chas1980
happy birthday to me.
Sep 09, 2008
my appointment is at 2:30.
I am starting to get nervous.
I hope if there is something wrong with me, they won't be able to tell me today.
not on my birthday.
i hope everyone else has a wonderful day.
so far things are ok...just trying to relax and breathe.
so far today i ate
oatmeal.
that is it...i prob will have subway after my appt. i like the seafood sub
ill update it later tonight.
one brother texted me at 5 this morning telling me happy birthday.
and my other brother(the one i got into a fight with the other day) I sent him a text message at 6 telling him that I love him and that he has been a good brother to me and I just wanted to let him know that. I feel better letting him know.
anyhow. I will go now
I am starting to get nervous.
I hope if there is something wrong with me, they won't be able to tell me today.
not on my birthday.
i hope everyone else has a wonderful day.
so far things are ok...just trying to relax and breathe.
so far today i ate
oatmeal.
that is it...i prob will have subway after my appt. i like the seafood sub
ill update it later tonight.
one brother texted me at 5 this morning telling me happy birthday.
and my other brother(the one i got into a fight with the other day) I sent him a text message at 6 telling him that I love him and that he has been a good brother to me and I just wanted to let him know that. I feel better letting him know.
anyhow. I will go now
today is a new day
Sep 08, 2008
my mom called me this morning and asked me when my appt was tomorrow. she also asked if i wanted to reschedule it so she could go with me. a part of me wishes I could change it so i could have my mom there. but i cant...all my life all i ever wanted was a relationship with her.. a real one. but i put off going to the dr about the lump for too long. i cant keep denying it. i waited almost a month before i called the dr. not smart I do admit, but i was scared. there is a history of cancer in my family and I was scared.
anyhow...
today has been ok
i ate oatmeal for breakfast
an english muffin with peanut butter for lunch(snack) or whatever you call it.
so far that is it.
anyhow i will be back later
anyhow...
today has been ok
i ate oatmeal for breakfast
an english muffin with peanut butter for lunch(snack) or whatever you call it.
so far that is it.
anyhow i will be back later
just regular day
Sep 07, 2008
sore for the last two days.
I am so scared to go to the dr.
my appt is on tuesday.
at age 28 I have to get a mamogram due to a lump in my breast.
i am so scared.
this topped on top of everything else just is killing me.
I feel so alone in this world right now.
and sore.
I ate like a pig today.
i had oatmeal for breakfast
salad for lunch
and 3 tacos for supper
im so pissed at myslf for eating so much i wanted to puke.
I need help.why can no one see this...maybe they do...they might just not care.
i am also talking to the dr about my depression
i don;t want to die.
i want to live and be happy again. i was once. i can't remember what it was like cause so many bad things have soured it since. but i need to be happy again. I want to live a long happy life and look back on this one day and laugh at myself for being so foolish,,,but i am scared. that is why im going to talk to the dr about this. its a empty feeling and I hate being lost in the pit of it.
the things that i have that used to make me happy, dont.
I should have got help after the flood but i seemed ok...100lbs later and where i am now..is proof that i was wrong.
I just can't seem to push this one off...i need the help...and im scared to admit it to the dr i dont want to be made fun of....
i cant even harldy leave the house anymore.without being scared of whatever....oh well
i will write more later
I am so scared to go to the dr.
my appt is on tuesday.
at age 28 I have to get a mamogram due to a lump in my breast.
i am so scared.
this topped on top of everything else just is killing me.
I feel so alone in this world right now.
and sore.
I ate like a pig today.
i had oatmeal for breakfast
salad for lunch
and 3 tacos for supper
im so pissed at myslf for eating so much i wanted to puke.
