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Well it certainly has been some time since I have been logged on. I am doing well and handling my bouts of depression okay these days. I have gained some weight I’m at 195 do to my own negligence. But I have gotten off my ass as of the first of November and have been seriously exercising. I have bought this beautiful dress and I am determined to wear this dress for thanksgiving. I have placed the dress in front of my wall next to my mirror just to remind my self of my goal once I get to that one I’ll add a new one to focus on. I am determined to reach 170 for my tummy tuck!   I joined weight watchers online to just get an idea of different foods I can make and so I won’t get board and I have stocked up on veggies to snack on instead of hitting the vending machine. I am looking for some protein powder that I can put in my food and also make protein shakes with it so I can have that in the am instead of cooking something.  . Wow I forgot how expensive it is to eat healthy my bill just jumped an addition $120. It’s like the food industry wants you to eat unhealthy.  My husband has also joined me in my ventures and went out and bought some exercise equipment we can do together.   My hair has finally stopped thinning and I am finally able to die my hair to my all-time favorite Burgundy once again and I cut ,my long hair to a bob on my shoulders. I just love it. I forgot how happy I feel when I am exercising why did I ever stop? I am going to free up some time and push my self to go to a meeting just to stay focused even though my DH is doing a great job.   Well I am still going to school to became a nurse I hope I can finish soon I can’t wait am just hopping to get accepted to this night program I just applied to. We will see what happens. Well my OBH friends I’ll update again in two weeks just to keep track of my exercise program and weight loss.

Well the job is going well. I am so focussed I cant wait till I can start my clinicals this fall. I am just hoping that I can afford the tuition.  I am gonna have to cut my hours at work  to accomidate my clinical hours. So hopefully I will be able to work things out. I have been looking into working from home doing collection calls or data entry. But everything I find online is listed at the better buisness burue as a scam. But I am not giving up.

Well this summer has been interesting so far. I have been to the beach once so far. I have been working on my home so I haven't been out much. my kids finally got the pool up and don't seem to mind staying home. I am hopping to finish my home soon and hopefully I can get the kids out more.

Well I got to go so later.....

Job
Well the job is going well. I am so relaxed and find the work so easy, But I am being very carefull not to let on that I can do things on my own. Because of the lady who is supposed to be training me. She is trying to push her work load to me so she can have more free time. Can you believe that! She doesn't know that I hurd when she said that. So from expirience I know that she is just one of those pushy people that needs to be set in place. But since I am new and I am still on probation. I am playing it cool. I am completely ignoring her and her commnets. Everytime she complains about something I always respond "I am so sorry I can't help you because I just don't quite understand this system yet!" It just burns her that I won't stop what I am doing to help her. The funny thing is that the office manager told me to stick with my assigned assignments and not to take on any of her work because that Is why they lost their last employee. I think there is some bad static between the two of them. And i am staying clear of that. Everyone else is prtey nice. The nurses all volentired to help me with my homework. They are such girly girls and fun. 

Car Issues
Well I was able to pay all of my back car payments with my vacation time from the old job. So I was finally caught up with my car paymens and my mortgage. ANd them my transmition goes out in the truck. My truck is still under warenty but I don't have the extra cash to pay my deductible and labor. So I am catching a ride with my mother in the am and my husband is picking me up in the pm. I absolutely hate it. 

Tax scare
Well I have been looking foward to getting my taxes done so I can free up alot of my money and on Saurday I get a coupon from the IRS saying that I didn't claim my state tax from 06. I am sure that I did so now I have to find my tax return and take to the agency who filed my return. AHHHHHHH!!!!! Just what I needed more stress!!!!!!!! 

Weight
I have gained some weight and I am pissed about it. I am not eating breakfast just a cup of coffee and a lean cuisen for luch and my normal dinner. But I am fitting kind of snug on my pants these days. As soon as I am able to go grocery shopping I will stock up on my stuff to bring to lunch. I was thinking of calling to get a fill but I don't know If I should wait. I'll call Daniel to see what she thinks. 

