My Word for 2019 - MINDFULNESS

Dec 29, 2018

Yes, the 2018 Holiday Season is OVER! 2019 is two days away.   I don't care much for resolutions because, as we all know, for the most part none of us are resolute. 

I do need some direction in my head, though - a point of focus.  A word.  My word at this time of my life is MINDFUL - it applies to all areas of my life - in how I interact with other people (especially those I love), how I conduct my affairs, and how I treat myself to name significant ones. 

It's so easy to take for granted our relationships with others and ourselves.  It's too easy to overlook taking the time to say I love you - to hug your loved ones.  It's too easy to let our personal affairs slide sometimes because we think we're too busy.  And we are always the last on the list of "things" to take care of.  

This is my year to be mindful - especially with myself and my loved ones. 

  • Mindful of how I conduct myself
  • Mindful of what I eat
  • Mindful of how I exercise my body
  • Mindful of how I allow other to treat me

This week I read something said by the fictional character Meredith Grey (Grey's Anatomy) that, thank you whomever wrote the script,  truly resonated with me for this year - 

"So, do it. Decide. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you an be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate?  Decide. Breath in. Breath out and decide."

Be mindful my friends.  Mindful of where you are in your life, what you are, what you want to be.  Be mindful of how you treat yourself.  Be strong, be kind, be compassionate - 

Happy New Year!



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Winter Solstice - 6 months later - Progress if not Perfection.

Dec 22, 2018

Merry and Happy everything!  

Six months later and I realize I've lost another 10 pounds - 25 more pounds to my happy place!

Time flies by and so does life - don't ever take anything for granted.  

I'm still not being perfect - but continuing to focus on eating mindfully.  

It's been an interesting year.  I sent the friend with benefits on his way - it seemed simply useless.  I went to Norfolk, VA at the end of June for a meeting professionals conference with other Sacramento associates - my first time there made it an enjoyable trip.   The end of July I went to Honolulu to my 50th class renion - was on the planning committee - another fabulous (albiet quick 4 nights) trip "home"!  Got to catch up with many friends!  

As off the wall as it may sound, somewhere along the line this summer the "the ex" and I have grown (platonically) closer - he calls it "best friends" (how about best friends without  benefits?  ).  We both acknowledge that though we chose to divorce, we still love each other and want to be in each other's life - in whatever form that takes. Neither of us are seeing anyone.  We spend a wonderful 10-day vacation in Princeville/Hanalei, Kauai in October and are already booked to go back next year for 2 weeks - 1 week with family and 1 week with friends.  

All this is being said as a reminder to post ops that LIFE goes on in spite of where our heads are.  We CAN if we choose to continue to be mindful of what we stick in our mouths.   

Remember that this Holiday Season!  And also remember - PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION!  

Hugs - 


Happy Solstice!

Jun 21, 2018

So I'm 10 days in from my June 11 blog post - got my head on straight - and in 6 days have lost 2.8 lbs. I have chosen to dedicate to a low carb/moderate fat program - as I should have been doing all along.  DOH! 

And while I am not being PERFECT, I am eating mindfully and am making PROGRESS.  Thank you Dr. Connie Stapleton, for reminding me of that - Progress Not Perfection.   

My target is 20-22 carbs a day and 90-100 grams of protein a day.  And of course, the requisite minimum of 8 glasses of water a day.   I'm at the point where I am finally feeling leaner intestinally, rather that bloated all the time.  Getting in walking almost every day at least 30 minutes - or (lucky me) a good, healthy sexy encounter with my friend with benefits (I am not looking for another relationship right now after being widowed 26 years ago and 2 subsequent divorces).


This is probably on my tracker, but I like to see it ...

Highest Weight - 225 1/15/2005

Surgery Weight - 195 6/15/13

Lowest Weight - 130  5/26/2006

Happy Weight - 140-145  1/20/2008

Highest Regain Weight - 192  2/28/2018

Current Weight - 179 6/21/2018

I can do this!  

So Can You!


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13 years post op ... Regain is real.

Jun 11, 2018

I am now 13 years post op - and life just keeps on happening - you have to know that, especially you who are just beginning your journey.   LIFE JUST KEEPS ON HAPPENING - head battles just keep on happening. 

In the last 6 years I have:

  • 4 years ago had a now 43 year old son collapse mentally from Bi-Polar disorder - he has lived with me since and it has been a constant struggle to keep him from self-medicating in addition to his bi-polar meds
  • Walked away from a marriage because of my son - I love my ex but he does not have a clue about mental illness and it's impact on a family. I am grateful that we still remain friends
  • Have finally retired from 49 years of working full time but am SEMI retired as I still need supplemental income
  • Have continued regain from the stresses of head battles. 

