buzybee7
My Battle of the Bulge!
I’ve been in a battle with my weight for most of my life. Over the last several years I have debated the different ways to win the battle of the bulge. I have decided to visit the idea of having weight loss surgery. I didn’t just wake up today thinking that weight loss surgery is the solution to my problem. There have been many, many failed attempts at maintaining my weight loss. I have become an expert at losing weight but have not been able to keep it off. I have finally come to accept that I may not be able to do this alone. I understand that having surgery is not an “easy” way out. I understand that surgery is a tool to help treat my obesity. I expect to put in hard work during my journey. I am prepared to do the necessary steps to utilize this tool and help it help me succeed.
DIET HISTORY
I was teased and bullied as a young child. The neighborhood kids were mean to me; pushing, kicking, and hitting me and calling me “Piglet” (even before I was overweight). Being teased for several years took its toll on me. By the time I was 11, I had gained weight and resembled my nickname “Piglet”. I don’t think the only reason I gained weight was because of the teasing. My childhood was stressful and dysfunctional. My mother suffered from an eating disorder and mental illness, my father was an alcoholic and we were living in poverty. As a child I often hid food under my bed and ate to comfort myself. I believe these were huge factors in my weight issues. I remember my earliest diets starting at around age 12. As a teenager I was told “you could be so beautiful if you would just lose weight”. When I was 15 I went on a low calorie diet and rapidly lost 50 pounds by eating only one peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of milk a day and running laps around my back yard. A short time later I gained it all back plus some. At age 18 I went on another low calorie diet and lost 60 pounds. When I became pregnant at 19 I stopped dieting and gained a whopping 100 pounds. The weight gain caused complications with my pregnancy including gestational diabetes and preeclampsia. When I was 21 I lost 40 pounds only to gain it back after the birth of my second child. I struggled with my weight through 5 pregnancies. During 4 out of 5 of my pregnancies I developed insulin dependent gestational diabetes. During my 20’s I experienced several cycles of weight loss and gain. At one point I took the weight loss medication Fen-Phen. I lost minimal weight only to gain it back. In my late 20’s and early 30’s I experienced some very traumatic events that threw me into a depression. I used food for comfort and I hit my highest weight of 330 pounds. This weight gain led to one of the most shameful moments of my life. I was very excited and honored when my brother’s fiancé asked me to be a bridesmaid in their upcoming wedding. Unfortunately I had gained a significant amount of weight between the time I got measured for the bridesmaid dress and the wedding day. On the day of the wedding I was horrified to find out that the bridesmaid dress was too small. I was able to squeeze into it long enough to finish the ceremony but had to take it off right after. I missed being in most of the wedding photos and ended up going to the reception wearing a t-shirt and stretchy pants. I was an embarrassment to my entire family and left the reception after only 10 minutes. When I was 35 I started a diet of counting calories and walking. I was able to lose 85 pounds. I gained most of it back within 18 months. At 37, I dieted again and lost about 25 pounds only to gain it back. In spring of 2011 I tried out for the weight loss show “The Biggest Loser”, I didn’t’ make it on the show. At age 38 I bought a Body Bugg armband system. I counted calories and walked every day and was able to lose 55 pounds. Today, at age 39 I am finding myself inching back up the scale. I have gained back about 20 pounds. Desperate to stop the cycle I recently joined Weight Watchers. As of today, I have not had any luck with the program. I started my current journey for weight loss at 305 pounds.
MY HOPES
Every time I have attempted to lose weight and keep it off I have failed. The failure gets more painful with each cycle of lose-gain. It is time for me to explore surgery as an option. I hope someday I get to experience what it’s like to take my kids on an amusement park ride, go swimming or wear a swim suit without being embarrassed, play with my kids, fit in a canoe, fit in a patio chair, have more energy, climb a mountain, bend my knees without pain, fit in airplane seat without an extender, wear regular size clothing, not be embarrassed to get my picture take or be able walk down the street without having to carry my inhaler with me. I want to be able to believe people when they say that I’m beautiful and not think in the back of my head “I would be beautiful if I lost weight”. I’m scared of what the future will bring but I’m more scared of not having a future because of my weight. Underneath my "shell" of fat and skin is an outgoing, energetic, optimistic, creative, confident, adventurous, ambitious, capable, proud, self-assured, talented, upbeat, and wonderful person who cannot wait to burst out of her shell and finally become who I was meant to be! My doctor once told me that I have everything in my life put together but my weight. Getting my weight under control is the last piece to my puzzle.