School
Is going great ! I am taking my last math class and Psy child development. both my proffesors are really nice and teach really good. I have a ton of home work but I can do it since I have no car I stay in for lunch and do my home work . 

Family
My husband has started school too. and he is really excited I haven't seen him this happy since he bought his motorcycle. He is busy studding too so my 7 year old has been acting up. I have gotten 2 calls from the teacher and a letter from the after school program. They all say that he is disturbing the class and acting like he is out of control. So I call his pshyc to see if we can learn together about ways to express our selves in a possitive way. I will not let them try to push drugs on him. I think the major thing is that it has been so cold that he hasn't been abe to go out side and burn some energy. I am looking into finding a kid gym. If I get a refund back I want to put him in one. but in the mean time I have bundled him up and have been making him walk wih me. That has worked a little.

Looking at my face in the mirror I am looking so old. My skin does not look good at all. This roseasea is back with a vengence and my face is breaking out and my pores are so large. I am looking into some affordale producs that might help. So far I have tryed Pro active and am alergic to it. I have tryed in the past the Aveeno and it did help but I still had alot of break outs. I want to try that new avon dermabration prouct that is comming out. but I need something for the breack outs. I am going to ask around to see what everyone else is using.

Well today was my last day at work and boy did it pass by fast. I am so excited about starting the new job on Monday.  It all ended on a good note at the old place and I can truly say that I made a good choice when I decided to move on. 

On a good note I have lost an additional 5 lbs and my hair has completely stopped thinning out so I went and got a fresh cut. I think the hairdresser got a little scissor happy and cut too much but my husband likes it. He says it makes me look younger. My son took some pictures of me the other day and when I looked at them I finally saw my self as skinny. You can barely see my double chin. It felt so good. 

I start school in two weeks. I am happy that I was granted
 a scholarship because I wouldn't have been able to pay for it. I called the car loan comp. and was able to make payment arrangements for the back balance I owe. So as soon as I get my income tax I will be able to get the insurance back on and everything else can be caught up.
 
I guess I rubbed off on my husband because today he told me that he wants to learn how to drive trucks. Because he says that he wants me to be able to go to school full time and maybe we can try again to have a baby. We already have 3 boys 14, 14, and 7.

I thought that was sweet. He knows how much I want to have a baby girl. It just caught me of guard one minute he says I am to old to be a nurse the next minute he wants me to pursue it full time. This man is all over the place. I guess I am not the only one that is emotionally unstable in this house hold. 

I am determined to make it this year. I did it! I posted my resume online at 4 different sites and it paid off. I got a job ten minutes away from home. At a private fertility practice that is giving me a pention, 100% paid health insurance and a 401 k plan with 3% put in even if I don't invest in it and I am making him same money I was in Norwalk without the gas expense. I am so excited. Now I have to go and remove my resumes from all the sites. 

ooohoooo! I can’t wait until I see the reaction on my bosses face.When he reads my resignation letter. That will teach hi a$$ stop being such a$$ to his staff. We used to be 4 and now their is 1. I feel bad for Jan my co worker she seems to think that because she is older she can't find another job. I am praying for her.

i have had a ruff year. i guess there is a leason somewere in there for me. i am going to make it becaue ive worked to hard to just give up. i can do it! because i am a strong woman.
now if i can just get my shiet together. i'll be just fine.

I am feeling so much better right now. I believe the meds are kicking in. WOW I was in a really bad place for about two weeks before I felt better. i went back and read my journal and I scared my self. Well financially we are in a better place finally. I am working a part time in addition to my 9 to 5. So I am busy maybe that is why I am sleeping and not stressing anymore. 
i am so happy that I am finally almost back to my normal self. I canceled my appointment for a fill twice because I want to make more of an effort. I am back on track and have given up the bubbles(seltzer water). I so I am giving my self till the end of the month to loose ten pounds. I think I can make it. What do you think?

