charlenecarlile
September 29, 2008 - So much for new beginnings! I really did think, a year ago, that I was starting over. It didn't happen. Here it is a year later and andI am doing terribly bad, weight wise. I had an EGD done several months ago and was told my stoma is stretched out and my pouch is the size of a softball. The doctor wasn't able to tell me if the failure was my fault or whether the surgery failed me. Knowing how I have been eatingfor the last 18 months or so, I really feel I have to take the blame of my shoulders.
I was hoping that I could possibly have a revision surgery done, but the funds are just not there and now that I have lost my job, there is just no way it is going to happen, at least not now.
I lost my first surgery angelette last week. She was a lovely lady with everything to live for. She researched the surgery she wanted to have, made the choice that was right for her, and did everything right after her surgery,..and died as the result of a blood clot. My heart breaks for her and the beloved husband she left behind, and for everyone who knew and loved her.
October 1, 2007 - A new beginning. I am starting over as of today. I posted on the train this weekend that I have been eating wrong and gaining weight. I am unhappy here and I need to get back on track. I am approaching my 4-year anniversary and I want to be actively losing and feeling better about myself when I get there.
I fought so long and hard for the opportunity to have surgery, and when I was fortunate enough to have it, I swore I was going to be the model WLS patient. I did everything "right." I was a superstar. I lost more weight than I had even thought possible and got to the point were I was defending myself when folks said I was "too thin."
Well, no one is saying that anymore, and I can't defend myself now. I blew it. As my friend David said, I believed my own press and it went to my head. I started allowing myself carbs and sweets and before long, I stopped, "dumping." and actually started craving sweets again. The pounds have returned with a vengeance. Oh, how I wish I could start "dumping" again!
Enough is enough! It is time for me to get back on track and become accountable for my failure and, in turn my success.
OLD PROFILE 5/10/2003 through 3/16/2006
5/10/2003 - I started the process of trying to get WLS back in September of 2001. I had an encouraging consultation with a surgeon who thought I was an excellent candidate for the Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass surgery. Unfortunately, while I was in the consultation, his nurse was on the phone with the insurance company I was using at that time. They told her--emphatically--that WLS was excluded on my plan. The doctor told me to come back and see him if my insurance coverage ever changed. I changed jobs shortly after that but, unfortunately, WLS was excluded on their policy as well. I didn't give up the dream! I changed jobs again in June of 2002, and discovered that WLS was NOT excluded from my new company's policy! I waited about six months and then began the approval process. I have received two denials to date. I have wanted this for too long to just give up without a fight. I am so glad I heard about this site. There is a wealth of information and support to draw from....
06/13/2003 - I know there is a thin person inside of me waiting to get out so she can feel better, look better, and live longer! I feel so beaten down by Cigna HMO. I believe that this surgery is the right thing for me, but I just can't convince Cigna to approve me. I sent my third package (2nd appeal letter) out on 5/23/03. I copied everyone this website suggested, and now I am waiting with everything crossed!They sent me a release form to sign and return to them in order for an independent review board to see my information. Has anyone else been at this stage with Cigna? Is this just another stall tactic to get me ready for yet another denial, or is it a hopeful sign?
6/17/2003 - Still waiting to hear from Cigna. Every profile I read reinforces my desire to have this surgery. The before and after pictures are such an inspiration! The wait is killing me!
6/19/2003 - I turn 50 next month. I've been dieting since I was ten years old. I have tried everything from hypnosis to Optifast to lose weight. I'm a very successful dieter --I almost always lose all the weight I set out to lose. The problem is, I usually gain back about a pound and a half for every pound I've lost. I came to the conclusion several years ago that, for me, dieting was fattening, and I swore off diets. That seems to be what is preventing me from getting an approval from Cigna. I don't have those darned documented diets they seem to cherish more than quality of life. Pardon me for venting here but... does anyone else think that having proof of documented diets is more important than curing diabetes, sleep apnea, vericose veins, nueropathy, and a BMI of 62.5, with one (albiet major) surgical procedure?????
6/22/2003 - Today came with good news! I had been investigating and learning about WLS for quite some time before I decided it was the right thing for me. I didn't tell anyone I was thinking about it until I had made my decision. The first time I broached the subject with my mother, she got a little snappish, and didn't really want to talk about it. Week after week, I've approached the subject a little more, and while she is still not enthusiastic, she has been trying to be open about it. Today she blew my mind. She told me - out of the blue - that if I got the insurance approval, she and my dad would travel from California to Texas to stay with me for as long as I need them! WOW!!! That was huge! It made me so happy to get that support -not to mention that I was a little nervous about taking care of myself post-op as I live alone. Now if Cigna comes through, I've got it made! My fingers are crossed so tight it's leaving a mark! I should have an answer on my 2nd appeal on 6/28/03.XX(fingers crossed)
6/23/2003 - I acted on faith tonight and went to Dr. Veninga's WLS Seminar. I was very impressed by Dr. Veninga. It was all I could do to refrain from running up and hugging him. He laid everything out about the surgery --the good, the bad, and the ugly, and I still want to do it more than ever! C'mon CIGNA! Have a heart!!!!!
