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It has been exactly 4 weeks since I've been home from the hospital; and I am doing well (physically).
1 Week - 321
Day of surgery - 310
2 days after surgery - 324
1 week post-op - 309
4 weeks post- op - 295

I feel as if although I have made progress, I am at a stand still. I have been "stunk" at this 29 pound weight loss and I can't lose anything further. I am, I guess getting a little discouraged, and left with the question of, "what am I doing wrong?" You often times hear people say they have dropped so much weight so fast. Perhaps I am simply being too hard on myself; but not being is very difficult for me. I worry that something ill-mannered will or is going wrong and I will be found back in the hospital---bottom line is, I must be patient with the process. The soild true is, I am excited to see what I will look like and the many ways my life will forever change!

Tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of my WONDERFUL life! I believe in my heart that so many wonderful things will come as a RESULT of having WLS. I am not solely looking forward to wearing smaller sizes, looking better in pictures; but a new found level of self-confidence, life without meds (only vitamins), greater abilities and the list streams on. There are times (at least among those I am closest to) when people view wls as something that results in death; and the heightened benefits from it are lost in such a negative view. I remind myself now, that I am not having this surgery for my mom whom I love dearly, my brothers or my best friend; but rather, I am doing this for ME, because I deserve to LIVE life to its fullest!!!! Tomorrow will be the "official" day that my "new life" will begin...there will be an array of changes and transformations occurring in my life and I WELCOME THEM ALL! I speak that all changes will be for my good!!!!! I will be better then I have ever been!!! I am looking forward with great anticipation to meeting the new me!

So, I have exactly 7 days before D-day...if you look at the representation of the number 7 it means to be complete. This to me means that my "old" life as I know it will be complete, finished, over, expired, gone; and my new life of prosperity, health and wholeness will begin its journey.

I have already begun getting my things organized in terms of washing my clothes and putting them in position of easy access. I will also go to the grocery store and buy all my "goodies" - sugar free...., water, jell-o, etc. And last but not least clean my place. I figure if I have most everything I need in place, I will not feel as if I am being an imposition to those who God sends to help me during my recuperation time.  Although I don't kow who these someones will be, I am doing my part as I will trust God to send the help!

Today and the last couple of days I have been finding it difficult not to feel sad. Support feels different when those closest to you merely supports you out of "obligation" and not for the pure existence of being happy for you. My closest friend sent me a text and told me that she had done some research on my upcoming surgery and the first thing she said was "people die from this"...she went on to say, "but not you you will do fine, we will support you because this is what you want to do. I don't try to talk you out of it because I know you are going to do what you want to do..." I sense the concern but the very thought of them not being "happy" for ME and the great ways MY life will change is saddening! I am however coming to realize that my "unique" support is not going to come from those whom I suspected; and I have just come into the realization that, that is okay. I will rest myself in God's hands and trust that because He has released me to do this, that He will sustain me through ALL of it; so this let's me to know that God will NEVER leave me, because this surgery is a life-changer.

Today makes 20 days until my surgery! I think with each passing day, my emotions grow more intense. I find myself worring about who will take care of me afterward. I am the one who takes care of...I am trying to trust that God has people lined up to come to my aide! I worry myself that my mom will have to take off too much work just for me...God give me peace!

Let's see where do I begin?? Just like many others, I have had trouble with my weight what seems like my entire life. Coupled with trying to defeat being "fat", I was trying to overcome low self-esteem. Needless to say these two do not make a good couple. I became such an emotional eater. I just knew that I was the ugliest thing that God could have ever created and I was upset with Him for creating me! My daddy was the greatest man I had ever encountered, even with all his faults. He would always tell me how beautiful I was and he didn't care if I grew as big as a van; we would still love me. I thought this was impossible for someone to do and I didn't want to be as big as a van. There was no way that I could be loved, I was just too large. After my dad died (7 years ago), my world seemed to have stopped. I think this because I was no longer getting that validation that I so needed to feel half-way worthy of being loved by someone. It took many and much for me to realize that I am lovable and that I am somebody special.
 
After going about life attempting MANY weight loss programs and being unsuccessful with each of them, I decided that I would pursue weight loss surgery. MY insurance approved me within 2 weeks. My response was, I am sure they have grown tried of me always going to the doctor. Oh yes, I have been sick off and on all through my life, with no "real' diagnosis; besides I needed to lose weight. While going through the process of seeing many counselors and attending some classes at my local church, a change transpired within me. I am at this moment unable to say exactly what happened or even the exact moment that it happened it; but do you know what it is like to be sad, depressed and lonely your entire life and then one day you realize that you have not had any of those symptoms for months.

I go about life now with a peace that I've never known; and the ability to say when I am feeling dis-eased in any way...that is a HUGE step for me. Now that my life is about to undergo a dramatic change with the surgery and possibly embarking upon another romantic relationship, grad-school; as well as, some spiritual questions that is ever present...I don't know who I am involving into. I know it is someone beautiful and happy, I just don't know who this person is YET...I will keep you posted as I gain more insight!