Jen the Fa-shoe-nista

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I know, I don't post a lot anymore.  I'm sorry.  I get in these phases and right now I am not in my internet phase.  I am usually so mentally wiped out by the time I get home that all I do is veg out, lying in my bed.  There's nothing new to write about, weight wise.  My weight remains between 165 and 170 on any given day.  I am steady in a size 12, mostly due to my loose belly skin.  A tummy tuck is not even an option, financially, so it is what it is.  I just had to get new bras in a size 34DD.  I have never worn a 34 band.  EVER.  Still a DD due to the saggy loose skin.  *sigh*  Alas, it could always be worse.  I don't have a heck of a lot else to update.  I am taking my son and my husband to Disney for the first time ever (for both of them) in a few weeks.  It's my son's 4th birthday, and my husband has somehow never been despite living in Florida for nearly 14 years.  I am excited for them both, because Disney is so much more fun your first time around.  And I am excited to see how I fit in the rides.  Cheezy and sad but true.  Today is Easter and we're not really celebrating anything so I'm pretty bored.  Nothing is open and I get cabin fever if I'm in my house during the day longer than a couple of hours.  We took our son to the park earlier but now he's napping and I'm bored as hell.

A few months ago, I had my eye on this beautiful turquoise dress at Banana Republic but there was NO way I was gonna pay 130 bucks for it.  Yesterday, I had one of those Friends and Family coupons for Gap/BR/Old Navy and I went in to BR because the sign said there was a big sale.  Indeed there was.  The blue dress was on the sale rack, the ONLY one left, and in my size.  With the clearance price and my coupon I got it for 30 bucks.  YAY!

I was at the beauty supply store a little later and they always ask to see your ID when you pay.  Well, the cashier did the whole "omg that doesn't even look like you" thing so I explained about losing 110lbs, surgery, etc.  I think everyone in the store congratulated me by the end of it all and said I looked great.  That was a pretty nice confidence boost.

I can use situations like that because more and more I feel down about my belly.  It's so stupid.  No matter what jeans or pants I wear and how loose the are (my American Eagle jeans are a 14 and now they're way too big but that's what I was wearing yesterday), I still have a muffin top.  Or rather, a Dunlop tire in the front because my belly "done lopped" over my waistband.  I have a few shirts that I love but no matter how much I stretch out the bottom they still show off the flub.  They're sz XL, too (probably juniors, but still).  I have tried to wear them on three separate occasions but each time I get so annoyed and frustrated that I change so now I'm giving them away.  *sigh*   I have neither the time nor money to have PS but I wish I could have a tummy tuck.  Same can be said for my thighs...I could probably wear a 10 or 11 in lots of pants but because of the loose thigh skin that should NOT be there they look terrible and I have to go a size up (and wear a belt).

I used to post on the lightweight message board here a LOT but I haven't in probably two weeks now.  It's nothing against them.  They're all wonderful but being lightweights, many of them are petite to begin with and often are size 0, 2, and 4 at goal.  Meanwhile, I'm a 12.  It's just like being MO again and being the biggest girl in the room.  Again, my psychological thing to get over but for the time being, I just can't post right now for my mental health's sake.

For my faithful readers, you will recall I had bought a hot pink strapless dress for our holiday party, which was cancelled and replaced with an arcade trip.  I returned it to the store, sadly.  Well, it is now about 4 months later and I went to the Limited to see what was new and because I had a 30% off coupon.  Imagine my surprise to see MY size 12 pink dress on the sale rack.  It had to have been mine...the others sold out almost instantly.  It must have been a sign.  I got my dress back, for $35.  This time around, it was actually a little big (I am truly shocked since I've been fairly stable for a while).  I didn't care, I will have it altered or something.  I know it's satin and really, too formal for work but I also got a white cotton cardigan at the same time and I may just say screw it one day and wear it anyway.

I also went to NY & Company because I had a coupon.  They had a lot of stuff on a good sale and I got $20 bucks off too.  I held up the Larges and they all seemed so big.  I think that store runs big.  Way back 4 years ago when I had gotten down to a 16, I was able to wear their clothes when no one else's would fit (except Old Navy...).  so, I got size Medium tops.  I know it's the cut of them and it's vanity sizing but hey, it's still awesome to buy my FIRST size Mediums, EVER.

