angelework
A Six Month Nudge
Feb 27, 2011
One of the benefits that I can see (or am I just making excuses?) of the gap since my last post is the ability to put into perspective the events of the past five months. It makes the times I ate a meal only to get sick immediately afterwards just a day among many days. It makes the distress over hair loss just a nuisance to deal with in my morning routine. It makes the frustration of recurring urinary tract infections almost just a memory. I'm writing from a good place today and these events all pale in comparison to where this journey has taken me.Yes, I am 6 months out (as of January 25). My life has changed in more ways than I dreamed possible. And I've learned that although life changes, it's a manageable, liveable, even desired change in the way that I look at food and how I care for myself. I have to give much of the credit for the progress I have made to the amazing man in my life. My good friend Joe and I began dating right around the time I had surgery. He has been my cheerleader, my source of undying support, my vitamin-taking monitor, and voice of concern and encouragement when things aren't going quite right. On New Year's Eve, he became my fiance and I couldn't ask for a better person with whom to spend the rest of my life.
Over the past six+ months, I have lost more than 75 pounds. I have not been obsessed by the scale -- I barely pay any attention to it -- but I am hopeful that I'l be able to lose another 15 or so yet.
And I've lost enough hair that I started to make predictions -- that I'd be bald by Christmas, by New Year's, by Valentine's Day. (None of which came true.) Seriously, the hair loss was expected, but not welcomed with open arms. I hated seeing it on my pillow, clogging the drain in the shower, gathering in corners in the bathroom. But I haven't gone bald -- and I am thinking that the loss has significant slowed down. I deliberately cut my hair shorter in anticipation of needing to make some styling changes, but I suspect I am the only one who really noticed a change.
I quickly outgrew (or they outgrew me) -- and passed on or donated -- nearly everything in my closet. I started this journey wearing an 18W and 2x tops. Today, I'm wearing mainly size 12 pants and skirts -- and thinking that size 10 is not terribly far off. And an xl/l in tops. Joe and I spent New Year's in California and one rainy evening went to an outlet mall where I shopped like a kid in a candy store at Ann Taylor and J. Crew. Everyone seems to have one of those "wow" moments on the journey; mine was at J. Crew when the cute little store clerk offered advice on pants to me. She looked at me and said, "I generally wear a size 12, but these pants are meant to be worn fitted, so I am wearing a 10. I can't imagine you needing anything more than a 12." I took them, thinking that I'd just tell her I didn't like the style or that they were too long (rather than admit that I couldn't even get one leg into them). I never dreamed that they would fit -- and that I'd look cute wearing them. That was the moment that I almost cried. A stylish, youthful store. And me, wearing cute fitted pants. It is amazingly wonderful to try on "regular" size clothes and have them fit. It is amazingly wonderful to wear a t-shirt -- and a sweater over it -- and not feel that I look like a marshmallow. It is awesome to wear skirts. And be noticed.
To be fair and completely honest, it's not an easy journey. I still struggle with meat. I'm never quite sure if it's going to sit right -- or whether I will get sick. But, getting sick is less frequent. I have tried nearly everything -- even chocolate -- and I have come to know that I really don't like the feeling when I've had too much of anything. So, while I don't totally steer away from anything, I am (slowly) learning to have a realistic sense of what and how much I can have. (I aspire to have a healthy relationship with food -- not to create rigid rules for myself.) I make mistakes. And pick myself back up.
I'm looking forward to spring and walking outside -- and to taking a belly-dance class that starts at the end of March. I definitely don't have toned arms and am not yet comfortable with the thought of wearing tank tops with nothing to cover them this summer. My tummy is saggy. But having someone in my life who loved me exactly as I WAS -- and who never fails to tell me how gorgeous I am ALWAYS -- goes a long way in helping me build my self confidence. I thought at one time that plastic surgery was a given. Now, I don't feel that strongly. Sure, it would be nice to have breasts that are confident and perky (as opposed to their current small and droopy state) -- and it would be nice to have a tight, flat stomach. But I feel good when I look in the mirror -- despite those little bits of me that show that I'm nearly 51 and have lost a good bit of weight.
What bothers me most is my neck. The sagginess and wrinkles there bother me more than anything. I suppose partly because I can't hide it beneath clothes quite so easily. If I were to change anything, that would be it. But, we'll see.
How I got this far, what I did, what I didn't do: I am now a fairly conscientious vitamin-taker. I tried a couple different ways of tracking and packaging but we've found (thanks Joe) that putting a week's worth in the tiny-est Tupperware containers that I can drop into my purse makes it likely that I'll finish them during the day. I take 2 Flintstone Complete vitamins, 3 Viactiv (caramel is my favorite), Vitamin B12, Vitron C (iron & vitamin C), Vitamin D, and an allergy tablet. What I am NOT taking any longer is: high blood pressure medication, high cholesterol medication, and anti-depressants.
To the last medication, I will be the first to say that there is no medical evidence to suggest that post WLC patients can expect to stop taking anti-depressants. And that anyone even considering it should do so only under a doctor's supervision. I have been fortunate, although my prescription was filled and I was prepared to start taking them again if this Minnesota winter started to affect me strongly. But, I've been mainly okay and I'm getting more of the sunshine I crave, and so I include the anti-depressants as one of the medications I've been able to walk away from.
I am conscious of eating protein first (although, as I said it's still an "iffy" thing for me), but otherwise let my body tell me what it's craving -- and how much it needs. I realize that as weight loss slows and I am excercising more that I need to have a better method of tracking foods, so that is among my goals. It has been easy for me to go out for lunch and for dinner and find something I can eat. Kids-size meals are great and I am thankful for restaurants that graciously allow others to order off that menu, as well. I sometimes will order soup or some small item off the appetizer menu and then just have a few bites of the protein from Joe's meal. And that's worked well, too. But, I've also taken home countless to-go boxes when my head tells me I really want something -- and my body tells me it's done eating well before the food is gone.
The past six months have been a lesson in self-love as much as a weight loss journey. I like to think I'm succeeding at both.
