bizzy
12-30-06
Dec 30, 2006
Hello everyone. I just got done reading my last post and I feel funny now for what I'm about to write. In general I'm an extremely happy and positive person, but tonight I'm feeling really bad. Depressed is a more proper word for it.
That's why I'm up writing in my log. It really helps to get it off my chest this way. (For those of you who have never tried it, I highly suggest it.)
I have been living with a great deal of stress in the past month or two. Well I suppose it's been about six months when it really began, but it has built up to one huge crescendo and I feel like I'm at some sort of breaking point.
First let me say that everything is good with diet and excercise. I'm like a pit bull in that area. I will allow nothing to change that. I have not gained weight or lost sight of my goals and I'm very proud of that.
I guess I might as well start with where the stress began: WORK. In July my boss and long. long time friend had to give up his business to the person who sold it to him. We just weren't able to pay the bills. So now it's under new management. I did not realize it at the time, and I'm almost certain he has no idea of his impact, but he was one of my best supports. We saw each other every day and he just listened when I needed someone to listen. He never said too much, and he never said that I talked too much. He just listened when necessary. Well, the people who took over are nothing like him at all. In fact they are just the opposite. They are definitely of an older generation where it was apparently acceptable to be racist and biggoted. They also think very highly of themselves and pretty much think it's OK to behave with women any old way they want. I recently discovered that when one of them tried to kiss me. In my entire lifetime I never expected to ever have any sort of sexual harassment come my way. So you see, this is definitely stressful. I know most people think, just leave! Well, if it were that easy I would! I started looking for a job immediately, but at the time the job market in Michigan was, and still is, very hard. I'm also at the point of needing further surgery to have my pannus removed (apron) and some other stuff fixed, and the same insurance will cover this much easier than if I were to start a new job. I'm sure many of you know what it is like to carry this extra weight around while trying to be active and working hard on this great new body. The sores, the rashes and the sheer pain of it just flopping around constantly.
Back in November I made the surgery appointment, but I had to wait. My appointment is set for January 15, 2007. I felt like I was in danger of losing my job all along too, because the new management clearly felt that someone must have been stealing from the company since it was not able to pay the bills. I'm the office manager (pretty much the "everything manager" so of course I'm the most likely target. Fortunately I'm fairly military when it comes to keeping records and there is no way anyone, much less myself, could be stealing when you look at the records. I think they have finally come to this conclusion themselves (since business hasn't been that great for them either), but I still feel like I'm under constant scrutiny. (For the record, I rather die than steal anything from anyone.)
So I have this hovering over me all the while I'm trying to prepare for surgery. I know many of you must know how this feels, the getting ready for surgery part. I'm being as perfect as a person can be. I've stepped up my work-out to be in the best possible shape underneath (muscle-wise) and also to have the best outcome as far as the surgery itself and the long healing process. My diet is incredible. Hell, my doctor wishes his diet was as good as mine! And let's not forget the lingering doubts - "should I be doing this?" "will I be OK?" "is my surgeon the best he can be?" BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Not to mention being off work for 6 to 8 weeks! (Uh-just a little thing called MONEY!)
And now, with only about two weeks to go, I feel like no one can really feel the impact this is all having on me - except me. I'm single, no boyfriend. I've always been the rock for everyone else it seems, and now with this weight loss, it's almost like people think I'm even stronger than I was before! I wish someone, ANYONE, would realize just how weak I feel right now without me screaming like a crazy person! I've tried to say it, but it's as if people just don't believe. Or quite possibly they are consumed by their own daily lives that they just can't see. Or they just assume I'm blathering on and I'll just be all right. I have been a little short tempered, depressed at times and just not myself the closer I get to surgery. At the same time, I feel like I'm rushing to an imaginary finish line of relief because I truly do see this as another new beginning, one step closer to freedom. I just need to keep all of this up another two weeks.
One of the other things is that I'm pretty positive that no one I know personally has ever read my log here. I've told people about it, suggested and even urged them to, but I know no one has. Most people only consider the positive part of what is happening to me, what they can see with their eyes. What they seem to be unaware of is the impact on the inside. I have considered that this may be too much to expect from people.
I can tell you, I for one - CANNOT FREAKING WAIT FOR SOME OF THIS DUST TO SETTLE ON THE INSIDE!
Goodnight. I do feel a little better now. :)
Life - It's what's for dinner!
Nov 07, 2006
8-19-05
I just figured out how to update my profile. This is my last day of work before my surgery on Tuesday the 23rd. I decided to take Monday off to be better prepared for this and so I can relax. I'm a little stressed, probably more and more each day though I am trying to be calm. I'm excited and scared together. I'm getting together with my family Saturday night for some games and a little togetherness. I'm afraid I will cry and someone will think I don't really want to do this. On the contrary-I very much want to do this for the benefits I know will come true. I've always wished for something that will finally help-and finally there is something! I have stayed pretty busy the last two weeks to keep my mind off my nervousness, and getting ready to be off work and at home resting. I know that every time I don't like something I have to do, I anticipate the worst and I'm always pleasantly surprised to find out that it's much less unpleasant than I have imagined it to be. I truly hope this is the same. I do worry a little about how painful this will be. I've had two hernia surgeries and I hope the pain is about as close to that as possible because that was tolerable to me. (I anticipated the worst for those operations too.) I just keep taking this one day at a time and kinda' taking a Zen approach to keep myself calm. I know God has always watched out for me and I don't think this will be any different. So anyway, here I go, wish me luck.
9-21-05
Well it's been about 29 days since my surgery was performed. I started back to work full-time this week. I still get really tired toward the end of the day, but when I wake up I am ready to go. I did not experience any complications during surgery or so far. I got out of the hospital in just 2 days. I was walking around like a pro and doing my breathing exercises without complaint. Those two things really make you feel better in a hurry and I found that they were very important. My pain in the hospital was not very much. A "1" or "2" at the most when I was on the drip. They then gave me an elixir (liquid) pain medication after that. The stuff goes straight into your blood stream after you take it, it seems, so even after I no longer had my IV I still was not in too much pain. I felt like I should have had a little more than was prescribed for when I was home though. It ran out within 3 days taking it exactly as prescribed. I did have the procedure Laparoscopicly, but it does still hurt. It just heals faster so you don't feel bad as long. The medicine really helps you keep up the walking and moving around (and breathing) so you can heal better. Unlike many people I've talked with, the meds did not make me sick at all.
My anticipation of the surgery was a little worse than the surgery itself. The worst part of any surgery to me is when they take the tube out of your throat and you gag several times. This surgery was no different. But the nurses taking care of me were no doubt the best in the business and my fears of allowing someone to take care of a helpless me were thankfully unfounded. They were so amazing to me there that when I went home I missed them.
I haven't had any trouble getting in my protein. I think because I use a good product called Egg & Milk Protein Powder. It doesn't have the aftertaste or smell of some of the other protein powder/liquid products I've tried and it's not gritty either. You can find it in Kroger too. In the health food section. Light blue can. Around 7 or 8 dollars. A little more expensive than the industrial cans you can get at the health/vitamin stores, but I think it's well worth it.
So far everything has been worth it. My fasting sugar levels have been in desirable range for 3 weeks now (after the trauma of surgery was mostly over) and they never were before. I had to take my meds faithfully to control my sugar as well as I did. Now I take about 1/4 of the meds (1/4 of 1 med instead of 4!) since surgery and anticipate being completely off them eventually.
I already have more energy when I wake up and then I get tired out and take a nap.
When I left the hospital I weighed 329. I now weigh 305. Not too bad so far!
