miss how things used to be!  I am so conflicted right now on if I should look for a new job (working from home is making me batty) or if I shouuld ride it out and see how things turn out.  

I guess another thing that is bothering me is that I told only a few people about my sugery, but everybody knows, including the bosses wife.  She was the last person I wanted to know because she will not let things go.  It is all she wants to talk about and I find it incredibly rude.  I do not want to talk about my surgery and how much I have lost (I always felt weight related topics to be extremely personal and the person to bring them up exceptionally rude), and what I can eat, etc,  I had to steer the conversation away from this many times and she still did not take the hint.  So, just a bit down this day, but tomorrow ill be better.

So, one week after being released from the hospital all is well and I feel good.  I am a little tired, but back to work yesterday.  I hope my energy level increases as I increase my calorie intake.  I am pretty tired right now, but I am currently working on a protein drink so hopefully that will help.  I think I will also try to incorporate my vitamins again today.   They were giving me horrible indigestion on the liquid diet, so maybe they will be better with a protein drink in me.  I have several samples that I just cannot tolerate but finally found that the Premier Protein drink from Costco tastes pretty good and I do not feel ill after drinking it.  All and all, not much pain, just been recovering. 

Well, I went in on Tuesday (a little nervous) and was done before I knew it.  They did have to try three times to get an IV start and I lost 10 poinds on the 3 day liquid diet (much to my surprise).  Boy the three day diet was awful!  Anyhow, Dr Metz said that my liver looked amazing and it all went just fine.  I got up out of that bed as soon as I could think straight and began walking the halls.  I walked so much that I was released a day early.  Glad I am home too.  I have been walking around here to relieve the gas pressue.  So, a little worried that I did this, still kind of strange rearraning my guts, but hopefully it will all work out.  Anyhow, very little pain other than the discomfort of the gas, and have not taken any of the pain meds he sent me home with.   

I am a little nervous but not overly.  I have a very competent surgeon and have been preparing for this day for months.  I have completed the three day liquid diet that he requires and while not the most enjoyable three days of my life, I survived.  My husband feels really confident that everything will be just fine.  He has been instrumental in keeping my sanity the last few days.  The girls are fine, I need to comfort Ashley because she is still rather young, but she will be fine.  I am anxious to begin this new journey.  I want to live pain free and to not have limitations.  So, I will update when I get home.

So, this has been a roller coaster last week and half at work.  The company I work for re-structured the divisions and that meant layoffs.  While I was not one of them, I do have extreme survivors guilt.  Several of my co-workers whom I consider dear friends and family, lost their jobs.  There has been a lot of crying and emotional turmoil going on in the office.  I have desperately been trying to not stress/emotional eat because I know that I will not be able to do this (or shouldn't do this) after surgery.  It has been hard to say the least.  

One of the things that they are doing to restructure the divisions is to close our regional office and move us home.  I will officially be a telecommuter as soon as I finish with July month end close and return from my surgery.  I am so conflicted about this for several reasons.  First, there will be limited social interaction and I worry about that.  I worry that I will eat from boredom and have been trying to think of things I can do to break up the day, i.e. exercise videos, taking walks when it isn't freezing outside etc.  This is not going to be easy and I am going to have to be extra vigilant to make sure I don't have my weakness foods in the house.  Second, I am actually happy that I do not have to have people watching my every move when it comes to food, but then again am worried that this will let me slide (lack of accountability?).  I will have to be extra careful about this as well.  Lastly, at least I won't have to buy two sets of clothing on my way down the scale so this is a plus, I guess.  

Anyhow, I am just sad this week.  It has been a difficult week all around.  Sigh.

So the burning in my feet this week has just been terrible .  They tingle and BURN!  I really hope this goes away after this surgery.  As the days pass, I am welcoming this surgery more and more.  To not be in pain would be a godsend!  To not have burning feet would also be a major plus! 

Anyhow, my pre-op visit with the dr. is on the 27th this month (I need to double check my calendar at work), and taking the hubby along so he can have his questions answered as well.  I believe I will be just fine, I have been modifying my diet for a couple of months now, doing my breathing exercises, taking vitamins and I think we are going to just bite the bullet and buy the stationary bike at Costco so I can exercise without killing my feet and hips!

 

This post is mainly a way for me to remember once my journey is in process and when I look back that  I have not forgotten how it feels now nor where I have come from.

My beloved Aunt Rene died two weeks ago.  It was sudden and tragic.  She had early onset Alzheimer's and was going to the bathroom and mistook the basement door for the bathroom door and walked in expecting solid ground but instead found stairs.  I wanted to go to her funeral desperately since she was indeed the favorite of my fathers sisters and her passing was painful for the entire family.  However, as the day approached, I began having the self doubt issues, the horrible insecurity of hurts from the past from my father's other sisters and realized ~  I NEED to get past these things.  Some of these people were truly horrible to me in the past due to my weight (they said I was fat when I had just had a baby and was at 175 lbs, stupid, ignorant people).  But the comments hurt, and the shame has followed me all these years and has made me not want to participate in any family gatherings for fear of having to be subjected to this again.  But, what I have come to realize is even though their outer shell may reflect a smaller person, their inner core is ugly.  I have always wondered why someone would say such horrible things to another person, when I would never say anything that awful to anybody?  I don't know, but it is something I need to let go so I can be successful in this journey.  I do not want to be spiteful nor do I wish to carry this hurt any longer.  I deeply regret not honoring my Aunt Rene's life by attending her memorial and it is something that I will not allow to happen in the future, I know that who I am inside is far better than their outer shell, so I am going to make a point of showing up to family gatherings.

Next, I am finally becoming more comfortable with who I am.  I know that this sounds funny to some, but it is true.  I have become more outspoken to people who offend me and I find that it is rather liberating.  Now, i would never call anybody a bitch or anything unless they have truly earned that title, but if someone - and this is mainly family - offend me by their remarks or narrow minded viewpoints, I am going to say something.  I find it appalling that they think that they can say things about people and not offend anybody, and that it is OK.  Maybe other people are offended but are too afraid to speak out, but I am through tiptoeing around them and will let them know I am offended.  

I am excited to begin this journey, not because I am desiring to be skinny or thin, but because I excited about being able to live again, have more self confidence and getting out there and enjoying life.  This is about getting healthy and participating instead of watching from the sidelines!


So - rules for the present and the future:
1.  Treat everyone with kindness and compassion until they have earned to be treated otherwise.
2.  Reserve judgment, there is no way of knowing the trials and tribulations in other peoples lives
3.  Give yourself a break.  This is to myself - GIVE YOURSELF  A BREAK! and apply number 1 & 2 to yourself as well.

Today I made sure I watched for my full signals when eating.  Trying to work on slowing my eating down, this is probably one of my biggest concerns about chewing my food properly after surgery, so I figure getting used to this cannot hurt.   Also, went for a 2 mile walk with Al & Ashley and as an added treat we took Coco with us.  She was so happy about going for a walk she gave me a big old puppy kiss.  Silly dog.  Anyhow, I am going to try to walk every day to surgery date, continue drinking protein shakes or eat my yogurt for breakfast as prep for this journey.  I think eating like for another month will be very good for my mental preparation and if I can handle it I will substitute lunch with a protein drink as well.