I always have to take advantage of those moments of clarity where I am in the headspace that got me to have WLS - I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired to coin a 12-step phrase - I'm not really sick - but definitely tired of living in this regain.

13 years ago 'NEVER AGAIN' was my mantra - well, wisely say never say never again because unless you control your headbattles and are EVER VIGILENT, that creeping regain is always banging at the door.

This morning I weighted 180.6.  Amazingly 3 pounds down from a week ago on my way to a 5-day conference.  Today I am cognitive of what is going in my mouth.   Another coined phrase from 12-step (which I am not personally involved in, but have family and friends who are) ....

JUST FOR TODAY.  Let's get through today.

Love and light ... 



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And Life Goes On ...

Jan 09, 2012

Gaad .. I don't realize how long I go between posts .... almost 2 years! 

Well, much has changed in the last year and 10 months - my daughter is finally finalizing her divorce from the abuser - I left my job a year ago - have been on unemployment since February.  Filed for bankruptcy last October - am in the last phase of that.  Not my proudest accomplishment, but a necessary one as at 61 the realistic odds of finding work are pretty low. 

My BF and I spent much time working on our relationship and our individual issues and I moved back in with him last September - and we got married in December.   Through all the crap of the last 2 years I managed to gain another 10 lbs, so am at a total 30 lb regain from my "happy weight of 135" .... I finally got my head out of my hiney and am back on my vitamins, protein shakes and beating the carb monster down.   A little over a week of vitamins and protein have already made a difference, so maybe soon I'll start heading down the scale.  The one "battle" I still have is alcohol .... even the 1 or 2 a night are, I'm sure, making a negative impact on my ability to lose. 

So I am jumping into my WLS community with 2 feet - into my efforts with the Weight Loss Surgery Foundation of America and being VP of Events, and on the Chapter committee.  We are organizing chapters around the country and as head of the Northern California chapter I am starting a peer support group.  I think it is more for me than anyone else!

Life always goes on, my friends, and so we need to be mindful always of where our heads are with our eating.  HEADBATTLES!   They never do go away.

Love to you with yours!

What's up with the universe?

Mar 24, 2010

March 8 - inner circle friend tells me at her mother's funeral that she and her husband are separated
March 9 - another inner circle friend tells me she has quit her job and is entering therapy for emotional abuse from her employer
March 10 - I learn my brother & sister in law have been relieved of a property management position they held for 25 years
March 12 - my "room mate/friend" has a flashback to abandonment issues from his childhood (because I was home late from work), gets mad, drinks, gets madder, and proceeds to tell me to get my sh** out of his house ... 
March 13 - I move in with my daughter & son in law at his invitation
March 17 - brother (above) is taken to emergency delusional and in diabetic shock (extremely hi blood sugar) and dehydration from stress
March 19 - SIL looses it, physically attacks my daughter and then he decides he's done with the marriage and moves out 

Will it please stop?????????????????????????


Challenging Week

Mar 11, 2010

Interesting .... week this week .. full of many emotions, concerns, thoughts ...

One of my best friend's mom passed away about a week ago - drove down to her funeral service (Sacramento to Lompoc - 6 hours) - nice to see Sam anyway, to give her that "I'm so sorry, I know how your feeling about mommy passing away" hug - she told me that she and her husband are living separately .. more pain for my sweet friend. 

On this overnight trip I also met up with 2 other friends. One I haven't seen in 7 years -had dinner, watched a movie - remembered why I enjoy his company so much - he's just a sweet, nice, adorable, dorky guy. I'm happy to have him back in the circle of my life.

The other friend was my first serious crush in Jr. Hi. - I talked to him briefly about a year ago, knew where he worked - and on a spur of the moment decision, called then dropped in on him at his job ... it was really nice just saying hi and realizing what a truely regular guy he is!  Will get to meet his wife in August at a class reunion.

Got home Mon night - heard from another very close girlfriend that she finally quit a job she's been extremely unhappy at for a year now.  She is an emotional wreck.

Then found out Tuesday night that my brother & sister in law were terminated from their 25-year position as managers of an 80-unit duplex complex, have to be out by the end of the month - and they are moving to Idaho.  They are devastated - bewildered - and at 66 my brother knows he will be hard pressed to find work.  So after 25 years of dedication and very little benefits, they will be living on social security and unemployment.  What a crock of shit.

