One Year

Oct 04, 2011

It really has been a year already?  So many things have happened, some good and some bad.  Life definitely goes on.  I handled my MILs broken arm and the stresses it caused without gaining weight.  But for the last three months I have gone up and down the same 4 pounds. Twice I went below 200.  Then I would eat more carbs and go over 200 again.  Obviously struggling with the concept that I CAN do this.

But this week's crisis put me over the edge.  We took Jessica back in three months ago (yes, same time I started fighting the weight loss).  AT 21 she was homeless, off her meds and desperate.  Even though we thought we knew the risks o taking her in, we accepted her mental illness and decided to give it a chance so she would have a chance.

What fools we were.  We believed she was doing everything we asked of her.  Applying to go back to school, looking for a job, trying to reinstate her medicaid, taking her meds, getting a therapist.....

Surprise, surprise NONE of it was true. NONE of it. Lies, Lies, Lies and more Lies.  And she was stealing from us.  I think she is aware of everything she is doing, but I'm not sure.  It doesn't matter anymore.  I promised myself that my marriage comes first and that if it had to be a choice between her health or mine, this time I would choose mine.

My heart is crushed because even though I know I did everything a mother can do for her, it wasn't enough.. She just isn't ready, or doesn't want to get healthy.  And if she doesn't want it, it won't happen.  So yesterday, when she showed up after disappearing the night before, I gave her a suitcase of her clothes and told her she could no longer stay here.  I said that knowing that she had no where else to go and would literally be on the street.  She didn't even take her medicine with her so there is a good chance she will wind up Baker Acted or arrested soon.  I did it anyway.  I would do it again.  I know it was the right thing to do.  But it still hurts like hell and I feel like I am in mourning.  I guess I am since any chance of a relationship with her is dead and unless God watches over her, she will be too.

So I start again and try to move forward. Because that is what life is.  Wish me luck.  I sure as hell need it.

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