Paula C.
Ready to go...
Jul 14, 2007
Back on the move...
Jun 26, 2007
Well, I've been dragging my tail about getting my psych eval and bloodwork done and today I scheduled. I will do the bloodwork "walk-in" on Thursday and I will do the Psych eval on 7/10. Getting excited about having that all complete. keep your fingers crossed.
Feeling motivated...
Jun 02, 2007
Maybe I shouldn't dine out...
May 31, 2007
Here goes... I told you about last nights incident. Well, I'm two for two! I go out to dinner tonight with my co-worker and his wife and children. I get there to see they have opted to eat outside. There were the green plastic chairs with the arms, you know the ones I was talking about picking up and taking with me when I leave. .. well, I sit down--- about 10 minutes after I got there, I was ready to order and the chair broke!!!!! I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO mortified. It has been all I have tonight to hold back the tears. I really feel down tonight and I can't wait until my surgery!!!! Anyway, that's it for today. I need to bounce back from this one this evening, so I'm going to relax for a little bit and try to go to sleep. Good night all, and wish me well on insurance.
My fun, boy am I a Fatass, night!
May 30, 2007
Ok, so, I work for a media company and we are currently on our "road books." This has us living in a hotel 4 days a week and we live on restaurant food paid for by the company with a per diem of 35.00 per day. Well, we discover a seafood restaurant (currently we are in Cocoa Beach) by the name of "Florida Seafood".... well, this is my favorite genre of food and they have an all you can eat section on there and really, it's all about the crab legs for me. So we go into the place (9 of us) and they can't figure out how they are going to seat us because they don't have the tables situated (based on the tables already taken) for us to sit together. Well, they gave us 3 booths. 2 2seaters and 1 4 seater. If you are doing your math, you will find that 2+2+4 does not equal nine! Well, as soon as they told us we would have the 25 minute wait and that they got us BOOTHS back to back, naturally, I am officially busting out in a sweat thinking SHIT! I hate this! Party of nine and I am COUNTING on not sitting in a booth! So we go outside, wait our wait and then we go in. They have seated us in a small isle, 1 4top and 2 2tops and a chair on the end of the booth. ***CRUSH***---I immediately feel like the elephant in the room and now, not only am I sitting in an uncomfortable little chair, I'm on the end of the booth in a narrow isle wondering how the waitstaff is going to walk around me. Oh, let me add the biggest insult to injury, I'm looking directly into a MIRROR!! BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO AT AN ALL YOU CAN EAT SEAFOOD RESTAURANT ---- I WANT TO STARE AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR THAT I HAVE SPENT 10 YEARS AVOIDING!!!! I was so irritable! They must realize I won't be anxious to go back there. I felt like a freakin centerpiece. There was waitstaff coming out looking and going back in. Oh yeah, it was rediculous and irritating. Not to mention it was all of the kids at the 2 tops and every other minute I heard, "hey mom, can I do this , can I get that, I don't like this....blah blah blah" I was way low on patience and this point and trying not to show it because I was among coworkers and their families while staring in the mirror and thinking, man can I just get a drink here! I'm dying.
Now, keep in mind, it bothered me while it was happening, but the minute I stopped seeing myself in the mirror, I reminded myself of the journey I'm taking and how self defeating it owuld be to degrade myself in my mind any further. Anyways, that was my night out as a fatass and I look forward the word booth not making me look like a fat crackhead sweating in the dead of winter. Have a good night all!
Nothing to report, just feeling emotional
May 28, 2007
I have become enamored with this site and find myself reading and reading your wonderful stories of success, pain, putting the past behind, and moving forward in your new bodies with your new attitudes about yourselves. I find some things to be consistent across the board and that would be the fact that no one really forgets the struggle of obesity. I think most of us have dealt with it most of our lives and find such joy in what others have taken for granted all of their lives. One thing I have taken joy in the most is reading that the things I miss and can't wait to do are also the things most obese people also long for and many of you have already accomplished...
My random thoughts, goals, wishes...
1. Crossing my legs ... all the way!
2. Weighing less than my husband.
3. Knowing that if someone is staring at me, it's not because they are in awe of my bigness, so it must be a booger!
4. Conducting a meeting or training without tugging on my shirt or having achy feet.
5. Learning to take a compliment about my face without feeling insulted about the rest of me.
6. Using my laptop on my LAP!
7. Filling out the chart in the Dr's office with the clipboard on my lap and not my boobs!
8. Not breaking out in a cold sweat at the thought of flying.
9 Not scoping out the room for the best route through chairs, tables, people, etc...
10. Sitting in a plastic lawn chair without fear of picking it up and taking it with me when I leave.
11. ... getting up from that same chair without fear that there will be a giant suction sound when I stand up.
12. Getting new furniture and not worrying that my sleeping on it will have it flattened out in no time!
13. Roller Coaster Rides!!!!
14. Taking trips to Vegas, Disney,
15. being able to go in the store and pick up pants with buttons on them without busting out in a panic attack.
16. trying clothes on in the store again, instead of just buying elastic to be on the safe side.
17. Being in a room and knowing I'm not the biggest person there.
18. Being involved in my children’s school without worrying that I will be an embarrassment to them.
19. Wearing a swimsuit without disgusting myself.
20. Getting some sun without a white ring where my neck disappears when I lay down.
21. Knowing if I die before average life expectancy, I won't be leaving my kids before I was supposed to.
22. Just doing things with my kids that I don't do now because I'm fat.
23. Personal Hygiene not being so much damn work. I feel like I put hours a day into washing and washing and washing some more.
24. Letting people take pictures of me face on again. I usually try to convince them to stand taller than me and take the picture looking down over me (helps stretch the double chin...lol)
25. Not counting on my cleavage to distract from the rest of me.
26. Thought... do you ever think people are staring at your plate at the buffet so they know what NOT to get!
27. Someday I don't want to be close personal friends with lycra!
28. Retiring the idea of buying the t-shirt .... "I beat anorexia"
29. Looking forward to looking like a Sharpe... it's better than looking like a barrel.
30. Walking faster without breathing myself silly.
31. Just being healthy... a healthy mother, wife, and friend. And loving me more than I do today!
32. Myspace.com not taking up all of cyberspace, instead, just a little piece of me on this site instead.
33. Switching from "Underwear" to "Panties"
34. Belly ring being that little earring on the Belly Button and not the pressure mark from where my pants were all day.
35. Sitting on the table, or counters, or anything not made of steel for that matter
36. Wearing a thong! --- can I just talk about wearing a thong!
37. ...that same thong with a pair of low-rise jeans! HOT
38. Actually looking forward to a class reunion
39. Looking forward to running into people I know, versus avoiding them like the plague and going undercover now!
40. Looking forward to people NOT recognizing me.
41. I wonder if I will lay low for 6 or more months, just to see reaction... everyone I know (except my parents and brother), know me as a fat person since they've known me. I have 1 friend who has seem me at my smallest. (Jenny)
42. Seeing my parents reaction to the impending weight loss (they live far away from me -- Dad in Guam and Mom in Delaware), so they will only see me 1 time a year at best.
43. Ok, I have avoided this one intentionally, but the sex! I canNOT wait to have some more variations in the sex!
44. How about up against the wall withOUT my feet on the ground, yep, still talking about the sex!
45. Wearing lingerie where the XXX on the tag is the name brand and has nothing to do with the size!
46. Dancing! Dancing! Dancing!
5/26/2007 Letter from PCP
May 26, 2007
