Allie
God is WAY too confident in my abilities!!
May 15, 2008
What did Popeye say? "I've had all me's can stand and me's can't stand no more!" ???? Well yep, that just about covers it! Then there's that old saying that 'God will not give you more than you can handle'. Well......I say 'God is WAY too confident in my abilites'!!!
First off, I don't know if ya'll remember me asking for prayers for our baby, Noah. He had the 2 nodules on the back of his head that we were concerned about. Well he had an MRI and Daddy took him yesterday to his appointment. The neurologist said that the 2 nodules ARE indeed lymph nodes like his ped. first suspected. But then he told him that Noah has a cyst on the right side of his brain!!! I'm totally freaked out. The Dr. tells my husband not to worry about it, that it is small and that his brain isn't finished growing yet and most kids he's seen with this it goes away on its own. Well how the heck can I not worry!! This is our BABY!! I'm so scared for our little man. I just want him to be ok!
Second thing. I've neglected posting about this because I'm sure that everyone is really sick and tired of hearing about it, but it's serious and what if it was happening to you and you didn't really have anyone to go to about it ya know? Well, I'm back in the hospital. I was admitted last Friday evening. I am suffering from malnutrition.....go figure at 240+ pounds. My eating has just went on a personal vacation and my hydration is not any better. My prealbumin was low, which is what indicates nutrition level and protein and what not. And my period is gone. Last time I had it, it was 2 weeks late. Now it is almost 3 weeks late and no I'm not pregnant. My surgeon said it was from the malnutrition.
There are also several of these factors that may have led to the blackout that caused my wreck. I'm sure we'll never know for sure. My Dr. has ordered an echo of my heart to check on the function. I found out my heart was bad right before I had surgery last year. I'm just wondering what all this has done to my heart though. I'm afraid my body is eating up its muscle.......and the heart is a muscle. Freaks me out.
We also discussed TPN again. My surgeon wants to put me on it to get some nutrition in my body. I'm afraid with what I do eat and the TPN that I will gain weight, but my Dr. is not concerned that that will be a problem. Now I guess it's just up to my insurance company to approve! Yikes! I'm worried about that because I know what happened LAST time we tried to get this approved. Back then I wasn't requiring enough calories to be approved. Maybe this time. Lord. My surgeon isn't trying to fatten me up or trying to get me to gain weight or anything, he's just trying to get the right balance of nutrients into me because apparently that isn't happening with the food I eat.
So, add all that to the heaping pile I've already got....the wreck, the constant pain and pain meds and everything else and I'm getting quite set up for a huge meltdown. If I sit and think about this crap long enough it just bamfoozles my mind!! I just have to stop thinking for a while to make it all stop.
Anyway, I just had to blow off steam. I know ya'll are just about as sick of hearing this stuff as I am sick of going through it so I'm sorry for posting, posting, posting about it, but it's just HARD and my support system seems to grow shorter by the day so I'm running out of places to turn for someone that actually cares. Lord knows my own family doesn't. None of them had called once through this whole long almost 11 month ordeal. Anyway, thanks for listening.
First off, I don't know if ya'll remember me asking for prayers for our baby, Noah. He had the 2 nodules on the back of his head that we were concerned about. Well he had an MRI and Daddy took him yesterday to his appointment. The neurologist said that the 2 nodules ARE indeed lymph nodes like his ped. first suspected. But then he told him that Noah has a cyst on the right side of his brain!!! I'm totally freaked out. The Dr. tells my husband not to worry about it, that it is small and that his brain isn't finished growing yet and most kids he's seen with this it goes away on its own. Well how the heck can I not worry!! This is our BABY!! I'm so scared for our little man. I just want him to be ok!
Second thing. I've neglected posting about this because I'm sure that everyone is really sick and tired of hearing about it, but it's serious and what if it was happening to you and you didn't really have anyone to go to about it ya know? Well, I'm back in the hospital. I was admitted last Friday evening. I am suffering from malnutrition.....go figure at 240+ pounds. My eating has just went on a personal vacation and my hydration is not any better. My prealbumin was low, which is what indicates nutrition level and protein and what not. And my period is gone. Last time I had it, it was 2 weeks late. Now it is almost 3 weeks late and no I'm not pregnant. My surgeon said it was from the malnutrition.