6/27/2003 - I was hoping to hear from Cigna today on my appeal, however I just called them and I was told they probably wouldn't have a determination until July 2. I think they are intentionally torturing me! They are a sadistic group....
6/28/2003 - Not only is Cigna sadistic, but they are liars as well. After telling me on the phone yesterday that they were still considering my approval, I received a denial in the mail today. It was mailed on June 25th. The reason for the denial is that I don't have documented proof of two 6-month medically supervised diets. If there is anyone out there reading this that can tell me how to get around this vicious ruling, please contact me and share the secret with me. I want this surgery so much. I miss walking without pain, I miss taking a bath because I can't get into or out of the tub. Getting out of my car is getting harder every day. I am missing so much of life and I fear that I won't live much longer with the co-morbidities I have. (Sorry for the pity-party; I just feel so bad that Cigna could deny my heartfelt appeal)
7/2/2003 - I know I need to get cracking on my third appeal -- this is the one where I get to actually meet with a panel, but I can't seem to find a starting place. I gave my all to the first three attempts, and I don't know what's left for me to fight with. ****ARGHHHHHH**** Thank you for letting me get that off my chest!
7/4/2003 - OK, I'm through with my pity party and now I'm ready to jump back into the fight -- after all, my life is worth fighting for. And if Cigna knocks me down again, I know, at least that all is not lost. I can switch insurance companies at the end of the year and try again. I've been fighting this weight loss battle for 40 years; what's six more months??? Oooh, I like it when I get tough!!! GRRRR!!!
7/11/2003 - I understand that the other insurance option that my company offers also requires documentation of previous weight loss attempts , but only for 6 months. So I bit the bullet and joined Jenny Craig. After just one week, I have to say that I don't think I have the time, the stomach, or the money to succeed with this plan. The Jenny Craig "Cuisine" is quite pricey ($102.62 for just one week - and I bought the cheapest stuff), and I spent another $40+ on the grocery list they gave me to take to the market! Now all I do is prepare food, eat food, and clean up dishes -I'm going to lose my job if I keep this up. I don't have time to do my work with all this eating! YIKES! is that ME complaining about having to eat all day??? What's wrong with this picture?
7/19/2003 - I have been obsessed by my anger and resentment towards CIGNA, and I've decided that I just have to give it a rest for now. I have to believe that when it is God's will for me to have this surgery, He will show me the way. In the meantime, I can "get all my ducks in a row" so that I'm ready when it happens. I really haven't received a great deal of support from my PCP. Her patient load is just too large, and she doesn't have a very supportive or reliable staff. I signed up with a new doctor. I will see her next week for the first time. Maybe she will be the key to unlock the door. I'll just have to wait and see...
7/25/2003 - Ain't it nifty..oh, Lord, I'm fifty!!! How can I be fifty years old? I don't feel fifty years old! I'm SURE I don't LOOK fifty!!! It seems like yesterday I was too young to do so many of the things I couldn't wait to grow up and do, and now I'm too old to do them! God willing, this will be the year that I get the surgery, and get the weight off my body. Then I will be able to enjoy this decade and the next and the next, and so on, in a thinner, healthier body.
7/27/2003 - I was so overwhelmed by the birthday wishes that came from my WLS friends. I have to remind myself that I don't actually know all these people on this site. We all share so much of ourselves, however, that I think I know more about my "virtual" friends than I do my actual aquaintances.
I know how reclusive I have been at various times in my life, when I have felt isolated and lonely because of my weight and because of my obsession with food. People generally see me as outgoing and festive, because that is the face that I show the world. I want that to be the reality instead of the act. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I just want to put it out here, so I can reflect on it later in my journey.
Jenny Craig called and told me I couldn't come back until I had a written doctor's release because of my diabetes. Nothing I can do until I see the PCP next week.
8/1/2003 - Met with my new PCP today. She seems nice. I told her all about my Cigna woes, and filled her in on what I was trying to do with Jenny Craig: to use them to establish diet history when I make my next appeal. She discouraged me from going back to Jenny Craig and suggested instead, that I let her give me a prescription for diet pills and follow the "SugarBusters" diet. Since I can't stand Jenny Craig, I was gung ho! Her nurse brought in the prescription and I went to check out. I was told that this visit would be $70.00. I told her there must be a problem; that my co-pay should only be $15.00. She said that the extra $55.00 was for the weight loss consultation and prescription. Each month when I come in to pick up my prescription, there would be a $55.00 charge. I told her I was not prepared to pay that much today, and she asked me for the prescription back! Is this standard operating procedure????
9/13/2003 - Yikes! It has been six weeks since I updated my profile. I have had such a hard time pulling myself together to prepare my third appeal. The last denial just about did me in! (I still can't believe I yelled at God - gulp) It was difficult to set myself up for the possibility of being denied again. But I girded my loins yesterday and presented my appeal. Now the waiting game begins. I sent out a prayer request yesterday and, as always my beloved AMOS family came through and overwhelmed me with kindness and support. Thanks! I just love you guys!