9-30-05
I must say, I haven't really been very successful with pureeds. The only thing that I have been really able to tolerate is the cheesy chili recipe in my bariatric book. I have been staying close to my protein shakes and just trying something once a day or every other day to see how I do. Once I was able to eat some mashed potatoes and gravy and be OK. But every time I've tried after that I can't. Today I was able to have a few oysterettes crackers without a problem. I'm feeling my first little depression since the surgery, but it is a woman thing too, adding to it. I guess a lot of people must feel like actually eating food again is way far out there, or may not happen at all, and I think I feel the same at this point. I don't know if people can really wrap their brains around the idea of going cold turkey on eating after a surgery like this (and I mean just regular eating, not over-eating). There are so many unknowns that I don't know how anyone can. You can ask as many questions as you possibly can and still not be prepared for living it.
10-5-05
I'm down about 35 lbs. and now for the first time in about 13 years I weigh less than 300 lbs. which is pretty amazing really. Physically I feel pretty good. Emotionally I'm a little stressed out I guess. I've been a little glum and not really myself. It's not an overwhelming feeling of depression, but a depression nonetheless. I'm way too sensitive and even a little grouchy with my friends, which I'm sure they didn't expect. Hell, I didn't even expect that. When people tell you that you need support after this surgery they are totally correct. I did not know what specifically I would need help with. I'm sure everyone is different. I know my friends will hang in there with me for whatever I need. I just need to remind myself periodically, and need to be reminded by others, why exactly I have done this. I think the testing of foods is wearing on me because it feels like I cannot tolerate anything. Yesterday, I was finally able to tolerate a 1/4 cup of cottage cheese. I was very happy about that. Later, I tried to have a soft scrambled egg and it was the worst reaction I've had yet. Yesterday was the day that I should be able to start trying to incorporate "regular" foods. It was my six week point. I know that the predicted schedule is only a guideline and that everyone goes at their own pace so that is a little reassuring, but I'm still trying to deal with "soft foods" and even pureeds. When the people at the hospital tell you that you need to go slow - they mean it profusely! I just didn't know what that meant specifically. But now I know. I have a doctor's appt. next week and I will have my blood tests done and I know they will let me know if I'm on track. I look forward to that. And now, to make me feel better, I want to list a few other things that will make me feel better.
***Being able to find, buy and look good in a cute little casual jacket. You know what I mean. One that doesn't squeeze my shoulders, or keep me from being able to move. And being able to find more than one that is my size would be nice.
***Look in the mirror and truly look good. Not try to talk myself into feeling like I look good. (there are times I know I look good, but still have to talk myself into feeling it.)
***Be able to get into a boat without having to inspect it and evaluate it's ability to hold me. Or try to think if I will hold anyone else back from having fun. Or worry about going swimming and not be able to get back up in the boat. Or make sure that my weight is evenly distributed in the boat compared to the other passengers weight. (oh yea, AND I want to go water skiing. What the hell, a person can dream can't they!)
***I want to be able to get into ANY vehicle and not wonder if a seat belt will fit or if I will be comfortable. Especially when riding with someone I've never ridden with before.
***I want to be able to go to a crowded place without feeling phobic or apologetic about being brushed up against or taking up more than my socially acceptable amount of space.
***When someone asks me to go do something I want to be able to automatically say yes without having to over-think it.
***I want to have the energy to initiate and complete every creative idea that swirls around in my head, and believe me, there are a million of 'em.
***When I was younger, I was a hell of a sportsman. I WANT THAT BACK!...so I can play with my nephew (and his new sister or brother) and know how cool I really am. He thinks I'm the ultimate cool now but he hasn't seen nothin' yet.
***I want my bleepin' life back!
Everyone enjoy the day. And remember, wherever you go - there you are!
10-6-05
Today I genuinely feel better! I know my hormones are, and will be, in a terrible uproar for a long time. I hate to think that I will be on a roller coaster at certain times, but I know it's unavoidable when you go through such rapid changes in body. On a positive note, bad moods and the blues pass pretty quickly and I feel pretty good again.
My body seems to change every week that passes and I can tell a difference in my hair and skin already. I still get tired out pretty fast but after a short rest I feel like I have more energy again.
10-11-05
Hurray! Yesterday I was finally able to tolerate something without thinking it was going to come up. It was soup with meat, not pureed. I've really had some trouble tolerating new things so I've been going extremely slow. Every few days I try something new and finally I guess I'm healed enough to tolerate some new stuff. I was beginning to have my doubts. I know everyone goes at their own rate.
I now weigh 292 which is really pretty incredible and it makes me feel very, very good. And successful. I now realize that having the surgery really was the easiest part of this. Somehow you fear the surgery way more than what happens after. Probably because it's hard to anticipate what happens Post-Op and you just don't think about it. The fact that every person is individual and no one can accurately predict exactly what will happen adds to that. I do feel like I am doing so much better this week. My energy is better and I feel like I've crossed a big hump.
10-25-05
I just celebrated my 37 birthday exactly 8 weeks from my surgery. I'm down 45 pounds and truly have never felt better. In a lot of people's minds 45 pounds doesn't seem like very much, or 30 pounds, or 15 pounds. For someone who has never been able to lose more than 15 or 20 pounds EVER, and then gain it back plus, it is an amazing feeling each step of the way! It is incredibly encouraging to build and build and build on this. It's exciting to see what is going to happen tomorrow, or next week, or next month. Results truly spur a person on. I still take it one day at a time, but it's getting easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
THESE ARE SOME OF THE BEST THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED RECENTLY:
I can now sit comfortably in a booth.
I can now sit ultra-comfortably in a movie theatre.
I now own a cute little jacket that really looks good.
When I walk, it feels great! I look forward to walking TWICE a day or more.
I'm starting to get my old energy back, staying in bed has lost it's appeal.
I now have a new nephew who will never know me as the 333 lb. person I used to be. I fully expect to be able to teach him to play hacky-sack when he is old enough.
And while all these great things are taking place you still have real life to deal with. Many other things that happen during this process are not glamorous and present great challenges. I've learned that how you deal with them and how positive you keep your attitude is important. For example, it's a great challenge at times to know what to say about the surgery when approached by someone who is just plain curious or skeptical. It's easy to talk with people who are interested in the surgery, who want to get it themselves and need help learning about it, but it's hard to talk with strangers or acquaintances. Maybe because you're never sure of their motivations for wanting to talk about it. And people can be extremely rude too, without even knowing what they are saying.
Someone who was basically a stranger asked me how I had lost the weight. It was a casual conversation so I said I did it with hard work, breezing right over it. And it would have worked too, but my own family member, whom I know would not intentionally hurt me said, "Tell the truth...". This was one of those times when you only think of the best comebacks later. I was a little embarrassed(not because I HAD the surgery, but because I was put on the spot to explain it to someone I didn't know), but I said I had Bari Surgery. Fortunately the person had a friend who did that too, so her viewpoint wasn't judgmental. But early the next morning on the way to work I cried because I felt like my first answer should have been honored. This IS freaking hard work. The HARDEST thing I've ever done.....ever. And I've done a lot of hard things in my life! I got over it pretty fast. I confided in my friend and felt better almost instantly. Another good example of why you need to have a lot of support all during this process.
I've realized that I really DON'T want to talk about it every moment of my life. I've realized I DON'T want to talk about it with every Tom, Dick, and Harry out there. I've realized I DO want to talk to my closest friends and my family and I DO want to talk to people who need advice and support about it.
I really don't know if my feelings will change down the line. I imagine it's possible. I imagine many things are possible these days.
