bella80

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Feels like only yesterday I was laying in hospital, wishing i was dead! lol. Oh nausea, I shall never forget thee! I remember the exact images I had in my head of what I would (hopefully) look like after it was all over with!  I LONGED to wear a pair of jeans!  Now I live in bloody jeans! lol

Things have changed a LOT since surgery. I'm now married and have a beautiful little daughter who my husband and I adore! 

Weight wise? I'm 72kg. When I fell pregnant I was back up to 81kg and I blame that largely on massive alcohol consumption! What else could have caused the increase? Cartons upon cartons of beer are my supposition! As soon as I was pregnant everything changed. Obviously I stopped drinking, but also... morning sickness kicked in. 39 weeks of fucking hell! No word of a lie! I put on 3kg for the entire pregnancy and the Doctors held real concerns for my daughters well being. Thankfully, she was perfectly healthy! 2.8kg, aka 6lb-ish.

I suspect RNY did make my pregnancy a little more difficult... though without RNY would I ever have been able to conceive? RNY also made the gestational diabetes test pretty much impossible (though we made multiple attempts, one ending VERY badly in a disabled toilet cubicle at the hospital!  Sweet Jesus it was horrendous!) To be expected though, as how can you drink a liquid FULL of sugar, to measure your body's reaction when you have had RNY? I barely made it out alive after attempting to drink that shit!  The first time ended in vomiting in the foyer of the hospital and an inability to drive for about 24 hours, and the second, well, lets just say it came out just as fast... but I didn't vomit!

Five days after giving birth I was 12kg lighter than when I got preggers... WINNING! It was like I had seriously won the lotto! lol. I am afraid that once I cease breastfeeding I will have a regain, but only time will tell. If I do, I have it in my power to get back on top of things, as it's only a few kg to lose, rather than 50 odd! It's do-able!

Head wise, where am I? Hmmmm. I would like to be 5kg lighter, but I'm not going to get depressed about it or anything! Priorities! My little family is my first priority now! Not how I look in a pair of jeans... though I would LOVE to lose that 5kg. lol. 

I stress a little that I might make my daughter fat. She's barely 5 months old and I'm worried she is chubby. I'm told it is a WONDERFUL thing to have a baby who is exclusively breastfed and such a healthy weight... I just don't want her behind the 8-ball in life.

I have another friend who is soon to be joining us... Jemma!  The countdown is on my friend!  I am SO excited for you and will be there in spirit with you!

I am saving a seat for you on the loser's bench!  Hurry up and join us!

Love you Jem Jem!

xxxx

Here are some pics of my little family! I was 6 months pregnant in the wedding photo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have recently celebrated my 3 year surgiversary!  I am currently heavier than normal, but am 27 weeks pregnant, so I guess that is cause to celebrate! 

The only problem is I am constantly vomiting! Eating ANYTHING, regardless of content or size seems to result in nausea, vomiting and a racing heart. I feel like I have my old lap-band life back and am spending my life with my head over at toilet :(

 It turns out, even when you are FINALLY skinny, you can be even more fucked up in the head. I am having serious issues with anxiety and depression and transfer addiction. But, the question remains.... Would I rather be fat and a "bit" normal, or skinny and a total coconut??? I choose coconut and skinny!  How do others feel?

Everyone says I'm thin enough now and have lost enough weight that I should be happy... That is not reality though, is it? When will I be happy? Has anyone out there lost enough that they have found themselves truly happy with how they look?

People ask if I'm happy now and it's as if I don't have the right to answer truthfully and say that 'no, I'm not happy'. When I say I want to lose more it's as if I must not be appreciative of how much I've lost so far. I am appreciative, I'm just not happy with how I look and it makes me feel selfish. Should I feel happy? Am I being unrealistic? Do I have a skewed view of my own body now? 

I've put a lot of thought into this and I think the problem is that when I think of my body I think of it naked, which is when I'm least happy with how I look. People see me in my clothes, when I look 'acceptable', but they should appreciate that is not how I see myself. I know people must think it's attention seeking to say 'no, I'm not happy with my body or how I look', but this is the reality. 

Anyway. Time for a more up to date after 'underwear' pic. Maybe if people saw my body reality they would understand why I can't honestly say I'm happy with my body now. I must add though, I am STOKED and appreciative of the weight I have lost and do not regret my RNY. I should clarify that I love my body compared to my old one, but honestly don't just love it... Or even like it.

Must add, I do feel if I had plastic surgery to get rid of the excess skin/fat then I do believe I would be happy. Is that nuts? Would I simply STILL crave more? Would I then want to fix something else? Least if I got the body lift/tummy tuck that would ALSO drop me a few more kg. Anyway, reality is I will never have money for plastics. 

Ciao.

Hayley

 
How VERY exciting! My closest girlfriend is having RNY on March 10, 2011!  Can't believe I will have a real life person to share this experience with.