9/24/2003 - Diana Meyers at Cigna's National Appeal Center said I should hear something today from the board. It could go one of two ways; they could overturn the denial at this level and the waiting would be over (Please God!) Or they can uphold the denial and pass it on to the Committee Panel for additional review on Wed. October 1, 2003. I didn't hear anything all day so I called Diana at the end of the day who said no decision had been reached but she would call first thing in the morning.
9/26/2003 - Called Cigna around noon and asked Diana for an update. She said they were very close to a decision and that she would call me back. She finally called back at 6:00 P.M. and told me that they were upholding the denial. I broke down in tears of anger and frustration and begged her to tell me why. She wasn't able to answer me but said that my case will now go to the committee next week, on October 1. I will be there to plead my case one last time.
9/29/2003 - I spent the entire weekend in bed. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me once again. I have done and provided Cigna with everything they require. I will be there when the panel meets on Wednesday, but I don't believe it is going to do any good. I feel so hurt and defeated. This is my life and health and Cigna treats it as if it were nothing. It breaks my heart...
10/1/2003 - I can't believe it myself, but Praise the Lord! I got the approval from Cigna. I went before the Appeal Panel this morning. There were three people in person and three more on conference call. I presented my case (tried to do it unemotionally - but that was hard). They asked some questions and excused me. They said they would vote before the end of the day and that they would call me with the results. And they did! And they APPROVED me! I think I'm still in shock. Will someone please pinch me...I'm afraid I may be dreaming! OUCH! Cool...I'm not dreaming!
10/4/2003 - Spending the weekend "getting all my ducks in a row." I've been cleaning my house, reorganizing the clothes in my closet to make it easier to jump from size to size as I (hopefully) shrink after WLS surgery, and fixin' to give away all the crunchy goodies in my pantry and freezer. I want all that out of there as soon as possible.
I purchased a few protein products at GNC, to get ready for the pre-op liquid diet. So far, I'm liking everything I've tried, but that doesn't surprise me because I loved the opti-fast shakes I lived on for nine months years ago when I tried that diet. The newer "designer" proteins are heavenly by comparison!
I have my Psych Evaluation appointment on Wednesday, 10/8, and my Nutritionist appointment the next day. After that, Dr. Veninga will schedule the surgery. I spoke to his nurse yesterday who said she thinks she may be able to schedule me in this month. WOW!
The strangest thing happened to me the last two nights: I sleep with the Nasalaire CPAP unit and during the middle of the night, I woke up with the feeling that I couldn't breathe, and a feeling like I was drowning in my own saliva. I couldn't get any air and I couldn't get the saliva down so I jumped out of bed, and while I was trying to breathe and swallow, I urinated right down my legs! I could swear I was having one mother of a panic attack -- but I don't feel scared or nervous about the upcoming surgery or recovery. I'm wondering if any one else has experienced this? And should I mention it to the Psychologist or keep it to myself???
10/7/2003 - Tossed and turned all night last night thinking about all the things I need to think about before and after surgery. I got up and made a list of all my medications and dosages in case the Psychologist wants to see that tomorrow.
10/10/2003 - I called the psychologist I met with last week. He said he is going to "Green-Light" me for the surgery (YIPPEE!). It will take him several days, however to get the report typed up and sent to Dr. Veninga; he hopes to get to it during the upcoming week. With all my heart, I wanted to leap through the phone line and grab him by the throat and tell him to, "Hurry the heck up!!!" but, as he hasn't actually written his report yet, I restrained myself. I didn't want him to change his mind and think I'm whack-o!
The dietician is also recommending me. I didn't need her recommendation as a condition for approval, but it couldn't hurt. It is all falling into place; all I need now is a date and an angel. I haven't officially asked for an angel yet. It is hard for me to ask others for help, but I will as I get closer to my date. Today I will enjoy my last diet soda, The two things I will miss the most are diet sodas and toasted whole wheat berry bread.
10/14/2003 - I have pre-op testing on Tuesday 10/28/03, and if everything looks good, my surgery will be on Thursday, 10/30/03! I put out a request for an angel today. I hope I get one!
10/18/2003 - I have an angel! Amy Mitchell from Turlock, CA will be doing my angel duty. Thank you Amy! It's just 10 days away, and I have to admit, I'm a little nervous. I will feel much better after I meet with my surgeon on Monday. I have been putting together a list of questions and concerns. (Sorry Dr. V.; hope your schedule is pretty open)
I still have to work out the logistics of getting to the hospital, home from the hospital, etc. My neighbors will be taking care of my animals while I'm in the hospital. It's much easier to ask for help for them than to ask for myself. I wish my family was closer... My parents aren't going to be able to come out as my mom blew out her knee cap, can't walk, and is waiting to hear from her doctor about a surgery date for a total knee-replacement. I'm actually more upset that I can't be with her during her surgery than I am about her not being here for mine.