Speaking of Old Navy, I don't understand their sizing at ALL.  Their 14's have been saggy & baggy on me for a while now.  Like, months.  I had bought a size 12 once without trying them on and when I finally did go to wear them they were WAY too small.  A couple of weeks ago, I tried again, this time shorts.  Major muffin toppage.  I don't get how the 14 can be HUGE and the 12 can be tight.  I could understand if it were between a 14 and 16 and up...once you get into plus sizes there's more inches between sizes.  But this baffles me.  I pretty much gave up on buying clothes at Old Navy for myself (I still get clothes for DH and son there though).  The bulk of my wardrobe now is from The Limited, NY & Company, and Express (which is also hit or miss...depending on the fabric some Larges are big while others are tight and I can rarely wear their pants other than jeans because of the loose skin in my thighs that makes them look gross).  We have a Guess outlet store in St Augustine that I usually find good stuff but sometimes they have a good sale and other times NOTHING is on sale.  It's kind of far away to go there just to see IF anything is on sale.

*sigh*  I need to do laundry today and grocery shopping, and all kinds of CRAP I just don't feel like.  I wish I could just have one weekend, hell, a DAY with no childcare duties, no chores, no NOTHING to do except what I darn well pleased, just ONCE.  It would be so nice.

I didn't fall off the face of the earth.  I'm still here.  Crap I just realized I'm 13 months out now.  Wow.  I guess after a year, you just sort of stop counting by months.  It's been hellaciously crazy at work the past 3 or 4 weeks and I have NO mental stamina left at the end of the day.  I usually crash on the bed and veg out for a few hours before going to bed.

I managed to lose 4lbs last week from being sick and am now at 164.  I was actually really surprised, because I'd given up on losing anything else.

I don't really have much else to say right now.  I kind of just want to veg out again, heh.

I dunno about where y'all are, but here in Jax everyone seems to be sick with this bug going around like wildfire.  I woke up with it Monday.  Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I had virtually no voice.  Chest congestion, nasal congestion, sore throat, aches, pains, fever... ick.  I braved it out at work all week until Friday I just couldn't and I called out.  I hate that I left them in a bind but that day is what I needed to finally start feeling better.  Today I can breathe again (yay) and just have a little chest congestion left.  My voice has returned to me.

Last week, I decided to order my bikini after all.  I still need to go and get the $3 bottoms but it's not even going to be warm enough in the pool here for another few weeks AT LEAST so I'm in no huge rush.  The suit came in yesterday.  I tried it on and...okay so I'm not in LOVE.  Very few women would admit to thinking they're hot in a swimsuit.  Swimwear models notwithstanding.  But I'm not grossed out and I don't want to cry and THAT is a huge improvement over last year.  My husband thinks it looks okay and he said he wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen in public with me (my question to him, not his statement to me).  Really that's all I cared about.  It's not like I'm trying to impress college guys on the beach.  Sure there's belly flub...oh well.  It's the thighs that bother me more, actually.  Hence, the skirt.  I am going to get some red board shorts too, so I'll have another option.  Hope I'm still as confident in the future when it warms up enough to go to the pool.

Ever since I became domesticated (read: moved out on my own/shacked up with my now-DH) I have been on the hunt for a good vacuum that does the job and doesn't kill my wallet.  Because of this, I have been through at least 3 in 5 years.  We have 3 cats now, and a 3 year old.  I have been longing for a Dyson for years.  But those suckers are like, Investment Pieces that should come with their own stock options and 401k plans.

Finally, my last vacuum has COMPLETELY died and I didn't want to keep asking to borrow my mom's.  Tax returns are the one time of year that we can get things we need but have been putting off because of the price point.  Tomorrow, DH is getting new tires for his car.  Today, I got my Dyson.  I am in lurve.

