akr9911

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And I honestly don't know why. I could post this in a forum but I'm not really sure where it belongs, or why it belongs. I just woke up feeling down, and it's not a good way to get through the day. It's really not.

Tomorrow I'm meeting with the NUT, after my upper GI. Not looking forward to either. I've had nothing but support from folks since I began my journey to WLS, but I'm just not feeling it today. I'm not saying I don't want to do the WLS. I am saying I'm ready to be post-op, and I just want the rest of my life to be starting now. No clue how I'm going to make it through the next 5-6 months of waiting. It seems so daunting to consider. Part of me wishes I was independently wealthy, so I didn't have to rely on insurance to pay for my surgery. I know I need time to process my life with food now versus my life with food afterwards but omg honestly I just am not there today. I'm done. I want to be done. I'm ready to be done.

I think I'm proving to myself that I'm really really ready now. Ready for the future will bring. Ready for the changes in my body and my mind. Ready for the next adventure. I have to focus on what I want for myself after the surgery, to get me excited about my new world. Maybe that will help me now. hmmmmmm. Let's make a bucket list of 'stuff I want to do after I get healthier' - stuff I can't (or won't) do now.

1. I want to zipline. Truth be told I am terrified of heights, but I want to do it. I want to be active and healthy enough to do it.
2. I want to ride a horse again. I used to do that when I was a kid and I kinda liked it. Since I've been an overweight adult, I haven't even considered it. But the idea of taking a nice easy trail ride, or a ride on the beach, is really appealing. So I want to do it.
3. I want to hike the Grand Canyon.
4. I want to train for a marathon. I'm still not convinced I want to do one, but I want to train for one. I'm always impressed by people who do this, and I want to be someone who impresses.
5. I want to shop in the regular size section of the store, and I want to send the nice sales lady out to get me a smaller size.
6. I want to wear really high heels. They are just too much work right now.
7. I want to NOT eat a piece of cake and not feel deprived.

There's more. I know there's more. The first things I came up with are things I want to be able to DO, and I'm struck by how much I'm not DOING right now. The other things are vanity/clothing things... I'm glad they showed up second in my brain and on my list. I'll keep adding to the bucket list. I think this will be useful for me getting through the next several months and the next stages of my journey to a healthier me.

Thanks for listening.

Tuesday morning my father-in-law called. In a very flat stilted voice he shared the tragic news: my 17-year old niece had taken some pills and had died suddenly. I was shell-shocked, and frankly I still am. We will deal with this tragedy and legacy at her wake and funeral this weekend, but the facts as they unfold are not pretty and very few answers exist. I'm not sure if they could ever be satisfactory if they do come to light. And while I write this to both share my grief, I'm also living with a few additional weight related wake up calls as well. I can't capture those anywhere else - it's not appropriate. But I'd like to capture them here for my own memory. I'm quite sure that this week will become entirely too fuzzy before long.

1. Be kind to yourself. Some of the pills in my niece's system were herbal. She was doing a 'cleanse' - something I myself have done before - in an effort to drop a few additional pounds before leaving for college next week. My niece wasn't heavy - in fact if anything she may have been slightly underweight. But when she looked in the mirror, she saw something else. She was more critical of herself than she ever would have been of someone else. I am overweight, her mother overweight, some of her friends are overweight - and yet she thought we were all beautiful. I need to learn to be kinder to myself, as I'm sure many of us do.  Who among us gives other people a greater benefit of the doubt than we give ourselves? Who among us is quick to point out our flaws, where we see beauty and strength in others in the same boat? I look at pictures of me and I see ugly. I look at pictures of me and I see only fat. She felt that way too. She was wrong. I might be too. Let's be clear here - the scale doesn't lie. I am fat, but is that really who I am? Is it the most important thing about me? I think not.

2. Believe in yourself and call on your a support system for help for days when you can not. They will believe enough for you and in you until you can get yourself back there again.

And finally:

3. Life is too short to not live it fully. We don't know when our time is up. And I don't want to be looking back with regret. I want to look forward with excitement. The time to make changes is now, so I can enjoy them and live life fully with the people I love so dearly.

Peace

Well being part of this community is helping me remember how to be in... in the mindset of exercising. Here's how I did it this weekend. Each Saturday morning I have 'breakfast with the girls' at a diner just down the road apiece... 1/2 mile or so. 99 times out of 100 I drive - I'm running late, it's too cld, it's too hot, I'm tired. Whatever. This past Saturday, I loaded the baby in her stroller, put her diaper bag/backpack on my back, and took off. The weather was perfect, I was early, and we all slept in so I was well-rested. I mean honestly even if I wanted to bag out on the walk, all signs pointed to "go go go mama." So I did. And 10 minutes later I was at the restaurant... and we were the first to arrive! I ordered pigs in blankets for bfast... OK not a fruit plate but it's something DD and I can share with ease and I promise I didn't eat the 3rd pancake at all. Then of course we had to walk home. I decided to take DD to the park and play with her before we went home, and you know what? That little stinker fell fast asleep 3 blocks before the park. What to do? "Out" me would have packed it in, brought her in the house, and hoped she stayed asleep for another hour. "In" me parked her in the backyard behind the privacy fence, ran into the house to get water for both of us and took off for a longer walk. All told I walked 5 miles with the baby on Saturday and then we did play in the park because she was awake by the time we got back that way. It was great. It felt great to push myself and frankly I had no trouble with the walking. Awesome - yay me.