There are also several of these factors that may have led to the blackout that caused my wreck. I'm sure we'll never know for sure. My Dr. has ordered an echo of my heart to check on the function. I found out my heart was bad right before I had surgery last year. I'm just wondering what all this has done to my heart though. I'm afraid my body is eating up its muscle.......and the heart is a muscle. Freaks me out.
We also discussed TPN again. My surgeon wants to put me on it to get some nutrition in my body. I'm afraid with what I do eat and the TPN that I will gain weight, but my Dr. is not concerned that that will be a problem. Now I guess it's just up to my insurance company to approve! Yikes! I'm worried about that because I know what happened LAST time we tried to get this approved. Back then I wasn't requiring enough calories to be approved. Maybe this time. Lord. My surgeon isn't trying to fatten me up or trying to get me to gain weight or anything, he's just trying to get the right balance of nutrients into me because apparently that isn't happening with the food I eat.
So, add all that to the heaping pile I've already got....the wreck, the constant pain and pain meds and everything else and I'm getting quite set up for a huge meltdown. If I sit and think about this crap long enough it just bamfoozles my mind!! I just have to stop thinking for a while to make it all stop.
Anyway, I just had to blow off steam. I know ya'll are just about as sick of hearing this stuff as I am sick of going through it so I'm sorry for posting, posting, posting about it, but it's just HARD and my support system seems to grow shorter by the day so I'm running out of places to turn for someone that actually cares. Lord knows my own family doesn't. None of them had called once through this whole long almost 11 month ordeal. Anyway, thanks for listening.
Well I went home!!
Mar 26, 2008
Sorry I haven't updated my blog in a while. I went home on March 12th from the hospital FINALLY after being there forever. I lost 22 pounds while I was there!!!!!! Quite amazing. I didn't really eat so much because the food was just something I couldn't tolerate. Anyway, I'm SO glad to be home!! Pain management appointment was March 25th. I'll update about that soon!
Day 15 and..........
Mar 07, 2008
I'M GOING HOME!!!!! I was going to get to go home yesterday but we got something like 9-10 inches of snow up at home and my husband couldn't get out and didn't want to risk getting in a wreck with all of our babies in the van. There's NO snow at all down here where I am. It's funny what a difference an hour and a half drive makes!! So anyway, he's coming to get me this morning or early afternoon!!
Just wanted to let everyone know! I may not be on the boards for a while. Just depends on how I'm doing once I get home. I want to spend time with my family really bad, but if I'm laid up in the bed not feeling good or something, I might be able to get online. I just REALLY need to be with them right now. The kids get SO torn up when I'm gone and I want to spend every moment I can with them.
The plan when I go home is just to get ahold of pain management and then see how my friend does after her celiac nerve block. That might be the road I'm going down next! Please keep me in your prayers for a solution to this nightmare!
Thanks for all the support! I appreciate it SO much! You all have been a big help to me!
Update - Day 12
Mar 05, 2008
Well hello again everyone. Just wanted to give ya'll an update. So I've been in the hospital for 12 days now. I FINALLY got moved to another room this morning. Thank God!!! That room down there had a busted air conditioner and I was trying to survive with just a box fan........omg, it was SO HOT!
So, in the morning I'm getting another endoscopy done. I don't know what makes them think they'll find anything the 4th time around, but I guess it's worth a shot. Then they can see if that staple or whatever suture material was still in my pouch the last time has worked it's way out of there and passed through my system. That's the only thing that was found the last time they looked.
If everything looks ok tomorrow, I get to go home Friday evening!!!!!!! I'm SO totally excited! Apparently the pain management doctor that my surgeon wants me to see doesn't see patients in the hospital, but he didn't know that until a few days back, so all of that was a just a big waste of time. So I get to go home and wait on the pain management clinic to call me and set up an appointment for me to see them. I'm FAIRLY sure that he's going to suggest getting this celiac nerve block that my "TWIN" is getting. Well, she is getting hers done next thursday and she'll know almost immediately if it's going to work. I wish I could be here with her when she has it done because she's been SO supportive to me, but I don't think it's going to happen. So, if her block doesn't work, I'm NOT going to get one. Too many bad side effects. If hers DOES work, then I'll give it a try.
