the roughest day yet

Aug 10, 2009

So I am 41 days out from surgery. Today has been the toughest day yet, besides the initial pain and the whole stricture thing. Let me say this is the toughest mental day yet. I'm mourning the loss of a friend, comfort and important part of my life. I don't know what to do. I can't turn to food to celebrate, to mourn, to comfort, to cure my boredom, to spend time with family and friends. I can't use food for anything anymore....except to eat 3 small meals a day. I'm tired of eating the same things day in and out. I'm tired of not having rice, pasta, potatoes, rice, fries (yes they're potatoes). I'm upset because I'm not losing weight, I'm upset because I don't know what to do anymore. I don't really have any hobbies or friends to go and do things with. I just hate this whole situation. I'm scared because I'm going to possibly fail. I'm scared I'm going to disappoint everyone. I'm scared I'm never going to have kids. I'm scared that I'm doomed to an early grave. I'm just scared of leaving food behind. It's been a comfort for so long, it's always been there no matter what. Never judging, always listening, always there to wrap me in it's loving aromatic arms and making things better, even for the moment. I understand that stalls happen, I have been through a couple but this current stall has lasted a week. I can't get under 250. I'm tired of people asking me how much weight I've lost, or giving me the "up and down" and looking at me and in their minds comparing me now to the me before and trying to determine if I'm losing enough weight. I'm tired of everyone asking me what I can eat, when I want to eat, where I want to go to eat, what foods I can eat, and what activities I want to do that don't center around food. I just want to take care of myself. Yes I realize people are just trying to be supportive but I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL! People don't typically ask people what they can or can't eat, or how much weight they've lost or what they want to do that doesn't center around food. Yes I know I'm losing weight, even if it's slowly, but when someone asks me that and I'm at a stall it just makes me feel like an even bigger failure. Maybe these stupid thoughts are coming from my current carb craving I'm going through. I don't know. All I know is that I don't like feeling this way and I've been feeling like this a lot since surgery. I thought I was ready, but now I don't know, but it's too late to do anything about it. I know I'll live through this, I know I'm strong, I know I can do this, I know that I need my support system that I'm currently rebelling against, I know I need the structure of my diet, even if I have swayed from it the past several days, I do realize tomorrow is a new day and I can start over. I just......I don't know. I just don't know what to fill this void with. I feel as though I have literally lost one of my closest friends. Maybe I'm in the depression stage of the stages of grief. I've been through the denial stage, I thought this was going to be easy in the beginning. Then I got angry that I couldn't eat what I wanted, then I tried the bargaining stage when I attempted the Lee's and KFC chicken but learned I couldn't do that. That means I still have acceptance to go through. I cannot wait to get there.
I never thought this journey would be this difficult. I knew it would be hard, but never this hard. I just hope that I am given the strength I need and the glimmer of hope and wow moments to get me through. Thank goodness for my wonderful husband who has stood by me and suffered through and is always just a phone call away. Without him, I wouldn't have done this and wouldn't have been able to be this far.

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