I'm pondering...

Jan 21, 2009

I've been pondering several thoughts lately - and it just seems to help to vomit them out here sometimes so they don't keep going round and round in my head.  Not sure there will be any value here for anyone but me - but, hey, sometimes it's all about me!

First, I've been pondering how f'd up it is that I can now blend in with "normal" people in spite of the fact that I'm still classified as obese.  Not sure if this is a validation of the statements about rampant obesity in the US today or a statement on my continuing body dysmorphia... but, either way, it's just a little odd on a daily basis not to stand out in a crowd.

Second, I've been stuck at essentially the same weight for some time now (almost 4 weeks) and I've begun to ponder if I am actually afraid to lose more.  I know this seems particularly strange, but I find myself snacking or having that one piece of candy more often, and I feel like it's almost a subconscious desire not to get smaller.  Consciously, I feel like I want to get on down to an overweight or possibly a normal BMI, but for some reason it feels like I'm sabotaging myself.  I have to work on this because I know that my honeymoon period is slipping away - plus I have to go back to see Dr. Walton next week and I'd like to see a bit more progress before then.  It's a very strange feeling - I don't remember when I was the size I am now, so I have no concept of what my body will be like if I get smaller.  I found some old pictures of my last week of high school - I think I was 5-10 pounds heavier then than I am today.  Maybe somehow my puny brain can't work with the idea that I'm trying to be the same size I was as a teenager.  I don't know... I'm hopeful that I can move on now that I've un-burdened myself of the very idea... we'll see.

Lastly (for the moment anyway), I've been pondering how much room there is around me these days.  I have extra room on BOTH sides when I sit in my recliner.  I have extra room on BOTH sides AND behind me when I sit in my desk chairs.  I have noticed that somehow, my steering wheel seems to have moved farther away from me - I may even have to adjust my seat in the car before long.  I even noticed that I was able to climb into my wife's car to pull it into the garage this week and didn't have to adjust the seat.  This was a BIG deal, as my wife is tiny and short and a year ago, I would have been stuck between the steering wheel and the seat back if I tried to get into her seat without first scooting it back to the max.   I kind of like this whole space thing, as I've always been big on personal space and now it's a bit easier to get.

Well - enough rambling for now.  I hope to be able to post soon that the purging helped and I've moved on down my weight loss path towards a "normal" weight.

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