As we've been talking more and more between ourselves and our surgeon, we've found out that there are other people dealing with this EXACT same issue that are patients of another surgeon in the WLS practice. I find it quite amazing and I REALLY think some more research needs to be done on why there are several of us like this..........with no explanation and no solution for a cure. I don't know how the other surgeon is treating his few that have the issue, I'd be curious to know though. I guess we're just writing another chapter in the medical books for "problems after WLS". It's really insane!
So please say a prayer for me that tomorrow's scope goes well and that there are no complications. I would GREATLY appreciate it!!
So, in the morning I'm getting another endoscopy done. I don't know what makes them think they'll find anything the 4th time around, but I guess it's worth a shot. Then they can see if that staple or whatever suture material was still in my pouch the last time has worked it's way out of there and passed through my system. That's the only thing that was found the last time they looked.
If everything looks ok tomorrow, I get to go home Friday evening!!!!!!! I'm SO totally excited! Apparently the pain management doctor that my surgeon wants me to see doesn't see patients in the hospital, but he didn't know that until a few days back, so all of that was a just a big waste of time. So I get to go home and wait on the pain management clinic to call me and set up an appointment for me to see them. I'm FAIRLY sure that he's going to suggest getting this celiac nerve block that my "TWIN" is getting. Well, she is getting hers done next thursday and she'll know almost immediately if it's going to work. I wish I could be here with her when she has it done because she's been SO supportive to me, but I don't think it's going to happen. So, if her block doesn't work, I'm NOT going to get one. Too many bad side effects. If hers DOES work, then I'll give it a try.
As we've been talking more and more between ourselves and our surgeon, we've found out that there are other people dealing with this EXACT same issue that are patients of another surgeon in the WLS practice. I find it quite amazing and I REALLY think some more research needs to be done on why there are several of us like this..........with no explanation and no solution for a cure. I don't know how the other surgeon is treating his few that have the issue, I'd be curious to know though. I guess we're just writing another chapter in the medical books for "problems after WLS". It's really insane!
So please say a prayer for me that tomorrow's scope goes well and that there are no complications. I would GREATLY appreciate it!!
Day 10...Nothing new to report........but I have a TWIN!!
Mar 02, 2008
Well just wanted to update everyone. Today is day 10 in the hospital and nothing new to report.
Well........ya know, that's not entirely true. I DID meet another woman a few days ago that works here at the hospital, we have the same surgeon and we have the EXACT same symptoms!! And when I say exact I mean EXACT!! Can you believe it?? It was like the heavens opened up and dropped this angel at my door because, even though I would NEVER EVER want someone to go through what I'm going through, there's finally another human being that understands what I'm going through.
She had her surgery 4 months after I had mine. We both had the RNY, be both have horrible pain when eating or drinking, we've both been hospitalized several times and most importantly, we've both had every diagnostic test known to man and not a single reason for our pain can be found. It's absolutely insane. She is surviving on a g-tube and pain meds and I'm surviving on just pain meds. I was talking to her yesterday and I said, you know, if we took your g-tube away from you and my pain meds away from me we'd both die in a matter of days, did you know that? She was like, "Yeah, I know......it's crazy". But that is the sad truth.
She's in a little bit better of a position than me as she works with our surgeon, well at least in the same building! And most of the time she wouldn't call it a "better position" because he comes down to her office and "picks on her" (in a good way). But she's also a Dr. Not a medical doctor, but a doctor of pharmacology. I'm not a doctor of nothin'. Well, maybe a Dr. of dirty diapers and steppin on toys......LOL But anyway, so she has a lot of medical knowledge and knowledge of medications and a lot of her friends are doctors so she can talk to them and get their advice and stuff. So she's kind of had people around her for support and help.
She's been a great comfort to me these past few days. It's like we have this weird morbid bond, but I'm very thankful that God brought her into my life. She just came in my room one day. Figured out what room I was in based on my hospital phone number. She was registered with OH and had been reading about me and what I'd been going through and the last time I was in the hospital, she was too, but she didn't know it at the time. So, she saw that I was back in and came to see me. I just really really like her, not only because she's going through what I am, but because she's just a sweet person period!