One other thing that has been working me over a little is all the attention. I know that will sound funny to some people, and may sound whiny to other people, but it's difficult to handle all of the attention toward my looks. I get embarrassed and almost feel like I've never been viewed as pretty before this when people go on and on. I know most people just mean well and are trying to encourage me, but I've never really wanted attention to my looks so much. I've always been kind of the brainy babe. I like to be noticed for my abilities, talents, and brains. Likewise, I like to recognize these things in others. Of course I am not dead, and I love the Brad Pitts of the world!...but what I'm afraid of - and these are just feelings - is that people will only be able to see, and focus on, the outside.
I know we will just see how things go, and in the meantime I'll just, "Keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side. Keep on the sunny side of life....." (in my best singing voice.) :)
11-8-05
I seemed to have been on a plateau for the past two weeks, but on Sunday I weighed myself and I lost another 8 pounds! It was like magic! (More like it was the end of my period!) That's a total of 53 pounds. Again I had to step off the scale and get back on several times in to see if the scale was actually working correctly.
Let me just tell you how amazing losing 53lbs. is! It feels great. I wake up in the morning and my sugar is 98 or 92 without fail. For all you non-diabetic people out there, ideally your sugar readings should be between 72-126 after fasting (or sleeping). I can now sit in a booth with ease. My boobs don't cram up against the table anymore. Cause for celebration all in itself! I can swing in the park swings now too. The chains don't cut into my flesh anymore. I love to walk now. At the park, in the mall, in fact - every place I used to dread. I put on my regular clothes and they are hanging. I put on my "skinny" clothes and they are also starting to hang off. Soon I will be cleaning my drawers of rags out. I have shorts that will not stay up on my body anymore and work clothes too. I have never been able to lose 50lbs. before. I didn't know what the difference would be, and now I'm amazed.
In the beginning, after the surgery I got "thrush" in my mouth which is a pretty common thing for infants to get. It's a yeast infection in the mouth or "imbalance" caused by high levels of anti-biotics used in surgery. It causes a metal taste in the mouth and a coating on the tongue and teeth. It also seemed like the cause of me not being able to tolerate a lot of new things in the beginning. I did spit up a lot, even smooth easy things eaten slowly I spit up. Now that I used the medicine though, things are MUCH better. Totally different as a matter of fact.
Of course, with all of the good stuff comes things you'd rather not deal with. I know these things are different for everyone. People do tend to watch everything I eat and it makes me a little (sometimes a lot) self conscious. Also, it seems like they're just waiting for the moment that they can say "Are you sure you can eat that? ". Believe me, no one is more in touch with the things I can and cannot eat than me. Besides, the thing is, what hold fat and sugar had on me before has diminished almost completely and that seems to get easier and easier the farther I go. So really people don't need to watch me, unless in their mind they're thinking "wow, she's doing really great". (On my best days I prefer to think that, on my worst days I want to punch someone in the head.) :)
I haven't even tried to eat a chip or piece of any sugar and I don't intend to. I have no idea if they would make me sick or not, but I believe they will and that "thrush" episode also made me a little afraid, so I doubt if I will ever try it. Honestly, I have no interest in such things. Sometimes it's hard, it's not easy going against the grain of society and doing things differently from most people(becoming part of the GNC crowd, not ever, EVER eating fast food, being ultimately ready to eat on the fly very, very nutritiously at any time) but I feel like I made a decision-and part of that decision was knowing that I would not be eating certain things. Unpredictable things. POSSIBLY things that were once healthful and considered "good for me" may not be OK anymore. CERTAINLY things not good for me are not OK anymore. All MY choices. I don't care what everyone else does. I don't care about Halloween candy, or holiday pies and desserts, or Easter. Never, ever have I cared for any pre-made, store bought cookies and sweets. Not only do they not taste good, but I have always thought too many additives/preservatives were bad and will hurt you as easily as anything else. I also know that the packaging is far more attractive than the taste of the food inside (I was in advertising for about 15 years) that's why they have to make it look so nice. Heck, I haven't even tried any Soda pop. Not even diet. Don't want it. I do love orange juice though, which before surgery I wasn't able to have due to the diabetes. Now I can have it once a day, maybe even twice and not worry. I have found the more natural the food the better for me on this journey.
One thing I definitely cannot have is Deli meats. They come up instantly after only one bite. But so far, homemade meat works well if it's very tender. I've tried turkey, chicken, and beef. All seems to do well. Fish is difficult to handle so I avoid it. I have not tried crab or shrimp yet, but eventually I will. Protein bars work very well and I still do one pro-shake each morning during the week so I don't lack protein during the work week. On the weekend it's easy to get all my protein from food since I have more time on my hands.
Another thing I have noticed is that I have been keeping to myself a lot lately. I think it's a good thing because I'm alone and focused with my regimen. I get up and make sure my food for the day is in order, go to work, on the way home from work I do whatever exercise I have planned that day and I go home. Not a lot of time for anything else. But if my friends want to see me right now, they have to make themselves part of my exercise trip and I imagine it will be like that until I'm in the shape I want to be in to maintain. It's all about me for right now because it's just what I gotta' do.....
......And it's making me supremely happy in the long run.
11-14-05
Just a fast one today to say what I did over the weekend, because it is sooo worth mentioning. I went with a friend to the Gibralter Trade Center. You know, sort of a flea market place that is big and giant and you do a lot of walking and looking and lugging your purchases around. Not only did I do that for quite a few hours, but I ENJOYED it. I had a GREAT time with my friend. I didn't have thoughts in my mind about how my feet really hurt, or was I going to run into people because I was so big, or how much I was going to pay for this with pain the next day and have to rest. No pain, no embarrassment, and no anticipation having to rest after this. And the next day I woke up and did a bunch of chores and things that just needed to get done.
And things just keep on looking up....
1-17-06
Happy New Year. Oh my goodness, what an understatement! I feel freakin' great! I have lost 73 lbs. I can move! I can sit in just about any chair I please. I can work out! I can work on my car. I can walk for hours shopping. I can clean my house better. I can play with kids without being exhausted. I can play Dance,Dance Revolution. I can help people move. I can do hard, hard work for an entire day without planning the next day as the recovery day. I can, I can, I can!........And I'm only half way there! I can only imagine what losing another 75 lbs. will be like. It feels great talking in positives! It feels great to say "I can" way more than "I can't". The food issue is getting better and better all the time. Once your habits start to change, and you acclimate to your new individual way of eating, things go easier and easier. It really is important to go by the program they set for you in the beginning because it's important to remove yourself from old habits and ramp up to the new ones. Like a baby, relearning everything from the beginning of life. It truly helps. I still find that natural foods are the way to go for me and I haven't vomited in more than 2 weeks, and that was from something new I tried. In the beginning it was rough because I was vomiting nearly every day of the "pureed" stage. Steadily it has gotten immensely better. My staples are milk, yogurt, citrus juices, decaf coffee, string cheese, some types of soups, protein bars and whole grain products. These are the things I stick to when I'm busy and I want to be sure I'm getting enough protein. I know none of these things will upset my stomach or my activities. One thing I experience sometimes is that when I'm extremely active or sometimes when I'm anxious, that I can't really eat something solid. I think it's because my muscles are clenching and my stomach clenches so it's even smaller than usual. In those times I stick with milk and the occasional protein shake. Eventually, when I'm relaxed, I can eat again no problem. I still don't know if sugar will make me sick and I'm not even going to test it. I'm quite happy using substitutes and making up new recipes. I know now that sugar does nothing good for me whatsoever and I very nearly hate it because of that. Of course, not everyone can drink milk or have sugar alcohols after surgery so I consider myself lucky in that respect.
I can't wait to go swimming again! I live in Michigan and we are all about the water here. Right now however, it's winter so I'll put that on the top of the list of things I want to do/accomplish next.
