BigGirlsDoCry
Growing up, I was always very petite. My nickname all through grade school was Peanut. I was raised a vegetarian, and did a lot of gardening and other outdoor activity, such as hiking, bike riding, horseback riding, backpacking, and swimming.
Around age 15, I started to very slowly gain weight. I honestly didn't see the gain, but I was definitely aware of it by age 17. My sister made a few comments, but I led a fairly sheltered life, and didn't get a lot of feedback or critisism from anyone else. My weight gain remained slow and steady, until by age 18 I weighed about 180 pounds.
I sometimes think I began to subconsiously "shield" my body with fat as a way of avoiding the whole dating and relationship arena of life. I had few healthy male role models as a child, and instead suffered mental, physical, and sexual abuse at the hands of several stepfathers and family 'friends'. My real father never lifted a hand to harm me, but unfortunately I was not able to see him very often, at best a few times a year. With him, I always felt treasured, loved, and special. He was a professional racecar driver, and would take me with him when he raced. I'd hang out in the pits all day with his crew, and I loved it! My father died when I was 15, which coincides with the time I started to slowly gain weight. Not sure if these things factor into my weight gain, but it seems feasible to me. (I've never had any counseling or therapy, so these are my own musings.)
I had my first child at 19, and never really lost the 30 pounds I gained while pregnant and after. The same thing happened with all 4 of my kids, and I ended up around 330 pounds, where I've lingered for the past decade. I honestly don't think I'd ever be someone who just keeps gaining and gaining until they end up 600 pounds or more, because I don't consiously diet or watch what I eat, and I've hovered at this weight for a long time. Basically, I eat the right amount of calories to 'maintain' weight, because I don't gain anymore. But, it takes such a herculean effort to drop weight (which makes no sense to me), that no matter if I lose 10, 20, or 30 pounds, I ALWAYS slowly bounce right back up to around 330.
I honestly feel weight loss surgery is the only thing that is going to help me lose a significant amount of my excess weight, and help me keep it off. Since I don't have an eating disorder, and don't eat as a means of self-medicating or avoiding reality, I think it will be a useful tool in helping me return to the size my body is meant to be, more on the petite side than being stocky. I'm looking forward to being healthier, with more energy and ability to do the things I miss. I can't wait to go skiing again, or ride a horse, or go for a long bike ride and not be uncomfortable.
I'm still kind of numb with disbelief that this is happening for me, and I think it will only truly sink in the day I wake up in the recovery room and realize that's it not a dream, it's a reality. The beginning of a whole new life for me!