I need help.why can no one see this...maybe they do...they might just not care.
i am also talking to the dr about my depression
i don;t want to die.
i want to live and be happy again. i was once. i can't remember what it was like cause so many bad things have soured it since. but i need to be happy again. I want to live a long happy life and look back on this one day and laugh at myself for being so foolish,,,but i am scared. that is why im going to talk to the dr about this. its a empty feeling and I hate being lost in the pit of it.
the things that i have that used to make me happy, dont.
I should have got help after the flood but i seemed ok...100lbs later and where i am now..is proof that i was wrong.
I just can't seem to push this one off...i need the help...and im scared to admit it to the dr i dont want to be made fun of....
i cant even harldy leave the house anymore.without being scared of whatever....oh well
i will write more later
crap=my life
Sep 05, 2008
last night my little brother came over. was all nice and then all of a sudden starts going off on me...which resulted in me going to my fucking room and crying after him and I argued about whatever he was pissed about for 5 minutes....i went to my room with the thoughts racing thru my head about wanting to kill myself...I did all I could to not want to pick up a bottle of pills and take them all.....I hate how people hurt me.
And today is even better.
I tripped and fell face first on the floor and I also had to make an appt for my dr to get shit checkd about the problems. And my appt is on my birthday. so I get to find out if I am sick...on my birthday. great.
Also I just called my mom to ask if she worked tomorrow and my peice of shit dad started cussing in the background fucking tell her to not be talking to....I told my cousin to tell her mom to make my dad go to the dr...
God Forgive Me for having a fucking heart.
this man molested me for 15 fucking years of my life and I actually give two shits about him not dying...and he fucking cusses me out....
WHy me....
I need something to change soon or I will just die....
Why do these peopole do this to me.
What did I do?
Wjhy would I be dumb enough to forgive my family when all they do is treat me like shit...
I just wanna crawl into a corner and die....
today was the first time in months i actually felt remotely decent about myself and once again just like the rest of my life they had to steal my joy.
and they wonder why im the way i am
depressed,suicidal,fat and hiding from the world.
I somehow deep down inside hope that I am sick that way at leasy God is finally releiving me from the pain I have gotten in this earth.
And today is even better.
I tripped and fell face first on the floor and I also had to make an appt for my dr to get shit checkd about the problems. And my appt is on my birthday. so I get to find out if I am sick...on my birthday. great.
Also I just called my mom to ask if she worked tomorrow and my peice of shit dad started cussing in the background fucking tell her to not be talking to....I told my cousin to tell her mom to make my dad go to the dr...
God Forgive Me for having a fucking heart.
this man molested me for 15 fucking years of my life and I actually give two shits about him not dying...and he fucking cusses me out....
WHy me....
I need something to change soon or I will just die....
Why do these peopole do this to me.
What did I do?
Wjhy would I be dumb enough to forgive my family when all they do is treat me like shit...
I just wanna crawl into a corner and die....
today was the first time in months i actually felt remotely decent about myself and once again just like the rest of my life they had to steal my joy.
and they wonder why im the way i am
depressed,suicidal,fat and hiding from the world.
I somehow deep down inside hope that I am sick that way at leasy God is finally releiving me from the pain I have gotten in this earth.
something i just found(might help me someday)
Sep 02, 2008
FROGS....
Once upon a time there was a bunch of tiny frogs.... who arranged a running competition.
The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower.
A big crowd had gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants.
The race began....
No one in the crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower.
You heard statements such as: "Oh, WAY too difficult!!" "They will NEVER make it to the
top." or "Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high!"
The tiny frogs began collapsing. One by one....Except for those, who in a fresh tempo, were
climbing higher and higher.
The crowd continued to yell, "It is too difficult!!! No one will make it!" More tiny frogs got
tired and gave up.
But ONE continued higher and higher and higher. This one wouldn't give up!
At the end everyone else had given up climbing the tower. Except for the one tiny frog who,
after a big effort, was the only one who reached the top!
THEN all of the other tiny frogs naturally wanted to know how this one frog managed to do it?
A contestant asked the tiny frog how he had found the strength to succeed and reach the goal?
