Gypsy Blossom

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Well.. I suck.  I said I'd be around and I haven't.

My show (Barefoot in the Park) opened on March 11 and is now a part of my history.  We closed on April 1 and it was a roller coaster ride from one end to the other.

Here are a few pictures of my actors on stage at a rehearsal:



This is the end of the first act when Velasco is about to head out the window in the Bratter's bedroom.  Corie and Paul are being invited by the flamboyant Velasco to a late night cocktail party in his attic apartment.


This was earlier in the same act -- Mother has dropped by (and up 6 long flights) to surprise the newlyweds on their first night in their new apartment -- with no furniture or anything.


This isn't actually any of the play -- they were in between rehearsal sections and the actors were joking around.  

I have a picture of our beautiful set being struck on Sunday but it's in my cell phone which is sitting at home on it's charger right now.  I'll post it later.

Anyway.. I cried the day we opened and I cried the day we closed.  I never expected it would be so emotional for me!  

I was also worried that Mike might not be able to come see the play.  He was so integral to my taking the gig and I was so proud of it, I really just wanted him to see it one time.  

Well he had bought a puppy who was undersocialized and needed someone with her.. she needed walks.. there was basically no chance of him being able to come down to Chicago to see my play.  

Then the puppy ran off.. after six days, we hadn't found her and he and I made plans for me to come up there for the weekend, and we would take the drive down on Sunday for closing and strike.. then drive back up to his place and I would come home the next morning.

Then the puppy came home!  HOORAY!!

And Mike and I STILL went to the closing of the show!!

I got the impression that he really didn't want to go.  He started to say he was feeling sick partway through the day on Saturday -- and I think he gets sick when he gets stressed about things.  But he toughed it out (what a trooper!!!) and we went to the show.  He said he really liked it.  He met all my little chickens (my actors) and the rest of the crew.. he was ultra patient while I was rushing around putting the unused or unworn costumes away and preparing what was worn and used for laundry and cleaners.  It took me about an hour.  We had some pizza with the strike crew and then I drove us home.

I'm still so proud of my work with this show.  It falls under the category of "didn't know I could until I tried."

I miss them.  The kids in the show.. the show itself.. it was a great run and I miss them.

Anyway, I also had quarter-end in the middle of all that.. so I was working lots of hours.  I got a raise *WOO* and am still working on some straggling projects but in all, I don't think I want to kill anyone today.

That's good!

So i survived another one -- for anyone who still reads this blog, yesterday was my birthday.  I'm learning a new trick -- putting kids first.  does it come natural when you give birth to them?  I think it must because it's hard as hell trying to train yourself to do it.  Anyone with ideas on how to react to things that bother you that doesn't involve "yelling/confrontation" or "crying and acting like a child" please post them.  I'm well practiced at both of those and neither of them appears to be the right way to deal with when I get upset or am bothered by things.  I need to learn the right way that doesn't piss everybody off and I can't imagine what that way is.

anyway.. I'm also costuming again.  I agreed to be the costume designer for Oak Park Village Players' production of Barefoot in the Park -- I'm freaking just a little.. I feel like I have nothing ready and costume parade is in a week.  I'm probably further along than I think I am.. but  at least I don't want to kill myself anynmore.  

I'm going to be a busy little blossom this week.  What.  Fun.

I'll post promo photos and a poster/postcard when I have them available and if I have them in picture formats.

Anyway, that's it.  I'm off again!
Stef

I had an interesting PM waiting for me on DCP this morning.  Liz sent me a note about a guy who I know only through the forums.

I won't lie and say I knew him any better than I did.  I barely knew him at all.  I knew he was a member of a select group of friends who all hung out and posted in response to each other's posts in the bored forum.  I knew he was a big guy -- really big.. definitely SMO.  He seemed like a quiet guy, though.. never seemed to have more than two words to say at any one time.. unless you were talking about his football team.  

Anyway, out of the blue last week, I got an email from a guy with whom I've had a spotted history.  We vascillate between friendly cordiality and mortal enemies. I don't think he's a bad guy, I just think he's a know it all and he annoys me most of the time.  I'm certain he feels the same way about me.

