19/5/12 - Moving forward - why didn't I post before now?

May 19, 2012

Originally posted on Ontario OH Board, May 20, 2012 -- copied here. 

Good question, huh?

I've been leaping in and on to the board for over ten months now, marking each wee move forward, listening, watching, learning. So why haven't I posted about the really great news that I got over a week ago now, that I've been given the go-ahead to move forward with the testing to move me to RNY surgery here in Ottawa?

I've been thinking about it, deeply. I've been mulling it over in my head and it's not much clearer than it was on May 10 when I met with Dr. Wicklum at the Civic Hospital. We met for about 45 minutes and I answered lots of questions and have been busy for the past week and a bit with making and keeping appointments. I've been scrupulous in updating my signature and am just thrilled with the way the appointments are falling in line, so why haven't I got my fat little fingers busy and been typing away to my friends and co-voyagers here?

*sigh*

I'm ashamed. I feel shamed. I don't know how to handle this feeling. I feel slapped around and shamed.

*sigh*

I got the call from the Civic on April 10 for my first meeting with Dr. Wicklum, the physician with all the power to move me along. And from April 10 to May 10, I ate. I ate fast food, I ate slow food, I ate before, between, after and instead of meals. And I gained ten pounds in a month. I know what it was, it was fear and a wee bit of last meal syndrome. I knew what it was and I didn't control it.

So ... what's got me shamed? Not the eating, not really.

I completed the questionnaire for the meeting with the doctor honestly. I didn't pretend I had not eaten my way through the fast-food facilities in western Ottawa and most of the Bulk Barn's offerings. I wrote that I had eaten out six to seven times a week and had had fast food perhaps 20 times in the previous month. And I got slammed for it. I had everything except a finger waved in my face telling me I had to change my ways and I felt shamed.

Any people who have been to TOPS? You know the pledge that says "I am an intelligent person..." Well, I am an intelligent person and I let my emotions control me *in that month* waiting to see the doctor. That's *not* how I usually eat -- I've maintained this weight (granted it's _over_weight, for the past six years, It wasn't until the doctor drew back, physically, from me that I realized "oh my gawd, she thinks this is how I eat all the time and she's going to refuse to move me along" that I mustered the intelligence and clear-headed speaking ability I possess to explain that this was not the normal me, and that I knew what I was doing. I even had taken my TOPS weight charts for the past two years with me (easy, since I'm the Weight Recorder for our Chapter), to show her my steady up-down-up-down the same eight to ten pounds over the past six years.

Once that got straighted out (and I must add that my heart was in my throat the whole time), we proceeded with the rest of the appointment -- weight, height, blood pressure (normal!) waist measurement, physical exam of my neck, etc. We had a good discussion about my expectations from the surgery, booking a whole bunch of appointments to assess my current cardiac health, given that I had a heart procedure ten years ago, etc. etc. And, oh yes, discussion of my family history with obesity and cardiac/heart health. We discussed my son's successful RNY in Utica over two years ago (he was in the last of those referred out of country). And a brief mention, by the way, of my age and oh, yes, she's moving me forward.

Still, I feel shamed.

I've been fussing and fretting and thinking and re-thinking ... and maybe the place for this post is in my blog, but I'm choosing to be right out front with it, because I value the input from the caring people here, even though it's nine days ago, a very long time in the fast moving world of a forum.

I know what I need to do, I know the mental challenge of this life-altering decision -- I have the intelligence to use the tool of the RNY and the emotional intelligence to get the necessary behavioural therapy and assistance to work these changes. I am so grateful that my province will allow me to have this life-extending, life altering surgery.

But the shame? I didn't walk in to the appointment with anything other than a hopeful spirit and a willingness to do what is necessary to make the changes that will serve my health and future the best it can be.

And I'm afraid to mention it to them, i.e. the doctor, because these people have power over something I want.

I'm sorry this is so long and rambling; it's clarified a lot of how put down I felt.

Thank you for any thoughts or "snap out of it Marilyn"s you'd care to send my way.

And oh, wheeeeeeeeee! I'm moving forward -- I'm 63 next weekend and I'm moving on! At this rate, 2012 *will* be the year for me.

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