My first surgiversary!!!

Nov 18, 2011

Happy surgiversary to meeeee! 

I posted not too long ago with the details of my weight loss so I'll not go into that here.  If you read my profile and my blogs, I encourage you to go look at my weight and inches lost in my health tracker.  I love looking at that thing!!!  To see that little line going down, down, down really tells the story.

This year has been amazing.  I've gone from having absolutely no energy to playing with my son, having races (yes, running!) in the backyard, sprawling out on the floor to color or build Lego things or train tracks and actually being able to get myself back up!  LOL  This year, Thanksgiving will really be full of thanks and gratitude and FOOD!  Last year I was barely post op and in the mind game stage and feeling utterly disappointed that I couldn't eat more food.

I have gone from hiding myself to wearing more revealing clothing. I actually LIKE showing off my bod!  Not in a fluzy kinda way, LOL, but wearing clothes that actually fit.  I'm tasteful!    I've been dating.  Haven't found anyone worth keeping yet but I at least have hope that I will someday.  I find that I still tend to push guys away the minute I feel vulnerable and that's a behavior from my fat days because getting dumped happened so often.  There's work still to be done in that area.  It will most likely take the work of a therapist to work through some of my "fat" issues.

I really thought I'd have problems with body dysmorphic disorder, like so many, but that hasn't  happened.  It may be because I was thin/athletic most of my life and wasn't fat until I was an adult.  I at least have a frame of reference when it comes to looking into the mirror.  I DO still worry about what will happen once the weight loss stops.  It really has for the most part.  I go weeks with no loss then dump 4-5 lbs.  I only see the scale fluctuate about 2 lbs in either direction at this point.  Nothing outside of my comfort zone....YET.  I'm waiting for the bounceback but I'm at least prepared for it to happen.

There are days that I think I'll wake up and this will have all been a dream.  Sometimes I think still that "this wonderful thing can't happen to me."  I do still anticipate a failure of some sort - it just hasn't happened.  I'm learning, ever-so-slowly, that I DO deserve good things in my life.  I deserve to be happy, I deserve to be healthy, I deserve a man who will treat me well, I deserve to have a happy little family.  So many things I think I felt I didn't deserve before because I hated myself.  Ok, maybe hate is a strong word, but I was disgusted with myself.

Today, I couldn't be more proud of what I've accomplished with the tool that was given to me.  The DS has been amazing.  My surgeon, Dr. Stewart is amazing.  I'm so thankful that I met him and learned about the DS.  That would never have happened had I not found OH.  The friendships I"ve formed through the boards here have played instrumental roles in my success as a DS'er.  There's no better way to know what you are in for than to have real-life experiences shared with you.  Good, bad and even ugly, they are an important part of your education as a patient.  Arm yourself with knowledge.

Had I listened to the "hype" about the DS, I probably would not have had it.  So much negativity surrounding it and people feeding off of mis-information.  I really decided to go straight to the source.  Post-op DS'ers.  I found that the surgery was not necessarily more risky, the recovery was not quite as bad as I'd heard, and my life afterwards is not plagued with diarhea and gas...LOL.  I EAT GOOOOOD!  Tons of the things I would want to eat and I am even bad now and again.  I pick my battles.  This has taken ALL of the anxiety Iwas experiencing as a "dieter" out of the equation.  I do not feel like I'm in any way restricted.  This decreases the urge to binge or compulsively eat.  Those were my biggest concerns pre-op.  I was a compulsive eater.  I think my self-esteem increasing has lessened the need for me to self-medicate with food.  I FEEL FREE!!!!

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