BrownBlossom

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So, I'm 3 years out now and I'm steady at 235 lbs. My lowest weight has been 195, and slowly over 6 months I've bounced back up to 235 - but I've been here steadily for another 6 months. I'm okay with it. I'm in the gym on a regular basis (now training for a 5k) just to stay healthy and active. I'm still struggling with finding that comfort zone in running that runners talk about, I've found it on occasion, but it's elusive. I do love working out though. I like the high and the calm after a good push. 

What else? I'm still vomiting on occasion, but again it goes back to me eating too fast. Who the hell has the time to have a solid one hour lunch? That's seriously what it takes me to eat a small salad still. But it's working out. 

My arms are flabby, far too much skin to bounce back. My boobs are not what I'd like them to be, but Nordstroms Rack sells amazing Calvin Klein bras for 16$ - I'm a fan. I just sometimes feel innadequate since this amazing guy in my life is a boob-man. He says he doesn't care, but I wish I had more for him to play with. TMI? Sorry. 

I sometimes have a hard time sharing my surgery history with people. I've realized how poorly society thinks of fat folk.  I really didn't see it before. I was never embarassed to be big, I was always confident and sexy and comfortable and happy. Now that I know how people used to see me I feel silly. I mean, it's nothing I give a crap about, but it's just... I'm glad my mother convinced me to do this. 

I love my life. I hike and swim (in a 2 piece) and run and ride rollercoasters like a beast. I horse back ride and go dancing. I feel healthy. I look healthy. And the BOYS - sheeez. I do get a lot of male attention. It's quite overwhelming actually. I got male attention before, but, please forgive me for saying this people, but this is just me being honest - the quality of men I've dated post surgery is radically different than before. This goes back to society and their views of our weight. I'm dating in my social class more: highly educated, socially conscious, driven, successful, confident, EMPLOYED. lol, inside joke. 

But really all in all, while there are things about my body and behavior that are related to having had the surgery that make me different than other women my size - I wouldn't undo what I've done in a million years. It was worth the trauma of the first six months. The shooting myself with a needle to stop blood clots, the sipping one ounce of liquid an hour, the crying fits and frustration, the wanting to smack someone, the extra skin and depression.... its hard in the first 6 months but it fades away and eventually fades from memory. As I'm writing this I'm realizing that I hadn't thought about this stuff in years. It's like it happened to someone else. 

I love my life. 

It's been six months and last night I made what may be one of my last trips to Lane Bryant. I am undersize for the ole LB. I went to buy a dress for a funeral I am attending later this week and everything was too big. I got two incredibly gorgeous dresses by the way - size 14. I started this surgery tight in a 28/30 and now I'm a fucking 14 and still losing. Things are good for me. I'm in Southern California now beginning a graduate program and learning to speak spanish and becoming Mexican. I'm healthy, taking both my vitamins and biotin everyday. Oh yeah BIOTIN people, it WILL halt or at least ease the HAIRLOSS. They sell it at CVS and it's inexpensive. I take two every morning and the difference was visible in the shower within a week or so and my nails are incredibly strong and my skin glows - take it! I'm still throwing up every once in a blue, but only if I eat fast. I can get down ad keep down some steak, nothing huge, but like carne asada stays down if I chew properly. I have had weird kind of issues with keeping food down, like sometimes scrambled eggs will not want to stay down and sometimes ceviche will give me problems, but I think it is more closely related to the speed in which I eat. Which is another pain in the asss. Everyone eats so fast and then there I am stuck trying to digest while people are ready to leave. But, I also know that people who are close to me understand and are getting used to it. It's when I meet new people and they interpret my slow small amount of consumption as insecurity that bothers me. And I just don't really feel like I nee to explain it to everyone either, you know? Anyway. Oh so I broke up with the boyfriend that was afraid I'd break up with him when I lost the weight. Interesting. Am I an asshole? Maybe, but what can I say, when the weight started to dissappear so did a lot of the prerequisites that made the relationship even possible. I'll talk more about this later when I don't have to go to class. Ok, I should go now. Late.

