bridget77

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After moving so many times over the past several years, I am settled in a new town and have found a new surgeon. I was afraid to go because it had been 5 years since I had seen a doctor about my lap band. The new doctor had me meet with him, then the staff nutritionist, get an esophagram with barium swallow, and finally today I got my first fill. I had basically no detectible saline in my band and he is going to take it somewhat slow to make sure I get to the "Green Zone". 

After feeling like such a failure for so long, I now feel like anything is possible. Here's to second chances!

i turned 30 yesterday. it was a great day. i was 1 pound away from my goal of being under 300 and i feel AWESOME about it. having this surgery is the best thing i have ever done.

as opposed to my past birthdays when i sat around wishing i had done what i wished i would have set out to do - i can actually feel like i accomplished the things i wanted to accomplish!

30 will be the best year yet. i can feel it.

i haven't blogged in a while!

i feel great. i have had 2 fills, and this last one has really helped me get more of a control on my portions. i am getting another fill (maybe my last?) on tuesday. i think that will be my sweet spot, so to speak.

i am now down to 304.6... which means i am just a hair from being under 300. that was my first major goal. i wanted to do that by my 30th birthday - which is 8/24... i don't know if i will make it but i am so proud that i have lost what i have lost.

today is my 2 month surgery anniversary and to lose 32 pounds in 2 months is AMAZING to me and i just thank god that i have finally found a tool to really help me lose weight.

my puppy is helping me focus on the important things in life. i am a high school teacher and had to go back last week. the kids start coming on monday. i am going to use my puppy as a stress reliever this year and not stay too late beyond what i have to do and not take everything to heart and so seriously. i have already had one incident since going back, and i am just going to stay zen about the whole thing.

other than that - i feel amazing. and i'm so happy to have gotten this band!!!

this week has gone down hill since my fill. i have been eating solid foods for the first time - YAY! but i only lost 1 pound since last monday - BOO! i gained and lost a pound all week.

i am about to get my period. but i didn't exercise.

i have been going through a lot of stress with my job and my living situation and feeling stress for my sister's job and HER living situation... we both don't have the job we want and both don't live in the town we want. all i wanted to do was eat. but i didn't binge. i am sure though that i could have cut back on snacks. i eat sugar free popsicles like a madwoman at times.

maybe i should go back to OA.

i have this goal in mind of getting under 300 pounds by when i go back to school - which is the 17th of august if i stay at my current job... which may or may not happen... that means 10.5 pounds in 25 days. i would have to exercise practically every day to do that, i imagine. but i think it is doable.

eating real food again is a head trip. a REAL head trip. it was almost easier being "sick" so to speak and having to eat liquids and mushies... now i have to be healthy and eat real food.


i am going to make it through! i just know that until wednesday when i hear about this other job i am going to be stressed and PMSing... not the best combo for me.

i should take a new avatar picture. i hate the one i have it doesn't even look like me.

i had my first fill today. it was a BREEZE. i learned i have a 14cc large AP band. dr. rantis put in 2.5 cc's. he is a very nice man and knows what he is doing.

he didn't do any local anesthetic because he said he gets it on the first try most of the time. it really didn't hurt.

today is the first day i really notice a difference in my clothes. i tried on 3 of my tops today that didn't used to fit and THEY FIT. sweet. i am thrilled that all of my 26/28s will fit now and if i need an outfit i can go over to lane bryant and not squeeeeeeze into a 28.

personally things are kind of all up in the air. i might be leaving the school i teach at and moving.

i have a second interview tomorrow at a great school in the city. i will be teaching a lesson in front of some real kids for the principal and vice principal to observe. i am not nervous... and i attribute part of my confidence to the fact that i had surgery and i feel i am in a great place.

there is a lot of financial stress in my life right now but i'm trying not to get overwhelmed... but i have to really really work hard not to panic.

but the best thing in my life is my lap band!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am so happy i got it. i feel great. one month out and i have lost almost 27 pounds. yippee!!!

i am so bored. my best friend is gone on vacation. i am a teacher on summer break. i feel like i'm in a fragile emotional state so i am spending some time alone thinking... which is a positive and negative. i just feel so f-ing bored.