10/20/2003 - I finally met with Dr. Veninga today, and it was well worth the wait. He spent so much time with me, and answered all my questions and spoke to me about all my concerns. What a nice man he is! I couldn't be happier that I selected him as my surgeon. We finalized all the details of my surgery. It will be at 11:00 A.M. on Thursday October 30, 2003 at the Trinity Medical Center in Carrollton, TX. I will be having Open RNY Distal. I know that it's not going to be easy with my high BMI, but I am confident that I have made the right decision. I am going in armed with as much information as I could find on WLS, and I'm going in with confidence in my surgeon, the love and support of my family and friends, and a deep and abiding faith in God.
10/22/2003 - I went into the Day Surgery Clinic today for my EGD. It wasn't nearly as scary as I feared it was going to be. I am so glad I chose Dr. Veninga as my surgeon. He has a wonderful bedside manner and I feel very comfortable with him. Today was my first encounter with the hospital I'll be in, and I was impressed. I go back on Tuesday, the 28th for pre-op tests and then it's on to the big day on Thursday! After all the time I spent researching and fighting to have this surgery, I can't believe it's finally happening! I am blessed.
10/28/2003 - All went well with my pre-ops today. They gave me this little thingy to breath into. I'm supposed to get the little ball up to 2500, but as hard as I try, I can't get it past 1750. I hope this isn't too big a problem I think I'll post it on the message board and see if anyone knows. My AMOS sibs seem to know everything!
11/8/2003 - Well, I managaged to survive the surgery and Trinity Medical Center (gasp!)
From the very beginning of this process, through all the research, the waiting, the trials and tribulations with CIGNA, I have kept my eye firmly on the prize...a thinner, healthier me. Let me tell you, the prize was NOT on my mind when I came to after surgery. All I could think about was pain, discomfort, and getting something to wet my mouth. I was in this state for 18 hours before someone realized that my IV was not in a vein and I was not receiving any pain medication. In between bouts of unconciousness, I remember thinking, "I asked for this. I begged for this. I fought tooth-and-nail for this. What in the HECK was I thinking????"
It is wonderful to keep your eye on the prize, but I wish I had better prepared myself for the surgical experience. It was much, much harder than I thought it would be. And I found out that I am a much bigger wimp than I ever could have imagined! I'm still having trouble getting my focus back on track, but I am working on it.
I thank God for my surgeon, Dr. Frank Veninga, in Carrollton, TX. He did everything right, and I thank him from the bottom of my heart. I just never want to go anywhere near a hospital again.
11/11/2003 - I'm not sure I'm doing this right. I don't feel hungry, but I do have head hunger. The problem is I am not feeling a "full" feeling. This morning I drank 11 ounces of protein drink. An hour later I ate 1/2 cup of baby cereal without feeling full. I would think that 1/2 cup would really overstuff my pouch???? What does "full" feel like, and where, exactly will I feel it?
11/11/2003 - I started walking outside today for the first time. I'm nervous to do too much because my incision is leaking and it looks like it's coming apart underneath the steri-strips (which, by the way are looking pretty ragged) I just walked once around my block, but it felt good to be outside. I will try to go a little further each day. I see Dr. V. on Friday about my incision.
11/12/2003 - My new friends, Alicia and Betsy are both having their surgeries today, so my thoughts are with them and their families.
11/14/2003 - I saw Dr. Veninga today. My incision is fine. It has healed so much just in the last couple of days. It must be the protein. The good news is that I've lost 29 lbs. I lost 15 pre-op and I've lost 14 post-op. I'm very pleased. I also feel great. My lung capacity has returned to normal after having a lung colapse after surgery. I now know that I made the right decision to have this surgery.
11/18/2003 - I can't believe how much energy I have. My incision is almost completely healed and I find myself just bouncing around. I will be going back to work next week. I just can't see staying out any longer when I feel so good!
I also signed up for the WLS cruise for next September. I'm hoping to be about halfway to my goal by then. It should be an exciting adventure.
12/24/2003 - Wow! I haven't posted in a long time. A lot of life has happened since my last post. The good news is that I've lost 60 lbs as of today. The bad news is just too depressing to talk about so we won't go there.
My co-workers felt so bad for me when my dog passed away, that they all chipped in and bought me a puppy for Christmas. He is a Llasa Apso, and just as cute as a bug. So now my spare time is spent potty training, blotting up spots and picking up poop! He's lucky he is so darned cute. BTW, his name is Dudley, but HE thinks it's "No-no, Dudley!"
My surgeon was thrilled with my progress and my blood work, but regretfully informed me that I have a hernia that he wants to operate on in the next three months. Normally that can wait until the panniculectomy, but I still have nearly two hundred lbs to lose, and he doesn't want me to wait that long to have it taken care of.
1/9/2004 - I am down from 387 to 316.8. I am so pleased with my weight loss. I am finally starting to see a change in my face and body. I sent off my size 34 dresses this week. That made me feel good.