Later on DH and I were running around (in the car) doing some errands. Each time I got out of the car it was like I was a little old lady. My legs and hips were ACHING something fierce. Seizing up in a way. Nightmare. But instead of feeling defeated, I felt bolstered by it. I laughed at myself for going from couch to 5 miles in one day, from thinking there would be no payback for such enterprise. And we had pizza for dinner but I ate it in moderation. And when we got home, I took my aching hips and soaked them in a warm epsom salt bath. Which was decadent and relaxing and rewarding in a way that a candy bar never can be.

So here's to being In. I haven't made the surgery decision yet but I'm already inspired by the conversation and commitment here. Thank you for reading.

Drove DH to the eye doctor this morning and I saw a city bus with a big advertisement on the back of it for a WL clinic in the area. I've been trying to figure out how to bring up the idea of WLS with him since I got really serious about this about 2 weeks ago. It's been nearly constantly on my mind - should i do this? am i failing if i do this? what will people say if i do this? when can I do this? - and I know I've been distracted from all this pondering. We've got a lot going on now so my distraction could be one of several things I'm sure but I know it's been (1) the delay in finalization of our daughter's adoption and (2) the decision for WLS. Well, thank you CTA because as we were sitting at the traffic light, there was a big (not neon) sign in my face. And it gave me the push to just 'casually' put it out there, "Babe. That reminds me (pointing). I've been thinking a lot more about WLS lately and I think I'm going to go to one of those informational sessions they have soon. I'm also going to talk to my doctor about it." Hearts beating, hearts pounding, waiting to hear his reaction. Wait for it... wait for it. "OK." That was the sum total of the reaction I got. LOL. Creating drama much E? You know it.

But later, after his eye doc appointment when I picked him up, I had the baby with me because all the ladies in the office like to oooh and aahhh over our sweet little girl and they were mad at me for not bringing her when I dropped him off for the 2 hour appointment - hey she was sleeping. In any event, our favorite tech there Karen said (to DH) "you need to be getting yourself in shape so you can run after this little one." I thought it was SUCH a weird comment. I mean, DH is heavy but it was weird for Karen to be bringing this up. I put it in the back of my mind and moved on.

DH is always tired after his appointment - he has a chronic eye problem that requires treatment every 8 weeks or so - so I was surprised when he was still awake when I came downstairs for lunch. He had a far away look in his eyes, arguably from his treatment, but I gave him the ol' penny for your thoughts line. And he said, "I'm trying to figure out why the orange juice is on the table." "I plan on having a small glass after I finish my water." "Oh. Cool. I'm also thinking about the back of that bus." HEY, he was paying attention after all! "Yep. So what are you thinking about it?" "I'm thinking about DD." "Yes, she's a driving force behind me thinking about it so much. I just want to know I can be there for her and to be the healthiest me I can be for her." "Yeah." "So do you want to go with me when I go to a session?" LONG pause. "That, or you could go and tell me about it and what I need to know." Typical. "Sure, I could do that." (Conversation continued but no need to continue to recount to you all. Or even just to me.)

This whole thought proved out something that I had pondered in my brain meanderings these last few weeks. Here's what I've been imagining our path to be: That I would lead the way on this, that DH would learn from me, and maybe with my change in eating habits he would find himself on the losing side of the scale for a change. And if he was still thinking about surgery after seeing my results (assuming there are results to be had) he would know what to expect after the surgery, understand the commitment that it would take, and would be better prepared for success. Looks like DH is falling in line with my expectations, at least now. But the fact that he had a convo about it with Karen (I think) and then with me several hours later means at least he's thinking about making some changes that could include surgery.

And yet I'm still trying to figure out what the next step in this journey is, and where it will end up. There's always so much buzzing around my brain. Bzzzz bzzzzzzz

I'm harkening back to When Harry Met Sally here. Remember how she was lamenting her life, and exclaimed "And I'm going to be 40!" And he said in 7 years (or something like that) and she said I know but still... Anyway, if you don't remember you're not about to be 50 in 3 1/2 years. I, on the other hand, am. And I'm starting to think about my bucket list for 50. What do I need to do, be, have, or know before I cross the 50 yard line. And you know what? I think it's all going to come down to my weight. While my bucket list for 40 was massive - psychoological, physical, emotional, sexual, international even.

By 50 though I just want to get weight thing figured out. I want to be able to maintain a healthy weight. With insane effort I know how to "tag" the goal line, but I don't know how to live there. I've never wanted to be skinny. I mean sure as a teen I lamented my large intimidating breasts and my soft belly. But as an adult, I just want to shop in the Ladies section of the department store, not in the Women's section. I've want to find Onederland, and never see the number 200 on the scale again. I want my driver's license to be the truth. Since I started late, there's no getting around it: I'm going to be the old mom on the playground; but I do not want to be the fat old mommy.

In my 40s, I have achieved so much. I'm a good wife and mother, with a very successful business career. I've completed my MBA and I've traveled the world on my own. By the time I'm 50, I need to figure out how to overcome my food demons. And I must admit, it's going to take the next 3 1/2 years to figure it out. So here I am, fat and 46 1/2. At 50, I want to be fabulous and proud. I guess that journey starts officially today.