And my housemate/"buddy" is at a pity party over issues with his ex-wife.  She takes every opportunity to dig at him, guilt him, etc., and he buys into it every time.  It's over - their marriage - why can't they just simply walk away from hurting each other?

And I still need to figure out what to do about my financial situation which is growing more critically ill every day.

Thank goodness it's friday ... 

4 years, 5 months out ... can it really be?

Mar 01, 2010

I find it amazing that my journey through WLS began 5 years ago ... after a lifetime of weight struggle.  And that journey continues ... it will never be over.  After 2 1/2 years of remaining at a very stable 135 lbs, over the last 2 years 20 lbs have crept back into the picture. I can only look in the mirror and ask the lady looking back the question ... why?  Carelessness ... lack of commitment. All the things on the check list that we were suppose to watch for.  Life ... I think life getting in the way is a lot of it .. though, wasn't it life that got me 100 lbs overweight?  That was my excuse.  Funny ... those headbattles never DO go away. Death of my mommy, divorce, changing jobs, losing a job due to the economy, being on unemployment for 9 months just as credit card interest rates skyrocketed ... credit issues mounting ... a new job that pays 65% of what the last one did ... fear ... uncertain relationships ... LIFE> it doesn't change because we have weight loss surgery. 

So as my dear mommy used to say ... I've just got to pull up my big girl panties and deal with it! Deal with finances, weight gain, relationships .... LIFE ...  PAY ATTENTION!

The thing is ... life is good in many respects and I am absolutely grateful for all the good things in my life ... and at the same time terrifying as I have serious issues to deal with and no one to really turn to ... being a single orphan has it's disadvantages ... 

And so it goes ... today is the first day of the rest .... guess it's time to make a difference ...

love to you all!


June 8, 2007

Jun 08, 2007

And life continues evolving - I am 8 days short of 2 years out.  

PHYSICALLY - Today I weigh 136 lbs.  Today I am still absolutely grateful for this surgery and th elife it has given me back.  Every single day I am aware of my eating - of what I can eat, what I can't eat - what I eat that I shouldn't - how it affects my weight - how much water I drink - how much protein I eat - did I take my vitamins today? did I exercise today?  How am I physically feeling and why? How is my nutrition affecting how I am feeling?  Did I exercise today?  

It all remains an every day evaluation.  This is what we wanted - this is what we need to do!

EMOTIONALLY - My mom's house just sold and I have moved on (after living with her and in her house for seven years).  My ex finally moved on when the house sold (he rented a room from me) (as odd as it sounds we make much better friends than spouses).  The last three weeks have been ones of closing (emotional) doors and opening new ones....ending chapters and starting new books.  DOING THE BRAIN SURGERY THAT STOMACH SURGERY IS NOT to insure that I will not return to who and what I was 2 years ago.

Life is good - I am strong and confident - depending on myself to make my way in this world and depending on myself for my happiness and sense of fulfillment... taking full responsibility for everything that happens in my life - good, bad and indifferent.  And I love it!!!!!!!!!!!

Do your work, people!  You will succeed - if you want to.  Take responsibility for your own physical and emotional health!

Love to you all who are struggling as well as succeeding!


May 2005 - November 6, 2006 - A Little History

Nov 03, 2006

May 10
Had my orientation today - while I don't think I learned anything new (except for Kaiser SSFO's process), it was nice to have all of my research, listening, observing validated.  Dr. Baxter, Dr. Li, Dr. Stiles and Beth Goodrich were all very informative and interesting! 210 on Kaiser's scale.

May 17 - 207 on Kaiser's scale
Appointment with Beth Goodrich - she expressed being impressed with my understanding of the program, of my getting on board with it prior to orientation, of my adherence to the menu plan - said I was obviously doing something right as I was losing - since it "wasn't broke, she wouldn't try to fix it" - Whew! One down, two to go.....

May 21 - 204 on Kaiser's scale
Appointment with the surgery Goddess - Dr. Stiles. Mom and daughter were with me - she asked them questions, asked me questions - was again very impressed with my pro-active approach to the program and my preparation - she took my referral weight (or a weight from an appt I had in January that was reflected in my SSFO file) as my starting weight (223) and told me I was done with my required loss (at 204...) and when did I want surgery as I seemed to have it all together. WOW!!!
She couldn't locate the latest copy of the surgery schedule, so we ended up having to wait til' Monday to get a date.... as my daughter said... I did the happy dance all the way out of the hospital to the car!!!!  Two down, one to go.

May 23 - got my date!!! June 16 with Dr. Gorrin..... woo hoo!