1/14/2004 - I think my weight loss is finally starting to show. When I pass people in the hallways at work, I notice them giving me a second look, as if they're thinking, "What's different about her?" Someone actually asked if I had changed my hair! I saw one of my neighbors today when I took my dog out and she called me her 'incredibly shrinking friend!' That felt good, I am down 73 lbs.
1/30/2004 - Three months anniversary! Wow, it doesn't seem like 3 months have passed since my surgery! I'm under 300 pounds for the first time in I-don't-remember-how-long. My weight this morning was 296.6, which brings my weight loss to 90.4 pounds.
But today wasn't all good news. It was my last day on a job I've really enjoyed, and that is sad and scary. I've got resumes out all over town and I've had a couple of interviews but...no offers! It is times like this when I need to lean on my faith and trust that God has something for me. I honestly feel He led me to my last job, and He will guide me now.
02/06/2004 - I saw my surgeon this week for my 3-month check-up. He is doing my hernia surgery today. He says that my hernia is about the size of a bratwurst. Ewwwww! Remind me to skip bratwurst next time I go to Oktoberfest!
02/08/2004 - Ouch! Hernia surgery sucks! I am not feeling well at all. I'm going to have to cancel the job interview I had scheduled for tomorrow. I am having trouble getting around, and getting up, and getting down......
02/23/2004 - I am finally healed from my hernia surgery. I swear, it was harder to bounce back from than WLS! I was upset because I gained weight following the hernia surgery and am just now starting to lose again. I think my body was really pissed off at what I put it through! I am just a couple of pounds away from the Century Club, if I count the 15 pounds I lost preparing to have the surgery...which I DO!
I am still out of work and I don't have any likely prospects on the immediate horizon, but I can't give up the notion that God has a plan for me, I just haven't gotten there yet. It's getting a little scary though!
02/27/2004 - It is official! I am a proud member of the Century Club. I have lost 101 pounds as of today! I lost 15 pounds getting prepared for the surgery and another 85 pounds since my surgery on 10/30/2003. I am off all of my diabetes and blood pressure medications. What a miracle this surgery is. Thank you, Dr. Veninga...I know you were leery of taking me on as a surgical patient, and I know my BMI made your job more difficult, but you did a great job and, again, I thank you!
02/29/2004 - I invited a friend to got to church with me this morning. When she arrived, she pulled her car up behind mine, blocking me from pulling my car out of the garage. She cheerfully said, "I'll drive." I tactfully talked her into moving her car and letting me drive. On the way to church it dawned on me--I don't HAVE to drive all the time anymore. After all the weight I've lost, I 'm sure I would have fit in her passenger seat! I am used to automatically thinking that I'm too big and have to drive in my big comfy car. Next time, I think I'll let her drive!
3/28/2004 - I reached my halfway point today. I have lost 115 of the 230 pounds I set as a goal for myself. My friend and neighbor took some pictures of me to mark the occasion. This is the first time I have let anyone take my picture since my awful "before" picture at 387 pounds. So now I have a "before" and a "during." I am still excited to see the "after."
4/2/2004 - My best friend in Northern California sent me a ticket to fly out there for Easter. I am so excited. It has been at least four years since I last visited my old stomping grounds. I have been out of work for the last two months so I have been very conservative about spending. I've been diligently altering my clothes as I shrink. But I celebrated my halfway milestone by buying a few things for my trip. I went to Walmart and bought some capris, a few tops, a bathing suit, two new bras and six new panties. I feel like I have a whole new wardrobe! I got home and laid everything out. I felt like a kid after school shopping! I was pulling out shoes and accessories to match everything. What fun!
The best part was the dressing room. I was a size 34 or 6X at the start of my journey. I could never have purchased anything in a regular store--I was even too large for Lane Bryant. So I started into the dressing room with the largest size I could find, which was a 26/28--WAAAYYYY too big (yippee). So I tried the 22/24-- the tops were okay, but the capris were too big. I ended up with capris in size 18/20 and tops in size 22/24 and that is just thrilling to me.
4/14/2004 - I fit in the airplane seats and didn't need a seat belt extender! I felt so normal! And I didn't huff, puff and sweat rushing through the airport. The only part that took me aback was--what the heck do you do for two hours in an airport when eating is no longer your favorite way to pass time???
I had a great time seeing old friends in California. They all ooh'd and awe'd and gushed over how much weight I'l lost. I loved it! They sent me home with a lot of new clothes too, so that was a great plus! My best friend's son turned two while I was there. He is so precious, it broke my heart to leave them. If I had stayed in California, that child would have been so spoiled, his little feet would never touch the ground! What a cutie pie!
4/22/2004 - If I don't find a job soon, I am going to open a vein. I swear, it has never taken me this long to find a job. I can't even score interviews--what's up with that? I am registered with nine placement agencies, I have a bachelor's degree in business and twenty plus years of experience in my field and I don't even get acknowledgements on the resumes I send. How sucky is that??? Not to mention rude!!!