Well.. he wrote me the other night and told me he had read this blog.. and he was surprised at how open I had been about my journey.  That struck me in a weird way because I'm slowly becoming accustomed to hearing from other WLSers or people I've met here on OH that they find my story inspiring or that they appreciate my openness.  But to have someone from my "other" life say it is a little..  well.. strange.

What he wrote to tell me was that this man I was writing about originally on this thread had recently undergone RNY because his doctors recommended it to help him battle the MS he'd developed.

According to Jeff, Sean had been struggling with his immediate post-op recovery.  He asked me if I had any wisdom to share.. if I'd be willing to act as a resource.  Naturally I said yes.. and I offered to also be a sounding board for him or any of their friends who had questions -- if I didn't know the answer, I probably knew where to find it or somebody who did.. 

Well this morning, I logged onto DCP to find a message from Liz telling me Sean had died last night.

It's really sad.  Sean was my brother's age (40).  He is quite obviously well loved in the activity (drum corps).  Thread after thread of support and condolences for his family.  I don't think many people know the details -- I'm not sure his family even has the details yet.  I can only imagine what they must be going through.

Here's the interesting thing, though.  This news really hit me alongside the head.  Hard! Why?  I didn't know him outside of a few monosyllabic posts on a message board.  But it really hit me.

I've blogged a little bit about my struggles with my eating habits lately.  I'm still (and probably always will be) struggling with my old habits.  I broke a lot of them.  My tastes changed a lot.. but I still have some pretty bad habits going for me.  I still know how to eat.. and while I can't get a lot in at a time, I can still find a way to eat.  

I don't want to go back to that place.  I say to myself, "stop this.. change this NOW because it's only going to get harder."  I dont' want to wake up 100# from now and realize I let things get away from me.  In this way, I think I am still completely terrified.  I think I have it all figured out.  I think I have a handle on it.. then something like this addresses the very core of my terror.  it's like one of those snake lights with a mind of it's own that slithers in and around all the dark corners.. finds the terror I'm hiding and shines a bright light on it and won't let it run into the shadows.  So that's what's happening.

I'm still afraid I will fail.

I'm still afraid that I will die from my obesity.

I just want to be normal and deep down inside me, I'm still terrified that I am not and will never be in control of my disease.  I'm still paralyzed with fear that my disease controls me.

So what did Sean's passing give me? 

Resolve.  I had already planned to go to the gym tonight.. but instead of just going for a couple of turns around the treadmill.. I ran/walked for 45 minutes.  After that I checked out a class.. then after that I worked on some specific muscle groups on the nautilus machines.

I left feeling great.. but not on my usual endorphine high.  I really feel like this is something I'm going to have to keep my nose to the grindstone on.

I just wonder if this response is another way my disease is controlling me, though.

Who knows?

I mean, it did seem like I dropped off the face of the earth and all.

anyway, I'm fine, things are fine -- SO busy.  I was under the mistaken assumption that things would let up a bit after the first of the year but that was not the case.

I spent the holidays (three straight weekends!!) with Mike or with Mike and the kids.  I had a wonderful holiday.  Every day I wake up and I marvel at how happy I feel and then it occurs to me that I felt the happiest I ever felt yesterday and I thought I'd never be happier than I was then.. until today comes along and I'm happier yet. 

Is it neurotic to wonder if something's wrong with me because of that?  HA!!

Anyway, I have been stabilized between 250 and 260 for over a year now.  It's nobody's fault but mine.  I decided to take the Discovery Health Channel's 2007 Body Challenge.  I'm journalling my food intake and trying to get all my water and vits in while staying under 2000kcal/day.  It's harder than you may think!  I can't eat a lot at a time but my tolerance is very high and while I still dump, I don't dump enough to make a candy bar (at 400 calories in the space of 5 little bites) my mortal enemy.  I still have a sweet tooth.  Maybe I can find a dentist who knows which one it is and can pull it out for me.

I go to see Dr. Kane (finally) for my 2year (two and a HALF year by the time I get there) checkup.