Along with:
**Go on a boat! (without worry,YOU know what I mean.)
**Wear a bathing suit! (It doesn't have to be revealing, it's just has to be a bathing suit! Instead of shorts and a T-shirt when I'm desperate for something to wear swimming.)
**Go on a vacation!
**Go hiking!
**Maybe buy a new car!
**Fix the exterior of my home after winter! Big jobs.
There are more things I think of each day. Some days something happens that I never, ever expected. Sometimes it makes me laugh wildly and people think I'm nuts, sometimes it makes me burst into tears of happiness, and sometimes it's my little, special, powerful secret that I keep in my "pocket" for when I feel low and I need a little extra encouragement.
Also, I have joined Curves on top of my regular exercise. It's really fun and goes by sooo quick. It feels great to be able to exercise. I feel like the queen of the world now that I can move again. Yeeehaaa!
I also have the benefit of going to a support meeting once a month. I cannot say enough about how that helps me be spurred on, gain ideas to get past rough spots, be encouraged and also help encourage others. Encouraging and supporting others helps you be better yourself. I believe that.
So now all I have left to say to you is.......Feel your power, feel your success.......GIDDY-UP!
8-23-06
Goodness, gracious alive! I have not been here in a longgg time. Well, today is the 1st anniversary of the first day of the rest of my life! And am I proud. I have lost 121 pounds and my life seems so different. I'm so on the go that it's really hard for other people to keep up!
I've had quite a lot of new firsts happening lately, this summer I have actually worn a real life bathing suit. Yep, you heard me correctly - a real live bathing suit. None of that shorts and grubby t-shirt wearing for me this year. I also have been spending a great deal of time on my friend's boat. Not around it, not at the dock, but on the boat in the lake. And you know what else? It doesn't tilt all the way to my side, I don't have to sit in the middle to distribute my weight or anything. Fabulous, right? I think so. Also, I went to a concert at a fair and I didn't have to say excuse me a thousand times while people stare at me and/or brush up against me constantly. I just had a plain old good time with my friends dancing and singing! The value of this is huge to me. I know to regular people they just don't put this much thought into something like this, but for me it's huge. I wore a beautiful ball gown this year and I was amazing to see! (never been to prom or anything like that!) My parents didn't even realize at first it was me, which was a little unsettling but equally as incredible. Even when I walked up to my friends it took a while for them to register it was me. I nearly had to introduce myself!
Now I'm anticipating my sister's wedding in September! I expect to be even more spectacular that evening! I will be in the wedding party and it's exciting! Never have done that before either! The dresses are dark red and fantastic! One of my most precious dreams is to be at a normal weight, gussied up in a shiny red dress and singing the blues in front of a crowd. Now I may not sing there, but I got the gussied up part down pat. I can't wait. I must say though, I have just a little anxiety about my hair situation. It's been coming back very little by little but it's still very thin on top. I take iron and exceed my protein intake to help with that. Also, I take Biotin (B-6) to help as well on top of my children's vitamin. Hopefully this will get better. I have been far more appearance conscious since I've lost a major amount. Still though, I have a hard time looking in the mirror. I don't know if it's just that I got so used to not looking, or if it's that I look so different that it's hard to accept, but I will figure it out eventually. It really helps that I go to support group once a month to hash a few issues out.
I have started to wear make-up again and now I really, really need to go buy a few clothes. I have gone through so much stuff since this began and now I need to invest in some new duds I think.
Just regular old things are so much more fun these days. Just walking the dog is awesome. Showering, going potty, traveling. riding in someone else's car, meeting for a quick lunch in the middle of a busy day. You know how fitting just one extra thing into a fairly busy day seemed like such a chore and you were more inclined not to do that extra? I DO NOT feel that way anymore! I take a little more time out just for me!
I have been celebrating my anniversary all week. Sunday and Monday I got rid of all my clothes, EVERYTHING. If I felt myself even considering keeping something "just in case" I threw that sucker into the give away bag even faster and with more vigor. Tuesday I started some new excercise regimens just to shake things up a little bit. Wednesday I talked with or hung out with every friend of mine who has supported me through this thing. I also apologized to them for ever having made them worry for me because I could not lose significant weight prior to the dawn of bariatric surgery.(I really tried hard, but couldn't lose) I truly did not know the impact my weight/health issues had on the people who cared about me until I reached a certain weight loss point. And also some close friends of mine are having terrible health issues which has made me reflect on my own. Of course, when I apologized they all said it was unnecessary because it's all about what I do now and in the future. And I can tell you, I do not have Diabetes anymore! Not high cholesterol, sleep apnea, renal failure, high triglycerides - NOT ANYMORE. And not ever again if I have anything to say about it!
OK - so that's it for now. I'll be back to share some more soon!
9-3-06
Hey folks. Everyone ok out there? It is my sincere hope that if you are reading this that you are doing ok. And perhaps if you are not doing ok maybe something you read here may help you in some way.
Things really change a lot when a person loses weight and gets healthy. So many things that you cannot even predict. I'm certain I have said it before, and I'm almost certain to say it again. I always thought I had so much wrapped up in a neat little package and now more and more I realize I have absolutely nothing wrapped up.
I have broken up with my boyfriend of 5 years. We live together and I guess for a while we're going to try to be roommates. At least until we can do well enough to be on our own. It came down to a mutual decision. I'm changing everyday it seems and I love almost everything about that. And truly "the surgery" did not cause this. My changing has. When you change this radically over such a relatively short period of time you are practically bowled over (AND I MEAN BOWLED OVER!) by new feelings, new experiences, and old dreams. Dreams that long ago you gave up on, that now may become valid again. It feels insane - and immensely exciting at the same time.
11/8/06
Hello everyone! I wanted to make an entry to tell about my work trip I recently took. I went to Washington DC to work on a car show to introduce a new vehicle on the market. I spent 7 straight days walking (and running) every single place I went. For anyone who knows about the Detroit/Pontiac area you will know we drive everywhere. In DC, some people literally have never owned a car! It's much more convenient to walk everywhere or commute by train and then walk. It was amazing that I could do this. A year ago I would not have been able to do this job at all because of the nature of it. Not only did I walk for miles but I spoke to thousands of people. I've never had too much trouble talking to people but I mostly had to really force myself to be outgoing for job purposes. This time it was soooo different. I was happy to talk to so many! It was practically easy! And the way that people responded to me was beyond words. I must say, sometimes it's easier to be around people who never knew you were a giant. No discussion about "the surgery" and how different I am now. Just a bunch of people accepting me as I am and not giving me those looks that we all feel now and again.
This was my first time back at this work and of course I never could have done it without my work buddies who all pretty much know my story and are supremely proud of me and also notice how differently people percieve me. It was essential to have their support on the road like that.
I also have to say that I can't wait until "the surgery" sort of fades into the background a little bit. My friends are so sweet and listen to everything I have to say about this and it's great, but I hope that my need to talk about it and all of the new experiences segways into just living life. Sometimes I feel like I talk about it too much and maybe the listener is inside themselves screaming "OK - I GOT IT. YOU ARE GREAT NOW SHUT UP!" but I mostly know they aren't. This feeling is incredible, I realize new things nearly hourly it seems and it's hard not to be excited. Fortunately, I save it for only my closest peeps who have always loved me and have had faith in me.
You know, having the surgery seems like it would be enough, right? Losing weight, having your health back, gaining positive attention. But it's not. The farther you go, the more you want. I honestly didn't think I'd be a very good wife or mother and now that has changed. I think I'd probably be really great at one or the other or both. It seems almost crazy that I feel this way, but I do. I feel like I could at least make a great partner for someone. I also feel like going through all of this was important. You must persevere through so many things if you want to have your dreams fulfilled and sometimes it's hard to come to terms with that. But when you succeed at something so hard it makes you know what you are capable of, that you CAN instead of can't. And so now I look onto one of the hardest things it seems for people to do - and that is to maintain good relationships, build a life, and become someone who affects the world even in a small way.