It turned out.... That the winner was DEAF!!!!
The wisdom of this story is: Never listen to other people's tendencies to be negative or
pessimistic.... because they take your most wonderful dreams and wishes away from you --
the ones you have in your heart!
Always think of the power words have. Because everything you hear and read will affect your
actions! Therefore, ALWAYS be.... POSITIVE!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Woman In The Mirror
Walking past the mirrored glass,
I take a timid peek.
I see a woman staring back,
I’m too choked up to speak.
The puffiness, at last, is gone,
The skin is pink and glowing,
The many pounds that melted off,
Finally is showing.
Hard to believe, till recently,
This same woman was dying,
Stuffing food to ease the pain,
Heartbroken and crying.
Life revolved around each snack,
She lived for every meal,
Anything to numb the hurt,
She didn’t want to feel.
When did she get so pretty?
When did God remove the grief?
How did this miracle happen?
Who provided the relief?
What a gift! A second chance!
I thank God every day,
For His grace in showing me,
There IS a better way.
I walk, I dance, I make love too,
My heart is filled with gladness.
I’m out of bondage, out of pain,
There is no room for sadness.
This woman in the mirror,
Smiles softly back at me,
She has good cause to be so pleased,
She’s finally been set free.
Once upon a time there was a bunch of tiny frogs.... who arranged a running competition.
The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower.
A big crowd had gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants.
The race began....
No one in the crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower.
You heard statements such as: "Oh, WAY too difficult!!" "They will NEVER make it to the
top." or "Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high!"
The tiny frogs began collapsing. One by one....Except for those, who in a fresh tempo, were
climbing higher and higher.
The crowd continued to yell, "It is too difficult!!! No one will make it!" More tiny frogs got
tired and gave up.
But ONE continued higher and higher and higher. This one wouldn't give up!
At the end everyone else had given up climbing the tower. Except for the one tiny frog who,
after a big effort, was the only one who reached the top!
THEN all of the other tiny frogs naturally wanted to know how this one frog managed to do it?
A contestant asked the tiny frog how he had found the strength to succeed and reach the goal?
It turned out.... That the winner was DEAF!!!!
The wisdom of this story is: Never listen to other people's tendencies to be negative or
pessimistic.... because they take your most wonderful dreams and wishes away from you --
the ones you have in your heart!
Always think of the power words have. Because everything you hear and read will affect your
actions! Therefore, ALWAYS be.... POSITIVE!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Woman In The Mirror
Walking past the mirrored glass,
I take a timid peek.
I see a woman staring back,
I’m too choked up to speak.
The puffiness, at last, is gone,
The skin is pink and glowing,
The many pounds that melted off,
Finally is showing.
Hard to believe, till recently,
This same woman was dying,
Stuffing food to ease the pain,
Heartbroken and crying.
Life revolved around each snack,
She lived for every meal,
Anything to numb the hurt,
She didn’t want to feel.
When did she get so pretty?
When did God remove the grief?
How did this miracle happen?
Who provided the relief?
What a gift! A second chance!
I thank God every day,
For His grace in showing me,
There IS a better way.
I walk, I dance, I make love too,
My heart is filled with gladness.
I’m out of bondage, out of pain,
There is no room for sadness.
This woman in the mirror,
Smiles softly back at me,
She has good cause to be so pleased,
She’s finally been set free.
meh
Sep 02, 2008
my food so far...
i had oatmeal for breakfast.
and i ate a chicken sandwich just a few minutes ago...
drinking very little today...
I tried talking to my grandma about me wanting to switch insurances to one that covers gastric bypass...
and she just tells me if i watch my diet, it will losse weight....
