Dani_plussome

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Last night I went to my sleep study, one more check off my list. It was very interesting to say the least. The tech who help me was very nice and very chatty. He was asking me why the doctors had sent me on a study. Did I think I had sleep apnea? So, I paused did I really want to explain to this tech that I was having weight loss surgery eventually. Screw it I promised myself I would be more open about my weight with people.

 So I explained to him that no I don’t think I have sleep apnea but that I was thinking about having bariatric surgery in a the next 3-4 months. Then I rambled that I hadn’t decided 100% but want to do everything so that when I did make that decision then I had all my ducks in a row. Then he seriously asked me the dreaded question HAVE YOU TRIED OTHER OPTIONS TO LOSE WEIGHT? I want to cry. I didn’t want to hear a rant on how he did this great boot camp and has lost all this weight and if I tried I to could lose all this weight. My face must have shown exactly how I felt. He starts to tell me that he wasn’t judging me, that he too had weight loss surgery year or so ago. He had the vertical sleeve and he had lost 100lbs at first then gained 50lbs back. That he wasn’t sure he do the sleeve again and wishes he had done rny. That he still had a poor relationship with food and how hard it is to change all your habits. That he promised himself that he would never be that person who lost all the weight just to gain it all back. After some question it seems he had lost some of the 50lbs back. There was a lot of thing going on in his life that were stressful. He grazed and ate all the time. At first I was very discouraged by what he said. That am I really going to go through all that work to have surgery then gain it back?

After thinking about it for a while and realized that his issues had a lot to do with his gain some of his weight back. That he had huge amount of stress and he still down at least 50lbs and look pretty good. That it going to be a struggle and that this is just a tool to help me loss the weight. A strong tool then diets and such but a tool non the less. Even though his experience wasn’t all butterflies and cake it was nice to talk to someone who had it done. That he went through this change and it is hard. That I wasn’t imaging that people treat you differently after your loss weight and it takes time to get used to. That it hard not to be mad when this treatment is better since you are the same person as before. Why is a smaller version of me better than the bigger version? I guess that is something I will come to terms with later in my journey. He also told me what a great website this was in keeping motivated. Thank you so much for all your amazing help.

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The idea of having surgery to lose weight is harder for me to deal with then I thought it would be. Being able to be a normal weight is finally within my reach. I should be higher than a kite. It means no more sideways glances every time that someone mentions weight. No more wondering if I should attempt to see if I fit into the seats at the rides at the fair. I should be more excited but more than anything I am scared. Scared to actually be thin, normal, not overweight or anything else that goes with it. I have been overweight for as long as I remember. I have been teased and called names, been treated as less than a person because I am fat. How will I be treated afterwards? Will it be different since people will wonder how I lost the weight? I know at this time I am not comfortable with telling people outside of my family that I am planning to have surgery. So when I start to drop weight what will be said. Will I be called lazy since I didn't work for it? Maybe if I would have actually tried to eat healthy it would have all came off. To somehow shed all the fat and to be healthy.

            I wrote this a few days ago trying to figure out why I felt a kind of excitement and dread when I thought about surgery. I realized I need to make myself okay with having surgery and to be educated on everything that could go on, be it right or wrong. That I need that dialog set up to have with people when those questions came in. How did you lose your weight? How did you lose it so fast? Did you have surgery? Today I talked to my best friend about my weight at lunch. We didn’t discuss weight loss surgery but that I can’t lose weight and I need help. That me Danielle need help and I was ready to admit that I can’t do this on my own. She didn’t really seem to have much to say about it and I am sure already suspects that surgery might be an option. But with her I am scared of her opinion if it is negative. I want her support more than anyone else. More than my grandparent, sisters or husbands. To me she the person who has always had her head on her shoulders. She is the only person who not family that has always been there for me. I really want her to be there for me, I need her to be there for me. I just am not ready to come out and ask for that quite yet. I not sure at this early stage how I will feel if she is completely against it. Will it change my mind? Make me feel lazy and useless? It might, but instead of focusing on the bad let’s look at the good. Today I talked to someone about my weight. That I have an issue. One HUGE step forward for me. Here is to many more steps to come over the next few months!

Dani_Plussome

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