The good news is that I'm down 130 pounds, my hair is coming back nicely and, thanks to the extended time off work, I have a great tan. My house is clean from top to bottom and there is not a single weed to be found in my yard. The bad news is that if I don't get some income soon, I won't be able to pay my mortgage. YIKES!!!
5/27/04 - Still looking for a job. I was offered a job as a Family Support Counselor at a Cemetery and I was supposed to start the training today, but my inner angel (and everyone on the message board) told me not to take it. It was a commission only job and I just felt it would be wrong to have my livelyhood depend on what I could sell to greiving family members. It just felt yucky! So I'm back on the job boards, posting resumes, following up leads, calling agencies. I have a few possibilities in the works for next week. I'm keeping everything crossed.
I'm down 147 pounds, but I'm going through a phase where I think I look fatter now than I did, say...last month. The mind is an evil contraption! I know I'm getting smaller because I have to alter my clothes nearly every time I wear them. I actually bought a couple of size 18s last week and they fit! Maybe my weight is just redistributing, because it's my stomach that's bugging me when I look in the mirror. Maybe I just won't look in the mirror for a few days!
I haven't updated my profile since the OH Convention. No reason...just haven't gotten around to it. I had such a GREAT time and I met so many wonderful people there. I met a lot of people from the Texas board; they were so sweet. They even bestowed upon me my own DIVA name. I am officially "Brown Sugah Diva." I love it! I can't say too much more about what happened at the convention because, "What goes on in Texas, stays in Texas." We'll just say a good time was had by all, and leave it at that. (But, between you and I, this group REALLY knows how to party!)I can't wait until next year!
6/2/04 - I'm one pound away from the "Century and a half" club. I hadn't lost anything in a couple of days so it was nice to see 238 on the scale this morning. I feel so good about losing 149 pounds. But then I read a couple of profiles of people who's STARTING weight was 238 pounds and they talked about how fat and disgusting they were at that weight. I feel almost svelte at this weight! My surgeon has put 179 as my goal weight, which is only 59 pounds away. He feels that 179 is a weight that my body would be comfortable with and I would be able to maintain. He has been right about everything else. so I know he is probably right about this, BUT I was hoping to get a little smaller. I think 179 would put me in a size 14, and I was hoping for a size 10, but....we'll see how I feel as I get closer!
We had a HUGE storm here in Texas last night, We lost power for a long time, and the tree in my front yard blew over. I had an interview scheduled at 1:00 today for a job I'm really interested in. They just called and asked to reschedule because of the storm (???) Of course I said okay but I'm really disappointed. We rescheduled for the 8th at noon.
7/8/04 - I can't believe over a month has gone by since I posted last! It's true that time flies when you're out having fun! I am loving this summer so far. I am enjoying swimming and sunning and shopping..... I hit a sale at WalMart and I bought FIVE bathing suits! I don't think my entire past life includes 5 bathing suits total!
I had a big scare last week. It started on Monday, June 28th when I noticed a good amount of dried blood in my stool. I was trying to decide what to do about it when I felt the urge to go again. This time there was A LOT of blood. I decided to call my friend to get her opinion, but before I could get to the phone I passed out in my hallway. I woke up with my puppy licking my face. I got up and again went to get the phone, felt a sudden urge to "go" again -- lots more blood. Next thing I knew, I was waking up on the bathroom floor (again, thanks to Dudley, the life-saving puppy!)I managed to get my friend's husband on the phone and told him I was bleeding and passing out. I must have passed out again because when I came to my friend, Karen was there putting a blanket over me and telling me that an ambulance was on the way. I passed out again and when I came to, my living room was full of EMTs and firemen. They put me in an ambulance and started trying to put in a line but they couldn't find a vein. Just as I felt myself starting to slip away, I heard them say I was "bottoming out." I started praying out loud and I guess they found a vein. They took me to the hospital where I was admitted. They planned on running some tests the next morning. When the morning nurse came in, she took my blood pressure and I heard her say, "This damned thing isn't working! Someone get me a cuff, I'll pump it up myself!" She was ticked because the electric BP monitor said my blood pressure was 70 over 38, and that was just impossible! Or so she thought. When she pumped me up the old fashioned way--sure enough--my blood pressure was 70 over 38. They immediately rushed me to ICU and started blood transfusions. Four transfusions all together. I was in ICU for two and a half days. They did an EGD, two colonostomies and an upper GI series,but they were unable to find the source of the bleeding. The bleeding had stopped by Wednesday, and never started up again. I convinced them to let me go home Saturday night. I had spent last Halloween in the hospital, having my WLS. I didn't want to spend Independance Day in the hospital as well. I was released with specific instructions that I was not to go into the bathroom without my cell phone. If the bleeding starts again, I am to call 911 and instruct the emergency room team to do a "bleeding scan" as soon as I get to the hospital. I totally hope that never happens!
I was upset that none of the doctors taking care of me knew anything about gastric bypass patients, and no one called Dr. Veninga, my WLS surgeon. If they had, he might have been able to assist, and they would probably have found out what happened. Thank God, my friend, Karen, had the presence of mind to tell the emergency room not to tube me--bless her heart!