Well, I just wanted to tell ya'll about my twin and say I don't have anymore news. My family came yesterday and that was SO nice!! I just wanted to leave with them!!! Gosh I miss them so bad!! I'm tired of sitting here by myself day in and day out without them!
Thanks to those that have checked up on me and stuff. I really appreciate it! Well, until I know more........ya'll take care and have a great week!
Well........ya know, that's not entirely true. I DID meet another woman a few days ago that works here at the hospital, we have the same surgeon and we have the EXACT same symptoms!! And when I say exact I mean EXACT!! Can you believe it?? It was like the heavens opened up and dropped this angel at my door because, even though I would NEVER EVER want someone to go through what I'm going through, there's finally another human being that understands what I'm going through.
She had her surgery 4 months after I had mine. We both had the RNY, be both have horrible pain when eating or drinking, we've both been hospitalized several times and most importantly, we've both had every diagnostic test known to man and not a single reason for our pain can be found. It's absolutely insane. She is surviving on a g-tube and pain meds and I'm surviving on just pain meds. I was talking to her yesterday and I said, you know, if we took your g-tube away from you and my pain meds away from me we'd both die in a matter of days, did you know that? She was like, "Yeah, I know......it's crazy". But that is the sad truth.
She's in a little bit better of a position than me as she works with our surgeon, well at least in the same building! And most of the time she wouldn't call it a "better position" because he comes down to her office and "picks on her" (in a good way). But she's also a Dr. Not a medical doctor, but a doctor of pharmacology. I'm not a doctor of nothin'. Well, maybe a Dr. of dirty diapers and steppin on toys......LOL But anyway, so she has a lot of medical knowledge and knowledge of medications and a lot of her friends are doctors so she can talk to them and get their advice and stuff. So she's kind of had people around her for support and help.
She's been a great comfort to me these past few days. It's like we have this weird morbid bond, but I'm very thankful that God brought her into my life. She just came in my room one day. Figured out what room I was in based on my hospital phone number. She was registered with OH and had been reading about me and what I'd been going through and the last time I was in the hospital, she was too, but she didn't know it at the time. So, she saw that I was back in and came to see me. I just really really like her, not only because she's going through what I am, but because she's just a sweet person period!
Well, I just wanted to tell ya'll about my twin and say I don't have anymore news. My family came yesterday and that was SO nice!! I just wanted to leave with them!!! Gosh I miss them so bad!! I'm tired of sitting here by myself day in and day out without them!
Thanks to those that have checked up on me and stuff. I really appreciate it! Well, until I know more........ya'll take care and have a great week!
Well, THAT wasn't what I wanted to hear!!! :P
Feb 28, 2008
Well the rheumatologist came by to see me today. We went over my medical history. Due to the suspicion that my fibromyalgia has something to do with this pain I'm having, I asked him about it and he said that if you took my fibro out of the equation, that I would still have this stomach pain.
So that is really NOT what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear that there WAS a relationship between my fibro and my stomach pain because maybe it might make it easier to fix, but NO. SO, even after that though they are going to order some blood work and tests to see about other autoimmune diseases.'
That's all there is for now. Hopefully the pain doctor will have more answers. Ugh!!
So that is really NOT what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear that there WAS a relationship between my fibro and my stomach pain because maybe it might make it easier to fix, but NO. SO, even after that though they are going to order some blood work and tests to see about other autoimmune diseases.'
That's all there is for now. Hopefully the pain doctor will have more answers. Ugh!!
Hospital Update!
Feb 28, 2008
February 23, 2007
Well here's what I know so far.
Got in my room FINALLY last night close to 9:00! I was falling asleep in the admitting waiting room and falling asleep while the nurse was asking me questions. I was SO tired!
Was hurting MAJORLY bad this morning. Called for pain meds at 7am........didn't get them until 9:15 and then she only brought 2mg of what was supposed to be a 10mg dose. But then my doctor came and changed my orders, so I ended up getting my regular 10mg dose on top of the 2mg about 30 minutes later. Lordy!