i'm worried today that i am not losing weight fast enough... even though i have lost 23 pounds since surgery. i barely eat and i feel like i should still be losing 1 pound a day like i did at the beginning.

i think partially why i am bothered is because until i get under 300 i don't feel like i look any different. i was shoving myself into my clothes for the past 5 months, and now that i don't have to shove, they fit. and that is depressing for some reason. i weigh now what i was weighing in january/february and so i feel sad. i want to weigh LESS than i have in a long time because of how hard i have been working. i know that doesn't follow any kind of logic.

i don't mean to complain, but this feeling of powerlessness is hard to deal with. i am at the will of my metabolism, my body, my surgeon and my band. i am following the instructions to a "t".

i want to eat real food, not just purees. i have gone on to be more of a mushy stage... such as eating cottage cheese without pureeing it... and today i had refried beans that were blended really well...

i miss the comfort of eating. it is the emotional eating that i miss sooooooooo much. i can't let myself fall into a trap of emotional eating, so i have all these emotions. and i don't want to have emotions.

bah. i think i'll go swimming.

it's funny how much i have realized that i am an emotional eater. i have caught myself twice since surgery.

for example i got in an argument a few days ago and the first thing i did was fix some spicy soup and eat more than i should of it. then just now i got a mini-disappointment and the first thing i did was think "what should i eat?" even though i had just eaten my lunch not even 15 minutes before that!

depressing to realize, but good to realize too. eating doesn't fix anything. when will i get that? i mean really get it.

eating because i'm disappointed is a very common theme. maybe i have too high of expectations to begin with. something to think about.

i'm on an organizational binge right now. it feels good to go through all of my stuff and get rid of some weight!

i have clothes that i have been moving around that i don't like and don't wear. i am going to donate them. because i don't think that i should have to be surrounded by all this STUFF i don't want or need.

i was looking online at clothes yesterday. my goal is to be a size 10, so i was looking at all different fashions and stuff. after a while i went and looked at the lane bryant website (where i have been shopping since i was 14) and i had this disjointed moment thinking that isn't the right size for me.

visualization is a big part of my day... imagining myself at my goal weight. i will keep doing that. and hopefully stop crying a lot.

i have the blah's.

well more like it i have my period, and i have cramps. i used to be an avid ibuprofen popper and ice cream eater during this time of the month, and instead i have to drink liquid tylenol and be on full liquids. so i don't have very good pain management because i hate drinking the tylenol and i don't have that ice cream crutch to lean on.

such is life.

the scale hasn't moved from 317.4 in two days.

i know this is because i am retaining water, but i am f***ing starving and still not losing weight?! i mean 500 calories or so a day and i'm not losing weight. it's very frustrating. i have to remember to be patient. PATIENCE. i have lost 19 pounds in just over a week and a half, so i shouldn't be complaining.

i can't wait to get through this full liquids phase and be able to eat some real soft mushies.

next week i can go swimming! that is something positive to focus on. other than that today i am not a ray of sunshine.

my appointment with dr. rantis went really well. i found out that i have the new AP band - which he said everyone will be using in 2-3 years. i couldn't be more happy about it.

also the good news is that three weeks from yesterday i'll be getting my first fill! and he said that he is going to be very aggressive and that after the fill to immediately start eating solid foods. and if that isn't enough restriction then i can have another fill in 2 weeks. i really gel with this surgeon and the way he thinks.

i am living on the most delicious full liquids... which are the chunky soups in a blender. i had dr. rantis clarify - but yes he considers full liquids to be anything that could be drank through a straw... just don't drink it through the straw. today was chicken and sausage gumbo soup. it was so spicy i thought i had died and gone to heaven.

today is the first day that when i weighed myself in the morning i didn't lose anything. but then i also got my period today so that makes sense. i just walked for 30 minutes on the treadmill and drank more water. 

yesterday i got flintstone vitamins because i had ordered bariatric post-op chewables and i was having to take 4 a day and they tasted like crap. i will take one of those and one of the flintstones as a compromise. ha!

i am eager to get my first fill! and i am also eager to continue to see the scale dropping. now i'll fit comfortably in my clothes, rather than busting out. so it's exciting that i'll have a whole closet full of clothes that actually FIT ME. amazing. :)