I can't loose 200lbs on my own...im not strong...i cant even get out of the bed some mornings because of the fibromyalgia and thyroid, and depression addded to the mix to make it a even more fun ride...
either way....she said change my diet...
befre i started eating oatmeal for breakfast
i was eating nothing for breakfast cause it made me sick in the morning to eat...
i am so sad....i can't stop crying...she is the only person in my life who i have and She does not comprehend that I can't do this alone...she said something about some fullbar crap on tv and how it would be safer for me...does she realize how deadly I am to myself right now...being this heavy and depressed.....I am literally a walking time bomb....if the weight does not kill me...the depression willl....I am so scared...I know I will make it work if I can get the surgery, but I cant afford to pay out of pocket for it,,,even in mexico..i dont have 12,500 to spare..i just spend what money i had in savings to get a new home....since mine was destroyed in the floood....
I NEED HELP...IM TIRED AND SICK AND SAD AND ALONE...
I NEED GOD TO HELP ME HERE...
IM TIRED OF FEELING LIKE ALL IM ON THIS EARTH FOR IS PAIN....
IM TIRED OF BEING HURT BY PEOPLE AND BEING SAD...
i know loosing weight won't change everything but its a good start and I need all the help that I can get...i feel so alone...all i want is a friend.
I don't even have friends anymore.....i have basicly over the last few years pushed away all the friends i had since hs..i dont want to bring them down...i want to be happy...i was happier a few yrs ago than I am now...i was 100lb smaller and felt a lot better...but i want to be a better person...i want someone to love me again....not like my ex who almost made remarks about f*t ppl all the time and then realized what he was saying and stoppped...he did that in 04 when i was 100lbs smaller.
250lbs was easier to live in than this
sometimes i feel like i cant even breathe anymore....i have so much congestion in my chest or lungs...i dont even know and i am about to the point to where i really dont even care anymore....
why can't I be saved...GOD i need you....i used to beleive in you...
when i was up late at night crying myself to sleep all those years when my mom wouldnt leave him...you were my saviour....i need you God....i know I have had little faith lately, and I am sorry....I want to live happy again....I want good tihngs again....I want this demon I have inside of me to be released and for me to be myself again...the girl who used to love making others laugh just to see them smile....not the girl who goes out of her way to be hatefull and fight with others...I know i need help lord....please help me...
i had oatmeal for breakfast.
and i ate a chicken sandwich just a few minutes ago...
drinking very little today...
I tried talking to my grandma about me wanting to switch insurances to one that covers gastric bypass...
and she just tells me if i watch my diet, it will losse weight....
I can't loose 200lbs on my own...im not strong...i cant even get out of the bed some mornings because of the fibromyalgia and thyroid, and depression addded to the mix to make it a even more fun ride...
either way....she said change my diet...
befre i started eating oatmeal for breakfast
i was eating nothing for breakfast cause it made me sick in the morning to eat...
i am so sad....i can't stop crying...she is the only person in my life who i have and She does not comprehend that I can't do this alone...she said something about some fullbar crap on tv and how it would be safer for me...does she realize how deadly I am to myself right now...being this heavy and depressed.....I am literally a walking time bomb....if the weight does not kill me...the depression willl....I am so scared...I know I will make it work if I can get the surgery, but I cant afford to pay out of pocket for it,,,even in mexico..i dont have 12,500 to spare..i just spend what money i had in savings to get a new home....since mine was destroyed in the floood....
I NEED HELP...IM TIRED AND SICK AND SAD AND ALONE...
I NEED GOD TO HELP ME HERE...
IM TIRED OF FEELING LIKE ALL IM ON THIS EARTH FOR IS PAIN....
IM TIRED OF BEING HURT BY PEOPLE AND BEING SAD...
i know loosing weight won't change everything but its a good start and I need all the help that I can get...i feel so alone...all i want is a friend.
I don't even have friends anymore.....i have basicly over the last few years pushed away all the friends i had since hs..i dont want to bring them down...i want to be happy...i was happier a few yrs ago than I am now...i was 100lb smaller and felt a lot better...but i want to be a better person...i want someone to love me again....not like my ex who almost made remarks about f*t ppl all the time and then realized what he was saying and stoppped...he did that in 04 when i was 100lbs smaller.