This thing sucks like a $10 cracked-out hooker in need of cash for her next fix.  I'm sorry, was that vulgar?  Okay, the suction on this machine is AMAZING (better?).  I already knew our carpets were disgusting.  We've been without a vacuum for about a month and even before that I was spotty at best with vacuuming.  The one we had was so finicky about when it wanted to work.  We got the Animal one, which has the largest canister.  I emptied it three times already (in our smallish 2 bedroom apartment) and I haven't even gotten the bathrooms or our son's room.  I was using the wand attachment and all the other things lol.  It came with a whole carpet care kit (which is kind of useless because apartment carpets are lousy to begin with and the spots are permanent).

I got it on sale at Best Buy for about $80 off.  I was having heart palpitations when submitting the order...I'm not used to seeing a price like that.  BUT it comes with a 5 year built in warranty and if it continues to perform as well for at least 5 years it really will have paid for itself.  Gary and I were fighting over who got to vacuum the bedroom (the place where the cats hang out most and thus, most "hairy").

I've been off since Friday and still have so much more to do.  We're getting DH's tires tomorrow and while they're doing that I need to re-stock my makeup (Bare Minerals, I love it), buy my swimsuit (I need to do it while I have the money, or I never will), go back to Target (I always end up forgetting stuff), go to BJ's, and if there's any luck at all I want to go tan also.  I'm tired just thinking about it.

Yes, I know I resolved to be a better money-spender and buy less clothes.  The thing is, any time there's an excuse for a sale (President's Day) + this crappy economy = great bargains to be found.  We have a Dillards clearance center here in a dying mall (it used to be a very busy mall but other, newer, better places have been built and this one is truly dying.  It's kind of sad to see so many closed stores).  A couple of weeks ago I bought the blue flowered dress in my profile pic for 17 bucks (retail about 60) and a pair of Calvin Klein shorts for 12 (retail 58...who pays $58 for shorts??!)

So today I went in search of some things to fill in the holes in my wardobe.  I found this AWESOME Kenneth Cole black dress...it has an exposed zippe from top to bottom down the middle and cap sleeves...retail 128, I got it for 21.  Hah!  Size 12, baby!  I also got a hot pink skirt with grey colorblocking for 2 bucks.  Yes, 2 bucks.  I need to go back and get some red swimwear bottoms (3 bucks) because...

I decided I AM going to get the cherry-print swimsuit I previously blogged about:

I tried on a similar top at the Venus store today.  Much to my surprise, it was good coverage and pretty good support for not being an underwire.  The other top style (the zebra print one) did not have enough coverage.  It would be okay if your boobs weren't deflated but mine are, heh.  I am hoping I don't wuss out and get scared of showing my belly.  It ain't pretty but you know, it's what I have to work with now.  I am going to get the skirt but it doesn't have attached bottoms.  So I can get the cheap bottoms at the clearance store and wear the skirt over them.

I also went to Belk (another department store, about the same price point as Dillards).  I fianlly found some white jeans I liked.  All of them currently out are skinny leg.  I can do skinny leg in a dark wash but NOT in white!  So these have a flare leg and grey stitching.  Those were on sale for 30.  I also got two pairs of Red Camel khakis for, you'll never guess, 5.50 each!  I love clearance!  I love extra 40% off clearance!  I love sz 13!

I then got a fuscia sweater vest from Express for 12 (also 40% off clearance).  I know it sounds like I got a lot but really, I edited my choices down to just things I *really* needed or that could help diversify my wardrobe.  Now I need some awesome red heels...I have a pair of slingbacks but they're suede and they look like of dull.  Also, they don't go with what I need red shoes for...I need classic pumps and I'd like them in a red leather.  Hopefully more of a "cherry" red than a bright, fire engine red (I'm an artist, we differentiate between such things...like how goldenrod is not the same as lemon, and for goodness sakes don't just call it yellow).

A side note about Venus (the swimwear place): I have never EVER had a suit from a specialty store.  My suits have always come from Target or Walmart (except for last year's Newport News which I never wore).  Specialty store swimwear (like Everything But Water, Roxy or other such places) have always filled me simultaneously with dread and longing.  Dread for the obvious reasons...I didn't even used to wear shorts - swimwear was out of the question.  And longing because the stuff was so cute, I could only WISH I could wear something like that.  Swimwear will always be the bane of womankind's existence so at least I can know that as insecure as I might feel in my suit, 90% of the other women out there will be feeling the same.  AAAAnyway, this will be a very special purchase for me, and a definite FIRST.  I can't believe I'm going to spend the amount that I am on it (again, I am used to 16.99 at Target) but it is sort of a "reward".  Now I just need to do some crunches, heh.