After discussing my mother's recent gain of nearly 30 lbs after my surgery, we have come to the conclusion that I am not losing weight, I'm just shifting it over to her. I guess this is natural though, right? She finishes my meals. We decide to share a plate at dinner I barely eat a 1/5th of it, but she thinks of sharing as half and half. So, she ends up eating more. I think this is natural.

Its been over a week since I've been in the gym. I'm writing here as a last ditch effort to guilt myself into going to the gym tomorrow. I stopped because (lame ass excues to follow) my ipod died on me and I have no music to listen to. I was losing myself in the treadmill in my music, letting my legs and ears take me to a place I'd really rather be, but now its just legs and they don't cut it. So, if I don't get an ipod for Christmas, I'll have to start to save what measly pennies I make to buy one. iPod donations welcome.

Ok not related to the WLS community, but I wanted to share that I was awaken this morning by my car window being smashed in by my lawn chair. Apparently one guy was overheard telling another to calm down and then the nice loud crackle of my back window being smashed in. Apparently the back passenger vent window will run me nearly 600.00 to fix. Happy effing Holidays!

So, I went to see Saw IV the other day and was kind of panicked over wanting to have something crunchy to snack on between gagging and screaming at the flick. Glenny's brand Soy chips are low in fat and calories and high in protein and absoluetly delicious. I like sweets so I go for the caramel or apple cinnamon flavors, but there are BBQ, Feta and Garlic and Ranch flavors amongst more. It's a little pricey for a bag (2.99 for an avergae small chips size bag), but so worth it.

I was dreading Thanksgiving. The thought of plates upon plates off turkey and gravy and stuffing and sweet potatoes being piled onto plates while I watch sent chills through me, beginning at my incision. But, I survived. It wasn't so bad. I ate a little bit of everything (emphasis on the little part of little bit). I was a bit dissapointed that I couldn't dive into the italian pastry box everyone was indulging in, but I went into the other room, had another spoon full of sweet potato and slowly licked it off the spoon. And, it passsed. I was alright. I had the sweet my body wanted and the consumption my mind wanted and I was satisfied. Really, I was. And, I know I shouldn't have, but I ate until I was full, and then later went back for more turkey. I didn't feel deprived. I ate sensibly and didn't indulge. Everyone's "Oh Becky, you look incredible" and the nickname "Slimcakes" worked at incentive for sure. Oh, and it was the first holiday I wasn't the sweaty one. One of cousins, who's currently the weight I started at, sat uncomfortably on the couch, and I saw myself as I watched her, wiping sweat, pulling her shirt to get air circulation and I remembered partially why I started this whole thing and realized how far I've come in less than three short months. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision, wondering how this might effect me in 10, 20, 30, 50 years, but it's these difficult times that offer the greatest learning experiences. Okay, I gotsta get in the shower - we are taking a family trip to see Enchanted.

Just dropped by to let you know that I wore the jeans, and -AND- I got the stares! So tired from dancing and so -SO- satisfied tonight. Love -LOVE- these jeans. Did I mention I love these jeans?

I have been holding on to these pair of jeans I bought on sale 5 years ago that are really expensive and really beautiful. It was the first and last time I bought clothes without trying them on. Needless to say they never fit and have never been worn. But today, as I prepare for a party tonight they are hanging on the door, freshly pressed and prepared for me to slip my new thighs and waist into their crisp cotton denim legs. I look at them and I swear it turns me on. They fit. And, they fit so sexy too. Mmmm I cant wait to slide into my golden tight blue denim jeans tonight and slink across the floor. Yeah, it was worth the three inch scar.

Hola peoples! Just checking in. I'm feeling good, I'm down about 65 lbs plus and very quickly shrinking out of my clothes. My ass is quickly dissapearing and I'm not very happy about it, but I expect a certain amount of awkardness until I'm where I end up. But my body is feeling good. I've been having a bit of an issue with muscle spasms in my legs which my surgeon thinks could be a potassium deficiency. My GP aggrees and I'm going for bloodwork on Monday, so we'll see. It could also be due to both starting a new job where I wear heels daily, and it could also be due to my near daily gym stints. Who knows. We'll see soon enough. Other than that, I feel good. I've been screwing up on the water intake, which I am currently getting back on track with. I need to be drinking more water tham I have been. Ok, I'm baking chicken strips with buffalo sauce for lunch, so gotta run. Later.