250lbs was easier to live in than this
sometimes i feel like i cant even breathe anymore....i have so much congestion in my chest or lungs...i dont even know and i am about to the point to where i really dont even care anymore....
why can't I be saved...GOD i need you....i used to beleive in you...
when i was up late at night crying myself to sleep all those years when my mom wouldnt leave him...you were my saviour....i need you God....i know I have had little faith lately, and I am sorry....I want to live happy again....I want good tihngs again....I want this demon I have inside of me to be released and for me to be myself again...the girl who used to love making others laugh just to see them smile....not the girl who goes out of her way to be hatefull and fight with others...I know i need help lord....please help me...
blah
Sep 01, 2008
That pretty much states it all...
I feel like a truck run me over...
I am going to try and write down what i am eating again
my current weight as of last night is 353
as of today I have had to eat...
2 single serving bags of sun chips harvest cheddar flavor
6 triple chocolate preminum m&ms
a bowl of maple syrup flavored oatmeal for breakfast
a salad with tuna and cheese and a sprinkle of sunflower seeds for lunch...
YES I was bad....i ate the chips because i was upset...and the candy...i feel better when I have carbs...but I have been trying so hard to slowly cut carbs out of my diet....
I did really well with soda pop...I have not had a coke/pepsi in quite some time...2 weeks ago I had a 42oz sprite with strawberry from sonic...and i lasted me all day...other than that no pop what so ever......
I am trying because I want to feel better....I need to start putting me before everyone else...i deserve to feel better,..i deserve to be happier with my body....i deserve to feel that i love me again....
I have decided that now on whe i feel hungry I will get online and write in my blog here, tell my feelings about it, and start a crack at getting to the bottom of my addiction...my abuser affected my childhood and most of my adulthood....but I am learning that I am a survivor...I deserve good things...I do deserve to be happy.and healthy...
i will write more later
I feel like a truck run me over...
I am going to try and write down what i am eating again
my current weight as of last night is 353
as of today I have had to eat...
2 single serving bags of sun chips harvest cheddar flavor
6 triple chocolate preminum m&ms
a bowl of maple syrup flavored oatmeal for breakfast
a salad with tuna and cheese and a sprinkle of sunflower seeds for lunch...
YES I was bad....i ate the chips because i was upset...and the candy...i feel better when I have carbs...but I have been trying so hard to slowly cut carbs out of my diet....
I did really well with soda pop...I have not had a coke/pepsi in quite some time...2 weeks ago I had a 42oz sprite with strawberry from sonic...and i lasted me all day...other than that no pop what so ever......
I am trying because I want to feel better....I need to start putting me before everyone else...i deserve to feel better,..i deserve to be happier with my body....i deserve to feel that i love me again....
I have decided that now on whe i feel hungry I will get online and write in my blog here, tell my feelings about it, and start a crack at getting to the bottom of my addiction...my abuser affected my childhood and most of my adulthood....but I am learning that I am a survivor...I deserve good things...I do deserve to be happy.and healthy...
i will write more later
liv lite
Aug 28, 2008
I talked with a lady from there again, and now my insurance does not cover any of the surgery, last time in 04 when i checked into it, it covered 5,000 its total bullcrap that i have put tons of money into that over the last 8 yrs and they wont help me with an operation that I NEED to have...
grr
im thinking of switching insurance companies, but I am not sure how that would work, so im laying low...scared... blah
......
I have began to eat oatmeal every morning for breakfast
and a salad for lunch
so thats a good start on my own.
I hate myself tho. I hate looking at me...
sometimes i wish i could just get a knife and cut off all this ugly fat..sad thing is, I have no one to blame, i've been overweight since i was a kid, i don't know anything else....
whatever.....ill write more later...
grr
im thinking of switching insurance companies, but I am not sure how that would work, so im laying low...scared... blah
......