I'm really hoping those close to her don't do what so many we know have done to us and "shit" all over her plans. You know those people, the ones who suggest you can simply 'do it yourself with some willpower', the ones who say that 'it's too drastic and dangerous and you're making a mistake?' Then there are my all time favorites, the ones who say NOTHING when you lose 100lbs... The ones whose silence says it all and makes clear how jealous they are that we have succeeded. We all have people like this in our lives, unfortunately.

Anyway, I'm saving you a seat on the loser's bench Alison, can't wait for you to join us! I'll see you there on March 10 and I'll be by your side the whole way!

Love you.

Hayley

Even though my mind has not yet caught up with my body and I still feel fat, in reality I know that I am not. I can see a difference in photos, and in fact, I am always shocked when I see myself in pics or even a full length mirror. So, this is still new new enough to me that I haven't caught up mentally, but I am already living with an almost debilitating anxiety that it is all going to go away and I'm going to wake up fat again one day. Does anyone else live with this fear? Perhaps it's normal. It's a feeling of fear, anxiety and guilt over the ease at which I lost the weight. Yes, I have stopped eating sugar (thanks to dumping), but the reality is that I have a pretty normal diet now and don't count calories (haven't done since surgery) and it's terrifying me. 

I feel like the size of my meals has slowly crept up. I can eat two pieces of pizza. Yes, pre-surgery I could eat an entire pizza (8 slices), but now two pieces scares me. I know that I don't have a normal size RNY pouch, due to the damage that my lap-band did to my stomach, but I still have feelings of being out of control.

Anyway, Christmas is done and dusted. A new year about to begin, and hopefully the maintenance of this weight loss.

Here's some Xmas pics. 

Hayley

 

 

1 Year post-op. Goal weight reached, 68kg.... 149lbs

 
So!  I reached my goal weight a couple of weeks ago!  YAY! 

I'm actually 2kg below my goal weight now!  (4.4lbs).  My BMI is now NORMAL!!!!  I'm no longer morbidly obese, obese, pre-obese, overweight... NONE OF THOSE! 

I weigh 68kg!  (149lbs!)

Where to from here? I guess it's all about maintaining from here on out.... Though, I think I want to set a new goal. How many of you have done that? Is it common to reduce your goal once you reach it?

I think I'm going to set my new goal at 62kg (136lbs). Not too sure if that's even reasonable, but I'm going to give it a go!

Goal weight photos....

 

Four days ago was my one year since RNY! I can't believe it's been that long! Where has the time gone? 

It has been an incredible journey and I never thought that one year later I would look and feel like this. I'm still not 100% happy with where I'm at and would like to lose a few more kg, but considering where I've come from, I'm stoked!

I celebrated my one year surgaversary away from home and in Cairns at the Great Barrier Reef with my boyfriend. Hmmmm, there's another thing I didn't think I'd have one year later, a boyfriend!  It's weird where life can take you. One year after laying in that hospital bed feeling like I was dying I was on a beach, in my swimmers, with my boyfriend! hahaha. So weird!

Here are some photos from our holiday.

Happy surgaversary to all those who also shared October 6th with me as their surgery date.

xxxx


 












































 

My one year surgerversary is fast approaching and I'm STUCK, STUCK, STUCKITY, STUCK! Running has gone out the window with the commencement of major cramming for exams. I've neglected my university work for the last 13 weeks so have had 13 weeks of work to catch up on in a matter of around two weeks.... And that's times two!  Two subjects with 13 weeks of work, so essentially..... 26 weeks of work to do in two weeks :( My final exam is on September 3rd and I hope I bloody pass!!

Anyway.... Weight wise I'm stuck at that (un)magical number of 72kg (158lbs) and it's haunting me, I swear! I think I know a big part of my problem.... BEER! Pre-op I wasn't much of a drinker, but now I drink at least 3 beers a night. Time to curb this habit before it gets out of control!

On the relationship front, it is my boyfriends birthday in october and I'm taking him to Cairns (The Great Barrier Reef)!  He has never been and I'm so excited to be sharing this experience with him!

Flights have been hard to arrange but in the end the only day we could get flights out was October 6th..... MY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!  It took me a few hours after I booked the flights to realise the importance of the date!

I remember laying in that hospital bed 12 months ago and thinking 'where will I be in one year'?  I had to think about that just to get me through the nausea and feelings of wanting to die!

I NEVER could have imagined that exactly 12 months to the day I would be flying out to the Great Barrier Reef with my boyfriend!  I still can't believe it!  I can't wait to go and buy some togs so I can go swimming too!  What a difference one year can make!

Can't wait to celebrate Sumit's birthday and my surgerversary! What makes it more exciting is he thinks I've booked a few days away somewhere local... He's going to die when we head off to the airport on the morning of!

Some pics of the Great Barrier Reef...... CAN'T FRICKEN WAIT!  And also another pic of my lovely man.... I look at him and it blows my mind!  WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING WITH ME!?

Hope all is well....  

Hayley

xxxx