Today I am sad

Oct 04, 2012

And I honestly don't know why. I could post this in a forum but I'm not really sure where it belongs, or why it belongs. I just woke up feeling down, and it's not a good way to get through the day. It's really not.

Tomorrow I'm meeting with the NUT, after my upper GI. Not looking forward to either. I've had nothing but support from folks since I began my journey to WLS, but I'm just not feeling it today. I'm not saying I don't want to do the WLS. I am saying I'm ready to be post-op, and I just want the rest of my life to be starting now. No clue how I'm going to make it through the next 5-6 months of waiting. It seems so daunting to consider. Part of me wishes I was independently wealthy, so I didn't have to rely on insurance to pay for my surgery. I know I need time to process my life with food now versus my life with food afterwards but omg honestly I just am not there today. I'm done. I want to be done. I'm ready to be done.

I think I'm proving to myself that I'm really really ready now. Ready for the future will bring. Ready for the changes in my body and my mind. Ready for the next adventure. I have to focus on what I want for myself after the surgery, to get me excited about my new world. Maybe that will help me now. hmmmmmm. Let's make a bucket list of 'stuff I want to do after I get healthier' - stuff I can't (or won't) do now.

1. I want to zipline. Truth be told I am terrified of heights, but I want to do it. I want to be active and healthy enough to do it.
2. I want to ride a horse again. I used to do that when I was a kid and I kinda liked it. Since I've been an overweight adult, I haven't even considered it. But the idea of taking a nice easy trail ride, or a ride on the beach, is really appealing. So I want to do it.
3. I want to hike the Grand Canyon.
4. I want to train for a marathon. I'm still not convinced I want to do one, but I want to train for one. I'm always impressed by people who do this, and I want to be someone who impresses.
5. I want to shop in the regular size section of the store, and I want to send the nice sales lady out to get me a smaller size.
6. I want to wear really high heels. They are just too much work right now.
7. I want to NOT eat a piece of cake and not feel deprived.

There's more. I know there's more. The first things I came up with are things I want to be able to DO, and I'm struck by how much I'm not DOING right now. The other things are vanity/clothing things... I'm glad they showed up second in my brain and on my list. I'll keep adding to the bucket list. I think this will be useful for me getting through the next several months and the next stages of my journey to a healthier me.

Thanks for listening.

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