11-9-06
woohoo! Everytime I finish a workout I feel like queen of the world! I just came home from exciting time of sweat and outdoorsyness. I hope you all know this feeling or are on your way to knowing it.I'm working out pretty much double time now because I'm looking forward to my plastic surgery. In my support group we talk a lot about what to be prepared for in the future and I know I must be prepared for this. A while ago I went to a seminar to explain some things and to see what is possible. Now I'm ready for my first consult with the doctor which is scheduled for Nov.14.
While I was in DC I totally made my goal of being under 200 lbs. I now weigh 197 for the first time since I was 15 years old! I posted some new pictures today so check them out! Whewwwww! I feel great! I'll let you know how the consult goes!
04-01-08
I can't believe how the time passes these days! My life is an absolute blast. I almost always am laughing or smiling. My second surgery (Jan. 15 2007) was an absolute success and I will post pictures of what I would call the "finished product" as soon as I can. Of course it took a very long time to recover from the plastic surgery. It took a year or so just to be a true idea of what you'll look like. Yes, it takes that long. I'm very satified with the results for the most part. Had a little revision done (May 7, 07) between my breasts and I'm still waiting for that to become as flat and healed as it is going to be. I think it will probably look very nice eventually. Everyone really needs to remember that during the healing process your body really changes a lot and there will be times when you think "its ugly" and then you'll think "oh that looks good". It all takes time like anything else. Don't beat yourself up! I can honestly tell you that my ultimate experience so far is that I feel absolutely beautiful and healthy. Truly wonderful inside and out.
I am the leader of the support group in my area now too. It takes a great deal of time and responsibility so I guess it's a good thing I lost all that weight! Haha I strongly recommend attending a support group. It's very helpful and you really feel like there are people who know how you feel and have experienced the same things. I learn and purge in my group too, I'm not just the leader! It will really aid to your success, whatever level you would like it to be.
Bye for now and I will post those pictures soon, you will not freakin' believe it!
I just figured out how to update my profile. This is my last day of work before my surgery on Tuesday the 23rd. I decided to take Monday off to be better prepared for this and so I can relax. I'm a little stressed, probably more and more each day though I am trying to be calm. I'm excited and scared together. I'm getting together with my family Saturday night for some games and a little togetherness. I'm afraid I will cry and someone will think I don't really want to do this. On the contrary-I very much want to do this for the benefits I know will come true. I've always wished for something that will finally help-and finally there is something! I have stayed pretty busy the last two weeks to keep my mind off my nervousness, and getting ready to be off work and at home resting. I know that every time I don't like something I have to do, I anticipate the worst and I'm always pleasantly surprised to find out that it's much less unpleasant than I have imagined it to be. I truly hope this is the same. I do worry a little about how painful this will be. I've had two hernia surgeries and I hope the pain is about as close to that as possible because that was tolerable to me. (I anticipated the worst for those operations too.) I just keep taking this one day at a time and kinda' taking a Zen approach to keep myself calm. I know God has always watched out for me and I don't think this will be any different. So anyway, here I go, wish me luck.
9-21-05
Well it's been about 29 days since my surgery was performed. I started back to work full-time this week. I still get really tired toward the end of the day, but when I wake up I am ready to go. I did not experience any complications during surgery or so far. I got out of the hospital in just 2 days. I was walking around like a pro and doing my breathing exercises without complaint. Those two things really make you feel better in a hurry and I found that they were very important. My pain in the hospital was not very much. A "1" or "2" at the most when I was on the drip. They then gave me an elixir (liquid) pain medication after that. The stuff goes straight into your blood stream after you take it, it seems, so even after I no longer had my IV I still was not in too much pain. I felt like I should have had a little more than was prescribed for when I was home though. It ran out within 3 days taking it exactly as prescribed. I did have the procedure Laparoscopicly, but it does still hurt. It just heals faster so you don't feel bad as long. The medicine really helps you keep up the walking and moving around (and breathing) so you can heal better. Unlike many people I've talked with, the meds did not make me sick at all.
My anticipation of the surgery was a little worse than the surgery itself. The worst part of any surgery to me is when they take the tube out of your throat and you gag several times. This surgery was no different. But the nurses taking care of me were no doubt the best in the business and my fears of allowing someone to take care of a helpless me were thankfully unfounded. They were so amazing to me there that when I went home I missed them.
I haven't had any trouble getting in my protein. I think because I use a good product called Egg & Milk Protein Powder. It doesn't have the aftertaste or smell of some of the other protein powder/liquid products I've tried and it's not gritty either. You can find it in Kroger too. In the health food section. Light blue can. Around 7 or 8 dollars. A little more expensive than the industrial cans you can get at the health/vitamin stores, but I think it's well worth it.
So far everything has been worth it. My fasting sugar levels have been in desirable range for 3 weeks now (after the trauma of surgery was mostly over) and they never were before. I had to take my meds faithfully to control my sugar as well as I did. Now I take about 1/4 of the meds (1/4 of 1 med instead of 4!) since surgery and anticipate being completely off them eventually.
I already have more energy when I wake up and then I get tired out and take a nap.
When I left the hospital I weighed 329. I now weigh 305. Not too bad so far!
9-30-05
I must say, I haven't really been very successful with pureeds. The only thing that I have been really able to tolerate is the cheesy chili recipe in my bariatric book. I have been staying close to my protein shakes and just trying something once a day or every other day to see how I do. Once I was able to eat some mashed potatoes and gravy and be OK. But every time I've tried after that I can't. Today I was able to have a few oysterettes crackers without a problem. I'm feeling my first little depression since the surgery, but it is a woman thing too, adding to it. I guess a lot of people must feel like actually eating food again is way far out there, or may not happen at all, and I think I feel the same at this point. I don't know if people can really wrap their brains around the idea of going cold turkey on eating after a surgery like this (and I mean just regular eating, not over-eating). There are so many unknowns that I don't know how anyone can. You can ask as many questions as you possibly can and still not be prepared for living it.
10-5-05
I'm down about 35 lbs. and now for the first time in about 13 years I weigh less than 300 lbs. which is pretty amazing really. Physically I feel pretty good. Emotionally I'm a little stressed out I guess. I've been a little glum and not really myself. It's not an overwhelming feeling of depression, but a depression nonetheless. I'm way too sensitive and even a little grouchy with my friends, which I'm sure they didn't expect. Hell, I didn't even expect that. When people tell you that you need support after this surgery they are totally correct. I did not know what specifically I would need help with. I'm sure everyone is different. I know my friends will hang in there with me for whatever I need. I just need to remind myself periodically, and need to be reminded by others, why exactly I have done this. I think the testing of foods is wearing on me because it feels like I cannot tolerate anything. Yesterday, I was finally able to tolerate a 1/4 cup of cottage cheese. I was very happy about that. Later, I tried to have a soft scrambled egg and it was the worst reaction I've had yet. Yesterday was the day that I should be able to start trying to incorporate "regular" foods. It was my six week point. I know that the predicted schedule is only a guideline and that everyone goes at their own pace so that is a little reassuring, but I'm still trying to deal with "soft foods" and even pureeds. When the people at the hospital tell you that you need to go slow - they mean it profusely! I just didn't know what that meant specifically. But now I know. I have a doctor's appt. next week and I will have my blood tests done and I know they will let me know if I'm on track. I look forward to that. And now, to make me feel better, I want to list a few other things that will make me feel better.