I saw Dr. H yesterday for my yearly and he was very excited when I told him I decided to start running.  I told him I'd run my first 5K last year and then also told him that I'd had my gall bladder taken out (I hadn't seen him since well before May).  It was a little bit comical.. "oh yeah, by the way, I had my gall bladder taken out, too"  "OH REALLY?!"

I wish I had a picture of his face when I told him.. it would make a great ORLY picture.. 

anyway, that's it for now.  I'm running behind to get to work (as usual) and have a lot to do when I get there.. 

talk soon (hopefully!)
Stef

Okay..  work has been busy but quiet.. my kindergarten kid has kept pretty much to herself this week.. fine by me.  We're still busy.. omg, I don't even think "busy" covers it.. but we're coming up on the end of quarter/end of year... just feels like we're never going to get it all done.. and if I feel that way about it, I can't imagine how the other leads are feeling.  I've got only 10 or 15 contracts left to rebuild.. they have more than 30 each.. I'm working late every night just to keep my head above water.

I did have a kind of a funny conversation with one of my co-workers yesterday.. this is the same woman who tried to tell me that using the phrase "I hate to bare bad news" was common and accurate.. even after I explained what common usage was and that the term "bare" -- while technically accurate, as in "to unclothe" -- just wasn't the correct usage.  But she argued that with me for 45 minutes until I finally just said, "you know what..  sure.  Say it how you want."  And I finally had to stop caring how our boss was going to react to improper grammar usage in an email that was sent to management. 

N
E
WAY

So she came over to ask me how the birthday thing went for our CEO and she asked me about the voice type I am.. the conversation was about voice.  About singing.  The one thing I am so confidently educated on I don't even bother to look things up anymore.  Well she proceeded to tell me that she was a tenor.

I tried gently to point out that the female voice is categorized in levels as soprano.. by degrees .. or fachs.. which basically means that every woman is some kind of soprano.  "well why would everyone who's ever taught me tell me I'm a tenor?" 

Well I don't know why.. I can't imagine any educated music teacher telling any woman that her VOICE was anything other than a version of SOPRANO.  

When you're in the choir, you may sing a low part.. and a part of a musical composition that is called soprano/alto/tenor/bass but that's not your voice that's just the part you're singing.

I tried gently to explain to this woman that,, based on my experience and based on what I've observed of other singers, she was likely a mezzo-soprano.. her bone structure, the resonance in her speaking tones..

"Oh, no I can't sing up high"

Well, no.. no one can just sing up high if all they've ever sung is down low.. you have to train and stretch the muscles that control the voice.. 

"I've been trained.. they all said I'm a tenor.."

*pause*




*pause*



*incredulous look*

*pause*

Okay then.  You're a tenor.

whatever.

The birthday thing was cool.  Our CEO was so moved he actually couldn't speak.  It was really emotional.

Bill (the guy who owns the victorian caroling group I'm in) called me today and asked if I could take four gigs this weekend..  tomorrow, Friday, Saturday at a country club in Naperville.. then Sunday night 5 - 8PM at Lawry's...  Dang I really wanted to work at Lawry's this year... figures the only chance I'd get would be on Christmas Eve when I really want to be with Mike.  So I'm taking the Thursday/Friday gigs.. and passing on the other two.

Anyway.. that's the latest and greatest. 

There are times when even I am surprised with how gradeschool-like my department is.

last night, I was sitting at my desk, working away to keep 'the man" happy.  I sit in the center of a six-pack (cube six) and another of our four leads sits kitty-corner from me at the top of the same six. 

I don't think I try to listen to what's going on around me.. but you always keep one ear open in case a question comes up you might be able to help with.  Everybody around does it.. it's just a normal part of being on a team like this.

So one of the other women in our department comes over to Asmi's desk (asmi is the other lead) and she's yackety-schmackety about something I can't tell.. everything and nothing.. a little brown-nosing.. 

