January 11, 2009

Jan 11, 2009

OK, so I am back. I was told to journal. My therapist said that it would help me get on track and realize when I was out of control. It will make me be accountable.   So for the last year or so I have been paying with my pouch. I have found every way around being healthy that you can imagine. I have done nearly everything that I PROMISED myself that I wouldn’t do if I had this procedure done. When I decided I was truly out of control and needed to go back to see a therapist he stated that many who have the surgery need to continue to see someone for guidance. You didn’t get to the place you were at by being a happy, well balanced and health conscious person. What makes you think that a medical procedure that alters your eating abilities would cure you? It is in your head. You need to work on that and then let the tool of the RNY work to help YOU!   Well, slap me aside the head a few times!! That makes sense~     In just two meetings I found that over the past year I was letting life happen to me. I am not sure when or where I decided (YES I decided) to allow life to take over and I went on auto-pilot, but that is what I did. I have had some real work issues. In my job we have had substantial turnover and I was asked to ‘step up’. Is that a dream come true or what!!! I have finally been recognized as competent and worthy (OK so in my mind.. that is how I felt)  In doing this my average weekly hours went from 50 to 70. And if that isn’t enough I was asked to begin teaching grad level. What an honor right? Well I guess it is. It is part of my ‘retirement plan’. That as I age to pick up teaching so that when I decide to hang my HR hat up for good, I can dabble for extra income in teaching. I see way to many people work until they are 70 (mostly because of necessity) and I don’t want to do that. I want to travel and enjoy life. Ironic I just said that huh. What about enjoying the NOW? Hum. I think I just had an epiphany’!      Well anyways, for new years I decided that my goals would be to focus on me. Get back on track. One of my goals for 2009 was to daily check in with OH. Keep the focus.    In my discussions with Tom (the therapist) he mentioned that I have allowed life to make decisions for me. He was right. What I found was that I allowed my life to get really cluttered.   I say clutter because over the past year I have let ‘stuff’ come into my life that pushed me to the back of the line. Work, family, and quite honestly anything else that needled its way into my path. I started by literally cleaning my office at home and work. I then did the same to many of the rooms in my home. If I haven’t used something in the last year I sent it to recycling. All those magazines I said I would get to… gone. (Ok except for the self and shape ones… I like to read those while I am on the elliptical). I stopped all my subscriptions to my food porn. (I cant believe how many web and paper magazines I subscribed to that related to food preparation!!) Without the distractions of guilt feelings that I should be doing “X” I can focus a bit more on me.    One of the steps I need to do to be healthy is to contact my RNY Dr. I haven’t seen him in more than a year. (I chose not to contact him on my 2nd year surgiversary, I was ashamed).  I am going to schedule an appointment with him.    I have also tried to focus on healthy distractions (if that makes sense) I have been listening to many of the iTunes podcasts from OA (overeaters anonymous) and honestly it has actually helped. I have felt out of control and almost drawn to food like an addict. I never used to like tootsie rolls or hot tamales candies and over the past year they have become an obsession for me. I think it is because they are small and give satisfaction because of they are difficulty to chew. I have also become a sneaky eater. I sneak food? Why is that huh?   As I was channel surfing last weekend I saw an update for the Oprah show.   I am not someone who often watches her but I do admire her for her brutal honesty about her weight issues so I TiVo’d it and watched it yesterday. So much of what she said hit home for me. Ironically she had Carnie Wilson on who I really enjoy following again, for her focus on choosing to be healthy yet being human and falling down like the rest of us. What was weird was her interview yesterday was the first time I didn’t enjoy what she said. She looked wonderful, which I was really happy for her but what she said sounded fake. I never got that from her books or interviews in the past. Kind of like she was acting. Oh well. Who am I to judge? What she has done for herself is terrific.   Back to me!! Remember 09 is all about me!   So I decided that this is the last class I will teach for a while. I can’t really downsize my ‘day job’ but I can choose to schedule ‘me’ time into my day to exercise and to eat healthy. Well, that is it for today.

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