***Being able to find, buy and look good in a cute little casual jacket. You know what I mean. One that doesn't squeeze my shoulders, or keep me from being able to move. And being able to find more than one that is my size would be nice.
***Look in the mirror and truly look good. Not try to talk myself into feeling like I look good. (there are times I know I look good, but still have to talk myself into feeling it.)
***Be able to get into a boat without having to inspect it and evaluate it's ability to hold me. Or try to think if I will hold anyone else back from having fun. Or worry about going swimming and not be able to get back up in the boat. Or make sure that my weight is evenly distributed in the boat compared to the other passengers weight. (oh yea, AND I want to go water skiing. What the hell, a person can dream can't they!)
***I want to be able to get into ANY vehicle and not wonder if a seat belt will fit or if I will be comfortable. Especially when riding with someone I've never ridden with before.
***I want to be able to go to a crowded place without feeling phobic or apologetic about being brushed up against or taking up more than my socially acceptable amount of space.
***When someone asks me to go do something I want to be able to automatically say yes without having to over-think it.
***I want to have the energy to initiate and complete every creative idea that swirls around in my head, and believe me, there are a million of 'em.
***When I was younger, I was a hell of a sportsman. I WANT THAT BACK!...so I can play with my nephew (and his new sister or brother) and know how cool I really am. He thinks I'm the ultimate cool now but he hasn't seen nothin' yet.
***I want my bleepin' life back!
Everyone enjoy the day. And remember, wherever you go - there you are!
10-6-05
Today I genuinely feel better! I know my hormones are, and will be, in a terrible uproar for a long time. I hate to think that I will be on a roller coaster at certain times, but I know it's unavoidable when you go through such rapid changes in body. On a positive note, bad moods and the blues pass pretty quickly and I feel pretty good again.
My body seems to change every week that passes and I can tell a difference in my hair and skin already. I still get tired out pretty fast but after a short rest I feel like I have more energy again.
10-11-05
Hurray! Yesterday I was finally able to tolerate something without thinking it was going to come up. It was soup with meat, not pureed. I've really had some trouble tolerating new things so I've been going extremely slow. Every few days I try something new and finally I guess I'm healed enough to tolerate some new stuff. I was beginning to have my doubts. I know everyone goes at their own rate.
I now weigh 292 which is really pretty incredible and it makes me feel very, very good. And successful. I now realize that having the surgery really was the easiest part of this. Somehow you fear the surgery way more than what happens after. Probably because it's hard to anticipate what happens Post-Op and you just don't think about it. The fact that every person is individual and no one can accurately predict exactly what will happen adds to that. I do feel like I am doing so much better this week. My energy is better and I feel like I've crossed a big hump.
10-25-05
I just celebrated my 37 birthday exactly 8 weeks from my surgery. I'm down 45 pounds and truly have never felt better. In a lot of people's minds 45 pounds doesn't seem like very much, or 30 pounds, or 15 pounds. For someone who has never been able to lose more than 15 or 20 pounds EVER, and then gain it back plus, it is an amazing feeling each step of the way! It is incredibly encouraging to build and build and build on this. It's exciting to see what is going to happen tomorrow, or next week, or next month. Results truly spur a person on. I still take it one day at a time, but it's getting easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
THESE ARE SOME OF THE BEST THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED RECENTLY:
I can now sit comfortably in a booth.
I can now sit ultra-comfortably in a movie theatre.
I now own a cute little jacket that really looks good.
When I walk, it feels great! I look forward to walking TWICE a day or more.
I'm starting to get my old energy back, staying in bed has lost it's appeal.
I now have a new nephew who will never know me as the 333 lb. person I used to be. I fully expect to be able to teach him to play hacky-sack when he is old enough.
And while all these great things are taking place you still have real life to deal with. Many other things that happen during this process are not glamorous and present great challenges. I've learned that how you deal with them and how positive you keep your attitude is important. For example, it's a great challenge at times to know what to say about the surgery when approached by someone who is just plain curious or skeptical. It's easy to talk with people who are interested in the surgery, who want to get it themselves and need help learning about it, but it's hard to talk with strangers or acquaintances. Maybe because you're never sure of their motivations for wanting to talk about it. And people can be extremely rude too, without even knowing what they are saying.
Someone who was basically a stranger asked me how I had lost the weight. It was a casual conversation so I said I did it with hard work, breezing right over it. And it would have worked too, but my own family member, whom I know would not intentionally hurt me said, "Tell the truth...". This was one of those times when you only think of the best comebacks later. I was a little embarrassed(not because I HAD the surgery, but because I was put on the spot to explain it to someone I didn't know), but I said I had Bari Surgery. Fortunately the person had a friend who did that too, so her viewpoint wasn't judgmental. But early the next morning on the way to work I cried because I felt like my first answer should have been honored. This IS freaking hard work. The HARDEST thing I've ever done.....ever. And I've done a lot of hard things in my life! I got over it pretty fast. I confided in my friend and felt better almost instantly. Another good example of why you need to have a lot of support all during this process.
I've realized that I really DON'T want to talk about it every moment of my life. I've realized I DON'T want to talk about it with every Tom, Dick, and Harry out there. I've realized I DO want to talk to my closest friends and my family and I DO want to talk to people who need advice and support about it.
I really don't know if my feelings will change down the line. I imagine it's possible. I imagine many things are possible these days.
One other thing that has been working me over a little is all the attention. I know that will sound funny to some people, and may sound whiny to other people, but it's difficult to handle all of the attention toward my looks. I get embarrassed and almost feel like I've never been viewed as pretty before this when people go on and on. I know most people just mean well and are trying to encourage me, but I've never really wanted attention to my looks so much. I've always been kind of the brainy babe. I like to be noticed for my abilities, talents, and brains. Likewise, I like to recognize these things in others. Of course I am not dead, and I love the Brad Pitts of the world!...but what I'm afraid of - and these are just feelings - is that people will only be able to see, and focus on, the outside.
I know we will just see how things go, and in the meantime I'll just, "Keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side. Keep on the sunny side of life....." (in my best singing voice.) :)
11-8-05
I seemed to have been on a plateau for the past two weeks, but on Sunday I weighed myself and I lost another 8 pounds! It was like magic! (More like it was the end of my period!) That's a total of 53 pounds. Again I had to step off the scale and get back on several times in to see if the scale was actually working correctly.
Let me just tell you how amazing losing 53lbs. is! It feels great. I wake up in the morning and my sugar is 98 or 92 without fail. For all you non-diabetic people out there, ideally your sugar readings should be between 72-126 after fasting (or sleeping). I can now sit in a booth with ease. My boobs don't cram up against the table anymore. Cause for celebration all in itself! I can swing in the park swings now too. The chains don't cut into my flesh anymore. I love to walk now. At the park, in the mall, in fact - every place I used to dread. I put on my regular clothes and they are hanging. I put on my "skinny" clothes and they are also starting to hang off. Soon I will be cleaning my drawers of rags out. I have shorts that will not stay up on my body anymore and work clothes too. I have never been able to lose 50lbs. before. I didn't know what the difference would be, and now I'm amazed.
In the beginning, after the surgery I got "thrush" in my mouth which is a pretty common thing for infants to get. It's a yeast infection in the mouth or "imbalance" caused by high levels of anti-biotics used in surgery. It causes a metal taste in the mouth and a coating on the tongue and teeth. It also seemed like the cause of me not being able to tolerate a lot of new things in the beginning. I did spit up a lot, even smooth easy things eaten slowly I spit up. Now that I used the medicine though, things are MUCH better. Totally different as a matter of fact.