What's up y'all.  Not really a wls-related update, just feel like writing and don't want to post on Myspace.  I feel a little silly.  I go through these phases of wanting to know what is going on with people I used to know, and then saying "Screw them!  They fucked me over, I don't need them in my life!"  And while it's true that in most if not all cases I do NOT need these people in my life, I can't stop being nosy.  Damn internet and making information so easy to find.

On a totally un-related note, I wore a skirt to work today.  It's finally warm enough (70's) to wear one and not freeze.  There's a guy at work who always looks entirely surprised when he sees me in something other than pants.  It cracks me up every time.  It's almost like it's the first time he's ever seen a girl (though you will note he has a girlfriend and lives with her lol).  I can't pick on him too much though.  Besides my husband, this guy is one of the nicest guys I have ever met.  He's just like this big-hearted puppy dog or something.  I think that's why I adopted him and his girlfriend as my friends lol.  Yes, I've taken to adopting friends.  That's a whole other story.  (And yes, I did say my darling dh is a nice guy.  LOL  He is nice...he can just be an annoying brat sometimes too.  But at heart he is a good guy).

Once again, we will be missing Valentines Day this year.  Last year it was due to surgery, of course.  This year it's lack of money.  Sigh.  I think we will go to dinner on another night instead but still, it's the principle of the thing.  It's not the same as celebrating the day with all the other people.  ...  I think this is why I am constantly at odds with myself.  On the one hand I'm very introverted and sometimes shy.  Then on the other, I love being out and doing things that other people are doing at the same time.  Being a part of a big group, but not one where you're forced to interact with the others (if that makes sense).

I always have to order my shoes from Aldo.  They don't carry 41's in the stores so I usually have to have them shipped to me.  The problem is, there is ALWAYS some kind of drama with deliveries.  It's really pissing me off.  The two I most recently ordered were supposedly delivered on 2/5.  Yet somehow, I never got them.  I don't understand.  What the hell am I supposed to do with NO merchandise, and a UPS tracking number that claims it was delivered?  I have had this problem with other merchants before but never Aldo.  I sent a message to customer service and have yet to hear back.  Their message says they are experiencing heavy call volume lately and it may take a while.  Grrrrr

Last year, I was still about a size 18/20 when I was contemplating my swimsuit.  That's still not a "readily available" size when trying to find something cute and decidedly NOT plus sized.  I bought about 3 different suits and never wore a single one.  I re-used one I'd bought 4 years prior, basic, boring black.

This year I am not quite sure what I want to do.  On one hand I feel somewhat ok with my midsection.  I HATE my thighs, though.  I know I have loose skin in my belly area.  But I kind of feel like....

Have you ever seen some of the people at the beach (or the pool)?  I live in Florida.  People seem to have no shame at all in wearing swimwear no matter WHAT they look like.  And really, more power to them.  I was always more shy about it.  But if those people don't care what others think then why should I?  Who exactly am I trying to impress?

I may change my tune in the dressing room.  But for the first time in a LOOOOONG time, I am willing to give a non-tankini two-piece a shot.  Last year, I posted photos of a few suits I loved.  One of them was a zebra print one.  They still have it available this year.  I like the top a lot.  I like the bottoms too but there's no way I'd wear them alone.  I would probably put it with some black board shorts.



I don't know if it will be supportive enough for the droopy chest I now have  =)  They have a skirt coverup (same style as the next picture) but I might do shorts instead.



I LOVE this suit too.  The cut and the print is so retro and pin-up.  This top looks like it might be a little more supportive.  They have an underwire style too in this same print.  I could also do a red board short but I think the skirt goes with the vibe more.

So, I dunno if I'm ready for it (mentally) but I am willing to give it a shot and try it on.

1 year out.  Holy crap!  Celebrated with some new pics (there are quite a few, may need to "view more" to see them all.  I even made my own magazine cover (ha!) with my sz 24 pants and my "after" shot.  I've always wanted to have my own "Family Circle" "Half their size" article hehehe.  Will blog more later.  Am tired now.