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I'm such a nerd.  I also have an unfortunate memory -- dates especially tend to be vague at best.  So, just for fun (?) I made a spreadsheet of my life over the past 20 years.  Year by year -- where I worked, where I lived, significant events, and what I weighed at each point.

I'm not a person who dwells on the past, or even thinks about it that much.  I realize that my experiences formed who I am, but my preference is really to deal with the situation at hand.  Looking over my life laid out in facts and numbers makes it more manageable, somehow, and corrects my 60/40 hindsight to 20/20.

It is also an interesting way to measure my goals.  I feel like as the weight comes off, I'm moving back in time.  Right now, down 76 pounds, I'm back in 2002.  I was just married, living in a house, with a job that paid (to me, then) amazingly well.  I wasn't happy, but that wasn't because of my weight.  It feels good to be back in that body, without all of the terribleness that I was feeling.  I feel like I'm getting a do-over.  I know it doesn't really make sense - I'm not really getting to fix anything, but revisiting my past this way has been revitalizing.  My past has felt like a scary place - I've been reluctant to dwell on it.  My flawed coping mechanism (eating/drinking/whatever until the feelings go away) got me to my highest weight.  Now I have mental, medical, and external support, and as I think about what got me here, I can feel my feelings (ugh) rather than suppressing them.

Blah.

People keep asking me how I'm losing this weight.  I say "diet and exercise" because it's easier, but that's not the whole truth.  I've admitted to myself that I can't do this on my own - I need the therapy and meds to help me learn how to deal with my life without self-medicating with food or something else.  I'm working on the assumption that this will be a lifelong necessity, like vitamins will be after the surgery.  

So nuts and bolts surgery-wise, I have an appointment with my surgeon, Dr. Kim, on September 24th.  He'll look at my progress and medical records, and decide whether I can be scheduled for surgery or have to complete some other requirements first.  I met the first pre-surgery goal I set for myself (299 lbs), and I'm 5 lbs away from my second pre-surgery goal (270, or my weight in 2000).  I can get there before I meet with the surgeon.  I'm ready for this.  I'm cautiously hopeful.

I'm in the eighth week of my mandatory eight-week weight management class, and I'm down almost 20 pounds since I started the class (30 pounds from my highest weight).  I'm happy with my success, but I'm dreading the day that I fail.  This feels too easy.  I haven't had any huge setbacks, binges, or gains yet, and I don't know how I'll cope when it happens.  Because it's going to happen, right?  I'm going to fail at some point, and that scares the crap out of me.  I don't know how to deal with that yet.

I'm feeling more pressure to get this weight off, since my sister got engaged and her wedding is next June.  She would never, ever say so, but I feel like it would ruin her wedding photos if I were fat in them.  So I'm driven by that, even though I'm doing this for me.  Possibly not the healthiest motivator, but there it is.

So, feeling good, but guarded.

During the last few weeks, I've attended a bariatric support group (good to hear about post-wls life, but MAN I really don't have the patience for a large group sharing situation), gone to two of the required classes (way more helpful than I expected), found a mental health/food issues therapy group which has been really, really great so far, and lost two pounds (unexpected!).

This process has made me think hard about why food is an issue for me, and how I'm going to cope once food is eliminated as a coping mechanism.  I have realized that this could be a potential pitfall after surgery, and I'm taking steps now to discover and deal with the underlying issues.  I would hate to have the surgery, then regain (or worse) years down the line because I haven't learned to deal with my mental health issues without self-medicating with food or some other unhealthy habit.

I've always thought that I'm a happy, optimistic person, but I've always had a crutch (food/alcohol/nicotine/pot/pills/cutting) to protect myself with.  (Hi, mixed metaphor!)   I've always thought that I'm particularly empathetic, but maybe I'm just so caught up in my own head that I project my own feelings on everyone else - just the opposite of empathy.

I've found that now that I'm actually TRYING, rather than just kind of floating along, I'm realizing things about myself.  I assume everyone is judging me because I'm really judgmental of others.  I would rather close myself off (not making eye contact, not being friendly, putting on this weight) because I'm scared of being rejected.  I'm scared to really let myself try because I'm afraid of failing.  

Here's a new one: I'm really scared of being alone with myself.  I make sure I'm constantly surrounded by distractions so I won't have to be in my head.  I'm going to consciously work on this, and it truly is scary to me.  I feel like I'm trying to root out the reasons why I am the way I am, thinking that that will be the key, and I'm not sure that maybe just figuring out how to accept myself isn't the best way to deal with me.  (That sentence was incredibly convoluted.)  How do I accept myself as I am?  How do I not be afraid all the time?

 I was approved a couple months ago, and attended the required group info session with my mom today.  The surgery and health stuff I already knew, but it was good for my mom to hear it.  I'm glad my family is supportive of this process - when I first brought it up years ago, they were a bit discouraging.  The info on Kaiser's bariatric surgery program was more helpful - now I know roughly what the process and timeline will be.  I like that they let the patient control how fast the process goes - since I have lots of time to devote to this, I'm hoping I can speed it along.  

So as of right now, I've registered for the required 8-week class, taken the group class, and made my first call to the case manager asking what I can do to expedite this process (we'll see how long it takes before she's sick of me).

Next steps are getting my lady doctor business up-to-date, getting in touch with a psych/counselor to talk about food and other issues, and working on losing the pre-surgery weight.  My goal for myself (assuming this takes the full 6 months) is to lose at least 50 pounds pre-surgery.  Optimism!

 I know that participle is dangling up there, but I don't care.

I'm going to try to keep a record of how this process goes, because reading other peoples' experiences has been really helpful to me.  Also so I have all this info in one place for my own reference.

So my doctor referred me to my health care plan's bariatric surgery program about a month ago.  I got a denial letter pretty quickly, stating that although my BMI is high enough, my comorbidities are managed with medication, etc. so I don't qualify.  I let it rest over the holidays, and sent in my first appeal letter on January 4.  I got a call from the administrator who is handling my appeal (a really nice lady) a couple days later.  She agreed with the point I made in my letter that my BMI is right on the threshold of qualifying for surgery without comorbidities, and recommended that I provide the dates that I participated in commercial weight loss programs (JC a long time ago, and WW more recently) and have my height and weight rechecked to see if something might have changed.  I got back to her with the weight loss program info right away - I had to call JC and figure out my old WW login info, but that was way easier than I expected.  I had myself re-weighed and measured today, and found that the last time my height was recorded as an inch taller than I actually am last time I had it done, and I've gained a couple pounds since then.  According to the BMI calculator, I should qualify.  I'm waiting to hear back on their decision.

I'm going to sign up for my health care plan's eight week healthy eating class, which I think I have to take prior to surgery anyway.  

I'm eager to get this started.