Of course, with all of the good stuff comes things you'd rather not deal with. I know these things are different for everyone. People do tend to watch everything I eat and it makes me a little (sometimes a lot) self conscious. Also, it seems like they're just waiting for the moment that they can say "Are you sure you can eat that? ". Believe me, no one is more in touch with the things I can and cannot eat than me. Besides, the thing is, what hold fat and sugar had on me before has diminished almost completely and that seems to get easier and easier the farther I go. So really people don't need to watch me, unless in their mind they're thinking "wow, she's doing really great". (On my best days I prefer to think that, on my worst days I want to punch someone in the head.) :)
I haven't even tried to eat a chip or piece of any sugar and I don't intend to. I have no idea if they would make me sick or not, but I believe they will and that "thrush" episode also made me a little afraid, so I doubt if I will ever try it. Honestly, I have no interest in such things. Sometimes it's hard, it's not easy going against the grain of society and doing things differently from most people(becoming part of the GNC crowd, not ever, EVER eating fast food, being ultimately ready to eat on the fly very, very nutritiously at any time) but I feel like I made a decision-and part of that decision was knowing that I would not be eating certain things. Unpredictable things. POSSIBLY things that were once healthful and considered "good for me" may not be OK anymore. CERTAINLY things not good for me are not OK anymore. All MY choices. I don't care what everyone else does. I don't care about Halloween candy, or holiday pies and desserts, or Easter. Never, ever have I cared for any pre-made, store bought cookies and sweets. Not only do they not taste good, but I have always thought too many additives/preservatives were bad and will hurt you as easily as anything else. I also know that the packaging is far more attractive than the taste of the food inside (I was in advertising for about 15 years) that's why they have to make it look so nice. Heck, I haven't even tried any Soda pop. Not even diet. Don't want it. I do love orange juice though, which before surgery I wasn't able to have due to the diabetes. Now I can have it once a day, maybe even twice and not worry. I have found the more natural the food the better for me on this journey.
One thing I definitely cannot have is Deli meats. They come up instantly after only one bite. But so far, homemade meat works well if it's very tender. I've tried turkey, chicken, and beef. All seems to do well. Fish is difficult to handle so I avoid it. I have not tried crab or shrimp yet, but eventually I will. Protein bars work very well and I still do one pro-shake each morning during the week so I don't lack protein during the work week. On the weekend it's easy to get all my protein from food since I have more time on my hands.
Another thing I have noticed is that I have been keeping to myself a lot lately. I think it's a good thing because I'm alone and focused with my regimen. I get up and make sure my food for the day is in order, go to work, on the way home from work I do whatever exercise I have planned that day and I go home. Not a lot of time for anything else. But if my friends want to see me right now, they have to make themselves part of my exercise trip and I imagine it will be like that until I'm in the shape I want to be in to maintain. It's all about me for right now because it's just what I gotta' do.....
......And it's making me supremely happy in the long run.
11-14-05
Just a fast one today to say what I did over the weekend, because it is sooo worth mentioning. I went with a friend to the Gibralter Trade Center. You know, sort of a flea market place that is big and giant and you do a lot of walking and looking and lugging your purchases around. Not only did I do that for quite a few hours, but I ENJOYED it. I had a GREAT time with my friend. I didn't have thoughts in my mind about how my feet really hurt, or was I going to run into people because I was so big, or how much I was going to pay for this with pain the next day and have to rest. No pain, no embarrassment, and no anticipation having to rest after this. And the next day I woke up and did a bunch of chores and things that just needed to get done.
And things just keep on looking up....
1-17-06
Happy New Year. Oh my goodness, what an understatement! I feel freakin' great! I have lost 73 lbs. I can move! I can sit in just about any chair I please. I can work out! I can work on my car. I can walk for hours shopping. I can clean my house better. I can play with kids without being exhausted. I can play Dance,Dance Revolution. I can help people move. I can do hard, hard work for an entire day without planning the next day as the recovery day. I can, I can, I can!........And I'm only half way there! I can only imagine what losing another 75 lbs. will be like. It feels great talking in positives! It feels great to say "I can" way more than "I can't". The food issue is getting better and better all the time. Once your habits start to change, and you acclimate to your new individual way of eating, things go easier and easier. It really is important to go by the program they set for you in the beginning because it's important to remove yourself from old habits and ramp up to the new ones. Like a baby, relearning everything from the beginning of life. It truly helps. I still find that natural foods are the way to go for me and I haven't vomited in more than 2 weeks, and that was from something new I tried. In the beginning it was rough because I was vomiting nearly every day of the "pureed" stage. Steadily it has gotten immensely better. My staples are milk, yogurt, citrus juices, decaf coffee, string cheese, some types of soups, protein bars and whole grain products. These are the things I stick to when I'm busy and I want to be sure I'm getting enough protein. I know none of these things will upset my stomach or my activities. One thing I experience sometimes is that when I'm extremely active or sometimes when I'm anxious, that I can't really eat something solid. I think it's because my muscles are clenching and my stomach clenches so it's even smaller than usual. In those times I stick with milk and the occasional protein shake. Eventually, when I'm relaxed, I can eat again no problem. I still don't know if sugar will make me sick and I'm not even going to test it. I'm quite happy using substitutes and making up new recipes. I know now that sugar does nothing good for me whatsoever and I very nearly hate it because of that. Of course, not everyone can drink milk or have sugar alcohols after surgery so I consider myself lucky in that respect.
I can't wait to go swimming again! I live in Michigan and we are all about the water here. Right now however, it's winter so I'll put that on the top of the list of things I want to do/accomplish next.
Along with:
**Go on a boat! (without worry,YOU know what I mean.)
**Wear a bathing suit! (It doesn't have to be revealing, it's just has to be a bathing suit! Instead of shorts and a T-shirt when I'm desperate for something to wear swimming.)
**Go on a vacation!
**Go hiking!
**Maybe buy a new car!
**Fix the exterior of my home after winter! Big jobs.
There are more things I think of each day. Some days something happens that I never, ever expected. Sometimes it makes me laugh wildly and people think I'm nuts, sometimes it makes me burst into tears of happiness, and sometimes it's my little, special, powerful secret that I keep in my "pocket" for when I feel low and I need a little extra encouragement.
Also, I have joined Curves on top of my regular exercise. It's really fun and goes by sooo quick. It feels great to be able to exercise. I feel like the queen of the world now that I can move again. Yeeehaaa!
I also have the benefit of going to a support meeting once a month. I cannot say enough about how that helps me be spurred on, gain ideas to get past rough spots, be encouraged and also help encourage others. Encouraging and supporting others helps you be better yourself. I believe that.
So now all I have left to say to you is.......Feel your power, feel your success.......GIDDY-UP!
8-23-06
Goodness, gracious alive! I have not been here in a longgg time. Well, today is the 1st anniversary of the first day of the rest of my life! And am I proud. I have lost 121 pounds and my life seems so different. I'm so on the go that it's really hard for other people to keep up!
I've had quite a lot of new firsts happening lately, this summer I have actually worn a real life bathing suit. Yep, you heard me correctly - a real live bathing suit. None of that shorts and grubby t-shirt wearing for me this year. I also have been spending a great deal of time on my friend's boat. Not around it, not at the dock, but on the boat in the lake. And you know what else? It doesn't tilt all the way to my side, I don't have to sit in the middle to distribute my weight or anything. Fabulous, right? I think so. Also, I went to a concert at a fair and I didn't have to say excuse me a thousand times while people stare at me and/or brush up against me constantly. I just had a plain old good time with my friends dancing and singing! The value of this is huge to me. I know to regular people they just don't put this much thought into something like this, but for me it's huge. I wore a beautiful ball gown this year and I was amazing to see! (never been to prom or anything like that!) My parents didn't even realize at first it was me, which was a little unsettling but equally as incredible. Even when I walked up to my friends it took a while for them to register it was me. I nearly had to introduce myself!