A little background about this woman.. she's probably in her late 40s or early 50s.. she's very much a loner (by her own hand.. she keeps people at arms length with an abrasive personality and a suffocating chain smoking habit).  On more than one occasion, she has treated Asmi with great disrespect when asked to do something.. and I've had run-ins with her on occasions when she's decided she was not required to do things the way our own management had determined and went around management to get some other authorization to do what she wanted to do in the first place.. then went around undermining management with her "new directive" from someone who doesn't even manage our department.  needless to say, she doesn't like me much and generally does not cross my path unless she absolutely must.  I think it's because I stand up to her and she can't bulldoze me.

Anyway.. she's talking and talking.. blahdiblahblah.. THEN I hear her say my name.  She says something about how last quarter when I was on YTO during rebuild time how much smoother things seemed to go without me here.. 

now..  I'm sitting there with my radio on.. and I'm typing away.. and I'm thinking, "does she not know that I'm over here?"  

But she keeps going..   yackety-schmackety..  on and on implying ever so cleverly about how much better the department runs without me there.. and I thought about coughing or making some other noise to let her know I was over there..  but I didn't want to let her off so easily.. so I finally just stood up and I looked directly at her while she was talking.

It took every ounce of control I have in my body to keep from laughing at her response.

She was in mid sentence.. and as she noticed the movement.. then realized that no only was it me, but I was looking directly at her acknowledging that I'd basically heard the entire conversation..  the grin literally fell from her mouth.. and the color drained from her face. 

What had been a rambling, no-end-in-sight diatribe quickly ended and she scurried back under her rock silently.. said nothing to anyone and left for the day soon afterwards.

I don't know if the best part was watching her response or the fact that i didn't have to say a single word.  Just appearing, making silent contact, was enough to send her skittering away like the cockroach she has proved herself to be.

I sent a communicator message to one of the other leads who laughed so hard I could hear her from four aisles away.  The last lead was just getting the story when I came by for a piece of chocolate and I literally had to fall on the floor to keep from busting out laughing.

The moral of the story:  Sometimes Kindergarten Cop doesn't have to say a word or make a sound to get her point across.

That made my day.

so today I'm busily working my fingers to the bone.. getting my ass positively kicked at work.. my first year-end in the department and while the world is busy crumbling around me and the floor is busy trembling beneath me, my phone rings innocently.

I look down and recognize the name calling -- it's Debbie.. a lady I know but who also happens to be the CEO's exec assistant.  i figured she's calling me about some thing she's planning to surprise Janice - my former supervisor who sits catty-corner from me in the cubicle farm.. 

so anyway.. I pick up and greet her with my usual, "don't you have the wrong number?" joke.. we laugh.. exchange pleasantries.. and she wastes no time:  "what are you doing on Tuesday?"  

"other than getting my ass kicked by rebuilds, nothing, why?"  

"well, are you too busy to come over to the Naperville building for about an hour or so?"

"not that I'm aware of.. why?  What's up?"

Well.. I'll spare you the most mundane details but turns out our CEO, Sam Duncan, is turning 55 next week.. and Debbie is busily orchestrating a surprise party for him.  

A little background:  today our company hosted a holiday luncheon in both buildings.. and while ours (in the dungeon of Bryn Mawr) was just a long line for lunch and a few giveaways.. the one in Naperville was a fun-filled party that included a serenade by Jerry.. our security chief.. who's also one of the other performers from our City of Hope event back in October of 2004 (pre-surgery.. I wrote about it back then, you can see it in the archives).  

Jerry is a true Irish Tenor..  he's got a gorgeous voice and he's a tremendous joy to sing with..  anyway.. they had asked him to sing "O Holy Night" after which our CEO was reported to be crying.  

Debbie (God love her) took this opportunity to point out to Sam (who wasn't with the company when we did City of Hope) that he just "hasn't heard anything until he's heard Jerry sing" with me.

Literally, my jaw dropped.  

Basically, Debbie was calling to arrange for jerry and me to sing at Sam's surprise birthday party.

I was so humbled and honored and of course i accepted.

What a wonderful opportunity.. and TWICE I've had an opportunity to be heard where I've never been heard.. BOTH TIMES it's come from the unlikely source of OfficeMax.

imagine my surprise.

So.. the concert was a success.. and not only that, but I had an experience while singing this Sunday that I've never had before.

