Recovering inside and out

Mar 03, 2010

So I am one week post-op today and the emotional tidal wave has hit. While I am totally thrilled about the 11 pound weight loss since surgery (5 pounds lost 2 days prior on the liquid diet for a total of 18 pounds off in little more than a week). However, I am now experiencing all the emotions that I have pushed away for the last week "being strong" for everyone else. I am physically recovering well, I am up and about a doing chores around the house. I am pleased with that. I am glad to be strong in that way. But emotionally I am faltering. In the hospital I worked hard to overcome the pain of surgery to get up and going so that I could be in a good place to have visitors.....except.....no visitors. Not one. Of course, my Mom and Dad and husband stayed with me in shifts and I am grateful for that. But not friend. Not one person from the church staff. No one. I made sure everyone had my contact information and I even texted everyone right out of surgery to let them know I was out and doing really well (so good for receiving visitors). But, no one.

I got one card (before the surgery). All the people who said that they would bring my family dinner (since I wouldn't be able to stand the smell of food cooking and didn't want them eating out every day) have failed to follow through. My aunt brought over a bag of chicken nuggets and french fries from Kroger that I had to cook. Someone handed me cash last night at church so they wouldn't have to bother bringing us anything (as if we couldn't afford for the family to go out to dinner). It makes me feel invisible and worthless and not worth anyone's time. If I had died in surgery it would not have had any effect on anyone at all except my family.

I went to choir last night and everyone was surprised and pleased that I was there. Then a sheet started going around about throwing a baby shower for a choir member who is barely there (a couple of months out of the year at most) for her 4th son (and her Sunday School class threw her a party last week). Now, I am not begrudging that they are going to throw yet another party for her. But it just smacked me in the face. I ended up having to leave in the middle of choir completely sobbing. No one noticed. Not that I was doing it for attention. I would typically handle these feelings by pushing them back, keep thinking positive, then go home and eat. But, I don't have the strength right now not to feel what I am feeling. It obviously is triggering really old feelings from my childhood of loneliness and worthlessness. I just don't know  what to do about it right now. I guess I am in recovery in lots of ways.

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