Now I'm anticipating my sister's wedding in September! I expect to be even more spectacular that evening! I will be in the wedding party and it's exciting! Never have done that before either! The dresses are dark red and fantastic! One of my most precious dreams is to be at a normal weight, gussied up in a shiny red dress and singing the blues in front of a crowd. Now I may not sing there, but I got the gussied up part down pat. I can't wait. I must say though, I have just a little anxiety about my hair situation. It's been coming back very little by little but it's still very thin on top. I take iron and exceed my protein intake to help with that. Also, I take Biotin (B-6) to help as well on top of my children's vitamin. Hopefully this will get better. I have been far more appearance conscious since I've lost a major amount. Still though, I have a hard time looking in the mirror. I don't know if it's just that I got so used to not looking, or if it's that I look so different that it's hard to accept, but I will figure it out eventually. It really helps that I go to support group once a month to hash a few issues out.
I have started to wear make-up again and now I really, really need to go buy a few clothes. I have gone through so much stuff since this began and now I need to invest in some new duds I think.
Just regular old things are so much more fun these days. Just walking the dog is awesome. Showering, going potty, traveling. riding in someone else's car, meeting for a quick lunch in the middle of a busy day. You know how fitting just one extra thing into a fairly busy day seemed like such a chore and you were more inclined not to do that extra? I DO NOT feel that way anymore! I take a little more time out just for me!
I have been celebrating my anniversary all week. Sunday and Monday I got rid of all my clothes, EVERYTHING. If I felt myself even considering keeping something "just in case" I threw that sucker into the give away bag even faster and with more vigor. Tuesday I started some new excercise regimens just to shake things up a little bit. Wednesday I talked with or hung out with every friend of mine who has supported me through this thing. I also apologized to them for ever having made them worry for me because I could not lose significant weight prior to the dawn of bariatric surgery.(I really tried hard, but couldn't lose) I truly did not know the impact my weight/health issues had on the people who cared about me until I reached a certain weight loss point. And also some close friends of mine are having terrible health issues which has made me reflect on my own. Of course, when I apologized they all said it was unnecessary because it's all about what I do now and in the future. And I can tell you, I do not have Diabetes anymore! Not high cholesterol, sleep apnea, renal failure, high triglycerides - NOT ANYMORE. And not ever again if I have anything to say about it!
OK - so that's it for now. I'll be back to share some more soon!
9-3-06
Hey folks. Everyone ok out there? It is my sincere hope that if you are reading this that you are doing ok. And perhaps if you are not doing ok maybe something you read here may help you in some way.
Things really change a lot when a person loses weight and gets healthy. So many things that you cannot even predict. I'm certain I have said it before, and I'm almost certain to say it again. I always thought I had so much wrapped up in a neat little package and now more and more I realize I have absolutely nothing wrapped up.
I have broken up with my boyfriend of 5 years. We live together and I guess for a while we're going to try to be roommates. At least until we can do well enough to be on our own. It came down to a mutual decision. I'm changing everyday it seems and I love almost everything about that. And truly "the surgery" did not cause this. My changing has. When you change this radically over such a relatively short period of time you are practically bowled over (AND I MEAN BOWLED OVER!) by new feelings, new experiences, and old dreams. Dreams that long ago you gave up on, that now may become valid again. It feels insane - and immensely exciting at the same time.
11/8/06
Hello everyone! I wanted to make an entry to tell about my work trip I recently took. I went to Washington DC to work on a car show to introduce a new vehicle on the market. I spent 7 straight days walking (and running) every single place I went. For anyone who knows about the Detroit/Pontiac area you will know we drive everywhere. In DC, some people literally have never owned a car! It's much more convenient to walk everywhere or commute by train and then walk. It was amazing that I could do this. A year ago I would not have been able to do this job at all because of the nature of it. Not only did I walk for miles but I spoke to thousands of people. I've never had too much trouble talking to people but I mostly had to really force myself to be outgoing for job purposes. This time it was soooo different. I was happy to talk to so many! It was practically easy! And the way that people responded to me was beyond words. I must say, sometimes it's easier to be around people who never knew you were a giant. No discussion about "the surgery" and how different I am now. Just a bunch of people accepting me as I am and not giving me those looks that we all feel now and again.
This was my first time back at this work and of course I never could have done it without my work buddies who all pretty much know my story and are supremely proud of me and also notice how differently people percieve me. It was essential to have their support on the road like that.
I also have to say that I can't wait until "the surgery" sort of fades into the background a little bit. My friends are so sweet and listen to everything I have to say about this and it's great, but I hope that my need to talk about it and all of the new experiences segways into just living life. Sometimes I feel like I talk about it too much and maybe the listener is inside themselves screaming "OK - I GOT IT. YOU ARE GREAT NOW SHUT UP!" but I mostly know they aren't. This feeling is incredible, I realize new things nearly hourly it seems and it's hard not to be excited. Fortunately, I save it for only my closest peeps who have always loved me and have had faith in me.
You know, having the surgery seems like it would be enough, right? Losing weight, having your health back, gaining positive attention. But it's not. The farther you go, the more you want. I honestly didn't think I'd be a very good wife or mother and now that has changed. I think I'd probably be really great at one or the other or both. It seems almost crazy that I feel this way, but I do. I feel like I could at least make a great partner for someone. I also feel like going through all of this was important. You must persevere through so many things if you want to have your dreams fulfilled and sometimes it's hard to come to terms with that. But when you succeed at something so hard it makes you know what you are capable of, that you CAN instead of can't. And so now I look onto one of the hardest things it seems for people to do - and that is to maintain good relationships, build a life, and become someone who affects the world even in a small way.
11-9-06
woohoo! Everytime I finish a workout I feel like queen of the world! I just came home from exciting time of sweat and outdoorsyness. I hope you all know this feeling or are on your way to knowing it.I'm working out pretty much double time now because I'm looking forward to my plastic surgery. In my support group we talk a lot about what to be prepared for in the future and I know I must be prepared for this. A while ago I went to a seminar to explain some things and to see what is possible. Now I'm ready for my first consult with the doctor which is scheduled for Nov.14.
While I was in DC I totally made my goal of being under 200 lbs. I now weigh 197 for the first time since I was 15 years old! I posted some new pictures today so check them out! Whewwwww! I feel great! I'll let you know how the consult goes!
04-01-08
I can't believe how the time passes these days! My life is an absolute blast. I almost always am laughing or smiling. My second surgery (Jan. 15 2007) was an absolute success and I will post pictures of what I would call the "finished product" as soon as I can. Of course it took a very long time to recover from the plastic surgery. It took a year or so just to be a true idea of what you'll look like. Yes, it takes that long. I'm very satified with the results for the most part. Had a little revision done (May 7, 07) between my breasts and I'm still waiting for that to become as flat and healed as it is going to be. I think it will probably look very nice eventually. Everyone really needs to remember that during the healing process your body really changes a lot and there will be times when you think "its ugly" and then you'll think "oh that looks good". It all takes time like anything else. Don't beat yourself up! I can honestly tell you that my ultimate experience so far is that I feel absolutely beautiful and healthy. Truly wonderful inside and out.
I am the leader of the support group in my area now too. It takes a great deal of time and responsibility so I guess it's a good thing I lost all that weight! Haha I strongly recommend attending a support group. It's very helpful and you really feel like there are people who know how you feel and have experienced the same things. I learn and purge in my group too, I'm not just the leader! It will really aid to your success, whatever level you would like it to be.
Bye for now and I will post those pictures soon, you will not freakin' believe it!
