I am divorced, no children but have a pet chihuahua. I enjoy reading, crafting, watching tv and surfing the net.
I am very torn about the operation and scared-very uncertain about the outcome. What if I have the operation and fail? What if I don't lose the weight and keep getting bigger or if I do lose but regain? So many doubts...but also hope too that maybe this will be the one thing that does work.
July 28, 2006.....I'm gonna do it..im gonna make my appt. with the surgeon I have chosen..I have put it off for far too long now..I'm a procrastinator and have ben a major chicken about all this...I had an appt. in January of 2005 but my ride never showed so i didnt got to go and I know i should have made other arrangements and a new appt. then but i didnt...had alot of drama going on in my life at that time and maybe it was for the best I waited, i dont know...
I just know i want to b happy..Ive never been happy my whole life that i can remember..Oh yeah there have been moments, fleeting as they were but mostly I have been depressed...Im tired of feeling like this...I havent been over weight my WHOLE life but for the biggest part of it...since I was 8 yrs old...Im 40 now and i want to be able to do things Ive never felt like doing or had the courage to do or even been able to do...my weight has hindered me not only physically but mentally as well...I went to get my pics taken with my wonderful loving boy friend the other day...I was excited about it all but once I saw the pics i wasnt so excited...I know im big...but damn, seeing myself in these pictures made me realize how horrible i look...that hurts coz in my mind I envision things...how they will look and what will happen and my mind seems to see things alot differently than my eyes see them and it hurts to actually SEE reality...oh he thought they were wonderful, others loved them as well but they are not seeing what I see evidentally..
i actually started off life to the other extreme..i was very under weight...weighing 20 lbs at 3 yrs of age...dr. gave me a tonic of some sort and well, u see the results...I have tried numerous times to lose but it never happens..oh i may lose a few ponds here and there but they soon find their way back to me..the most i ever lost was 70 pounds back in 1983/84....now tho it seems that no matter what i do i cant even lose anymore...and the older i get the more this excess weight shows...when i was younger at least i was firm, now i sag in so many places...i know after i lose this weight i will HAVE to have ps...namely tummy tuck and new boobs..lol..prolly need arms done as well maybe thighs even tho my thighs r not a major problem for me now...almost all my excess weight is on top...mostly in my belly and arms...i used to be large breasted but all these years of losing and gaining have taken their toll..they are the first place i lose but the last place i gain...but, yeah, my tummy is the first place i gain and the last place i lose..I am diabetic so i guess that is to be expected...I dont want to be skinny...Im not looking to weight 105 i just want to weigh less than i do now...alot less...id be very happy if i were to weigh 160..im setting my goal to be anywhere from 130-160...im 5'4 id b very happy in that range...
there are so many things id like to accomplish from this surgery and weight loss....
1) to be healthy...get rid of the diabetes, high cholesterol and arthritis
2) feel better about myself...not always feel im unworthy of love or respect
3) be more out going
4) to be able to make love to my love without my belly hindering his penetration
5) to be able to wear clothing that doesnt "hide" my fat....im tired of loooooong baggy shirts and baggy stretch pants
6) to actually have a lap...tired of my belly always taking up most of it
7) to be able to lay in bed with my man and while cuddling, him rest his hand on my pubic mound WITHOUT having to move my stomach out of the way first
8) to not be the biggest person in family photos
9) to have energy to go out and have fun
10) to not be terrified for my boy friend to see me naked
I am ashamed to even write some of those things down but they are my thoughts and feelings and thats why we are all here right? we are all on the same journey so you will understand what Im going thru..
I remember reading some other members profiles and so totally relating to what they had to say...made me see that i am not alone...I have been that person that eats alone in their car, hiding the evidence so no one would know...im the person that would sneak food when no one was looking coz i was supposed to be on a diet...I AM that person that stuffs cnady and cake and cookies into their mouth when ever they are upset, crying all the while and knowing it is wrong but not able to stop...I am mostly an emotional eater...im not a big eater most of the time but if i get upset i will either a) not eat or b) eat myself crazy....actually on most days i dont eat much at all..i skip breakfast and sometimes lunch...dont over do it at dinner, eat fruit or sf jello for snack...do not understand why i am so large tho...life is surely not fair...seen members of my family eat ALOT and not gain...me it just seems i gain their weight lol..
well, i think i have bored u all enough for now i will update as soon as i have something to tell....