See.. this aria is one of the ones I truly love with all my performer's heart.  I've been singing it for the better part of 10 years.. but after shelving it for the last few, we took it out and dusted it off for this concert.  It was the first aria I sang after having my tonsils out in 1998.  It was the english aria I used in competitions and Master Classes I attended in San Diego.. it's one of those arias that just grabbed me the very first time I read through it... and it's never let go.  I feel like it's really mine.  The concensus among my opera friends is that the opera it comes from is a real snore.. but this aria makes the whole thing worth sitting through so it's easy to see why it reached me like it did.

So.. I felt really prepared today.. I wasn't nervous and didn't have my normal shaking and sweating problems.. I started singing and really felt solid.. I was totally focused on my technique and didn't let my emotions get away from me.

About halfway through the aria.. I suddenly felt almost hyper-aware.. it felt like i was in slow motion.  or that I could look, listen and think completely objectively (this sounds really vague coming out of my fingers but stick with me.. I promise I have a point).  It was then that I was also suddenly aware that the audience belonged to me.  I remember thinking to myself, "I have these people in the palm of my hand... and I can make them wait for this payoff..."  so it felt comfortable drawing pauses out.. making dramatic choices without getting too over the top..  and maybe I imagined this but I felt like each time I drew a pause out.. people leaned in.. 

They were in the palm of my hand.  

I liked it.

A lot.

I want some more of that.

I have been preparing for a concert coming up this Sunday.  

I don't talk much about my singing, not so much because I don't want to.. or don't have anything to say -- but I guess it's so much a part of my every single day, I just presume everybody who reads or knows me just automatically knows how important and integral it is to me.

But then sometimes I get the distinct impression that the people closest to me.. the ones I expect to understand this the most.. seem to understand it the least.  I hear things like, "what are you getting back for what you put into it?"  .. as if it's quantifiable in terms of money or success..  sure that's part of it  but it's not the end all, be all.. I have to believe that most people who have a passion strive to make their passion central to how they support themvselves.. in a way, I think it must add to the satisfaction you gather from your passion if you can turn it into your living.. but I doubt NOT living gainfully from the fruits of your passion diminishes your passion for it in any way.

but that's the surprise.  You don't know the truth.. you don't know that finding a way to make your passion your living wouldn't end up souring your passion irrevocably.  you don't know.  Not until you get there -- and by then, it may be too late.  You could lose all of what you love about it.. or you could stand to gain all of that ten-fold.  You just don't know.

The small tastes I've had of using my voice to generate income have all led me to believe that my passion won't be soured by becoming profitable.  And I'm not talking about singing weddings and funerals.. those are fine.. it's a service you offer.. but still it's not exactly what I would want to depend upon for my livlihood... not to mention brides and mourning relatives are numbers one and two on my "people I don't deal well with more often than 4 or 5 times a year" list.  I find I enjoy performing more than almost anything else I do.. touching people through my voice gives me so much, you can't imagine.  Just Sunday night, I reduced a woman to tears from singing one song.  One.  Song.  Don't get me wrong.. it's not my aim to generate tears but it IS my aim to touch people.  I touched that woman deeply enough to bring tears to her eyes.  Who else gets that?  if I get that twice a year, I'm happy..  but if I had the CHANCE to get that every day?  oh man.. that would be a dream.

So with all that swirling around in my cranium... I'm still preparing for this lousy concert.  It's not even lousy.. it's only lousy because I've only given my voice teacher enough confidence in me to "promote me" from singing a duet and NO solo.. to singing ONE aria.  Granted, it's kind of long.. and I LOVE IT.. but it's one.   Other singers in this group are singing two pieces.. and then a duet.. or a quartet.. or a scene.. or whatever..  but not me. 

In fact, the duet I have been singing over the past couple of concerts was pretty much out of the question.. NOT because I can't or haven't been able to sing it.. because I CAN and damn well.. but because a couple of weeks ago, I had a week where I couldn't get my voice to move.  It just so happened that this was the same weekend where, on a few days' notice, the mezzo of my duet asked me to sing it with her for an audition tape.  "Sure" I said.. but made sure to point out that my voice had been a little resistant and I wasn't sure if I could get through it.  