I missed posting my 8-month progress report, due to being in the hospital so I'll do it here. Despite my recent scare, my health is great now. My weight as of today is 214 pounds, for a loss of 173 pounds! Yeah! I have new pictures that were taken today and should be posted soon. I can almost see the finish line from here! I am only 35 pounds away from my surgeon's goal weight. I'd like to lose another 57 pounds to get to my own goal of losing 230 pounds and getting to a BMI of 25. God bless everybody reading this. Thank you for your concern, your interest, and your support!
7/28/04 - I am having such a wonderful summer. I am upset about not having a job yet, but that hasn't prevented me from really enjoying this summer in a thinner, healthier body. I calculated my BMI today and realized that I have gone from morbidly obese, right through super obese and I am just OBESE now that my BMI is 34. I can't believe that my BMI has gone from 62.5 to 34 in less than 9 months! I'm so grateful for this surgery. I haven't had any recurances of the bleeding that put me in the hospital earlier this month. My surgeon still has not received all my records from the hospital. It appears they have 30 days to transcribe the operative procedures and it hasn't been 30 days yet.
I had my third interview with Atmos Energy earlier this week. I was told by the agency that it is between me and one other candidate. I am hoping and praying that they pick me, and I hear something tomorrow. I really like what I've learned about the company and the people seem nice. It has been six months at the end of this week since I lost my job and my unemployment runs out after this week. YIKES!!! Say a prayer.....please!
7/30/04 - Nine months! Gosh, if I'd have gotten pregnant on Oct. 30, 2003, I'd be giving birth right about now! Instead, I'm 175 pounds lighter, and a whole lot healthier! What an incredible nine months it has been. My weight today is 212 pounds, which puts me just 33 pounds away from my surgeon's goal weight of 179 pounds.
On an unhappy note, I didn't get the job at Atmos Engery. It was between me and one other candidate, who was an internal referral, and they chose her. I was devastated when I got the news. I really wanted this job and I felt it was the right place for me. Nine months ago I would have comforted myself with a frozen Sara Lee cheesecake, a bag of nacho cheese Doritos, and about 10 Taco Bell tacos. (I'm not exagerating, I've done it before.) The thought of that now just makes me shudder. Thank God, food is no longer my only outlet for pain and disappointment. I cried on my friend's shoulder, called my folks and cried on their shoulders, and spent a quiet evening cuddling with my dog and cat. They are so sweet when I'm sick or upset.
I confess, I'm having a hard time talking to God about this. I know I have to trust that He has a plan for me; I'm just getting scared that His plan for me is to lose my house and everything that I've worked for.
8/2/03 - Okay! Enough of the pity party! It is time to get back on the job hunt! I made my peace with God yesterday. I am going to have some 'splainin' to do when I meet face-to-face with Him. I've got to stop yelling at Him when I'm disapointed. (Gulp!)
As always, I have to thank my AMOS family for all the love and support. I don't know what I would do without y'all. I was able to go to the Dallas WLS-Coffee Support Group meeting Saturday morning. This is a great group, and I will go back. I wish it weren't so far away, but it was worth the drive.
08/23/2004 - I had another series of fainting spells last Tuesday, on August 17th. I was bleeding internally again and had to be taken, by ambulance, to the hospital. I was there for five days, in and out of ICU, blood transfusions--the whole nine yards. Well, the good news is that I got out of the hospital yesterday afternoon. They were finally able, after two hospital stays, to determine what is causing me to bleed internally. It seems I have a bleeding ulcer in the old, unused part of my stomach. This is causing me to have a condition called "pernicious anemia." I will need to have occasional blood transfusions and iron and B-12 injections, but, for the time being, I am okay. I hope I can hold out and have it surgically repaired at the same time I have my panniculectomy.
The better news is that I got on the scale this morning and I am finally under 200 pounds!!!! I love that little scale (at least today I do!) When I saw 199.2, I thought I was going to pass out again, I was so excited!
Now the BEST news! After 7 heartbreaking, frustrating months of unemployment, I got a call while I was in the hospital with a job offer. And not just any job offer, but the one of my dreams! Starting tomorrow, I will be the new Payroll Analyst at Carter & Burgess in downtown Fort Worth! God is so good! I have been commuting to Dallas from Mansfield for the last three years. My commute is now about 20 minutes! Hoorray!
08/30/2004 - Ten months! What a ride! (I'm actually writing this on the 29th because I have the time today, and I may not tomorrow!) I've lost 191 pounds, gone from a tight size 34 to a comforable 16 (some 14's) I am just 17 pounds away from my surgeon's goal weight of 179. I'm a little wrinkly and saggy, but I'm proud and I'm happy. My new job comes with a generous employer contribution to Larry North Fitness Center, so I started working out last week. (Go ME!)
I have decided that I am not going to tell my new co-workers anything about my WLS or my previous size. I want this to be a fresh start for me, with new people getting to know me for who I am now. I just want to be normal...