Will get a PICC line some time today. Don't know if we're going to do IV meds or by mouth meds yet. So far we're just doing by mouth meds. And I'm on a liquid diet right now, but haven't eaten anything since yesterday and I'm SLOWLY working on an apple juice because I didn't get to "drink" my breakfast stuff this morning because I had no pain meds.
Doc said he was going to be bringing in someone that deals with the issues I'm having but that doc wasn't here today. I didn't even think to ask what type of doctor this was that he was referring to because I was just plain hurting to bad to think about it. He's also going to be bringing in the rheumatologist and the pain specialist like we had talked about to address the lupus issue. THAT may be the cause of my problems..........that or some other autoimmune disorder, or it could just be my fibromyalgia. But who knows........I think I'm grasping for straws at this point because I want a diagnosis that has a SOLUTION. Does that make any sense?? *And has anyone had to deal with any of those autoimmune disorders, lupus or have you known anyone that has dealt with them and have you/they had to deal with any of the stomach pain that I've been dealing with?? I'd really like to hear about it if you had.*
Well, I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to be staying in this room that I'm in right now, but until they move me...........here's the number for my room right now.......(214)818-8215. I'll update my number if and when they move me.
So that's all I got right now. My major issue right now is just my pain, but they are bringing me another dose any minute now so I will finally be able to get "on top" of my pain again........Thank God! I appreciate and thank you all so much for your thoughts, prayers, emails and I'm sure soon to be phone calls. I will post updates as I know anything new. (Thank God for my laptop!!)
Thanks Everyone!!
Well here's what I know so far.
Got in my room FINALLY last night close to 9:00! I was falling asleep in the admitting waiting room and falling asleep while the nurse was asking me questions. I was SO tired!
Was hurting MAJORLY bad this morning. Called for pain meds at 7am........didn't get them until 9:15 and then she only brought 2mg of what was supposed to be a 10mg dose. But then my doctor came and changed my orders, so I ended up getting my regular 10mg dose on top of the 2mg about 30 minutes later. Lordy!
Will get a PICC line some time today. Don't know if we're going to do IV meds or by mouth meds yet. So far we're just doing by mouth meds. And I'm on a liquid diet right now, but haven't eaten anything since yesterday and I'm SLOWLY working on an apple juice because I didn't get to "drink" my breakfast stuff this morning because I had no pain meds.
Doc said he was going to be bringing in someone that deals with the issues I'm having but that doc wasn't here today. I didn't even think to ask what type of doctor this was that he was referring to because I was just plain hurting to bad to think about it. He's also going to be bringing in the rheumatologist and the pain specialist like we had talked about to address the lupus issue. THAT may be the cause of my problems..........that or some other autoimmune disorder, or it could just be my fibromyalgia. But who knows........I think I'm grasping for straws at this point because I want a diagnosis that has a SOLUTION. Does that make any sense?? *And has anyone had to deal with any of those autoimmune disorders, lupus or have you known anyone that has dealt with them and have you/they had to deal with any of the stomach pain that I've been dealing with?? I'd really like to hear about it if you had.*
Well, I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to be staying in this room that I'm in right now, but until they move me...........here's the number for my room right now.......(214)818-8215. I'll update my number if and when they move me.
So that's all I got right now. My major issue right now is just my pain, but they are bringing me another dose any minute now so I will finally be able to get "on top" of my pain again........Thank God! I appreciate and thank you all so much for your thoughts, prayers, emails and I'm sure soon to be phone calls. I will post updates as I know anything new. (Thank God for my laptop!!)
Thanks Everyone!!
Have to go back in the hospital!!
Feb 28, 2008
February 22, 2007
I'm being put back into the hospital today. (Just waiting on the kids to get out of school. I have to be there about 6:00 this evening) I'm just getting worse and worse with the pain and now more pain and lots of nausea and some vomiting. So, my surgeon called me this morning and we talked and he said we're just not having any success at managing these complications on an outpatient basis. SO...........back to Hotel Baylor Hospital I go!
We are going to be doing several things while I'm there. We think maybe my fibromyalgia or me being prone to chronic pain could be playing a factor. Also, I've not had lupus ruled out as a diagnosis for me so we're going to check into that as well as other autoimmune system disorders with a rheumatologist while I'm there. I'll probably be seeing an internist and I'll definitely be seeing the pain management specialist...........don't know what the game plan is there (there was talk of a pump, but don't know much more about it). I know when I first go in the plan is just IV pain meds, nausea meds, resting my stomach with just ice and liquids, and a PICC line.