I have began to eat oatmeal every morning for breakfast
and a salad for lunch
so thats a good start on my own.
I hate myself tho. I hate looking at me...
sometimes i wish i could just get a knife and cut off all this ugly fat..sad thing is, I have no one to blame, i've been overweight since i was a kid, i don't know anything else....
whatever.....ill write more later...
eek
Jun 21, 2008
went to a family reunion get togeth thing today..thy always have a way of making me feel less than adequate illl write more about it later its 3am and i need to try to sleep
meh
Jun 18, 2008
i deleted what i wrote first because it was to personal...
long story short.
i am who i am
i was abused physically,emotionally,and sexually by my father for the first 15 years of my life
from age 15 to 18 i was in two differnt foster homes. first one was hell.so i thought.
second one ended up being worse...i now realize I would have been better off not running away from home and being abused by my father than to endure what my foster mom did to me. i graduated hs in may,99,
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
june 99
i moved out in an appt and i made the mistake of letting my so called best friend at the time move in with me...
she was into smoking pot. she had me try it one time.
so the next two months of my life consisted of getting high and drinking all the time. then she started stealing from me and never helping with rent. so i moved back in with my grandma.
-------------------------------------------------------------
september 99 found a house. got my grandma to co sign for me since i was to young to do it by myself at the age of 18. october 99 i moved in and got myself a cat.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
i worked two jobs for some time then i quit the steady job i had for the one who promised me full time...so soon as i quit they got busted for selling beer to minors. so i was out of a job. around this time i started bleeding..aka having my period constantly...and started being sore all the time..feeling sick..etc...found out i had thyroid problems and fibromyalgia.....those i have been dealing with ever since---
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
in april 2007 my grandma was put on oxygen and i took a WEEk off of work to help her out...i did not go back...
JUNE 2007 rolls around. my grandma finds out she has blood clots. she is put into the hospital for a week. the friday night I bring her home we wake up sat morning to a call from the city saying everyone in our part of town has to evacuate their homes, I had not slept all night cause I was speaking to a friend on the phone so luckily i woke up to answer it. by the time i got my grandma and I a set of clothes for the next day, since we thought it was only a temp safety major, anyhow i grabbed what photos jewelry and etc that i could grab...at the time we left my cat and my grandmas dog at my grandmas house. We did not think it was going to get bad ...So we went to my parents house since we had no where else to go. my dad and brothers went to town about a half hour adter we got to my moms to get my cat and grandmas dog. the water was already waste deep at my grandmas house...
My house was already submerged in water completely. It was condemmed I was not able to save a thing from there. luckily I had my cat with me at my grandmas at the time of the flood.
my grandmas house was not condemmed but it would cost her 40 thousand dollars to fix the flood damage and then the house would have had to be raised 5 in the air. also she was not allowd to go back in it ever again because of the mold.
----------------
from june 30th which is the day it flooded till august 26 my grandma and I stayed at my parents house. I never had the time to greive my loss. everytime i would cry or be sad my dad would yell at me or cuss at me saying to quit feeling sorry for myself. the first night we stayed there he threated to beat my ass because i didnt want to go to bed when everyone else did...so i spent the night locked out in the truck.....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
in august 07 i moved into temp housing and i lived there untill june of 2008
June 24th 2008 I moved into my home where I am now.
my grandma had to move in with me cause she could not afford to buy a house by herself. and we do not get along what so ever.
i wait on her hand and foot and she treats me like her servant.
she is very old fashioned and is ashamed of the idea that even want to have surgery...she thinks dieting and exercise will work.
not at my weight and state of shape. in my health it hurts to even get out of bed...let alone go running...anyway. I will write more later.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
CURRENTLY.