Well I am having a kind of a wishy washy day. I am tired and cold and hungry. My son's Chris and Ahmani finally talked me into putting up the tree. It took me 2 hours to replace the blown out lights. (it's a pre light tree) And to put the ornaments. I remember being so miserable doing all this but then seeing their smiles made me forgot how moody I was and just started enjoying my time with my boys. It's amazing how happy this time of year is for the kids.  I can;t believe how big my boys. I wish I didn't have to work so I could enjoy my time with them. But reality is that I have to work. 

i was able to run fo 15 min today on the treadmill. I am so proud of my self.

Well I made it thru the holiday and did not gain any weight. It was really hard to not snack all day long Thursday and Friday but I made good choices. Their is nothing like sugar free frozen orange jello with maundering orange piece in it. That’s my new snack preference. I can't get enough of the stuff!

I have been depressed due to changes at work I have so much responsibility and not making enough money so I can't stop living from paycheck to paycheck. Since I can't eat any more I just get stressed out , I have been put back on blood pressure meds and migraines meds. They are hand in hand. If I get a migraine it is a sure sing that my blood pressure is high.

So I am asking my self what I can do to help my self out of this depression so I am going to go see a Psych and I put my résumé online. Hopefully I will hear from another employer after the holidays. I am thinking of going back to school and completing my requirements for the Nursing program. My husband says I am to old to be a nurse because I all of my responsibilities I won’t be able to concentrate. I got all sh**ty about it and could have knocked him out but after thinking about it he may be right. But just to have the last word I am going to at least make an attempt. This ha been a dream for me all my life and knowing me I will be so disappointed if I don’t even try it. So for the New Year I have set some goals for me to try to achieve.

#1 find a job that will make me happy!

#2 re enroll at gateway for two classes Math 095 and soc 101

#3 refinance my home to make some much needed repairs and upgrades.

#4 continue taking my meds as directed.


My good OH friend T sent me a message that touched in a special way so I am posting just to shear how wonderfull our friends can really be.
A.~

I just read your profile update.
If I may, I have some comments...

Stress and depression... and  how it effects us post op ... meaning ... food can't fix it.
I have found that    EXERCISE  has helped me greatly with stress management.
So while you are looking at a therapist, do look at adding some gentle exercise to your daily routine.
Even if it is a 20-30  min walk.

As for your dreams...
With all due respect to your husband and his concerns... (men can be way too logical at times)
YOU ARE NEVER TOO OLD to start something especially a DREAM you have had for so long.
My mother started her latest venture at 73 and that was almost 20 yrs ago. She is still going strong at 89.
Is this not why we lose the weight? TO LIVE FULLY?
I encourage you to at the very least look into what you can do with reference to the Nursing Dream you have.

Your goals below seem very reasonable.
Write them out and and post them somewhere so you will see them each day.

#1 find a job that will make me happy!  <<<< in the process of doing the same myself!

#2 re enroll at gateway for two classes Math 095 and soc 101  <<<< awesome

#3 refinance my home to make some much needed repairs and upgrades.  <<<< upgrading our home as we speak.

#4 continue taking my meds as directed.  <<<< bravo... very important to be consistent.

JUST REMEMBER.. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU PUT YOUR HEART AND MIND TO.
Listen to the wise woman within. She will guide you.

T.

I got a fill on Friday and I thought I would feel some restriction, but I don't feel any different. I am still hungry all the time again. I wonder if I stretched my pouch. I sort of been cheating I have been drinking seltzer water as a reward to my self for getting thru my day at work without wanting to hurt someone. I just love the bubbles. I don't guzzle it I sip it as I  a take a long bubbles bath.  I know I know I should not do it but I can't give everything up! 
I sat down today and read my journal just to remind my self of were I was to where I am now. I just can't believe I have lost about 68 lbs.  I am so happy! I never thought that I would ever able to be a size 14 ever again in my life.  It hasn't been easy but if it weren't for Dr. Floch and Daniel I would still be on 6 different meds and still felling like crap all the time. I really love these people at FCB. I ordered this chocolate basket for everyone in the office today I am going to drop it off when I go in for another fill in a week or too.  I really can't believe what I have been able to achieve with my weight. Maybe by one year I can be at my goal weight of 160. That means that I am going to have to get up do some serious exercise. I haven't used my treadmill for a month.