I'm just really really sad about this...........I can't even begin to tell you. My surgeon told me I was going to be there for somewhere around 2 weeks.......or more........so maybe, possibly you can understand my sadness. I'm going to miss my hubby and my kids SO SO much!! omg.......it makes me want to cry just thinking about it!!!!
Please please, I need ya'lls support right now more than I think I ever have. All of this is just getting to be too hard on me and I'm so very frustrated! It's just me, hubby and our 4 kids and we're doing all this by ourselves. My mother lives an hour and half away from our home and 30 minutes from the hospital I'll be at and not once during my MONTHS of hospitalizations has she lifted one finger to help, visit or even CALL to check on how I was doing. All of our other family lives in TN. They care A LOT about me, but are too far away to help out, but they would if they could. I just really need my friends and their support right now. I have a feeling that this hospitalization is going to be so hard on me for many reasons with being away from my family AGAIN and not knowing what the outcome of all this is going to be.
Again, please, I need you ALL right now........BIG TIME! I'm getting really tired and frustrated with this fight I've been fighting for the past 8 1/2 months of being in and out of the hospital. BUT, I'm NOT giving up.......I'm a fighter, but I'm needing a little steam to keep my engine fired up! Thanks so much to everyone, in advance, for your love and support. It means so much to me. I'll post when I get there with any updates and my hospital room number!
I'm being put back into the hospital today. (Just waiting on the kids to get out of school. I have to be there about 6:00 this evening) I'm just getting worse and worse with the pain and now more pain and lots of nausea and some vomiting. So, my surgeon called me this morning and we talked and he said we're just not having any success at managing these complications on an outpatient basis. SO...........back to Hotel Baylor Hospital I go!
We are going to be doing several things while I'm there. We think maybe my fibromyalgia or me being prone to chronic pain could be playing a factor. Also, I've not had lupus ruled out as a diagnosis for me so we're going to check into that as well as other autoimmune system disorders with a rheumatologist while I'm there. I'll probably be seeing an internist and I'll definitely be seeing the pain management specialist...........don't know what the game plan is there (there was talk of a pump, but don't know much more about it). I know when I first go in the plan is just IV pain meds, nausea meds, resting my stomach with just ice and liquids, and a PICC line.
I'm just really really sad about this...........I can't even begin to tell you. My surgeon told me I was going to be there for somewhere around 2 weeks.......or more........so maybe, possibly you can understand my sadness. I'm going to miss my hubby and my kids SO SO much!! omg.......it makes me want to cry just thinking about it!!!!
Please please, I need ya'lls support right now more than I think I ever have. All of this is just getting to be too hard on me and I'm so very frustrated! It's just me, hubby and our 4 kids and we're doing all this by ourselves. My mother lives an hour and half away from our home and 30 minutes from the hospital I'll be at and not once during my MONTHS of hospitalizations has she lifted one finger to help, visit or even CALL to check on how I was doing. All of our other family lives in TN. They care A LOT about me, but are too far away to help out, but they would if they could. I just really need my friends and their support right now. I have a feeling that this hospitalization is going to be so hard on me for many reasons with being away from my family AGAIN and not knowing what the outcome of all this is going to be.
Again, please, I need you ALL right now........BIG TIME! I'm getting really tired and frustrated with this fight I've been fighting for the past 8 1/2 months of being in and out of the hospital. BUT, I'm NOT giving up.......I'm a fighter, but I'm needing a little steam to keep my engine fired up! Thanks so much to everyone, in advance, for your love and support. It means so much to me. I'll post when I get there with any updates and my hospital room number!