I had tried to keep my head abouve the water for part of my life. i tried to forgive my parents for the things of the past. i am starting to think that it was a mistake. I am slowly realizing that some people are just pure evil and will never change no matters how much you want them to. My mom chose my dad over me when she did not leave him when i was a child. I am very slow to give up on people. But i am there with them. they will never love me, no matters how much I try. so i will try to find ways to deal with this. but i dont know how....
things are just so crappy right now...and the thing with my parents make it worse..
------------------------------------------------------------------------
long story short.
i am who i am
i was abused physically,emotionally,and sexually by my father for the first 15 years of my life
from age 15 to 18 i was in two differnt foster homes. first one was hell.so i thought.
second one ended up being worse...i now realize I would have been better off not running away from home and being abused by my father than to endure what my foster mom did to me. i graduated hs in may,99,
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
june 99
i moved out in an appt and i made the mistake of letting my so called best friend at the time move in with me...
she was into smoking pot. she had me try it one time.
so the next two months of my life consisted of getting high and drinking all the time. then she started stealing from me and never helping with rent. so i moved back in with my grandma.
-------------------------------------------------------------
september 99 found a house. got my grandma to co sign for me since i was to young to do it by myself at the age of 18. october 99 i moved in and got myself a cat.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
i worked two jobs for some time then i quit the steady job i had for the one who promised me full time...so soon as i quit they got busted for selling beer to minors. so i was out of a job. around this time i started bleeding..aka having my period constantly...and started being sore all the time..feeling sick..etc...found out i had thyroid problems and fibromyalgia.....those i have been dealing with ever since---
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
in april 2007 my grandma was put on oxygen and i took a WEEk off of work to help her out...i did not go back...
JUNE 2007 rolls around. my grandma finds out she has blood clots. she is put into the hospital for a week. the friday night I bring her home we wake up sat morning to a call from the city saying everyone in our part of town has to evacuate their homes, I had not slept all night cause I was speaking to a friend on the phone so luckily i woke up to answer it. by the time i got my grandma and I a set of clothes for the next day, since we thought it was only a temp safety major, anyhow i grabbed what photos jewelry and etc that i could grab...at the time we left my cat and my grandmas dog at my grandmas house. We did not think it was going to get bad ...So we went to my parents house since we had no where else to go. my dad and brothers went to town about a half hour adter we got to my moms to get my cat and grandmas dog. the water was already waste deep at my grandmas house...
My house was already submerged in water completely. It was condemmed I was not able to save a thing from there. luckily I had my cat with me at my grandmas at the time of the flood.
my grandmas house was not condemmed but it would cost her 40 thousand dollars to fix the flood damage and then the house would have had to be raised 5 in the air. also she was not allowd to go back in it ever again because of the mold.
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from june 30th which is the day it flooded till august 26 my grandma and I stayed at my parents house. I never had the time to greive my loss. everytime i would cry or be sad my dad would yell at me or cuss at me saying to quit feeling sorry for myself. the first night we stayed there he threated to beat my ass because i didnt want to go to bed when everyone else did...so i spent the night locked out in the truck.....
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in august 07 i moved into temp housing and i lived there untill june of 2008
June 24th 2008 I moved into my home where I am now.
my grandma had to move in with me cause she could not afford to buy a house by herself. and we do not get along what so ever.
i wait on her hand and foot and she treats me like her servant.
she is very old fashioned and is ashamed of the idea that even want to have surgery...she thinks dieting and exercise will work.
not at my weight and state of shape. in my health it hurts to even get out of bed...let alone go running...anyway. I will write more later.
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CURRENTLY.
I had tried to keep my head abouve the water for part of my life. i tried to forgive my parents for the things of the past. i am starting to think that it was a mistake. I am slowly realizing that some people are just pure evil and will never change no matters how much you want them to. My mom chose my dad over me when she did not leave him when i was a child. I am very slow to give up on people. But i am there with them. they will never love me, no matters how much I try. so i will try to find ways to deal with this. but i dont know how....
things are just so crappy right now...and the thing with my parents make it worse..
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