09/11/2004 - I need to pause and remember the anniversary of the Terrorist Attacks. (Coincidently, I had gone to my first WLS consultation the day before, on the 10th. The nurse told me, after my consultation, that she had just gotten off the phone with my insurance company, and that they had an exclusion against WLS.) I had taken time some off work because I was so stressed out about my job. So there I was, already stressed to the max, when I turned on the TV and saw the plane go into the first tower. I was so sad to see such a terrible accident, right before my eyes, on the television. Then the second plane hit, and my heart fell as it slowly dawned on me that this was no accident. I must have gone into shock because the next thing I remember was my mother calling me from California to tell me about the plane that went down in PA and the Pentagon attack. I asked my mom if this was the end of the world, had the Armegeddon begun? I will never forget the sadness and confusion I felt thinking about the people in the planes and in the towers and Pentagon. I couldn't wrap my mind around how many people were involved. I will never forget the sadness I felt.
But you know what.... the terrorists failed to accomplish their goal. They wanted to bring down, to cripple the United States of America. But, like a phoenix, we rose out of the ashes. Heros were made that day and patriotism was seriously restored and renewed. Our wonderful country rallied and embraced our new -- and fallen heros. I will never forget the pride I felt, just being an American.
WE CAN NEVER FORGET!
God bless you all, and GOD BLESS AMERICA!
10/17/2004 - It's just a couple of weeks away from my one-year anniversary. What an incredible year it's been! I thank God every day for the wonderful priviledge of having this surgery, my surgeon, and for this website. I would never have imagined it could be possible to lose over 200 pounds in less than a year! The candle on top of the (sugar-free) cake is the wonderful people that I've had the chance to meet! About 19 of us met up last night at the historic Stockyards in Fort Worth. We had a blast laughing, talking, admiring each other's successes, and comparing war stories and scars (lol). I think the final talley on our combined weight lost was something like 2146 pounds lost between the 19 of us there! Isn't that amazing??? We were such a good little group of losers! A good time was had by all! That's all for now. I'll check in again and post my thoughts on my actual anniversary. God bless all who read this...
10/30/2004 - It has been one year today since I had my surgery, and I wouldn't have traded this year for anything in the world! I love my new life, and I am so grateful to God, to my surgeon, to my family and friends, and to all of you, who have held my hand every step of the way.
The blessings are too many to name, but I had a nice WLS moment this week. The little 5 year-old girl who lives across the street came over to color at my house. She drew a picture of me to put on my refridgerator, and the girl in the picture was SKINNY!!!!! Kids have always drawn me round, but the me in this picture had a tiny waist, a long neck and curly hair...with a princess crown!!!! Wow, a year ago I was a round head on a round body and today I have a neck and a crown! It just doesn't get any better than this!!!!
My diabetes is gone, my high blood pressure is gone, in fact, all the co-morbidities that were rapidly killing me are GONE!!!
This coming year I hope to qualify for a little plastic surgery to take away some of the loose skin. If that doesn't work out, however, you will not hear me complain. I never thought I would be where I am today, and if this is as far as it goes, I can still be happy!
It was such a battle for me to get this surgery done, and the surgery itself was filled with mishaps, and I wondered for a time if I had done the right thing, but a year later I know that it was so worth everything I went through.
Thank all of you for sharing this journey with me. God bless!
11/10/2004 - AT GOAL!!! I reached my surgeon's goal weight today - 179 pounds, for a loss of 208 pounds. I would still like to lose another 14 pounds to get to my personal goal, but I'm very, very happy where I am right now. I'm starting to wear a size 12, and it feels really good! More later!
11/16/2004 - I had such a great time at the DFW Support Dinner last Saturday night. I felt pretty and I was so happy to see everyone. It is so rewarding to be around people who know what you have been through and how it feels to be succeeding. Believe me, I remember how it feels to be the biggest person in the room; I spent my life as that person. I will always be a morbidly obese person -- I'm just living in a healthier body now. Please don't misunderstand me, because I am so appreciative of this gift I have been given, but I refuse to apologize for my excitement. I am happy, healthy, and truly grateful. I have so much to "pay forward" in gratitude for all that was done for me during every stage of my journey.
2/7/05 - I have to share one of THOSE moments I had this morning in the break room at work: I was pouring myself a cup of coffee and I got my Low-carb Creamer out of the refridgerator and a lady in the break room rolled her eyes at me and sarcastically said, "Like you have to worry about your weight!" I could have just hugged her! I said, "Girl, you have no idea," and I told her that I have lost 226 pounds in the last 15 months and I thought she was going to fall over!
2/9/05 - I can't believe I had not posted here in so long before this week. I often post on the message board but forget to come here. I am still just estatic over the success I have enjoyed since my surgery. My world is completely different now, and I couldn't be happier. I am still lossing (slowly now.) My current weight is 161 pounds. I am wearing some size 8's but mostly size 10's and I am tickled to death with that! I am enjoying meeting more and more Texas OH members. This is the most loving and supportiv