I wasn't freaked out.  It never once crossed my mind that my voice was gone forever..  in fact, under any NORMAL circumstance.. a few days of trouble like this would have sent me into a tailspin it would have taken me MONTHS to recover from.  But it didn't.  The voice just wasn't moving.  It's a big voice and I don't know everything about singing.. I may not be as good as some.. but I know my voice.. and some days my voice just doesn't want to move.  Imagine trying to push a boulder twice as tall as you from a complete standstill .. up a hill.  Some days that's what it's like.  So I was sitting in the recording studio.. and even the accompanist said to me privately, with a knowing smile, "I can completely tell what is going on.. your voice is just slow moving today and they're totally freaking out about it."  Then he handed me his card and said, "I'll record you anytime."  and NO he was not coming onto me.. I don't have the right equipment.  So.. my voice teacher was all concerned and telling me how I am always coming up with excuses about why I can't do something..  when quite honestly, no excuse left my mouth. When she asked me what I thought was wrong, I just said, "I have no idea.  I don't feel sick.  I'm not second guessing myself.  I have no idea what's wrong."  I got a little chastised and it ticked me off.. but I got through it.

ANYWAY.. what I'm getting at is this.  My whole life has been an exercise in how to poorly manage your emotions.  How to Destroy Your Body, Your Talent and Your Chances at a Fulfilling and Successful Life by Letting Your Emotions Rule You.  A new comedy starring me, the only girl in the world capable of righting this ship.  Can she do it?

Tune in again next week (and next week and next week and next week) while she tries and tries and never gives up.

Dang.. anyway.. what triggered this?  Nothing and everything I suppose.  Maybe I finally found something I am inspired to write about again.  

thanks for listening.

Well, welcome December.. overnight and most of the day, we were blanketed in a fluffy, sparkly white sticky dust of snow.. it's really like a fairy land out there.  all the trees that were, until a month or so ago, covered in leaves and left desolate and sad when they all dropped.. are now painted a crystalline white.. every branch.. all the evergreens have Christmas-card-y white tufts of snow settled comfortably on top of their boughs..  I don't know how anyone can dislike this time of year. 

Yeah it's cold.  Put a coat on.

Yeah, driving sucks.  Slow down.

Look around you!  This is true, natural beauty.. it happens spontaneously.  All the streetlights reflect off the facets of ice on all the branches of the trees.. so they look like they're lit by stars.

I am positively energized by winter.  I love the numbness in my cheeks and the steam rising from my breath.  I love swiping snow off my car.  

I love it all.  People in this state who complain about winter should just move.  

Okay.. that's enough of that.

Work was a trip today.  I am so proud of my department.  I left 45 minutes early because I knew it was going to be snowing and traffic was going to really suck.  I was right.. I was still 10 minutes late but when I pulled in, the parking lot was absolutely desolate.  I wouldn't have been able to count 25 cars out there.

I got upstairs and learned that -- while the building was empty at least by half, MY DEPARTMENT was 100% accounted for.. or en route.  The only exceptions were planned YTO (one lead) and our two managers.  WE all made it in and they both called in due to weather.

It was great though.. we were not only told we would be provided with lunch (because the bids department was only half staffed) but also that we would be released to go home two hours before the end of each of our shifts.

So everybody went home early..  well, with one exception (can you guess?)..  me.

I should have gone home at 3:45 but I had gotten a call earlier in the day from the Denver Location saying they had an emergency rebuild they needed done.  I told them if they could get me the list before 3:30, then I could get the contract set up and copied.. then I could activate it tonight before I left..  unfortunately, that list didn't get to me until 3:37.. after the copy run.  It doesn't change the fact that they needed it done.. so I staged it for Monday morning -- but that meant I had to wait until 5pm before I could leave.

So.. I got out 30 minutes early.. but the place was an absolute ghost town by then.. 

I'm glad it got done though.. it sucks to be on the receiving end of a customer who's pissed about incorrect prices.. 

so now.. I'm exhausted.. it was just the stress of the end of the day, really.. but still.. I'm pooped.

Sometimes I think they don't deserve me.. but hey.. it's a job.

Stef