What I'm fat? You don't say

Oct 24, 2016

The idea of having surgery to lose weight is harder for me to deal with then I thought it would be. Being able to be a normal weight is finally within my reach. I should be higher than a kite. It means no more sideways glances every time that someone mentions weight. No more wondering if I should attempt to see if I fit into the seats at the rides at the fair. I should be more excited but more than anything I am scared. Scared to actually be thin, normal, not overweight or anything else that goes with it. I have been overweight for as long as I remember. I have been teased and called names, been treated as less than a person because I am fat. How will I be treated afterwards? Will it be different since people will wonder how I lost the weight? I know at this time I am not comfortable with telling people outside of my family that I am planning to have surgery. So when I start to drop weight what will be said. Will I be called lazy since I didn't work for it? Maybe if I would have actually tried to eat healthy it would have all came off. To somehow shed all the fat and to be healthy.

            I wrote this a few days ago trying to figure out why I felt a kind of excitement and dread when I thought about surgery. I realized I need to make myself okay with having surgery and to be educated on everything that could go on, be it right or wrong. That I need that dialog set up to have with people when those questions came in. How did you lose your weight? How did you lose it so fast? Did you have surgery? Today I talked to my best friend about my weight at lunch. We didn’t discuss weight loss surgery but that I can’t lose weight and I need help. That me Danielle need help and I was ready to admit that I can’t do this on my own. She didn’t really seem to have much to say about it and I am sure already suspects that surgery might be an option. But with her I am scared of her opinion if it is negative. I want her support more than anyone else. More than my grandparent, sisters or husbands. To me she the person who has always had her head on her shoulders. She is the only person who not family that has always been there for me. I really want her to be there for me, I need her to be there for me. I just am not ready to come out and ask for that quite yet. I not sure at this early stage how I will feel if she is completely against it. Will it change my mind? Make me feel lazy and useless? It might, but instead of focusing on the bad let’s look at the good. Today I talked to someone about my weight. That I have an issue. One HUGE step forward for me. Here is to many more steps to come over the next few months!

Dani_Plussome

CW:251

2 Comments