May 24 - got my pre-op appointments!  This Friday May 27 for pre-op class..... Next week 6/1 with Dr. Gorrin - and 6/3 with Susan Dykhuizen, case worker and Maria Bibat, anesthesiologist. I am so happy! This is right where I wanted to be... on the FAST TRACK!!! 

May 27 - pre-op class- I was almost embarassed to say when I had orientation because of the other 9 patients in the class, one started LAST MAY and the others had orientation in February and March.  Here I am with orientation in May.

June 1, 2005 - 202.5 by Kaiser's scale
Had my appointment with Dr. Gorrin today - and it went very well - he is so nice - friendly - informative - had him explain to DH exactly what is going to happen. I am even more calm about all this than I was before. Have a very busy 15 days with work and preparing for this = it's gonna go waaayyyy fast!

June 13 - 3 more wake-ups - I am not nervous - I am still so amazed that this is actually happening - my husband just asked me if I was ready for this surgery - YES! YES YES!!!  I am in awe - I cannot even begin to imagin what my life will be like. I understand the risks involved - I am not kidding myself that this will be an easy row to hoe - but I also know that I am prepared to work for my success.  I am packed - have my Isopure protein drink in my bag so I can start taking in protein as soon as I can take clear liquids - at least sipping it - wherever this journey takes me, I'll be there doing everything I can to succeed. 


I have changed the way I look at my life over the last two years - and, by golly, the things I have been looking at have changed!!!

More later -

June 27 - WOW!  It's been 11 days since surgery - I have now lost 12 lbs - had a laprsocopic RNY - was out of the hospital on the 2nd day after surgery - up and about since - no eating issues! As with the rest of my journey, I have had an easy time and I am grateful for whatever the reason - I am thankful every day.  

November 11, 2005 .... 147.5 ... Total loss 77.5 since March... 53.5 since surgery on June 16... average 10 lbs per month.  I don't know where the time has gone... almost five months since surgery.  My experience has been so absolutely awesome and flawless that at times I wonder what will go wrong. 

April 11, 2006 - Current weight - 133 lbs, total loss - 93 lbs since March 31, 2005.

In looking back, what a year it's been.  I look at photos of me from last March and photos of me now and the difference astounds me. I have gone from a size 18/20/22 to a size 8. As Dr. Giti at Kaiser South San Francisco so accurately put it, this is stomach surgery, not brain surgery.  I'm working on the brain surgery.... lol!  The issues that were in my life before surgery are still there now.  I am dealing with them, but not with food!  I AM DEALING WITH THEM.. read that filing for divorce. If you have read this far, you know why. I'm happier with ME than I have ever been in my recollection. I'd do this surgery again in a heartbeat - and recommend for anyone considering it to learn all they can about it - the good, the bad and the indifferent - talk to people - read, read, read.... it's not an easy lifestyle, but it's not hard. It takes caring about your body, your nutrition, your health, your future - which if we had all done that all along, would not be here, right??  My hats off to all of you who have undertaken this journey - and I will continue to read your stories, and add to mine from time to time!

The magick is in you!

November 3, 2006
Current Weight - 134 - 17 months post op

The journey continues! 

NUTRITIONALLY - It's an every day battle, people! Though I have maintained my weight since April, it is a daily conscious effort, don't ever forget that!  Vitamins, supplements, protien, water... and what you stick in your mouth!

Over the last few months I've found I'm craving carbs... a hard one to fight!  Good, bad or indifferent, I allow myself a little each day to satiate that need - and the rest is protien, fruits and vegetables.

EMOTIONALLY - Since April?  My mom was diagnosed with cancer at the end of March and passed away at the end of May - treasure those people in your life that you love.  Never take a day for granted! "I LOVE YOU" - three simple words that take about two seconds to say. 

I started divorce proceedings in January, put it aside while my mom was ill, picked it up again in June after she died. It's now a done deal.  A second big change in my life.  We remain friends (for now anyway and I sincerely hope that continues - we just had too many philosophical differences to stay married). 

My 7 year old grandson was just diagnosed with Childhood Bipolar Disorder.  My daughter (his mother) with Fibromyalgia. 

Life goes on... we do what we need to do.  DO IT WITHOUT USING FOOD FOR COMFORT.   Find other positive, healthy ways to comfort yourself. 

Hugs and love and light to you all...

About Me
Carmichael, CA
Surgery Date
Aug 23, 2004
Member Since

Friends 3

Latest Blog 10
June 8, 2007
May 2005 - November 6, 2006 - A Little History