May 16, 2010....

May 16, 2010

I'm really, really struggling with my head.  I've been feeling like a failure because (hmmmm....what else?) I gave into a few binges...and REGAINED THE WEIGHT I LOST.  So, as of a few days ago...I was back up to 362 again.  I feel so ashamed.  But I'm trying HARD to get back on track and challenge myself on the reasons why I binged.  I've been lurking on the boards...reading meltingmama and lisa sargese's blogs...watching the wls YouTubers who've been posting on all sorts of issues -- especially the new post-ops like designsbypatricia.  And I watched my first episode of BariatricTV.  And I'm feeling inspired.  I took some "before" pics of myself -- really REAL pics of me in my bra and I've posted several of them around my apartment to remind me of what I'm working towards.  They are ooooh-so-very sobering.

So, I'm climbing back on-track now...I've been riding my stationery bike a few times a day for the past several days in addition to getting back to the shakes and low sugar/low carb protein bars, cucumbers and water.  And, as of today, I'm down to 357.   I'm back to keeping track of my food on mydailyplate.  I keep thinking about it like how I try to stay on top of my checkbook and household spending -- this is what I NEED to do to keep myself in check.  I need to remember how good it makes me feel to accomplish my nutritional goals -- and the weight loss goal for surgery.  I've waited so long for wls.  I'm tired of this sabotage -- What the fuck am I doing?  I think I know the answers....it's partly fear of losing my "protective cushion" to the way I interact (or don't interact) with the world...and partly that I don't feel worthy of being happy and healthy.  Sweet goddess...I'm soooo grateful I'm in therapy. 

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