I sit in the back of church...

Feb 10, 2013

...because I don't want anyone see the tears that fall from my face. So before I allow the tears to fall in public, I run into the bathroom and pray that no one comes in behind me.

This pain has to have a reason behind it...is it because I' m 41 years old and lonely, or is it that I haven't fully fore filled my dreams? I when I see people less worthy then me receiving things far greater then I, and they aren't even serving God, this makes me question my faith and ask, "Why me, what is wrong with me Lord?" I love You and serve You daily. I try to treat everyone with respect and love, and yet I end up with the short end of the stick. I know I shouldn't compare apples to oranges, but what is it? Can someone tell me why I have to struggle with my faith and within my finances?!!! I've been down the suicide road before and the only reason I haven't fully gone through with it is..the first time I was unsuccessful and now this time I have kids and realize I love them and couldn't bare the thought of them not having me in their life.

My kids have never seen me cry and they probably think I'm the strongest person they know, but deep down inside I hurt. I cry so hard at times that I can't at times catch my breathe. My surgery date is vastly approaching and I need to shake this "demon" that's trying to bring me down. Pray for me OH friends.

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