Can I vent for a minute? And will ya listen? LOL
Jan 30, 2008
January 5, 2008
OK, so I'm up at 6 something this morning writing a LONG email to my mother. WHY? Because she frustrates me to no end!!!!! Some of you know the situation with my mother, but for those of you that don't...........here's a small glimpse. Mother - Age 50, 2 daughters Me, just turned 32 and my 20 year old sister, 4 grandchildren by me ages 12, 4, 3 and 18 months, lives an hour and half away and has never been to our home the whole 7 years my husband and I have been married, never calls us, lied to me about who my father was and now says it could be anyone off the street. So was that a quick enough glimpse? So my mother never has anything to do with me or my kids and she takes all her frustrations out on my little sister......just jumps her case about EVERYTHING. I don't understand her, but yet I'M up at 6 something in the morning writing her an email about how I wish she would open her eyes and see what all she's been blessed with and how most people would kill for the life she does and how me and my sister just wish she would be happy and how we love her but she makes it so hard for us to love her and OMG, why am I even still caring after all the UNcaring she's showed towards me?? I just don't get it. You know all that time I was in the hospital......sometimes LITERALLY fighting for my life?? Well, did she EVER call me OR my husband to find out how I was or to see if she could lend a hand to my husband who had all 4 kids by himself for weeks and sometimes a month at a time?? HECK NO! (Is this post traumatic stress or something? gee whiz)
I guess I just want someone to tell me that either A. I'm off my rocker for even TRYING to get this woman to love me or B. Tell me that EVENTUALLY this woman, who is supposed to love me unconditionally through thick and thin, will one day come around and start being a mother to me and my sister and a grandmother to her grandchildren. I just don't understand why I am CONTINUALLY being so torn up about this when I supposedly vowed that she was not going to have this effect on me EVER again?? Maybe it's because she's my MOTHER and I CAN'T get over it? I don't know........but........thanks for letting me vent, although I STILL don't feel better about it!!! (insert red steaming flaming mad guy here)
OK, so I'm up at 6 something this morning writing a LONG email to my mother. WHY? Because she frustrates me to no end!!!!! Some of you know the situation with my mother, but for those of you that don't...........here's a small glimpse. Mother - Age 50, 2 daughters Me, just turned 32 and my 20 year old sister, 4 grandchildren by me ages 12, 4, 3 and 18 months, lives an hour and half away and has never been to our home the whole 7 years my husband and I have been married, never calls us, lied to me about who my father was and now says it could be anyone off the street. So was that a quick enough glimpse? So my mother never has anything to do with me or my kids and she takes all her frustrations out on my little sister......just jumps her case about EVERYTHING. I don't understand her, but yet I'M up at 6 something in the morning writing her an email about how I wish she would open her eyes and see what all she's been blessed with and how most people would kill for the life she does and how me and my sister just wish she would be happy and how we love her but she makes it so hard for us to love her and OMG, why am I even still caring after all the UNcaring she's showed towards me?? I just don't get it. You know all that time I was in the hospital......sometimes LITERALLY fighting for my life?? Well, did she EVER call me OR my husband to find out how I was or to see if she could lend a hand to my husband who had all 4 kids by himself for weeks and sometimes a month at a time?? HECK NO! (Is this post traumatic stress or something? gee whiz)
I guess I just want someone to tell me that either A. I'm off my rocker for even TRYING to get this woman to love me or B. Tell me that EVENTUALLY this woman, who is supposed to love me unconditionally through thick and thin, will one day come around and start being a mother to me and my sister and a grandmother to her grandchildren. I just don't understand why I am CONTINUALLY being so torn up about this when I supposedly vowed that she was not going to have this effect on me EVER again?? Maybe it's because she's my MOTHER and I CAN'T get over it? I don't know........but........thanks for letting me vent, although I STILL don't feel better about it!!! (insert red steaming flaming mad guy here)
Hello, hello! Just an update!
Jan 30, 2008
December 31, 2007
Hey everyone! I've been gone for a while but after that last month in the hospital, I've pulled the selfish card and been spending time with my family, since I don't know from day to day if I'll have to go back in the hospital tomorrow or a week from tomorrow. I just know that my kids were so torn up about me being gone that every time that I'd even leave to go to the store they'd cry so hard because they thought I wouldn't be coming back because they thought that I was going to the hospital. So long story short........they've REALLY needed me.
Then we were getting everything ready to go to Tennessee for vacation. We left on the 22nd and got back on the 29th. Then we had our Christmas here Sunday evening. My hubby was sick and kept getting sicker and sicker and I just finally had to drop him off at the ER a couple hours ago because the doctor's office won't be open til Wednesday and he needed some relief BAD.
