3 years out

Jan 26, 2011

So, I'm 3 years out now and I'm steady at 235 lbs. My lowest weight has been 195, and slowly over 6 months I've bounced back up to 235 - but I've been here steadily for another 6 months. I'm okay with it. I'm in the gym on a regular basis (now training for a 5k) just to stay healthy and active. I'm still struggling with finding that comfort zone in running that runners talk about, I've found it on occasion, but it's elusive. I do love working out though. I like the high and the calm after a good push. 

What else? I'm still vomiting on occasion, but again it goes back to me eating too fast. Who the hell has the time to have a solid one hour lunch? That's seriously what it takes me to eat a small salad still. But it's working out. 

My arms are flabby, far too much skin to bounce back. My boobs are not what I'd like them to be, but Nordstroms Rack sells amazing Calvin Klein bras for 16$ - I'm a fan. I just sometimes feel innadequate since this amazing guy in my life is a boob-man. He says he doesn't care, but I wish I had more for him to play with. TMI? Sorry. 

I sometimes have a hard time sharing my surgery history with people. I've realized how poorly society thinks of fat folk.  I really didn't see it before. I was never embarassed to be big, I was always confident and sexy and comfortable and happy. Now that I know how people used to see me I feel silly. I mean, it's nothing I give a crap about, but it's just... I'm glad my mother convinced me to do this. 

I love my life. I hike and swim (in a 2 piece) and run and ride rollercoasters like a beast. I horse back ride and go dancing. I feel healthy. I look healthy. And the BOYS - sheeez. I do get a lot of male attention. It's quite overwhelming actually. I got male attention before, but, please forgive me for saying this people, but this is just me being honest - the quality of men I've dated post surgery is radically different than before. This goes back to society and their views of our weight. I'm dating in my social class more: highly educated, socially conscious, driven, successful, confident, EMPLOYED. lol, inside joke. 

But really all in all, while there are things about my body and behavior that are related to having had the surgery that make me different than other women my size - I wouldn't undo what I've done in a million years. It was worth the trauma of the first six months. The shooting myself with a needle to stop blood clots, the sipping one ounce of liquid an hour, the crying fits and frustration, the wanting to smack someone, the extra skin and depression.... its hard in the first 6 months but it fades away and eventually fades from memory. As I'm writing this I'm realizing that I hadn't thought about this stuff in years. It's like it happened to someone else. 

I love my life. 

0 Comments