Ellen H.
Here we go again!
Jan 11, 2010
3 years ago I wrote my last blog. I am not very good at this, but am taking cue from my pal Beth, who is also here again. She's a VERY good blogger!
The lap-band didn't work. Or I didn't make it work. It took a LOT for me to admit this to my surgeon, myself and finally, to others.
I went back to a support meeting and there was Beth, and others, all LB 'failures'. In that moment, talking to her and the others, I felt suddenly relieved of so much guilt that I've been carrying...so much failure. I wasn't alone. I'm not alone now. Beth is having her surgery in late February. It's comforting to know there is someone, Beth, but also YOU dear reader, who I can reach out to and just unload and vent. You know!!!
Our beloved Dr Sandor has been amazing, as usual. Telling us that there are reasons. I am on insulin and battle that daily. More insulin means standing still weight wise, or gaining. I'm now at 272. Still less than when I started this journey, but more than my lowest with the Band. I did have a lot off complication problems back at the start though and I fell into a terrible cycle of eating what was easy, got past the band (I had 5 trips to the ER after it almost occluded completely...5 times in 10 months). Yummy ice cream, creamy cheesy soups, chocolate...foods I wouldn't eat in excess before, I now ate at every meal. Before the band I was a carbo lover...loaf of bread, pound of pasta...haven't eaten that since the band, so it DID work...but in it's place are now all the foods that having the GB will help me control.
A lot changed in my life. My boyfriend and I broke up. He was going through treatment for non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and it took a toll on our relationship. So with a heavy heart I was single. And afraid. A fear that only comes from having someone you love, who is young, be very very sick. He had no choice. I did. I do. My death will come earlier than necessary because of this fat. I can be healthy. But now that I am in my 40's, it's time to do it right and do it quickly. In time to make a difference in my health.
So I began the process of going for the RNY revision. Just as I made that decision, my mother, just 67 years old, was diagnosed with squamous cell cancer in her mouth. We are now 5 months post-diagnosis and she's still going through a lot. At present she's fighting an abscess in her neck. We head into Boston tomorrow to see her surgeon and I am sure she'll be admitted for IV antibiotic treatment.
This put my journey on hold, gladly so. Mom is now 'cured' and we can resume this journey to get me healthy too.
I am through almost all of my clearances. I stuck a couple appointments in when I could and just last week had an endoscope, which I fought against. But since it would be the last time to view my stomach easily, Dr Sandor gently persuaded me to do it.
Now this is where my all too familiar bad luck/good luck comes in.
The endoscope showed that my band is eroded into my stomach wall and where it hasn't broken through, there are blisters inside.
I haven't had side effects but looking back I have been getting stomach aches after eating and I chocked that up to being full. My band was completely loosened in May 09 when I had yet another instance of my stomach swelling around the band. The year prior I had such trouble I ended up in the ER, unable to swallow anything, which scared the crap out of me!!! Once again then Dr Sandor came in to save me...my white knight.
But the GOOD news is that my health carrier will now approve my surgery without having to attend their 6-month "I can Change' program. They, Tufts HMO, JUST changed their policy on conversions on December 23, 2009!! Yes, just 2 weeks ago they changed their rules. If I did not have the erosion, not matter where I was with the pre-approval tests, I would have to enter into the program and wait another 6 months...
I Can Change. This is the name of the program. Remember Nancy Regan and "Just say No?". How many drug addict who heard that and just said no? The name is insulting. I've been battling food and weight issues for 30+ years of my life, like we all have. This isn't something we are just running blind into doing. This is major surgery!!! This is major life changes! Maybe that was the intent of the name, but I don't hear that. I hear my family/friends comments over the years, "can't you just go to Weight Watchers"??? In fact in a strange moment, the dietitian I was sent to see at Melrose-Wakefield to LEARN the GB diet, asked me just that! Bitch!
So here I am again. In fact I see Dr Sandor tomorrow morning to find out just how soon the surgery may be. My final pre-surgical is psych and that's on Thursday.
Before the endoscope, I had thought my surgery would be in March. But I think it will be sooner now that I have this complication....
Will let you know!
Ellen