My hubby and I both just celebrated our birthdays on Christmas day. It was probably one of the best birthdays ever. Our family really made it special for us. They baked us a chocolate cake and I got some scrapbook stuff. It was really great. I turned the big 32. I can't believe it!! I do feel bad because I was hurting so bad the whole time we were there and the whole week before despite my pain meds. I just took my last dose of meds tonight and I don't have any way of getting anymore til Wednesday so tomorrow is going to be one miserable day. Ugh!
So anyway, I feel bad for not being there for my friends who may have needed me. Tammy, I'm sorry I missed Kayden being sick. I hope he's better now! Daph, I'm sorry for not keeping in touch as much. I do love you. I apologize for missing so many births! Leah, Simon sure is cute! Anyway, I feel bad for stepping away so long and being selfish with all this time I've had at home, but truly, my family needed me and I needed to make some hard decisions about where my time was going because I've been feeling so lousy.......staying in bed like 12-16 hours a day from pain so the other 8 hours I'm up have to be spent wisely and I chose to spend it with my kids and taking care of all the things I missed in the month I was in the hospital last time. You all ARE very important to me though so please don't feel that I don't care because I DO!!
Well, that was just an update from me. I hope you all have a wonderful New Year! And if you wouldn't mind, throw out a prayer for me that whatever this pain I'm having (which I THINK is a hernia. It's right above my belly button in my mid abdomen and hurts like a dog. Not to mention the pain I STILL have everyday eating and drinking) gets fixed and that I can get my meds SOON!! Love you all!!
I am officially under 300 pounds now!! I can't believe that! I haven't been this weight since right after hubby and I were married in Nov. of 2000!! Guess I need to change my ticker too!
Hey everyone! I've been gone for a while but after that last month in the hospital, I've pulled the selfish card and been spending time with my family, since I don't know from day to day if I'll have to go back in the hospital tomorrow or a week from tomorrow. I just know that my kids were so torn up about me being gone that every time that I'd even leave to go to the store they'd cry so hard because they thought I wouldn't be coming back because they thought that I was going to the hospital. So long story short........they've REALLY needed me.
Then we were getting everything ready to go to Tennessee for vacation. We left on the 22nd and got back on the 29th. Then we had our Christmas here Sunday evening. My hubby was sick and kept getting sicker and sicker and I just finally had to drop him off at the ER a couple hours ago because the doctor's office won't be open til Wednesday and he needed some relief BAD.
My hubby and I both just celebrated our birthdays on Christmas day. It was probably one of the best birthdays ever. Our family really made it special for us. They baked us a chocolate cake and I got some scrapbook stuff. It was really great. I turned the big 32. I can't believe it!! I do feel bad because I was hurting so bad the whole time we were there and the whole week before despite my pain meds. I just took my last dose of meds tonight and I don't have any way of getting anymore til Wednesday so tomorrow is going to be one miserable day. Ugh!
So anyway, I feel bad for not being there for my friends who may have needed me. Tammy, I'm sorry I missed Kayden being sick. I hope he's better now! Daph, I'm sorry for not keeping in touch as much. I do love you. I apologize for missing so many births! Leah, Simon sure is cute! Anyway, I feel bad for stepping away so long and being selfish with all this time I've had at home, but truly, my family needed me and I needed to make some hard decisions about where my time was going because I've been feeling so lousy.......staying in bed like 12-16 hours a day from pain so the other 8 hours I'm up have to be spent wisely and I chose to spend it with my kids and taking care of all the things I missed in the month I was in the hospital last time. You all ARE very important to me though so please don't feel that I don't care because I DO!!
Well, that was just an update from me. I hope you all have a wonderful New Year! And if you wouldn't mind, throw out a prayer for me that whatever this pain I'm having (which I THINK is a hernia. It's right above my belly button in my mid abdomen and hurts like a dog. Not to mention the pain I STILL have everyday eating and drinking) gets fixed and that I can get my meds SOON!! Love you all!!
I am officially under 300 pounds now!! I can't believe that! I haven't been this weight since right after hubby and I were married in Nov. of 2000!! Guess I need to change my ticker too!
About Me
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Nov 02, 2004
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